Amazingly, I've been out on two dates with two different people in the past week - one guy last Saturday, and another one tonight. (I met both of them on the internet...we emailed back and forth for a week or two, then met up for a date.)

With the guy from last week there was NO physical attraction, and also a lack of common interests - in the first 10 minutes I knew there'd be no 2nd date! (I wasn't interested!) Tonight, I was out with a different guy, I enjoyed his company and had some good laughs with him, even went out to play pool after the dinner part of the evening. However, physically I don't really feel any attraction to him. I also figured this one out in the first few minutes of the date. However, I hung around longer this time because I did enjoy talking to him.

I am beginning to feel like I'm shallow or something - even if the men I meet are nice guys, if I am not physically attracted to them, it seems pointless to me to go on. Both these guys were too skinny for my tastes. Their sense of fashion was a bit lacking as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not after Mr. GQ, and I certainly don't go for the pillsbury doughboy (instead of thin men), but I like a man with a reasonably good sense of fashion, broad shoulders, and arms I could be wrapped cozily in, not to mention a man who weighs at least AS much as I do!

However, I could end up single forever if I wait for a hot-bodied stud muffin to come my way.

For those of you who found love again, did you end up with someone you thought was sexy from the first time you met them, or did they have to grow on you?

I am thinking physical attraction would be a strong foundation to a relationship. Previously, waaaay back when I was 17, I was friends with my now exH for a few months, and even told him he wasn't my type, and then I ended up falling for him. I decided that my feelings for him outweighed the fact that he wasn't physically "my type". (He was a bit shorter than me, a red head, a bit on the cuddly side too.) My physical attraction to him was sort of like something I developed a taste for. All things considered, we ended up having a very strong physical attraction, sexually at least!

I have one female friend who said she married a friend the first time around, and that didn't work out. Now she is married to a man she was physically attracted to from the first meeting, and that she got to know and fell in love with for his qualities as well. After her experiences, she's a big believer in physical attration being a necessity in a relationship.

I'm curious to know what others' opinions on this one are.

Is that chemistry we're all seeking supposed to be physical and mental from the get-go?

I guess the other question in the back of my mind is should I go out again with man #2, even if I am feeling like I don't really feel any physical attraction to him?

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jen,

No I don't beleive you are shallow for wanting to find a man you are physically attracted to for without ANY physical attraction a relationship is handycapped from the start. Just make sure that your physical attraction doesn't blind you to his possible serious emotional shortcommings.

TMCM

Know what you want ... you are not shallow. Look at redhat list, you might want to send me to the gutter ... 1. Pretty looking, slimmer and younger than I am (this is one of my top 5 ENs, PA - I don't look 42 at all) 2. No kid (i don't want and know how to blend families) 3. Non Asian (i have no physical attraction at all to my own race, feels like dating my own sister ... plus here in BayArea Asian fetish is very high) 4. MBer

Love is a choice.
In-Love could be created.
Chemistry should stay in the lab.

JMVHO.

BTW: I found my match ... a GF that is willing and capable to do 4 gifts of Love to me and vice versa. As a bonus, she is 29 yr., Dv'ed - no kids, a latina and understand MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .

I think you're expectations are reasonable...there does have to be that initial "WOW" factor...at least for me when I was dating and possibly in the future when I MAY be dating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Then again, your date could open his mouth after the inital "WOW" and negate that COMPLETELY...the other half (personality) is important also.

TMCM and his (always sagelike) advice said it best...

My advice...Keep looking...never settle

Hi, Jen. If you enjoyed his company, and had a good time, give another date with him a try. You never know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I don't think you're being shallow. Of course, you can't judge a book by it's cover, and all that, but it sounds like you're trying to evaluate the whole package. Did you see the "chemistry" thread by JustinExplorer a little further down the page? It's kindof along the same lines. I have found (as you described) that sometimes you discover treasures you didn't know were there once you get to know someone, and the "wow" develops later.

hehe... it seems like there are 3 categories of physical attractiveness (at least this is how my brain works):
1 - no way, no matter what's inside, (just personal preference, right?)
2 - "tolerable"/average, depending on the rest of the package (pretty broad category),
3 - Mr. GQ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Faith1

This is so me. I have been going out a bit and I find I am soooo picky and I too have felt that I am shallow. I want the chemistry and the WOW and haven't found it. I'm not even looking for the GQ guy because they are usually so into themselves that they wouldn't know I existed.
I have met this wonderful guy. We have went out about 3 times and I enjoy being with him, but I'm not finding myself attracted. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I am not proud to be with him. I keep thinking how my STBX will react when he sees him. OK - maybe a red flag that I shouldn't be dating, but just being honest.
I just want to meet someone that I find attractive and that makes my heart flutter. It's nice to hear that someone else feels the same way, because I was starting to get concerned thinking that maybe I just wasn't ready to date so I was acting this way.

Lucky, I've thought of that too : What would my STBXWH think when he saw the new person?

I think for me that's because he went off with another woman and I want him to see that I'm worth someone who takes care of themselves and not think that I'm desperate so to speak.

On the other hand I think What does what HE thinks matter? Not to mention the fact that the OW was alot bigger than me and not as attractive B4.

I almost think I'd rather go out with someone ( once the D is final) that ISN'T as good looking.

My STBXWH is smokin hot most of the time (i.e. into bodybuilding - guitar player - let his hair grow out - cool clothes - beautiful eyes - nice face - and the stage factor with many women screaming for him didn't hurt either....)

But you know what? There is a HUGE expectation in my husband's eyes about the looks of the woman whom he has on his arm.

(That's why I didn't understand why he was with chunky ugly Cheryl, but he did call her his safety net several times.)

I spent a lot of time 'worried' so to speak about being good enough.

Not that I'm saying to be with someone so you can let yourself go, but I just don't want to feel that pressure of constantly wondering what he's thinking or feel the need to check my makeup every half hour.

I think physical attraction is important, but I don't agree with the WOW factor. I really believe that chemistry and WOW can grow with time as we get to know a person. One of the things that really upsets me is when a woman says after one or two dates "There's no chemistry for me". I think they may be looking for a very, very long time.

rh:

"Chemistry should stay in the lab."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

JE,

I agree with you. You can tell pretty quickly if you really can't get along with someone. I mean, you can't find anything to talk about, or you're getting on each others' nerves, or you really find them unattractive, etc. That's the definite "no way" category. But if you're really serious about "finding someone", you'll broaden your horizons, get to know someone, and give the attraction time to blossom.

hehe... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> it just occurred to me. How many stories are told about WS's having affairs with ugly OP's? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> It's not always about physical attractiveness. Something else got their attention... some other needs were met, and the Love Bank grew from there.

well....attraction has to be present...i do not think the wow factor is real but attraction is...i met my ex on match and i was attracted to her but she didnt have the wow factor...within 3 months i was so completely in love with her for her wonderful qualities and the way she treated me...i am still in love with her so i will be single for a long time....

you need attraction in my opinionso you are not being shallow, but there has to be some tolerances on your part or you will simply be dating 1 niters the rest of your life if you dont give someone a chance and get to know them

Maybe - if they are looking for chemistry with a good man who is "right" for them.

I don't pretend to know much about chemistry, but some "experts" (e.g. Harville Hendrix) have suggested that we may be attracted to someone whom we subconsciously feel will give us the chance to deal with unfinished business from our parental relationships. Other "experts" have even less flattering proposals for what causes chemistry.

We all know - and many here have been - people who have found themselves in one relationship after another where the same problems occurred. Although it's often pointed out that if this is your pattern you should consider that the common denominator is yourself, I wonder how much of the cause has to do with the mysteries of chemistry. We live in a culture which glorifies chemistry above all else when choosing a partner, but it may turn out that what most attracts us is what is most likely to destroy us. I'm not suggesting that this is a universal principle such that we are all like that, but I do suggest that it is wise not to trust chemistry (especially of the instant variety), particularly if there are wounds in your past.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that, if a woman gives up on an otherwise great prospect if she hasn't felt chemistry after just a couple of dates, she may have a worse problem than a long search for Mr. Right. She may actually be preventing herself from finding the Mr. Right who would in time grow on her, in exchange for finding a succession of Mr. Wrongs.

Yet, some men (many of whom are mature and very nice men from what I know about them) continually defend the fact that they will not date or consider dating a woman they do not find "attractive" regardless of what kind of person she is or the fact that she is certainly not ugly, repulsive or even plain! I find this dichotomy quite interesting, as it seems that some men are saying that women should look beyond the "wow" factor (or, rather, lack thereof) and get to know them better than just two dates, yet some of the same men may very well not even accept a date with someone who does not inspire a "wow" response in them right from the get-go.

I find that fascinating and disconcerting at the same time - a sad kind of double standard.

T

Terri,

I find it odd too at times for me personally.

Folks are discussing the "wow" factor or whatever you want to call it. Since my divorce and subsequent reflection on the type of woman I usually go for I have found that I was the shallow one....digging through a bunch of look-alike women until I would find one with insides I could live with.

Now I am doing it the other way around, I'm trying to find out what they are like inside first...it is amazing how much more attractive other women are outside my "norm" than I previously thought.

My mom told me that beauty comes and goes, it's what's inside you have to live with forever.

That being said, am I out looking purposely for women I find unnatractive? No, of course not but then I'm not looking for a penthouse pet either.

Who was it that put it on a 1-3 scale? I really like that one and I have gone out with a whole bunch of 2's I never would have thought a second about in my younger days.

Just rambling but it would be nice if more folks looked outside their comfort zone...there are a lot of gems out there waiting to be found.

RebornMan

Ok since I seemed of started this WOW thing maybe I should clarify what I mean by it. I don't mean that a man has to be drop dead gorgeous, but I want my heart to race a bit and I want to have the feeling that I can't wait to talk to him again. If I don't get these feelings early on then I feel that continuing to go out with him seems rude because I'm pretty sure that it will go no further and I don't want to have to hurt someone that seems interested in me. So after one date if I don't feel that I don't usually call them back. Maybe I am being wrong because maybe I am missing something. I don't know. I have been out of this so long that I don't have a clue.

Luckystar,

One date is enough to check if he is safe and there is interest from each other unless it was a very short starbuck date or very superficial social date. Next ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-rh-

I find this odd. I have talked to a number of women at work and near my home who are married or have been going with a guy for many years in an LTR. I would estimate that at least 1/3 have commented that at first they did not care for the guy. One told me how she was dating three guys and only went out with him if the other two were busy and she was bored. This went on for months. A married lady at work tells me how she did not like her husband at first and only went out with him to stop him from pestering her. Later, she went out with him because there was nobody else to go out with. Yet, these women now are deeply in love with these men.

I'm with you, Justin. I dunno. Maybe 1 reason is becuase it's how I feel about presenting myself. When I spent my few months on match.com, even after several e-mails where we got along just fine, enjjoyed talking to each other, and then we went on ONE date, a few of the men just didn't even say another word to me. I'm sorry - I'm not that repulsive! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> They had already seen my pics, and we had already talked and had stuff in common, and the dates went fine. I felt like, (and said to myself), "Give me another chance. Lets go out again. You can't tell anything from ONE date." There were a few that we went out 2-3 times, and THEN decided things weren't right. Perhaps some people are nervous on their first date - not really themselves. Some people let the other person do ALL the talking (maybe you don't have any chemistry with yourself! hehe, just kiddin). Maybe they were distracted, or simply got off on the wrong foot. Anyway, I feel like it takes more than 3 hours and a first impression to get to know someone. A second date, or more phone conversation is not a commitment, and not leading them on. And why is it a waste of time? if you're seriously looking for a potential mate, or even someone you enjoy spending an evening with? If one evening out was enjoyable, why not a second? You're not shopping for which tie pops with which shirt, and you're not even interviewing your next employee that you have reviewed references and resumes for, we should take our time and get to know the real "them", IF we like something about them at all. I'm NOT talking about settling.

Well JustinExplorer, as MBer, I believe in-love could be created.

One date for me is more than enough b/c I digged deep on the first date. I waste no time. I let her know about my relationship history and I ask hers.

Within one month of dating we knew each other w/ nothing left anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .

-rh-

Not shallow at all. If you are not physically attracted to your significant other how can you want to be intimate with him/her?

luckystar...
you should always at least call them back and tell them that you are not interested.....not doing so is plain rude

Well it would appear my concerns are a moot point - it's Wednesday and I haven't heard a peep out of the man I went out with last Friday. He must not've been interested.

I guess the general consensus here is that many of us feel there should be (or we'd ideally like there to be) an initial sense of physical attraction or a feeling of chemistry, yet sometimes it is possible to develop it later, even if your first impression isn't one of physical attraction.

You know, the funny thing is, of the seven men I've gone out with on dates in the past year, only two of them wanted to see more of me when I wasn't interested. The other 5 decided they just weren't interested in me, or didn't feel the "chemistry" with me, even though I still wanted to try dating them a bit longer than for one or two dates. Based on that track record, maybe I ought to try something other than the internet. Or maybe I give off some wierd vibe. I have a feeling I give off an "take me or leave me the way I am" kind of vibe. Although at least I've had 7 practice sessions in terms of first dates. That's already more people than I dated before I met my exH.

I am going to take a break from the internet dating thing here for a while. I think maybe I'll try and talk a friend of mine into cruising the bars again, to meet people in person and see what happens.

Jen:)

I agree that there should be some element of attractiveness there - if the guy is not Mr. GQ, he should be neatly dressed and clean and smell good (not necessarily after shave because they can be overpowering, but soap, etc. The other elements of "chemistry" for me are in the way that we interact. Is he funny or charming, does the conversation flow smoothly, do we laugh at the same things, does he understand my humor, is he smart, is he crude or rude...

It is quite possible that someone sensitive to body language may be picking up on your unconscious signals. It is also possible that you just weren't "it" for them. There is nothing wrong with your lack of interest or theirs - there are just too many factors involved on both sides of the interaction to try and figure that one out.

Dr. Harley recommends that you date at least 30 people before you settle for any one. I think you may have a ways to go yet.

That is entirely your call and I don't know how old you are but I think that you might want to continue with the online thing as well - I found that I had a much larger pool of candidates in my age category than I would have found in bars. Most 40 yo guys are past the bar scene - unless recently divorced. The recently divorced may not be ready for a relationship and any others were by and large traveling salesmen, bar flies, or married men.

Just my opinion.

V.

Don't be despair ... keep trying. I dated many before I found my GF.


The type of fish you'll going to catch depend on the pond where you fish ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> . Try this Toronto Link Up instead. Look for your target environments.

I found mine offline under my nose (my church where I volunteer) for a year until I noticed and asked her out.

Good luck. -rh-

Regarding letting someone know you're not interested..

I've always thought letting someone know you're not, or are no longer interested was the polite thing to do. But I must say that I've had some pretty rude responses! These have been from men who just sent me an introductory e-mail or ones I had been e-mailing back and forth with for a short period of time. I try to be polite..keep it simple..maybe give a very brief explanation to give them a little feedback about my stopping contact.

I had one man who had sent a first e-mail who listed "separated" as his marital status. I choose not to connect with individuals who are separated. For me, that makes them "unavailable", not free to explore another relationship. I thanked the man for his interest and noted that I didn't become involved with men who were in a "separated" marital status. He wrote me back two more times trying to convince me that he "would never get back together with his ex", and thought I should reconsider his interest!

A second man had contacted me with an initial e-mail of interest. I briefly responded noting I was open to the idea. Well, that same night he suddenly "popped" onto my chat window...uninvited..and started displaying some odd animal figure cartoons with sayings that I thought were juvenile, at best, and sexually suggestive at worse. I did chat for a short time, trying not to jump to a quick conclusion about him. He went on to say that he felt that the Universe had something special in mind for us. That his intuition was that we would make a good couple...etc. All the while these cartoons were flashing on and off. I excused myself after a brief chat. I then wrote him a brief e-mail thanking him for his interest but that I didn't want to continue contact. He wrote me two of the nastiest e-mails about my being "the most judgemental person he ever met...having a conceited attitude...jumping to conclusions about him before I even knew him, etc. He was verbally abusive in the terms he used responding to me. While I try to be open to feedback about the impact of my behavior on others, I have never been accused of the things he said by any other people in my life! I finally told him that if he wanted specific feedback about how I made my decision, I'd give it to him. I used very specific examples, and tried to be courteous in the way I shared them. I ended by stating that if he felt I had been judgemental and insulting of him, I would encourage him not to give his power away in terms of letting someone else's opinion so strongly affect his self-esteem. He responded with a one word e-mail: "Touche". Then I blocked him!

Another guy decided I was a "fruitcake" after I chose to have no further e-mail contact. He told me that had been "stalked" by 3 other women he had previously met through the internet. He didn't like to share alot of details about himself because of this. He was 45 years old and "widowed". I asked him how long he had been widowed (especially being quite young) and he said "for awhile now." He was evasive on other questions and sharing information about himself. So I told him that while I could understand his concern about stalking, I didn't choose to have further contact with him as I didn't want to deal with being the current "target" of his concerns. That's when I became a "fruitcake".

So, I don't always know what to do in the way of responding or letting someone know I'm not interested. It's hard enough for me to do this to begin with. I realize how hard it can be for some people (like myself!) to take the initiative and make contact. At the same time I dont want any hassles from them, and I don't really owe them anything. Guess there needs to be a few more lessons on internet contact/dating etiquette!

Gee, that Toronto Link Up website is neat redhat.....wish they had something like that where I live! (My city isn't on their list on the website....I'm about 4 provinces west of Toronto.)

I wish there were some single men "under my nose"....but there don't seem to be at this point, other than ones that I have no romantic interest in.

As for internet dating contact etiquette, I've become as bad as some of the men out there, I just conveniently drop contact sometimes....just plain old stop emailing them. I guess I deserve it if I get that treatment from some of them in the future now, but the conflict avoider in me sure found it easier to just stop emailing rather than explain why I wasn't interested. That way I don't have to come up with a euphemism for "I'm just not that into you" that sounds kind. lol

Jen

hi jen...
how bout ...i dont think that we are a good match....be polite as it may come back to you....

and what do you mean...as bad as some of the men out there....lol

I don't think you are shallow at all. I think that there is someone out there for everyone. You haven't found that person yet. Until you do have fun and enjoy yourself. When I was away from my XH I was around many different types of men I dated a few of them but they didn't do anything for me. I had a list of qualities I wanted in a man and stuck to it.

Then my friend told me to go on match.com and I did, I finished filling out the profile and noticed I had mail already. I read the email and sent something back to this person. I talked to a few other people but knew right away they weren't for me. After about aweek of emailing with the first guy, we talked on the phone I still have a copy of that $400 phone bill (that was 6.5 yrs ago)I ended up meeting the man and when I first layed eyes on him there was an instant click, the rest is history, we've been together since. We have a son and been married 4 yrs now.

Jen,

4 provinces ... sorry, I know you are up north but never knew the exact area.

I got tons of them ... I emailed around 20-30 every week and sometime not even "thanks but not interested" reply . I got silence; "you don't exist". I learned very quick that Match or Yahoo is not my target environment. Most profiles are caucasian not looking for Asian. Even most Asian not looking for Asian man. My dates had been Latina, even my exW is PR. Most of them are not online but at church, family activities ... I met her at church. When I went for her BDay I notice that she is interested in me (she told me later that she was waiting for me to ask her for 1.5 year ... talk about clueless, well that time I was facilitator in a group w/ no-dating policy).

I went to "Boundary in Dating" seminar, Cloud said Online is the best way to meet as much people as possible. One rule that he told his client (Cloud is a relationship coach) to go out at least once with people that reply to your profile. As long as you are not repulsed by his profile. Meet them at public place ... give 'em 30 minutes chance and keep it longer if he is more than his profile.

-rh-

3B ... you could be an ad on match.com, ever consider to do that$ ? LOL!.

I am glad that you have a happy R ...

-rh-

I did email them and let them know about our success story LOL, I got a congratulations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

no, jen

there is a very big difference in being attracted to someone because the physical attraction is strong. . I know that in my case, my now GF is much more attractive than my X, she feels just right next to me, smells nice very often, and tastes very nice. . . her hands are soft and smooth, slightly smaller, just a hair, so that we are nearly eye to eye. . .

and she can smile and laugh very well. .. nice big, wide smile. . . hey, if SF is high on the list, attractiveness usually has a small amount of influence. . .

the best advice is not to rushed, and just go out to as many places where attractive, your types hang out, and eventually, you will find someone


wiftty

So, what if you can't figure out where the other people like you hang out?

And the people who contact you on internet things sound creepy or their photos are yucky?

Do you throw in the towel and just hang out here?

That is where I used to be....though I have been seeing the Diplomat for several years now, there are people who don't know I'm seeing anyone simply because he is so far away that we have to travel to see each other.

I'm not shopping for a man. But, generally, I've been puzzled at the lack of men I've encountered to whom I felt attracted and who expressed interest in me. In all the years before I met the Diplomat, not a single friend offered to fix me up with anyone. I spent several years going to photography school part-time and the only interest men were weird as can be or gross. There has been only 1 single man about my age at church and I didn't find anything about him attractive. You name it, I did the right things.

I still can't help but wonder what's up with that.

You aren't being shallow to expect some sort of spark when you meet someone for a prearrange meeting.

I once had a blind date that I saw from a distance and thought, 'Please let that not be him!' Well, it was him. And he reminded me so much of my x it wasn't funny. Shaped like x, dressed like x, opinionated like x, attitude like x. Was a miserable afternoon. Simply miserable.

Hello my glass slippered doll,

Cindy, what region are you living in? There are ALWAYS alternatives and options.

But the sound of your post was rather cynical and full of despair.

Care to share?

Reborn

Cynical maybe...despair, nope. Perplexed, yes. Maybe that's a sign I need to work on myself. I have wondered if I exude that aura and the Diplomat is the only one to have seen through it.

Hey Jen,

Read what you wrote above again for me.....I'm waiting......all done?

OK, let's discuss.

Listen darling, you don't have to come up with any euphemism....this is a great opportunity to get rid of that crap called "Conflict Avoidance".

It just isn't healthy and this is the "NEW YOU" we are working on here right?

This is your opportunity to change what you don't like and become what you choose to be. Why keep hiding behind the masks you have constructed for yourself all these years? Burn those darn things and start fresh...use the true you...show the true Jen...

So you'll be the outspoken, take no crap Jen in public but you'll be the usual "hide when something is uncomfortable Jen" when it suits you?

Hey Jen, that isn't growing and learning....that is re-wrapping yesterdays meat with a new expiration date!

Please don't think I am being cruel or overly critical Jen...I'm not at all, what I am doing is trying to explain how the "masks" you have constructed for yourself are still in use...by masks I mean the way you react to situations, you know you are a conflict avoider...that is OK and reaaly powerful that you know that but more importantly you need to learn and recognize when you start slipping into that and putting on your mask to protect yourself.

If it sounds strange I'd be happy to elaborate on it, that is if you aren't to pissed to listen now...lol..I am a reforming "conflict avoider" so I know what I am talking about and have really made an effort to correct it.

Good Luck Lady....you are one of the good ones alright.

RebornMan

Cindy,

Perhaps..or perhaps you are projecting?

You've been around long enough to know there are no "soul mates" and no "one" that will fulfill all our needs.

You know that there are many folks that can be the "one"..that can be our object of desire.

Maybe, just maybe, you aren't ready to explore that yet? It does take time and it takes a great amount of work.

Just a thought.

I'm pretty happy as it is....just sometimes wonder what it is about me that I need to work on - besides the one issue to me that is most obvious. Just wonder what I'm not seeing.

And is the extremely long nature of my extremely long distance relationship really an effort to avoid having a man more active in my life? I ponder this but don't want to hijack this thread further.

So, back to the topic, is not being interested if they don't "look right" a sign on shallowness? Maybe. Maybe not. If you are only interested if they are as handsome as Pierce Brosnan or Catherine Zeta-Jones, maybe. If you are turned off by men who look 8 months pregnant or have mullet haircuts, probably not.

Cindy,

But is love possible with an 8months pregnant man, with a super mullet AND...heres th cinch.


He drives a 1978 Black and gold Trans Am with the big freakin bird on the hood?

Got ya thinkin' now don't I....lol

Hi Jen,

I have grown so much since before marriage. Looks used to be my #1 concern and anything after that was a bonus. I have found out, that "sometimes" the more attractive a guy is, the more you may have to worry. Or, that he is so into himself, that he doesn't quite have time for you.

Today, I'm more about, attractive would be the bonus, but really, I really would enjoy a guy that can make me laugh. I think that a person becomes more attractive by their personality.


I don't think your alone in this thought process at all.

Karona

and if between one's job, and raising one's kids of divorce to be as healthy as possible, then there may not be the time to do the great amount of work. . .

Reborn, i don't know if you are very good at statistics, but after the age of 40, using just generalized parameters, the available population of eligible marriage material is about 2-3 percent of the population, considerably lower than in one's twenties, at about 40 to 45 percent. . .

so although you type as a generalized optimist, the increase in work required appears to be exponential in comparison with the past. . .

wiftty

Is love possible with a man who looks 8-months pregnant and has a bad haircut? Maybe not a mullet but a bad haircut....I guess so because someone married my x.

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WIFTTY,

I type that way because I am that way.

I like being my normal self again after spending the last 5 years slowly sinking into pessimism and self doubt.

It is a whole lot easier keeping the weight of the world off my shoulders when I look for positives rather than dwell on negatives.

Been there, don't wanna go back there.

One other thing...I like finding small victories even when things don't go my way.

I don't mean "Hey, I lost my house to the bank but look at this cool toothbrush I found!"

I do understand what you mean by finding time, I'm there right now...4 kids, job, school and all the rest but we ALWAYS will find time to do what is important to us...and really, how much time does it take? Once you have the tools it is really about applying them in your life and soon you don't even think about it you just do it naturally.

If you just be the best you the numbers don't matter...

Good Luck

PS- Forgot to add something....date woman in their 20's...lol...I just upped your odds...it works for me

Just another "what if" for everyone.

Well, I guess physical attractiveness is not my #1 EN. Just never has been. The other stuff gets my attention FAR more. Sure, Physical attractiveness is on my list somewhere, and no matter how much someone meets my other EN's, if I can't stand to look at him LOL, well, I wouldn't want to marry him. But, beauty is "in the eye of the beholder", and *handsome* to me is different than *handsome* to someone else.

But anyway.... onto my "what if". What if something happens to the person you're in love with (dating or married)? Something that changes their outside appearance. An accident, a disease, etc., that physically makes them less attractive. Would you still love them the same way?

If so, then why wouldn't you open your mind to "less" attractive potential dates, and dig deep to get to know them on the inside, to see if the relationship can grow?

A year and 1/2 ago, my BF contracted Bells Palsy. The experts don't know everything about it... and I won't get into all that... but 1/2 of his face was temporarily paralyzed. Most of it came back, but not all. It's a terrible thing to go through ANYWAY, but one of his fears was that I wouldn't love him anymore. And if we ever DID break up, that no woman would ever love him again - would ever give him the time of day. Some women would never consider him. They would look at him and wonder why one eye droops a little, or why his smile is crooked. NOT FAIR. Right? But is true. But he's the same person on the inside.

Just something to think about. Somewhat different than some of the conversation here (baldness, fat/thin, tall/short, blue eyes/green eyes, grey hair, too much make-up, etc.) But still something to think about.... Would your love change if your current partner's appearance changed?

comments?

Good point faith. Often though, people do change when they experience "life", serious illness, great loss, disfiguring accident...they are not the same inside, they change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. How they change will affect the nature of the relationship...there are no free rides in life, a relationship has to be earned and deserved every day...or you lose it. So if someone experiences "life" and it makes them bitter, unreasonable, needy, whatever...well, that may indeed change the way someone feels about them. Likewise if one rises above the Lemons" and makes the proverbial lemonade, that will also change how people feel about them, and will draw them etc.

Thanks for your response knight.

You reminded me of my exH and his cancer. I was by his side for 2 years as he battled testicular cancer. 2 surgeries, 3 months of chemo. He lost 90 pounds (he could afford it). I think surviving cancer was a huge part of his A, and "unhappiness" in life and the marriage, like he thought now that he survived "there must be something better out there". He also looked GREAT after losing all that weight, and received all kinds of attention from everyone, including females, along with the accolades of beating cancer and succeeding at work anyway, etc etc. Lemonade? Don't know about that. LOL But, yes, people can and do change along with the "experience", and along with their appearance.

Also, in general (without an illness, accident, etc), self-confidence and attitidue often is affected by what someone sees in the mirror, or whether they think they are attractive or not.