In-Laws -- Need Advice - 06/27/00 11:48 PM
I'll try to make this as brief as possible and still give you the main idea. My husband and I were separated for almost a year when he moved out to live with an online flame. We have two small children, and he moved 1,000 miles away. We reconciled right before Thanksgiving. Things are going very well for us right now, but I really don't want a conflict that could undo all of the good we've done.<P>In all that time, the kids and I never saw his parents. They had absolutely no interest in maintaining contact with the kids, although they called me once in a while to check up on us (they live six hours away). My husband visited them once without the kids while we were apart. However, the kids and I haven't seen them in over two years. How can they go two years without seeing their grandkids???<P>We've been trying to plan a trip to visit them, and this is the conflict. Our finances are extremely limited because I'm in college and we live paycheck to paycheck. Trips to visit his parents cost us at the very least, $500 because (you won't believe this) when we get there, nobody feeds us and we have to eat out for all our meals. We used to stay in either the MIL's house or the FIL's house, but it's not feasible now and we'd have to pay for a hotel. Even when we make the six hour trip, they treat us as if we aren't even there. She still goes to bingo. They sit on the computer with their backs to us, or play video games, then won't let the kids play. She'll go on trips to the mall with her sisters, then not ask me if I want to go. And they aren't old -- they're pushing 50! She has a daughter who is my son's age (nine)!!! The money is NOT a problem for them, but whenever we've asked them to help us out a bit financially for the trip, they won't. We always come home from these trips feeling rejected and depressed. One of us always cries on the ride home.<P>We've invited them here countless times, but they always come up with some lame excuse as to why they can't (it was "softball practice" on Memorial Day). Personally, I'd love to write them off for more reasons that this.<P>Both of his parents were abusive to him in different ways. His father beat him, and his mother "approved." This wasn't a typical abused wife being afraid of the husband. He never abused her -- just the kids. When she remarried, the stepfather abused them even more and she thought this was just fine, because that's the way it is -- the men are the disciplinarians and the women should stay out of it. She seems like a sweetheart of a woman on the outside, but she's very dishonest and deceitful on the inside. I can't explain it without writing a book, and this is turning into a novel. Sorry Because she's so sweet, my husband has a hard time staying mad at her for anything she does. Don't get me wrong -- he can see right through it, but she's still his mother.<P>Anyway, he's got a family reunion coming up at the end of July. It means a lot for him to be there. I am totally against it, because we are behind on almost all of our bills. This trip will break us and we won't be able to pay our bills for the month of August. However, at the end of August, I will be getting a financial aid check for school and we can catch up on them then. Yet, I really resent that. That money is to be spent on my books and supplies. We always like to buy something nice for the house (and we need a new microwave) and we won't be able to if we take this trip.<P>Anyway, like I said in the beginning, I don't want a big conflict with him. I haven't really told him how much I'm against taking this trip, although he has to know how I feel. What should I do? I need an unbiased opinion. My friends and family all say one thing, but that's because they know me. Should I swallow it, forget the bills, and go? Or should I simply tell him we can't afford it and if they want to see these kids, they can come to us. My four year old doesn't even realize she HAS two grandmothers!!! Every time I tell her she does, she laughs and tells me I'm silly. That's sad.<P>I know this seems petty compared to some of the problems people have on these boards, but believe me, I've been there. I went through my hell on the infidelity forum, so I am grateful to finally be posting here in "Other Topics." <P>