luckystar...
you should always at least call them back and tell them that you are not interested.....not doing so is plain rude

Well it would appear my concerns are a moot point - it's Wednesday and I haven't heard a peep out of the man I went out with last Friday. He must not've been interested.

I guess the general consensus here is that many of us feel there should be (or we'd ideally like there to be) an initial sense of physical attraction or a feeling of chemistry, yet sometimes it is possible to develop it later, even if your first impression isn't one of physical attraction.

You know, the funny thing is, of the seven men I've gone out with on dates in the past year, only two of them wanted to see more of me when I wasn't interested. The other 5 decided they just weren't interested in me, or didn't feel the "chemistry" with me, even though I still wanted to try dating them a bit longer than for one or two dates. Based on that track record, maybe I ought to try something other than the internet. Or maybe I give off some wierd vibe. I have a feeling I give off an "take me or leave me the way I am" kind of vibe. Although at least I've had 7 practice sessions in terms of first dates. That's already more people than I dated before I met my exH.

I am going to take a break from the internet dating thing here for a while. I think maybe I'll try and talk a friend of mine into cruising the bars again, to meet people in person and see what happens.

Jen:)

I agree that there should be some element of attractiveness there - if the guy is not Mr. GQ, he should be neatly dressed and clean and smell good (not necessarily after shave because they can be overpowering, but soap, etc. The other elements of "chemistry" for me are in the way that we interact. Is he funny or charming, does the conversation flow smoothly, do we laugh at the same things, does he understand my humor, is he smart, is he crude or rude...

It is quite possible that someone sensitive to body language may be picking up on your unconscious signals. It is also possible that you just weren't "it" for them. There is nothing wrong with your lack of interest or theirs - there are just too many factors involved on both sides of the interaction to try and figure that one out.

Dr. Harley recommends that you date at least 30 people before you settle for any one. I think you may have a ways to go yet.

That is entirely your call and I don't know how old you are but I think that you might want to continue with the online thing as well - I found that I had a much larger pool of candidates in my age category than I would have found in bars. Most 40 yo guys are past the bar scene - unless recently divorced. The recently divorced may not be ready for a relationship and any others were by and large traveling salesmen, bar flies, or married men.

Just my opinion.

V.

Don't be despair ... keep trying. I dated many before I found my GF.


The type of fish you'll going to catch depend on the pond where you fish ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> . Try this Toronto Link Up instead. Look for your target environments.

I found mine offline under my nose (my church where I volunteer) for a year until I noticed and asked her out.

Good luck. -rh-

Regarding letting someone know you're not interested..

I've always thought letting someone know you're not, or are no longer interested was the polite thing to do. But I must say that I've had some pretty rude responses! These have been from men who just sent me an introductory e-mail or ones I had been e-mailing back and forth with for a short period of time. I try to be polite..keep it simple..maybe give a very brief explanation to give them a little feedback about my stopping contact.

I had one man who had sent a first e-mail who listed "separated" as his marital status. I choose not to connect with individuals who are separated. For me, that makes them "unavailable", not free to explore another relationship. I thanked the man for his interest and noted that I didn't become involved with men who were in a "separated" marital status. He wrote me back two more times trying to convince me that he "would never get back together with his ex", and thought I should reconsider his interest!

A second man had contacted me with an initial e-mail of interest. I briefly responded noting I was open to the idea. Well, that same night he suddenly "popped" onto my chat window...uninvited..and started displaying some odd animal figure cartoons with sayings that I thought were juvenile, at best, and sexually suggestive at worse. I did chat for a short time, trying not to jump to a quick conclusion about him. He went on to say that he felt that the Universe had something special in mind for us. That his intuition was that we would make a good couple...etc. All the while these cartoons were flashing on and off. I excused myself after a brief chat. I then wrote him a brief e-mail thanking him for his interest but that I didn't want to continue contact. He wrote me two of the nastiest e-mails about my being "the most judgemental person he ever met...having a conceited attitude...jumping to conclusions about him before I even knew him, etc. He was verbally abusive in the terms he used responding to me. While I try to be open to feedback about the impact of my behavior on others, I have never been accused of the things he said by any other people in my life! I finally told him that if he wanted specific feedback about how I made my decision, I'd give it to him. I used very specific examples, and tried to be courteous in the way I shared them. I ended by stating that if he felt I had been judgemental and insulting of him, I would encourage him not to give his power away in terms of letting someone else's opinion so strongly affect his self-esteem. He responded with a one word e-mail: "Touche". Then I blocked him!

Another guy decided I was a "fruitcake" after I chose to have no further e-mail contact. He told me that had been "stalked" by 3 other women he had previously met through the internet. He didn't like to share alot of details about himself because of this. He was 45 years old and "widowed". I asked him how long he had been widowed (especially being quite young) and he said "for awhile now." He was evasive on other questions and sharing information about himself. So I told him that while I could understand his concern about stalking, I didn't choose to have further contact with him as I didn't want to deal with being the current "target" of his concerns. That's when I became a "fruitcake".

So, I don't always know what to do in the way of responding or letting someone know I'm not interested. It's hard enough for me to do this to begin with. I realize how hard it can be for some people (like myself!) to take the initiative and make contact. At the same time I dont want any hassles from them, and I don't really owe them anything. Guess there needs to be a few more lessons on internet contact/dating etiquette!

Gee, that Toronto Link Up website is neat redhat.....wish they had something like that where I live! (My city isn't on their list on the website....I'm about 4 provinces west of Toronto.)

I wish there were some single men "under my nose"....but there don't seem to be at this point, other than ones that I have no romantic interest in.

As for internet dating contact etiquette, I've become as bad as some of the men out there, I just conveniently drop contact sometimes....just plain old stop emailing them. I guess I deserve it if I get that treatment from some of them in the future now, but the conflict avoider in me sure found it easier to just stop emailing rather than explain why I wasn't interested. That way I don't have to come up with a euphemism for "I'm just not that into you" that sounds kind. lol

Jen

hi jen...
how bout ...i dont think that we are a good match....be polite as it may come back to you....

and what do you mean...as bad as some of the men out there....lol

I don't think you are shallow at all. I think that there is someone out there for everyone. You haven't found that person yet. Until you do have fun and enjoy yourself. When I was away from my XH I was around many different types of men I dated a few of them but they didn't do anything for me. I had a list of qualities I wanted in a man and stuck to it.

Then my friend told me to go on match.com and I did, I finished filling out the profile and noticed I had mail already. I read the email and sent something back to this person. I talked to a few other people but knew right away they weren't for me. After about aweek of emailing with the first guy, we talked on the phone I still have a copy of that $400 phone bill (that was 6.5 yrs ago)I ended up meeting the man and when I first layed eyes on him there was an instant click, the rest is history, we've been together since. We have a son and been married 4 yrs now.

Jen,

4 provinces ... sorry, I know you are up north but never knew the exact area.

I got tons of them ... I emailed around 20-30 every week and sometime not even "thanks but not interested" reply . I got silence; "you don't exist". I learned very quick that Match or Yahoo is not my target environment. Most profiles are caucasian not looking for Asian. Even most Asian not looking for Asian man. My dates had been Latina, even my exW is PR. Most of them are not online but at church, family activities ... I met her at church. When I went for her BDay I notice that she is interested in me (she told me later that she was waiting for me to ask her for 1.5 year ... talk about clueless, well that time I was facilitator in a group w/ no-dating policy).

I went to "Boundary in Dating" seminar, Cloud said Online is the best way to meet as much people as possible. One rule that he told his client (Cloud is a relationship coach) to go out at least once with people that reply to your profile. As long as you are not repulsed by his profile. Meet them at public place ... give 'em 30 minutes chance and keep it longer if he is more than his profile.

-rh-

3B ... you could be an ad on match.com, ever consider to do that$ ? LOL!.

I am glad that you have a happy R ...

-rh-

I did email them and let them know about our success story LOL, I got a congratulations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

no, jen

there is a very big difference in being attracted to someone because the physical attraction is strong. . I know that in my case, my now GF is much more attractive than my X, she feels just right next to me, smells nice very often, and tastes very nice. . . her hands are soft and smooth, slightly smaller, just a hair, so that we are nearly eye to eye. . .

and she can smile and laugh very well. .. nice big, wide smile. . . hey, if SF is high on the list, attractiveness usually has a small amount of influence. . .

the best advice is not to rushed, and just go out to as many places where attractive, your types hang out, and eventually, you will find someone


wiftty

So, what if you can't figure out where the other people like you hang out?

And the people who contact you on internet things sound creepy or their photos are yucky?

Do you throw in the towel and just hang out here?

That is where I used to be....though I have been seeing the Diplomat for several years now, there are people who don't know I'm seeing anyone simply because he is so far away that we have to travel to see each other.

I'm not shopping for a man. But, generally, I've been puzzled at the lack of men I've encountered to whom I felt attracted and who expressed interest in me. In all the years before I met the Diplomat, not a single friend offered to fix me up with anyone. I spent several years going to photography school part-time and the only interest men were weird as can be or gross. There has been only 1 single man about my age at church and I didn't find anything about him attractive. You name it, I did the right things.

I still can't help but wonder what's up with that.

You aren't being shallow to expect some sort of spark when you meet someone for a prearrange meeting.

I once had a blind date that I saw from a distance and thought, 'Please let that not be him!' Well, it was him. And he reminded me so much of my x it wasn't funny. Shaped like x, dressed like x, opinionated like x, attitude like x. Was a miserable afternoon. Simply miserable.

Hello my glass slippered doll,

Cindy, what region are you living in? There are ALWAYS alternatives and options.

But the sound of your post was rather cynical and full of despair.

Care to share?

Reborn

Cynical maybe...despair, nope. Perplexed, yes. Maybe that's a sign I need to work on myself. I have wondered if I exude that aura and the Diplomat is the only one to have seen through it.

Hey Jen,

Read what you wrote above again for me.....I'm waiting......all done?

OK, let's discuss.

Listen darling, you don't have to come up with any euphemism....this is a great opportunity to get rid of that crap called "Conflict Avoidance".

It just isn't healthy and this is the "NEW YOU" we are working on here right?

This is your opportunity to change what you don't like and become what you choose to be. Why keep hiding behind the masks you have constructed for yourself all these years? Burn those darn things and start fresh...use the true you...show the true Jen...

So you'll be the outspoken, take no crap Jen in public but you'll be the usual "hide when something is uncomfortable Jen" when it suits you?

Hey Jen, that isn't growing and learning....that is re-wrapping yesterdays meat with a new expiration date!

Please don't think I am being cruel or overly critical Jen...I'm not at all, what I am doing is trying to explain how the "masks" you have constructed for yourself are still in use...by masks I mean the way you react to situations, you know you are a conflict avoider...that is OK and reaaly powerful that you know that but more importantly you need to learn and recognize when you start slipping into that and putting on your mask to protect yourself.

If it sounds strange I'd be happy to elaborate on it, that is if you aren't to pissed to listen now...lol..I am a reforming "conflict avoider" so I know what I am talking about and have really made an effort to correct it.

Good Luck Lady....you are one of the good ones alright.

RebornMan

Cindy,

Perhaps..or perhaps you are projecting?

You've been around long enough to know there are no "soul mates" and no "one" that will fulfill all our needs.

You know that there are many folks that can be the "one"..that can be our object of desire.

Maybe, just maybe, you aren't ready to explore that yet? It does take time and it takes a great amount of work.

Just a thought.

I'm pretty happy as it is....just sometimes wonder what it is about me that I need to work on - besides the one issue to me that is most obvious. Just wonder what I'm not seeing.

And is the extremely long nature of my extremely long distance relationship really an effort to avoid having a man more active in my life? I ponder this but don't want to hijack this thread further.

So, back to the topic, is not being interested if they don't "look right" a sign on shallowness? Maybe. Maybe not. If you are only interested if they are as handsome as Pierce Brosnan or Catherine Zeta-Jones, maybe. If you are turned off by men who look 8 months pregnant or have mullet haircuts, probably not.

Cindy,

But is love possible with an 8months pregnant man, with a super mullet AND...heres th cinch.


He drives a 1978 Black and gold Trans Am with the big freakin bird on the hood?

Got ya thinkin' now don't I....lol

Hi Jen,

I have grown so much since before marriage. Looks used to be my #1 concern and anything after that was a bonus. I have found out, that "sometimes" the more attractive a guy is, the more you may have to worry. Or, that he is so into himself, that he doesn't quite have time for you.

Today, I'm more about, attractive would be the bonus, but really, I really would enjoy a guy that can make me laugh. I think that a person becomes more attractive by their personality.


I don't think your alone in this thought process at all.

Karona