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Posted By: karmasrose I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 12:16 AM
Today I may have been handed a chance.

My brother has been contacted by some of our brothers (whom we've not seen in years), and a cousin, who have apparently been trying to find us.

Why? To have some sort of intervention for my mother who is still as much a...well, I'll say nothing and save mods the trouble.

Suddenly, I find that I may just see her again, sooner than I think. How do you all suggest handling this?
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 12:32 AM
I have just learned that I also have a sister, who is 3. Her father is raising her.

So that makes four boys and two girls for my [insert word accompanying my boiling rage] of a mother.

All this information is pouring in so quickly...
Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 12:46 AM
I bet this is pretty overwhelming for you. I've had some experience with this, not a lot.

The lousy thing about long lost family coming together, is the hurtful memories that are resurrected.
In my case, these hurtful feelings were on the side of the long lost family member.

You won't know what the reason is for the contact, unless you ask.
What are you prepared for?

If you don't ask, are you prepared to live with the 'what if' ?

The 'what if' could be anything, I don't know your families past.

If you don't believe that these family members have your best interest at heart,
that may help you make your decision, that much quicker.



Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 12:49 AM
Oh, no.

I bear no ill will against these brothers. They were treated the same way I and my full-brother were.

They have the same opinion, in that she's out of her mind and needs to be made to come to her senses.

My brother is talking to one of the brothers as we speak.


I am so glad I have tomorrow off.
Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 01:06 AM
If this wanting to make contact has to do with your Mom, then realize what you are prepared to handle.

If your answer is nothing, then you have your answer.

In my case, I tried to contact a family member that I had just learned actually existed.
My intentions were good, not to stir anything up, but to invite her into our family, if she wished. No conditions, no history bashing.
She was happy to hear from me.

Another long lost family member that I tried to contact, whom I hadn't seen for many years, wanted nothing to do with our family.
The same invitation was given to her.
Although I had nothing to do with her estrangement from the family, I took her refusal as too much hurt was associated with our extended family.
I respected that.

I'm not sure if any of that will help you to see your situation better.


Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 01:27 AM
I'd like to meet her, if only to give a scathing Plan FU.

Apparently after she had this last child, she checked herself into a mental institution to AVOID TAKING CARE OF HER.

I intend to keep talking to these relatives. Maybe one day I will be able to see her.

Without being too angry.
Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 01:52 AM
I'm logging out now karmarose, and I'm not on MB a whole bunch.
I'll check back tomorrow though, just to check back, cuz, well, I can!

Try taking a long hot bubble bath, let Calgon take you awaaaaaay. smile

Clear head, clear decisions.

Keep in mind, while I understand you wanting to scream at her, to hurt her,
your words may or may not have any affect on her.

Do what will keep YOU healthy.

I'm glad that you have support in your siblings.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 02:00 AM
Thank you for your time.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 08:48 AM
It's been a very long night.

I've spent hours talking to three half-brothers I never really knew...

...who all think of her, the same way as I do. It is very sad. She had all these chances with children and she just keeps going on.

Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 11:20 PM
Hi Karmarose,

That sounds like it was a long night.
My first thought was, wow, 3 new siblings, more family!
I grew up with lots and lots of family around, I value family, can't imagine not having them around.

While it's sad that you all feel the same way, at least you know that your perception of her is validated.
To have children not knowing each other, and not taking responsibility for them, it's disgraceful.

There is strength in numbers, I hope that you all stay in touch and support each other for years and years to come.

It's unfortunate that your Mom has missed out on having a pretty intelligent and well grounded daughter in her life,
from what I know of you anyway

K, remember though, she made her life choices that dictated her path,
yours are yours, and I'm sure that you will have a great life.

I had a saying put on a plaque once, for one of my kids, the one that had a habit of making terrible choices.
It read 'Destiny is not the risks that you take, but the choices you make'.

You are NOT your Mother's daughter! smile

p.s. I hope you can get caught up on your sleep!



Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/03/10 11:54 PM
I sure did, I slept until 4 pm!
Posted By: Holyheart Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/04/10 03:02 AM
I ditto that you are a well-grounded, level-headed, caring woman, Karmarose.

Perhaps your mother is the reason you are so helpful to others. She ignored the basic responsibility of caring for her own children. You go out of your way to help strangers who admire your judgement and humor. I LOVE hearing from you!!!

Just take these changes as another chapter in your life's book.


Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/04/10 03:03 AM
Aww, thank you, Holy.

I do try to be caring. My boyfriend's niece (who is adorable) even seems to like me, and she's only a few months old. I find that I don't dislike infants as much as I thought, as I kind of enjoyed tending to her. So maybe I'm not as child-averse as I thought myself to be.
Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/04/10 02:13 PM
I was thinking of you as soon as I got up this am.

You mentioned that your family (not these brothers I'm assuming) point out when you make mistakes and refer to you as being your Mother's daughter.

Karmarose, you are young and you will make mistakes, as did we all. It is expected, whether or not our upbringing was a positive or a negative one.
Mistakes/bad choices/risks are learning experiences, ones to not be repeated, if we view them that way.

To add what Holyheart said, since I agree 100% .....
You have learned how not to be a clone of your Mother.
It sounds like she took risk after risk without thought, and didn't ever learn the damage that these actions did to her children.

oh, and enjoy your BF's niece while she is still an infant, and likes to cuddle. I loved when my kids were infants, no talking back, just cooing!
She will soon enough be a toddler having tantrums! laugh
It's all good, and normal.






Posted By: Pepperband Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/05/10 01:25 AM
Originally Posted by karmasrose
I'd like to meet her, if only to give a scathing Plan FU.

Apparently after she had this last child, she checked herself into a mental institution to AVOID TAKING CARE OF HER.

I intend to keep talking to these relatives. Maybe one day I will be able to see her.

Without being too angry.

Here comes an over-share ...

Both our 2 kids are adopted.
They came from the same birth mother (BM).
Different bio-dads.

Our youngest child was the BM's 9th child. BM may have given birth to more since then, I don't have any way of knowing.
BM was a heroin addict.
Other things too.

Our oldest, our son, HATES his BM with a passion.
I mean he H.A.T.E.S. her beyond reason.
One could call his emotional attachment to his BM a "plan FU".

Our son's consuming HATRED for his BM is near to ruining his life.
I am serious.
Our son is infected with his hatred.

BM grew up in foster homes. Many foster homes.
Abused.
Rejected.
Sexualized at an early age.
Possibly mentally ill ???
Certainly self-medicating with drugs.

I do not hate her.
I have compassion for her.
For all the crappy things she did, she never aborted a fetus.

I do not encourage either of our kids to seek a relationship with BM.
I don't discourage it either.

BM is just a sad, sad lost soul.
There is no "THERE" there.
Ya know what I mean?

Our kids express some interest in meeting some of their other 7 (or more) half siblings. But, their interest seems lukewarm to me, at best.

What I encourage my children to do (and you too my dear) is to find an emotionally neutral place to put her.

I think, what angers my kids the most, and possibly you too, is the IDEA of her.
The IDEA of a warm loving mother that never was.

BM had no loving mother herself.
BM was human waste to those who should have taken care of her.

Find an emotionally neutral place ... visualize something like a plain cardboard box.
Nothing is written on it.
Put her inside.
Leave her be.

Your life is yours to live on your terms.
Start thinking about that.
What are your terms?







Posted By: Pepperband Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/05/10 01:40 AM
PS:

Our son's hatred for his BM has spilled over onto his relationships with us, his parents.

This is what I do NOT want you to do.


Do not allow your hatred to deepen it's roots, and affect any present/future loving relationships.


Posted By: Vittoria Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/05/10 01:59 PM
Originally Posted by Pepperband
Our son's consuming HATRED for his BM is near to ruining his life.
I am serious.
Our son is infected with his hatred.

BM grew up in foster homes. Many foster homes.
Abused.
Rejected.
Sexualized at an early age.
Possibly mentally ill ???
Certainly self-medicating with drugs.

I do not hate her.
I have compassion for her.
For all the crappy things she did, she never aborted a fetus.

I do not encourage either of our kids to seek a relationship with BM.
I don't discourage it either.

BM is just a sad, sad lost soul.
There is no "THERE" there.
Ya know what I mean?

Our kids express some interest in meeting some of their other 7 (or more) half siblings. But, their interest seems lukewarm to me, at best.

What I encourage my children to do (and you too my dear) is to find an emotionally neutral place to put her.

I think, what angers my kids the most, and possibly you too, is the IDEA of her.
The IDEA of a warm loving mother that never was.

BM had no loving mother herself.
BM was human waste to those who should have taken care of her.

Find an emotionally neutral place ... visualize something like a plain cardboard box.
Nothing is written on it.
Put her inside.
Leave her be.

Your life is yours to live on your terms.
Start thinking about that.
What are your terms?
Gosh, my stomach feels sick reading this. Your son sounds like a lost soul.
The only consumed anger/rage that I have ever felt was post d-day and directed towards WH and OW.
I'm fortunate.(in a twisted sort of way)
I can't imagine that anger never leaving, but growing and steering my life further into a black hole.

I hope things turn around for him.
Hugs to you Pepperband, he is lucky to have you for a parent.

Karmarose, not knowing the depth of anger towards your Mother (absolutely no experience with that),
I agree with finding a neutral place to stuff it, even a wee bit can fester and grow.

I support the 'on your own terms' statement too. I believe in that philosophy
with many of life's situations.

Hope you are doing well! smile





Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/05/10 10:04 PM
It has been this way for a long time, Pepperband.

It's why I fear being close to anyone. Why I have difficulty even now bonding with the boyfriend.

Why I fear being abandoned by everyone around me. You are all helping me with it, tremendously...and Pep...

The cardboard box idea has worked so far. I tried it since yesterday and already I feel...almost liberated.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/05/10 10:16 PM
That's why I come here...thank you all, for all the support. She's given me her number on FB and asked me to contact her.

The word "mommy" was involved.

Yet gathering more intel has garnered one very hurtful fact.

If I am to believe what I heard from one of my half-brothers, she said, and I quote, "I have no children."

Cardboard box...cardboard box...anyone got a cardboard smiley?
Posted By: Tawandabelle Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/06/10 08:22 AM
I am so sorry, karmarose. After my DH located my bparents and I found out details about my bfather, I was so disgusted by him. For a variety of reasons. Now I just feel sort of sorry for him. The decision about whether or not to contact bio family is hard. I still sometimes second guess that choice. One thing I do know...I am not my parents. My value does not depend on their choice...just my own.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/06/10 01:45 PM
[Linked Image from cardboardboxesforsale.com]
Posted By: Pepperband Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/06/10 01:53 PM
Originally Posted by karmasrose
If I am to believe what I heard from one of my half-brothers, she said, and I quote, "I have no children."

She has raised no children.
She gave birth, but raised none.

IMO, she made an accurate statement.

She has no children that claim her as mother.

You feel hurt because you personalized her comment and made it relevant to YOUR worth.
You are making this mistake of interpreting her comments inaccurately.

She is making a comment about HER own value/role in life.

She is saying she is not anyone's mother.
Which is accurate.
Posted By: Vibrissa Re: I Wonder (A Motherly Problem) - 08/06/10 02:19 PM
Karma - I too, am sorry you're having to deal with this.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I want one so baddly, but every time I've tried to fully integrate her in my life I've been burned. The last time I tried that it ended with me leaving her house with the clothes on my back and her not going to my wedding.

I understand the animosity and revulsion you feel.

I agree with Pep- the cardboard box analogy is great. In essence that is what I've had to do with my mother. I didn't know that was what I was doing at the time, but I have to keep my boundaries pretty high with her and my expectations lower than dirt. I have found if I control the level of contact we have I am much happier. I've discovered the 'safe' distance to keep her and that's as close as I let her get. Boundaries are a life saver.

As far as the children line - well she may have given birth, but it doesn't sound like she was ever really a mother, so in that sense she really doesn't have any children. Because it doesn't sound like she ever bothered to cultivate that relationship. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.... but in order to be a mother, you have to have children. Sure she may have given birth, but she was never actually a mother. She meant the line, and you probably took it as a reflection of you as a bad child. In reality - it is a reflection of HER as a bad mother. If she has no children, it's her fault because she never bothered to mother you. Think of it as the equivalent of a Sperm Donor and a real father. Thats what it sounds like she was to you - genetic material.

Finally, you have to WORK to ensure that this doesn't make you bitter. If you let it, this relationship will ruin all your future ones. You already see it affecting your other relationships. You must not allow your mother that kind of power over your life. We hear stories all the time "he's this way (distant, abusive, controlling, whatever) because he had a bad home life". While a bad home life can scar you - it is YOUR choice if you allow it to continue to affect you.

I'll share something - but it's very difficult for me to say.

I thought I'd gotten over my whole realtionship thing with my mother. I thought I was over it. In reality I wasn't, I'd just stuffed and ignored the feelings. They came back with a vengance when DD was born. I thought I might have some baby blues dealing with post partum. What I felt was rage. An almost uncontrollable rage. It was terrifying. I would sit in a ball and shake, afraid to move, afraid I'd hurt my little girl. I cannot describe the level of rage I felt. I couldn't understand it. I felt helpless against it.

Then one day I realized. I was ANGRY at my mother. Finally I understood what it was to love a child. Finally I knew what that love felt like. Finally I understood the full depth of the betrayal she perpetrated against me and my brother - destroying our family for her own selfish pursuit of happiness with her OM - the man she forced me to call dad. She did this when I was 2 and my brother 2 months old. He was 8 MONTHS old when she remarried. I finally realized how big a dump she took on my life and my childhood. And I was enraged.

At the same time I discovered that my mother never wanted children when she was younger. I learned some details of how she treated me and my brother when we were born. Her selfishness made sense. I was jealouse that my daughter will have a better life, that she was planned for, hoped for, desired and loved by her parents.

It has been a long hard road as I've worked to forgive my mother for the evils she perpetrated against me. But I've had to do it. I've poured my heart out in prayer and shed many tears. But things have gotten so much better.

I know you probably don't want to hear it - but you should work to forgive your mother. Forgivness isn't for your mother. Forgiveness is for you. Forgivness is letting go the anger and hurt you feel from her. Forgivness doesn't mean letting her in your life. She's toxic and, honestly, you would probably be better off if your boundary with her included No Contact.

But if you let the anger sit. If you hold onto it - it will only cause you more damage.

(((karma))) you can come through this - despite the kind of mother you've had. YOU have the power here, hon, NOT her.
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