Mort Fertel? - 05/25/13 09:00 PM
I have been researching this program because I recently became alarmed when a betrayed wife reported that Mort advised her to "apologize to your husband for exposure." [according to Mort, adulterers have a "right to privacy"] Her wayward, cheating husband was angry about exposure. The betrayed wife was SUICIDAL because of his affair and Mort had advised her to "work on herself" and be the best wife possible. She was already experiencing suicidal ideation but he did not have the qualifications or experience to correctly handle this. I am very alarmed at the destructive, reckless advice this person gives to clients.
His credentials say he has a degree and is not a psychologist and not a licensed therapist. He has no training whatsoever in this field.
Dr Bill Harley, on the other hand, is a licensed clinical psychologist who bases his program on clinical experience coupled with the best research in the industry. Here is what he says about trying to win a husband back:
In other words, the advice to continue to try and win her back puts this woman at risk for a nervous breakdown and/or years of post traumatic stress disorder. Dr Harley recommends to betrayed wives to only try to win the spouse back for 3 weeks before going into a completely dark separation. This is done to avoid the inevitable emotional and physical harm that results from an ongoing affair.
I found another review by a therapist who felt the same way:
here
Mort also advised this woman against exposure:
She was told that her husband had a "right to the privacy" commit adultery. That is the first time I have ever heard that anyone has a RIGHT to destroy another behind her back. And she was told that TELLING a child about adultery would jeopardize the relationship rather than the truth: adultery will jeopardize his relationship with the parent. As if lies and illusions make children happy or secure. The exact opposite is true.
here
Dr. Harley calls that approach enabling and we have seen many marriages destroyed when a frightened, betrayed spouse enables an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret obviously helps.....the affair thrive!!
Dr Harley describes exposure as "the single most important first step toward recovery. Yet Mort tells clients to avoid this effective weapon to their own detriment. Yet, almost every recovered marriage on Marriage Builder attributes that recovery to exposure.
His credentials say he has a degree and is not a psychologist and not a licensed therapist. He has no training whatsoever in this field.
Originally Posted by from his website
"Mort Fertel graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, was the CEO of an international non-profit organization, and a former marathon runner. He lives with his wife and 5 children (including triplets!) in Baltimore, Maryland."
Dr Bill Harley, on the other hand, is a licensed clinical psychologist who bases his program on clinical experience coupled with the best research in the industry. Here is what he says about trying to win a husband back:
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad.
The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.
The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.
The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.
The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.
In other words, the advice to continue to try and win her back puts this woman at risk for a nervous breakdown and/or years of post traumatic stress disorder. Dr Harley recommends to betrayed wives to only try to win the spouse back for 3 weeks before going into a completely dark separation. This is done to avoid the inevitable emotional and physical harm that results from an ongoing affair.
I found another review by a therapist who felt the same way:
Quote
Posted by elizabeth s (4 months ago)
Fertel's advice to two of my clients was terrible
I am a licensed marriage & family therapist, and have been for 30 years. Several female clients came to see me after "working Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program." One was told by her MF counselor to tolerate her husband's flagrant, on-going infidelity and "work on being the best wife you can be." Not only was this damaging to whatever was left of her self-esteem, it exposed her teenage daughter and son to their father's shameless behavior. Another client was "working the program" for almost a year, and by the time I saw her with her husband, he had drifted so far away (while she "worked on herself"), that there was no way back.
If you want expert help with your marriage, I recommend going to a professional with advanced training. As far as I can tell, Mort Fertel has great marketing, but no professional qualifications to practice as a therapist.
Fertel's advice to two of my clients was terrible
I am a licensed marriage & family therapist, and have been for 30 years. Several female clients came to see me after "working Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program." One was told by her MF counselor to tolerate her husband's flagrant, on-going infidelity and "work on being the best wife you can be." Not only was this damaging to whatever was left of her self-esteem, it exposed her teenage daughter and son to their father's shameless behavior. Another client was "working the program" for almost a year, and by the time I saw her with her husband, he had drifted so far away (while she "worked on herself"), that there was no way back.
If you want expert help with your marriage, I recommend going to a professional with advanced training. As far as I can tell, Mort Fertel has great marketing, but no professional qualifications to practice as a therapist.
Mort also advised this woman against exposure:
Quote
"He advises keeping the affair a secret (even from someone like my mom), as telling anyone about it would violate H's privacy, rightfully anger H, and hinder reconciliation (H would feel such shame in front of so many people that he would be less likely to come back to the marriage). Also, he thinks that telling a child about a parent's affair is one of the worst things you could do to a child, as it would jeopardize the child's relationship with that parent."
She was told that her husband had a "right to the privacy" commit adultery. That is the first time I have ever heard that anyone has a RIGHT to destroy another behind her back. And she was told that TELLING a child about adultery would jeopardize the relationship rather than the truth: adultery will jeopardize his relationship with the parent. As if lies and illusions make children happy or secure. The exact opposite is true.
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist
"The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults."
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults."
Dr. Harley calls that approach enabling and we have seen many marriages destroyed when a frightened, betrayed spouse enables an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret obviously helps.....the affair thrive!!
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
Originally Posted by Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Dr Harley describes exposure as "the single most important first step toward recovery. Yet Mort tells clients to avoid this effective weapon to their own detriment. Yet, almost every recovered marriage on Marriage Builder attributes that recovery to exposure.