Frustrated - 12/21/17 03:32 AM
All of the "I can't believe...." I have said recently.
I discovered my wife of 30 years was having an affair, with my former best friend, for over 5 years (that I can prove). That was 5 months ago. The past 10 years had not been pleasant due to unresolved issues. Upon discovery, I decided I wanted to fight for our marriage instead of flight. After about 2 weeks I found Marriage Builders and have been following program.
At this point, we are separated. She is living in a second home of ours about 20 minutes away. We can talk as long as it is not about us or our "relationship". We have 4 adult children. Two are out of school and on their own. One is almost done with college and the youngest just started college.
The OM moved away from our area 2 1/2 years ago, but the affair continued through cards, calls, text that I know of. He came back once, but she claims she did not know. Their affair caused his divorce. OM wife figured it all out way before me, but did not share. WW parents live in the same town as we do and that was the mail drop for all his love letters and cards. The affair was exposed to both families and our children. Initially, the kids in college were not told. The youngest found out from one of her relatives (I believe). I told the other college child.
WW claims she has not spoken with OM, but will not prove it. Has not been willing to block his number on her phone. I have stopped checking call history. There have not been any other calls and it just bothers me. I cannot see text numbers/history. I have no access to her e-mail. She has not been remorseful regarding affair and has not initiated contact with me while separated. If I don't initiate contact her, we wouldn't talk. She has not been willing to participate in counseling. She spoke to counselor once last week, but felt duped on the reason she talked.
I admit to laying the perfect foundation for the affair. I maintained a grudge from an incident 10 years ago where she complained to friends and family how i was a bad father to our children. I found this out by accessing her e-mail. Obviously, in my opinion her complaints were totally unfounded. I have always been totally involved in my children's lives. I maintained high standards for them and did not give them everything in life (they had more than most) and expected them to work hard in school. She has never apologized for incident. I half-heartedly tried a couple of times to improve our relationship. But, by then the affair had already started. I was most definitely not meeting any of her emotional needs for 10 years and was not trying to meet them. I was determined I was right. An obvious mistake.
Currently, the two youngest have returned home for college break, the youngest is living with WW. Youngest wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling her to ask if we could meet to talk and child asked why and why bother. Seems to blame me for everything. WW is telling me I need to go and talk with youngest face-to-face. In as nice of method as possible, I told WW that youngest is doing the same as WW. WW is making no effort no have a relationship or reconcile, why would child do opposite. WW does not understand her influence on child. WW has not contacted second youngest who is living with me. Second youngest is heartbroken. She thinks they are fine. WW has not spoken to two youngest about affair since they found out about affair. She is mad that I exposed the affair. Her family is taking her side. My family has never responded to exposure letter. The two oldest children have supported me and what changes I am doing and are asking her to try to reconcile. She says she will, but has no follow through.
At this point, I am so frustrated. I fully admit to my part of the failure of our relationship and have apologized endlessly. I have asked her to participate in counseling to see if we can reconcile.
I have been doing cards, flowers, dinners. All to no avail. I get a polite thank you. Since she spoke to counselor, we had three interactions. Two of them, she went ballistic on me. I am paying 100% for everything. Money is not an issue - but is frustrating as it is not bottomless.
I am committed to not keep her from our children on the holidays (even though she took the two youngest to her family at Thanksgiving and I was not invited). I have the feeling that none of this is fair. And thus, I am very frustrated. I feel like telling her that she has had five months and to make a choice. Either commit to trying to reconcile or go file for divorce.
On the positive note, I know how to lose that last 10-15 pounds.
Thoughts and suggestions will be appreciated.
Thank you.
I discovered my wife of 30 years was having an affair, with my former best friend, for over 5 years (that I can prove). That was 5 months ago. The past 10 years had not been pleasant due to unresolved issues. Upon discovery, I decided I wanted to fight for our marriage instead of flight. After about 2 weeks I found Marriage Builders and have been following program.
At this point, we are separated. She is living in a second home of ours about 20 minutes away. We can talk as long as it is not about us or our "relationship". We have 4 adult children. Two are out of school and on their own. One is almost done with college and the youngest just started college.
The OM moved away from our area 2 1/2 years ago, but the affair continued through cards, calls, text that I know of. He came back once, but she claims she did not know. Their affair caused his divorce. OM wife figured it all out way before me, but did not share. WW parents live in the same town as we do and that was the mail drop for all his love letters and cards. The affair was exposed to both families and our children. Initially, the kids in college were not told. The youngest found out from one of her relatives (I believe). I told the other college child.
WW claims she has not spoken with OM, but will not prove it. Has not been willing to block his number on her phone. I have stopped checking call history. There have not been any other calls and it just bothers me. I cannot see text numbers/history. I have no access to her e-mail. She has not been remorseful regarding affair and has not initiated contact with me while separated. If I don't initiate contact her, we wouldn't talk. She has not been willing to participate in counseling. She spoke to counselor once last week, but felt duped on the reason she talked.
I admit to laying the perfect foundation for the affair. I maintained a grudge from an incident 10 years ago where she complained to friends and family how i was a bad father to our children. I found this out by accessing her e-mail. Obviously, in my opinion her complaints were totally unfounded. I have always been totally involved in my children's lives. I maintained high standards for them and did not give them everything in life (they had more than most) and expected them to work hard in school. She has never apologized for incident. I half-heartedly tried a couple of times to improve our relationship. But, by then the affair had already started. I was most definitely not meeting any of her emotional needs for 10 years and was not trying to meet them. I was determined I was right. An obvious mistake.
Currently, the two youngest have returned home for college break, the youngest is living with WW. Youngest wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling her to ask if we could meet to talk and child asked why and why bother. Seems to blame me for everything. WW is telling me I need to go and talk with youngest face-to-face. In as nice of method as possible, I told WW that youngest is doing the same as WW. WW is making no effort no have a relationship or reconcile, why would child do opposite. WW does not understand her influence on child. WW has not contacted second youngest who is living with me. Second youngest is heartbroken. She thinks they are fine. WW has not spoken to two youngest about affair since they found out about affair. She is mad that I exposed the affair. Her family is taking her side. My family has never responded to exposure letter. The two oldest children have supported me and what changes I am doing and are asking her to try to reconcile. She says she will, but has no follow through.
At this point, I am so frustrated. I fully admit to my part of the failure of our relationship and have apologized endlessly. I have asked her to participate in counseling to see if we can reconcile.
I have been doing cards, flowers, dinners. All to no avail. I get a polite thank you. Since she spoke to counselor, we had three interactions. Two of them, she went ballistic on me. I am paying 100% for everything. Money is not an issue - but is frustrating as it is not bottomless.
I am committed to not keep her from our children on the holidays (even though she took the two youngest to her family at Thanksgiving and I was not invited). I have the feeling that none of this is fair. And thus, I am very frustrated. I feel like telling her that she has had five months and to make a choice. Either commit to trying to reconcile or go file for divorce.
On the positive note, I know how to lose that last 10-15 pounds.
Thoughts and suggestions will be appreciated.
Thank you.