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#3001884 12/20/17 09:32 PM
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All of the "I can't believe...." I have said recently.

I discovered my wife of 30 years was having an affair, with my former best friend, for over 5 years (that I can prove). That was 5 months ago. The past 10 years had not been pleasant due to unresolved issues. Upon discovery, I decided I wanted to fight for our marriage instead of flight. After about 2 weeks I found Marriage Builders and have been following program.

At this point, we are separated. She is living in a second home of ours about 20 minutes away. We can talk as long as it is not about us or our "relationship". We have 4 adult children. Two are out of school and on their own. One is almost done with college and the youngest just started college.

The OM moved away from our area 2 1/2 years ago, but the affair continued through cards, calls, text that I know of. He came back once, but she claims she did not know. Their affair caused his divorce. OM wife figured it all out way before me, but did not share. WW parents live in the same town as we do and that was the mail drop for all his love letters and cards. The affair was exposed to both families and our children. Initially, the kids in college were not told. The youngest found out from one of her relatives (I believe). I told the other college child.

WW claims she has not spoken with OM, but will not prove it. Has not been willing to block his number on her phone. I have stopped checking call history. There have not been any other calls and it just bothers me. I cannot see text numbers/history. I have no access to her e-mail. She has not been remorseful regarding affair and has not initiated contact with me while separated. If I don't initiate contact her, we wouldn't talk. She has not been willing to participate in counseling. She spoke to counselor once last week, but felt duped on the reason she talked.

I admit to laying the perfect foundation for the affair. I maintained a grudge from an incident 10 years ago where she complained to friends and family how i was a bad father to our children. I found this out by accessing her e-mail. Obviously, in my opinion her complaints were totally unfounded. I have always been totally involved in my children's lives. I maintained high standards for them and did not give them everything in life (they had more than most) and expected them to work hard in school. She has never apologized for incident. I half-heartedly tried a couple of times to improve our relationship. But, by then the affair had already started. I was most definitely not meeting any of her emotional needs for 10 years and was not trying to meet them. I was determined I was right. An obvious mistake.

Currently, the two youngest have returned home for college break, the youngest is living with WW. Youngest wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling her to ask if we could meet to talk and child asked why and why bother. Seems to blame me for everything. WW is telling me I need to go and talk with youngest face-to-face. In as nice of method as possible, I told WW that youngest is doing the same as WW. WW is making no effort no have a relationship or reconcile, why would child do opposite. WW does not understand her influence on child. WW has not contacted second youngest who is living with me. Second youngest is heartbroken. She thinks they are fine. WW has not spoken to two youngest about affair since they found out about affair. She is mad that I exposed the affair. Her family is taking her side. My family has never responded to exposure letter. The two oldest children have supported me and what changes I am doing and are asking her to try to reconcile. She says she will, but has no follow through.

At this point, I am so frustrated. I fully admit to my part of the failure of our relationship and have apologized endlessly. I have asked her to participate in counseling to see if we can reconcile.

I have been doing cards, flowers, dinners. All to no avail. I get a polite thank you. Since she spoke to counselor, we had three interactions. Two of them, she went ballistic on me. I am paying 100% for everything. Money is not an issue - but is frustrating as it is not bottomless.

I am committed to not keep her from our children on the holidays (even though she took the two youngest to her family at Thanksgiving and I was not invited). I have the feeling that none of this is fair. And thus, I am very frustrated. I feel like telling her that she has had five months and to make a choice. Either commit to trying to reconcile or go file for divorce.

On the positive note, I know how to lose that last 10-15 pounds.

Thoughts and suggestions will be appreciated.

Thank you.





84Irish #3001887 12/21/17 05:06 AM
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Welcome to MB and so sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Who all have you exposed to on OM�s side?

Have you confronted OM?

Did you ask OMXBW why she never told you?

Did you talk with her parents as to why they supported the affair?

Is your WW dependent on you financially or does she work?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #3001892 12/21/17 08:26 AM
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Hi, 84, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Be sure to read through this thread and make sure there is not anything here that you have not done yet:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
84Irish #3001893 12/21/17 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by 84Irish
WW is telling me I need to go and talk with youngest face-to-face. In as nice of method as possible, I told WW that youngest is doing the same as WW. WW is making no effort no have a relationship or reconcile, why would child do opposite. WW does not understand her influence on child.

Be sure not to do this - lecturing or trying to educate your spouse is a love buster - it will make withdrawals from your account in your wife's love bank, which will make her feel less motivated to reconcile with you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
84Irish #3001894 12/21/17 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by 84Irish
I have been doing cards, flowers, dinners. All to no avail. I get a polite thank you.

This is how it is when a man tries to win his wife back. There is no visible effect until suddenly things open up like a floodgate and her feelings change.

Be persistent and in the meantime read through that thread and see what else you can do to kill the affair, which of course is the real problem.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
84Irish #3001897 12/21/17 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by 84Irish
The affair was exposed to both families and our children. Initially, the kids in college were not told. The youngest found out from one of her relatives (I believe). I told the other college child

<snip>

Currently, the two youngest have returned home for college break, the youngest is living with WW. Youngest wants nothing to do with me. I tried calling her to ask if we could meet to talk and child asked why and why bother. Seems to blame me for everything. WW is telling me I need to go and talk with youngest face-to-face.


I want to focus on your youngest so pulled out these two parts of what you wrote.

Exposure to children is critical and needs to be done correctly. You obviously did a great job of telling your older two but for some reason did not tell the younger ones. Learning from relatives is NOT exposure. Daughter will have heard something along the lines of 'your parents had drifted apart, your mother was lonely' bla bla bla

The beauty of exposure is that it allows you to calmly present the facts in a way that cannot be later dressed up to look like something else. It also gives you a chance to give your children a valuable lifelong lesson on the importance of truth and honesty.

So you missed the boat and now the youngest got a different version of the story and is holding onto that. Presume she does not want to even talk to you so what next? Your WW is right, if she will talk to you then you should do that but it must be a private face to face, WW cannot be in the same building.

Otherwise you might want to do what I had to do with my youngest. She refused to talk to me about XWH's affair so I wrote an email explaining what my XWH had done and why it was unacceptable. I stuck to the facts. Then I sent the email to all three children (the older two were in on the plot). I know youngest read it even though she never mentioned it after that.

If you think that this might be a solution for you, post the email here first so that we can help you craft it properly.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
living_well #3001898 12/21/17 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by living_well
Learning from relatives is NOT exposure. Daughter will have heard something along the lines of 'your parents had drifted apart, your mother was lonely' bla bla bla

This is a very good point.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
BrainHurts #3001905 12/22/17 06:05 AM
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84Irish Offline OP
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OM side know everything.
I have no intention of contacting OM. He was a friend. I won�t give him the satisfaction of hearing from me. He knows I know.
I spoke to OMXBW. She filled in some details. I only shared with her that I wish she had told me.
I have not spoken to her parents in quite a while. Last time when I asked if I could talk to them, they said no.
WW is somewhat dependent on me financially. She can pay her own day-day expenses, but I am paying all bills for the second home owned that she is living in. She pays for her food and gas for car.

84Irish #3001978 12/28/17 12:10 AM
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Based on what you have shared with us about your wife I cannot fathom why you are pursuing her. She is a remorseless cheater who has never demonstrated regard for you. What exactly are you fighting for?

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The cards and flowers won't work at ALL until you stop lecturing her. As Markos says it is a slow response even then.

You are only allowed to talk to her about the children yes? And her complaint ten years ago was that your parenting style and hers were not aligned, yes?

LISTEN to the complaint by LISTENING to her now. If I had to guess her top needs I would imagine Parental Support is up There, and interesting conversation is too.

Go to see her like you were visiting an Oracle. Listen, nod, ask her advice. Praise her wisdom. This will make huge lovebank deposits.

It's getting you nowhere behaving like a man who is perfect and doesn't need advice. I'm quite sure your pricklyness and defensiveness are quite unattractive.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Justthe3ofus
Based on what you have shared with us about your wife I cannot fathom why you are pursuing her. She is a remorseless cheater who has never demonstrated regard for you. What exactly are you fighting for?
This is not the advice that Dr Harley gives. He does not tell spouses to give up their 30-year marriage because on an affair. If that were his advice, there'd be no need for the plan to survive an affair, with exposure and Plan A at its heart.

Also, where is the evidence that she has "never demonstrated regard for him?

MB exists in part to provide the information needed for couples to reconcile and build a new marriage after infidelity. This is a monumental task, but it's what people come here for advice on. This is not an opinions shop, where those seeking help to rebuild should be told that others do not see the value in their marriage.

They have 4 children together, and they are the bride and groom of each other's youth. A rebuilt marriage with the father/mother of one's children could be the most rewarding outcome of all. Plan A exists to help a betrayed spouse win back an unfaithful spouse, and if a husband wants to fight for his wife, Dr Harley recommends Plan A for at least 6 months, and up to 2 years.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #3001998 12/28/17 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
He does tell spouses to give up their 30-year marriage because on an affair.

I'm sure SugarCane intended to say: "He does NOT tell spouses to give up their 30-year marriage because of an affair."

Sorry if I'm being a nitpicker, but I want to make sure there's no misunderstanding of SugarCane's message.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
abrrba #3002000 12/28/17 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by abrrba
Originally Posted by SugarCane
He does tell spouses to give up their 30-year marriage because on an affair.

I'm sure SugarCane intended to say: "He does NOT tell spouses to give up their 30-year marriage because of an affair."

Sorry if I'm being a nitpicker, but I want to make sure there's no misunderstanding of SugarCane's message.
Cheers, abrrba. I've asked for my post to be edited.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #3002001 12/28/17 11:58 AM
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Done!


MBDenali@gmail.com
Denali #3002002 12/28/17 11:59 AM
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Many thanks.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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