Request advice and assessment of progress - 11/21/21 05:22 PM
Hello,
I wish I had found this website first. Of all the materials and websites I’ve visited, MB has by far and away been the most helpful.
The forums, topics, replies - everything and everyone I’ve seen and read through on MB has been so extremely helpful and has helped me cope and realize and I am not alone.
"Surviving an Affair" and “His Needs, Her Needs” and just all the general concepts of rebuilding a marriage and rebuilding romantic love by Dr. Harley has been very helpful in providing me with some hope that my marriage can become stronger and better than it was before.
-***EDIT***
I suppose I’m asking for an assessment for how I am managing my situation and asking for additional insight and advice as well as what else I should do and what pitfalls and mistakes I am making or to watch out for.
We have been married for 5 years and been together for 12. I am 45 and she is 37. We own a house which is the only significant asset we share. We do not have any children although it was something we wanted and tried to have before the pandemic. IVF was discussed but again we decided to put this on hold. Currently she does not want to have children and has expressed relief that we did not have one.
It's been one month and 12 days since I discovered her affair.
Since then it's been the typical roller-coaster of emotion and circular reactions you read about everywhere.
I was very emotionally abusive towards her since discovery followed by periods of remorse, trying to understand, and ( surprisingly ) caring about her. These extreme emotions would cycle constantly and rapidly. I felt out of control many times.
It was not good. I would have moments of uncontrollable outbursts. I made things worse and now my wife is constantly checking on me worried about the next time I'm going to flip out on her.
I have been working on and seeking help for my anger issues. This has now been a major point of emphasis as even in the past I have had moments where I would become overwhelmed or perceive certain behaviors as slights and would verbally lash out against them.
This resentment combined with a high blood pressure issue ( that I did not take seriously or give much thought to ) caused my anger to quickly boil over.
In my mind I felt these outbursts were justified and because they were somewhat rare, occurring only a handful of times spaced out about 7 - 8 months apart.
I now realize what I was doing and how wrong I was.
The damage I have caused has accumulated over time and created the disassociation in our relationship.
I am quite fearful that the damage I caused is not repairable. Her fearful reactions and thoughts about me appear subconscious.
- Even as I write this now - because of how focused I am on this, my wife just asked me “ Are you mad at me now” - I have to constantly reassure her that I am in a very calm state and that I have no feelings of animosity towards her.
A month+ removed from the discovery I feel like I have a better handle on things emotionally. Nothing is great but I can now keep my emotions in check and appear stable when I'm home.
She has cut off all communication with the OM ( That I am aware of )
This was a relationship that started over Instagram and Whatsapp - I do not have access to her phone or passwords and she will not provide me access to her phone unless I really push her - which ends up being a stressful drawn-out ordeal.
I know that's her being defensive and wanting to blow me off or avoid having the affair thrown in her face again.
Initially I demanded to see all the texts that she has with the OM. She of course refused and has told me everything has been deleted including whatever is in the cloud.
I have become obsessed with getting recovery software and trying to find a way to gain access to her iphone without her knowing. So far I've been unsuccessful.
I don't even know if I can recover anything that would be helpful but just the fact that she will not permit me to try and avoids this issue is really causing a problem for me.
She has communicated that she does not want to lose her privacy and feel like a prisoner.
I have tried to tell her that I need actions that demonstrate remorse and trustworthiness.
I am trying to learn more about the best way to navigate and negotiate this problem.
I understand that making demands is counter to my goal - but I also feel viewing all available information about the affair itself is within my right. It is something that is preventing me from fully committing to recovery. Because this is still kept from me, I still view her as an adversary.
The constant thinking being “What else is she hiding”
Currently she has me on my heels because of my initial verbal abuse towards her. She has actually become physically sick and for the past three weeks it's been me working on my anger issues so that I can make her feel safe enough to work on our relationship.
Based on her behavior she appears to be in the withdrawal stage. She has shown me that the OM’s Instagram profile is not linked to hers but again I have no way of knowing if she has reached out or has contact with him on other platforms.
I am not sure how to get through to her that I need real observable actions not just her telling me “ It's over", or “ We haven’t spoken or seen each other” etc.
The OM is married and I know where he lives and works. The problem I'm having is with covid world they both work at home.
I would prefer to tell her in person. I haven't been able to get his wife's full name and I'm reluctant to just leave a letter in the mailbox ( Just paranoid it might get discarded or not read ).
I cannot go to their house. I frequently have thoughts of hurting the OM and I do not think I will keep it together if I see him.
I've read Exposure 101 and our families are aware of the situation.
I'm just so confused and frustrated by the whole thing.
I feel like I am living and sleeping next to a complete stranger and impostor who tricked me into falling in love with a lie.
I also feel terrible that my complacency in not showing her proper affection, desire, and neglecting her needs pushed her away from me. I completely failed to be her husband and life partner.
She has health issues that make it difficult to interact with her consistently in a loving way. I would also describe her personality as passive aggressive and she deals with severe depression which she is taking medication for.
- This has contributed to my anxiety and causes me to question how I'll be able to meet her needs. How am I going to be able to create a better relationship if there are so many roadblocks in the way?
- I'm not excusing her choice to cheat but after speaking with her I can see that this experience made her feel "alive" - it's like she is having a mid life crisis and wanted to feel like a teenager again.
I love her so unconditionally ( or more likely whipped & emotionally devastated ) that I’ve wondered if their connection was so strong that I should probably step aside - maybe I’m no longer the right person for her? Maybe this is a sign we should both move on? Whats the point if she no longer finds me attractive, exciting, or interesting?
I do not want her to stay with me because I’m a “safe” choice.
The OM was a co-worker that left and went to another company. She tells me their relationship was professional when they worked together and that they connected over instagram after they no longer worked together.
Then they quickly became online friends and went back and forth between texting over instagram and Whatsapp. The emotional affair started during the beginning of summer in 2020. Our decision to pause IVF was decided in August - so she was absolutely speaking with the OM at this time.
She said that the online relationship turned sexual in the fall. Unclear if it started in October or November. Regardless they started meeting each other a few times each month after that as well as maintaining a sexual correspondence over Whatsapp.
She would manipulate her work hours so that she could leave early enough in the mid day to see him but still be home on time so I would not suspect anything.
The OM is a similar build to mine. Handsome and is a finance manager at his job. As you can imagine this has not helped my confidence much as I feel like I am up against very desirable mate qualities that I cannot completely compete with.
The constant thoughts of being sexually insufficient is soul crushing. I fear a path to divorce if I am not able to overcome them.
Her relationship with the OM was 90% through texting. They never spoke unless of course when they were meeting each other.
I've brought this up with her and jokingly asked “How am I supposed to communicate with you?” “You are not usually in a happy or approachable state when you are home.” "Am I supposed to live in the basement and text you?" “Should we communicate intimate thoughts with impersonal texting and emojis?”
She has also expressed that she has no sexual desire towards me. She is clear that she does not find me physically un-attractive. She explains that the passionate deep sexual desire is simply not there. Like we are brother and sister or something.
I am aware that it is the lack of trust, her fears that I am emotionally unstable and being emotionally walled off from each other over long periods of time is what all contributed to all of this.
The rejection is nonetheless a bitter and tough pill to swallow. It is insulting and infuriating knowing that she would have no issues being intimate with the OM now - a relationship for sexual gratification. While I'm left to feel like a piece of used clothing or shoes that she has no desire or further use for. - causing further resentment to build within me.
So I feel a little stuck. I'm trying to back off from going over the affair details but at the same time I have deep unresolved issues that I know I will bring up which will throw away any goodwill ( or love bank units if you will ) when I eventually do bring them up.
Not sure what else I could add other than I’m trying to be patient and take it one day at a time.
Any thoughts, opinions, or advice would be very much appreciated
Thank You
I wish I had found this website first. Of all the materials and websites I’ve visited, MB has by far and away been the most helpful.
The forums, topics, replies - everything and everyone I’ve seen and read through on MB has been so extremely helpful and has helped me cope and realize and I am not alone.
"Surviving an Affair" and “His Needs, Her Needs” and just all the general concepts of rebuilding a marriage and rebuilding romantic love by Dr. Harley has been very helpful in providing me with some hope that my marriage can become stronger and better than it was before.
-***EDIT***
I suppose I’m asking for an assessment for how I am managing my situation and asking for additional insight and advice as well as what else I should do and what pitfalls and mistakes I am making or to watch out for.
We have been married for 5 years and been together for 12. I am 45 and she is 37. We own a house which is the only significant asset we share. We do not have any children although it was something we wanted and tried to have before the pandemic. IVF was discussed but again we decided to put this on hold. Currently she does not want to have children and has expressed relief that we did not have one.
It's been one month and 12 days since I discovered her affair.
Since then it's been the typical roller-coaster of emotion and circular reactions you read about everywhere.
I was very emotionally abusive towards her since discovery followed by periods of remorse, trying to understand, and ( surprisingly ) caring about her. These extreme emotions would cycle constantly and rapidly. I felt out of control many times.
It was not good. I would have moments of uncontrollable outbursts. I made things worse and now my wife is constantly checking on me worried about the next time I'm going to flip out on her.
I have been working on and seeking help for my anger issues. This has now been a major point of emphasis as even in the past I have had moments where I would become overwhelmed or perceive certain behaviors as slights and would verbally lash out against them.
This resentment combined with a high blood pressure issue ( that I did not take seriously or give much thought to ) caused my anger to quickly boil over.
In my mind I felt these outbursts were justified and because they were somewhat rare, occurring only a handful of times spaced out about 7 - 8 months apart.
I now realize what I was doing and how wrong I was.
The damage I have caused has accumulated over time and created the disassociation in our relationship.
I am quite fearful that the damage I caused is not repairable. Her fearful reactions and thoughts about me appear subconscious.
- Even as I write this now - because of how focused I am on this, my wife just asked me “ Are you mad at me now” - I have to constantly reassure her that I am in a very calm state and that I have no feelings of animosity towards her.
A month+ removed from the discovery I feel like I have a better handle on things emotionally. Nothing is great but I can now keep my emotions in check and appear stable when I'm home.
She has cut off all communication with the OM ( That I am aware of )
This was a relationship that started over Instagram and Whatsapp - I do not have access to her phone or passwords and she will not provide me access to her phone unless I really push her - which ends up being a stressful drawn-out ordeal.
I know that's her being defensive and wanting to blow me off or avoid having the affair thrown in her face again.
Initially I demanded to see all the texts that she has with the OM. She of course refused and has told me everything has been deleted including whatever is in the cloud.
I have become obsessed with getting recovery software and trying to find a way to gain access to her iphone without her knowing. So far I've been unsuccessful.
I don't even know if I can recover anything that would be helpful but just the fact that she will not permit me to try and avoids this issue is really causing a problem for me.
She has communicated that she does not want to lose her privacy and feel like a prisoner.
I have tried to tell her that I need actions that demonstrate remorse and trustworthiness.
I am trying to learn more about the best way to navigate and negotiate this problem.
I understand that making demands is counter to my goal - but I also feel viewing all available information about the affair itself is within my right. It is something that is preventing me from fully committing to recovery. Because this is still kept from me, I still view her as an adversary.
The constant thinking being “What else is she hiding”
Currently she has me on my heels because of my initial verbal abuse towards her. She has actually become physically sick and for the past three weeks it's been me working on my anger issues so that I can make her feel safe enough to work on our relationship.
Based on her behavior she appears to be in the withdrawal stage. She has shown me that the OM’s Instagram profile is not linked to hers but again I have no way of knowing if she has reached out or has contact with him on other platforms.
I am not sure how to get through to her that I need real observable actions not just her telling me “ It's over", or “ We haven’t spoken or seen each other” etc.
The OM is married and I know where he lives and works. The problem I'm having is with covid world they both work at home.
I would prefer to tell her in person. I haven't been able to get his wife's full name and I'm reluctant to just leave a letter in the mailbox ( Just paranoid it might get discarded or not read ).
I cannot go to their house. I frequently have thoughts of hurting the OM and I do not think I will keep it together if I see him.
I've read Exposure 101 and our families are aware of the situation.
I'm just so confused and frustrated by the whole thing.
I feel like I am living and sleeping next to a complete stranger and impostor who tricked me into falling in love with a lie.
I also feel terrible that my complacency in not showing her proper affection, desire, and neglecting her needs pushed her away from me. I completely failed to be her husband and life partner.
She has health issues that make it difficult to interact with her consistently in a loving way. I would also describe her personality as passive aggressive and she deals with severe depression which she is taking medication for.
- This has contributed to my anxiety and causes me to question how I'll be able to meet her needs. How am I going to be able to create a better relationship if there are so many roadblocks in the way?
- I'm not excusing her choice to cheat but after speaking with her I can see that this experience made her feel "alive" - it's like she is having a mid life crisis and wanted to feel like a teenager again.
I love her so unconditionally ( or more likely whipped & emotionally devastated ) that I’ve wondered if their connection was so strong that I should probably step aside - maybe I’m no longer the right person for her? Maybe this is a sign we should both move on? Whats the point if she no longer finds me attractive, exciting, or interesting?
I do not want her to stay with me because I’m a “safe” choice.
The OM was a co-worker that left and went to another company. She tells me their relationship was professional when they worked together and that they connected over instagram after they no longer worked together.
Then they quickly became online friends and went back and forth between texting over instagram and Whatsapp. The emotional affair started during the beginning of summer in 2020. Our decision to pause IVF was decided in August - so she was absolutely speaking with the OM at this time.
She said that the online relationship turned sexual in the fall. Unclear if it started in October or November. Regardless they started meeting each other a few times each month after that as well as maintaining a sexual correspondence over Whatsapp.
She would manipulate her work hours so that she could leave early enough in the mid day to see him but still be home on time so I would not suspect anything.
The OM is a similar build to mine. Handsome and is a finance manager at his job. As you can imagine this has not helped my confidence much as I feel like I am up against very desirable mate qualities that I cannot completely compete with.
The constant thoughts of being sexually insufficient is soul crushing. I fear a path to divorce if I am not able to overcome them.
Her relationship with the OM was 90% through texting. They never spoke unless of course when they were meeting each other.
I've brought this up with her and jokingly asked “How am I supposed to communicate with you?” “You are not usually in a happy or approachable state when you are home.” "Am I supposed to live in the basement and text you?" “Should we communicate intimate thoughts with impersonal texting and emojis?”
She has also expressed that she has no sexual desire towards me. She is clear that she does not find me physically un-attractive. She explains that the passionate deep sexual desire is simply not there. Like we are brother and sister or something.
I am aware that it is the lack of trust, her fears that I am emotionally unstable and being emotionally walled off from each other over long periods of time is what all contributed to all of this.
The rejection is nonetheless a bitter and tough pill to swallow. It is insulting and infuriating knowing that she would have no issues being intimate with the OM now - a relationship for sexual gratification. While I'm left to feel like a piece of used clothing or shoes that she has no desire or further use for. - causing further resentment to build within me.
So I feel a little stuck. I'm trying to back off from going over the affair details but at the same time I have deep unresolved issues that I know I will bring up which will throw away any goodwill ( or love bank units if you will ) when I eventually do bring them up.
Not sure what else I could add other than I’m trying to be patient and take it one day at a time.
Any thoughts, opinions, or advice would be very much appreciated
Thank You