My wife and I were married for 17 years when the explosion happened.

Background
1. My wife grew up with an angry alcoholic dad and submissive mom
2. My wife had two older siblings that treated her poorly
3. I was her "shining knight" that saved her.
4. I drank alcoholically but slowed down while dating and first year of marriage.
5. My wife caught me sneeking drinks - went into program.
6. Spent 15 years of hiding alcoholism.
7. Wife would find out now and then and I would apologize
8. In May 2006 my wife had enough - go to rehab or divorce
9. While I was in rehab wife get very angry and starts divorce proceedings
10. Less than one month to divorce being final my wife came to me and asks me to come home. I did only after divorce was stopped completely
11. After I move back home, nothing, no emotion, no willingness to reconcile, no compassion, no empathy, ridgid, cold - I feel the only reason I was asked back was becasue of money and co-parenting

It has been 16 months, 2 weeks and 1 day since I last had a drink. I participate in AA and I get regular counseling. I work at being a better person every day. I practice what I preach. I check my motives with everything I do. Every day I ask myself "What is it like for her (my wife)?"

I am truely remoseful and humble. I never yelled or physically hurt my wife. I really love my wife. She is smart, funny, talented and beautiful.

I am at a loss for what to do. People have and do look to me for leadership. When no one knows what to do I make a decision to do, go or make something. Yet, I do not know what to do with my relationship with my wife. Our marriage counselor is focussing on nothing, allowing the sessions to go nowhere, I ask to stay on track but to no avail.

I try not to wallow in self pity - it is just this new thing that I now experience, emotions, really confuse me. My wife is cold, indifferent, non-loving behavior really hurts and confuses me.

She tells me that she will not leave. I am not invited into her though. I want to be part of. How can I break down the barrier (20ft thick, 100ft high, concrete wall) that keeps me away?

We have been sleeping in the same bed for nearly 5 months. Nothing. She does not want to hug. Turns head when I try to kiss. No lips, no hugs, no nothing.

I am in pain. Please help.

Fred

You could start by finding a new counselor.

Currently your wife is in what Dr. Harley terms withdrawl from you. Read up on Dr. Harley's Marrige builder's philosophy. A lot of it is available for free on this website (not the forums but the main site). That's a good start.

It sounds like you are on the right track staying clean and sober. Don't let the problems in your marriage side track that progress.

Sometimes to get what you really want you have to learn to let go of it first. Circumspect I know, but your desire for your wife may be what's pushing her away the most.

Regardless if what you do good luck and congratulations on staying sober.

Fred,

I want to say a couple of things. First I want to congratulate you on staying sober. I work within the medical comnmunity and often I will hear others say or talk about alcholics like they are weak individuals....i believe just the opposite. It takes a VERY strong person to beat a habbit such as alchol..you should be very proud of yourself. I dont know if I could be that strong.

I agree with the above,,you need a new counslor. Has your wife thought about going to alanon? Surely they must discuss the topic of rebuilding a relationship after all of this has happened, and you are sober. I am sure there must be women in the group faceing he same issues.

It sounds as though you are very thoughtful towards your wife. My husband had an affair and we are still working on things although we are separated and it is a very slow process. I understand your pain...your wanting to reach out but are hurt by the rejection. I think maybe you should show her your post....you speak so highly of your wife. I would give anything if my husband would think of me and my feelings like that.... he use to be so thoughful and considerate...now he still is and is always here to help if I need him but I dont see or feel the love...it hurts me terribly.

Hang in there. Maybe pulling back and suggesting a seperation/divorce to her will bring her around. If it is money or coparenting issues she is worried about she may just be willing to try a little harder. I dont believe you stay just for this but maybe it would wake her up a little.