I'll try to make this as brief as possible and still give you the main idea. My husband and I were separated for almost a year when he moved out to live with an online flame. We have two small children, and he moved 1,000 miles away. We reconciled right before Thanksgiving. Things are going very well for us right now, but I really don't want a conflict that could undo all of the good we've done.<P>In all that time, the kids and I never saw his parents. They had absolutely no interest in maintaining contact with the kids, although they called me once in a while to check up on us (they live six hours away). My husband visited them once without the kids while we were apart. However, the kids and I haven't seen them in over two years. How can they go two years without seeing their grandkids???<P>We've been trying to plan a trip to visit them, and this is the conflict. Our finances are extremely limited because I'm in college and we live paycheck to paycheck. Trips to visit his parents cost us at the very least, $500 because (you won't believe this) when we get there, nobody feeds us and we have to eat out for all our meals. We used to stay in either the MIL's house or the FIL's house, but it's not feasible now and we'd have to pay for a hotel. Even when we make the six hour trip, they treat us as if we aren't even there. She still goes to bingo. They sit on the computer with their backs to us, or play video games, then won't let the kids play. She'll go on trips to the mall with her sisters, then not ask me if I want to go. And they aren't old -- they're pushing 50! She has a daughter who is my son's age (nine)!!! The money is NOT a problem for them, but whenever we've asked them to help us out a bit financially for the trip, they won't. We always come home from these trips feeling rejected and depressed. One of us always cries on the ride home.<P>We've invited them here countless times, but they always come up with some lame excuse as to why they can't (it was "softball practice" on Memorial Day). Personally, I'd love to write them off for more reasons that this.<P>Both of his parents were abusive to him in different ways. His father beat him, and his mother "approved." This wasn't a typical abused wife being afraid of the husband. He never abused her -- just the kids. When she remarried, the stepfather abused them even more and she thought this was just fine, because that's the way it is -- the men are the disciplinarians and the women should stay out of it. She seems like a sweetheart of a woman on the outside, but she's very dishonest and deceitful on the inside. I can't explain it without writing a book, and this is turning into a novel. Sorry Because she's so sweet, my husband has a hard time staying mad at her for anything she does. Don't get me wrong -- he can see right through it, but she's still his mother.<P>Anyway, he's got a family reunion coming up at the end of July. It means a lot for him to be there. I am totally against it, because we are behind on almost all of our bills. This trip will break us and we won't be able to pay our bills for the month of August. However, at the end of August, I will be getting a financial aid check for school and we can catch up on them then. Yet, I really resent that. That money is to be spent on my books and supplies. We always like to buy something nice for the house (and we need a new microwave) and we won't be able to if we take this trip.<P>Anyway, like I said in the beginning, I don't want a big conflict with him. I haven't really told him how much I'm against taking this trip, although he has to know how I feel. What should I do? I need an unbiased opinion. My friends and family all say one thing, but that's because they know me. Should I swallow it, forget the bills, and go? Or should I simply tell him we can't afford it and if they want to see these kids, they can come to us. My four year old doesn't even realize she HAS two grandmothers!!! Every time I tell her she does, she laughs and tells me I'm silly. That's sad.<P>I know this seems petty compared to some of the problems people have on these boards, but believe me, I've been there. I went through my hell on the infidelity forum, so I am grateful to finally be posting here in "Other Topics." <P>

Hi Marseeya I can understand your frustration 100% because I've been in the same situation but much worse. My H's family lives only 30 miles from us and hasnt seen their grandkids in almost 7 years! The mother is just like you described nice on the inside but somethings wrong inside. My H was also abused and has been made an outsider to top it all off. Its been really painful for him to feel so left out, but I kept telling him he had his own family now. It gets easier as the years go by and my oldest daughter doesnt ask about them anymore. My youngest was a baby the last time they saw her so she doesnt even know they exist. It was really hard for me to leave things alone because I was so hurt by them forgetting my children, but it gets easier every year. I occasionally send them a picture in the mail to let them see what they're missing but we've had no contact with them. Depending on your situation with them you may come to a point eventually where you will realize that if you've got to do so much for them to want to see your kids maybe they're just not worth it. The kids will pick up on the tension. How old are they? It may cause a conflict to stay home but why put yourself in debt to see some people who wouldnt take 6 hours of their lives to see their grandkids in 2 years? Before the falling out, our relationship with his family was like you described, they acted like they could care less whether we were there or not. I'm afraid you're setting yourself up for more disappointments with his family from the sound of it. Its not the quantity of family that matters but the quality. Good luck!

Hello Marseeya,<P>Sorry for your lousy situation with in-laws. My W and I do not have any kids so some people might feel that my opinion regarding them may not be fully justified, but I will offer one anyway.<P>From your story, this situation has existed for a rather lengthy period and does not look promising that the in-laws will or want to change. First, I believe that I would try to get the best understanding from your H as to how exactly he feels about the importance he places on the current or lack of relationship his parents have with your children, you and himself for that matter. If he feels that it is important for his parents to see your children then there are several things to consider. Are you exposing the kids to an unnecessary negative environment just because it seems like the thing to do? Just because they are grandparents does not mean that you are obligated to provide them time with your children, especially if they could care less. I do not believe that any parent wants to expose their children to an unhealthy situation.<P>It is important to find out where your husband stands on these issues because you want to make sure that you both hear each others feelings and mutually agree what is best for your family. Do not focus so much on the money issue as much as the real issues, which does it make any sense to spend our time with people who do not care to spend it with us. For example, the neighbors across the street have 2 kids (5 and 1), the W's parents are over there at least a couple of times a week, while my W and I see the H's parents only on occasion. I am merely pointing out that it is a choice whether someone has a desire to see someone else, ESPECIALLY GRANDKIDS...UNBELIEVABLE! Have you or your husband ever adddressed their behavior with them? Point blank, does it matter to them whether they see your family? I believe that sometimes we need to just ask the hard questions.<P>I guess the other thing to consider is that if the event is a family reunion, is it possible to stay with other relatives when you go?<P>I hope that this gives you at least a different perspective, but more importantly I hope it helps.<P>Remember to mutually agree with your H, but do not be afraid to express your views (nicely of course ).<P>Good Luck and and try to keep everything in perspective and do not be afraid to protect your family from unhealthy situations, especially your kids, but that includes your husband and yourself.<P>n2me

Hey!<BR>N2me made some great points. I would like to add that if the efforts to maintain contact are made soley by your h and you both feel rejected and in the way while you are visiting then it's definitely time for a calm nice family discussion. Everybody would probably be relieved if the family didn't visit because it will release them from the roles. A lot of families interact because they are "suppose" to according to society. Fact is, all that pretending is hard on everybody and usually will erupt in either hurt feelings or resentment.<BR>Tess