I thougth I saw at one time a post on blended families....is there one here or was it my imagination..

How do you deal with this? I am not married, but if I ever do get married again and he has kids and I have my own kids, how do you deal with the discipline, rules, etc...

Me disciplining his kids, him mine, etc...

From what I have read it is better to not blend families, because of serveral reasons:
1) You have a bigger chance to get divorced again, and would put your kids thru ****** again.
2) Disapline is hard to keep even throught the kids(yours and his)
3) Visitations can be hard on the kids and you with one set coming as one set goes.
4) finding a house big enough fo them to all have there own rooms, becasue as kids get older they want there own, and sometimes blended families don't get along with each other.

Truely the hard facts are if you get divorce and have kids its better to wait until you get your kids raised and out of the house before you remarry.

Some blended families work well, but most never make it. Just put yourself in their shoes and think what it would be like to be them and have your parent remarry and now you have these other step brothers or sisters to deal with, along with a new parent to tell you what to do.

You could be lucky and remarry a person with no kids, and it would just be the deal for your kids and that person to deal with each other, which might be easier.

I would recommend reading this site thoroughly before even considering remarriage:
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/step/

I think I have pretty much resigned myself to not marrying again until after my kids are out of high school and at college.I have thought about all different scenarios too and I like being on my own right now.It's not complicated and my kids feel secure.I just know if I brought another man and any kids into our lives like that it would make them unhappy.Right now it's fun, just us.Of course that's not written in stone but like was mentioned,what if we did meld and things went south? It would be a heap of pain all over again.I don't know.I just think I might wait.

Hubby and I are blending families with the help of counsellor "experts".

As a couple we have developed "house rules" so that everyone is playing by the same game and is consequenced in the same way for violating them. We also have a list of "family routines" (chores) that must be completed before fun and games begings.

As for discipline, as a rule we don't parent each other's kids. Not yet. Granted, there are times when we are alone with each others kids and so some discipline must be implemented, but it isn't any different than what an aunt/uncle or teacher might do and, for the most part its a "I will tell your mom/dad about this" and then the bio parent is the enforcer.

It takes a long time to build a relationship with a step kid. We are both very much in this stage still, over three years later. My step son has been really hurt by an abscentee WW mom and so he doesn't trust women very much. That means, most importantly, I'm his buddy and that Dad's job is to parent him, not mine.

I hope this helps.


Mrs. W8ing

I am not about to wait 17 years to get remarried! I want more kids, and I don't want to be alone until I'm 45.

Ah! This idea just frightens me!

Rogue, you are in a different situation given the age of your child. With older children, they have memories of the "family" or other issues which can make integration difficult. Be thankful.

I'm looking for that special NMNK who can integrate into a family - although I believe that person is extremely rare. Stepfamilies are difficult.

Phew. Heheh. Uh, sorry to freak out there. That whole idea just scared me a bit.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope everyone finds what they're looking for.

There is a book called "The Smart Step-Family"
it's by Ron L. Deal, it's really good.

He also has a website that has some articles you could read about how to make a step-family work.

When I divorced, my youngest was 6.....I couldn't have waited 12 years either! However, I knew I could not be a good step parent, I'm just not patient with other people's children. So, I determined to not even consider dating men with children. I met and married a man with two adult children, and while it has it's ups and downs, it's slowly working out. The most difficult part has been my daughter's acceptance of a new man in her life; my sons took to him much more quickly.

It was really neat when his adult daughter sent me a Mother's Day card! Very unexpected, but nice.

Hi folks... just wandered in from GQII.

One of my co-workers said "The Brady Bunch is pure c***!". He had full custody of his kids from his first marriage (his 1st wife was more interest in bar-hopping than parenting), remarried 15 years ago, and says that things didn't start getting reasonably OK until "his" and "hers" were gone and only "theirs" were at home.

He recommends that I try very hard to remarry my ex - or stay single.

-AD

Hi all,

Mom23boys it's been a long time since I've heard from you. I hope all is well.

I had the same question and was even wondering does it ever work out? I am now divorced and have been talking to a gentleman that I have known for quite some time. He is about 13 years older than I. We have not dated but, he has been interested in me long before I even got married.
we have discussed every possible aspect of being together from marriage to my children.

He has no children and has never been married - so no drama there!!! My question is... If we were to ever marry he stated that my ex (WH) would never be able to come to our home. I can see where he's coming from to a certain degree, but does anyone else think that is rather strange???

My EXWH is a complete butt, but should the children not be able top have their father come to pick them up from the house? I know it sounds strange, but then I started thinking I have a stepson that I dearly love from my exwh's previous marriage and his mom has never come to our house to pick him up. My Husband always took him to her mother's house or hers when her husband was home.

That has worked out great for me because I have had minimal contact with her and it cut out all the drama that could possibly come up.

I don't know and feel quite confused and unsure if this would be a wise thing to do?

any comments -- anoyone????

W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Wow....what is everyone so afraid of?? You raise and discipline your step kids like you do your own. I have 2 kids, my wife has one.......the boys are the same age 10 and the other is 5. We also have one on the way *smiles*. Thankfully, we have not had a problem with our kids at all.....we all love one another and the kids know the house rules and how we handle discipline. I think it may have been more difficult if our children were older, but since my wife and I have been together for 4yrs.....our kids kind of grew up together and that has made the transition better.

We have also been told by our kids that they are happy because WE are so happy. My wife and I do not argue and the kids are happy because that is one of the things they both delt with in our prior marriages.

Not quite. You should have the same rules for everyone, but the step parent should not be disciplining their step kids in the beginning. Believe me. It can backfire big time. In the beginning, the step parent's job is to support their new spouse and develop a relationship with their new step kids. Disciplining step kids doesn't do that. Discipline from a step parent is equal to a LB. To do a Plan A on a new step child, to win their love, you need to fill their bank. Let the bio parent do the disciplining.


Mrs. W8ing

Mrs. 8wings,

How is that co-parenting thing going with your ex? To what estent do you mean by co-parenting? Is he still a ver intricate part of their lives and how does your H handle that?

W2E

You are sooooo right!!!! I guess I didnt type what I really meant.....confusing. I dont discipline my stepson, we just all have the same rules under our roof. My wife disciplines her son when he messes up, and I do the same to my children. My stepson HAS a dad, and a mother to discipline him. I guess what I meant is that WE as a family discipline the kids the same way....no favoritism.

Thanks for calling me out on that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is SOOOOO informative, thank you for sharing and posting. Does anyone have any books/websites they would recommend?

I have 2 DD's with me 99.5% of the time. They are older (past 12). My SO has a DD (middleschooler) 50% of the time. We've slowly started to let them mingle on outings and so far, so good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I do think they all just like to see us happy.

But I'm anxious about the usual "blended family" pitfalls and eager to avoid them. Any advice on how to handle when one is more lenient than the other? My SO says jokingly (perhaps) that I'm way easy with mine.

I think the lovebank/Plan A concept with a new stepchild makes great sense. Build love and trust. I know that's how I'd like my girls treated.

Again, thanks.

UpandRunning

My children were D18, S16, & D11(OMC) when their mother left us. Five years later, I married my 2nd wife, who had a S5 & D3 at the time.

How it works out depends a lot on personalities (sp?). While sometimes strained (teenagers), we somehow made it work. The only real problem is the relationship between my younger daughter and her step-mother. My step-son is a problem, but not as a result of our blended family.

We are somewhat lucky as my step-childrenn's father is a non-entity, and my 1st wife has problems of her own; therefore, there was never any visatation issues.

That was a while ago. The children are now 43, 41, 36, 26, & 24.

PS: MT3B, How are you doing?

I share custody of my kids 50/50. They spend one week with him and one week with me. We tried other schedules in the beginning (age 4 and 2), but this one worked best. The kids are now D10 and S12. They are making lots of friends in my new neighbourhood and are asking to spend more time here. XH and I are as flexible as we can be about it, while also trying not to get "played" by the kids so they get out of chores or discipline at one house by staying at the other.

My H has been very supportive of the co-parenting thing. (We have full custody of his S12.) We have occassional "group family meetings" involving all four parents/step parents and kids so we're all on the same page. We've all gone to a couple of family counselling sessions, too, to help us blend. H and XH have even taken the kids out bowling together and met alone over coffee. We don't "like" XH, but we are as friendly as we can be. We approach it as a working relationship, no different than how we are with co-workers.

When I was newly divorced and dating again, few men liked the idea of me co-parenting. Hubby's support was a definite turn on.


Mrs. W8ing

This is EXACTLY right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Allow me to elaborate on the consequences -- beyond Love Bank stuff -- of not doing it this way. If the step parent disciplines the step kid, the child or the child's bio parent can take legal action and/or involve child protective services. Even if its just a retaliatory action against the step parent to involve the authorities, its not fun and adds a lot of stress to blending. In our country (Canada) it is legal to spank your bio kid. If you spank your step kid, you can face stiff consequences. Not that I'm suggesting that "discipline" should or shouldn't include spanking -- I'm not going there -- but we have learned through our counselling that disciplining a step child is very risky from more than one angle. We hadn't really considered it and were thankful to our cousellors for warning us as we enter the rebellious years with our three kids.


Mrs. W8ing

Yahoo Group -- Stepping Blended Families


Book -- The Five Love Languages of Children

Thanks to all for posting about their experiences.

One thing that concerns me is...
Ok, make that two things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1) The ex's act as an outside influence on the household. I can use another MB poster as an example, although her case is not divorce, but "open adoption". Her family is vegetarian. When her kids visited the bio-parents, the bio-grandma was always telling them "it's cruel that they don't let you eat hamburgers". I think a key element in the success or failure of blending is the degree to which the outside parent attempts to "change the rules" in your household.

2) Now I forgot what the other concern was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh yes! It is related. If there are children in the family with different sets of parents - it is almost inevitable that they will find themselves living under different rules and expectations. The child who is under the more restrictive or demanding regimen will constantly whine to be relieved from the restrictions and requirements which exceed those imposed on others in the household. Unless both adults in the household stand firm on the standards for each particular child (which may differ amongst the children), standards will tend to fall to the lowest standard applied. This is the outside influence in action.

-AD

This is my theory of how it should be done. It is only a theory - and I see serious problems with it, as I noted above.

I think that in a blended household, there are two cases.

A) Some children in the household have other parents outside the household. I assume this is the most common case.

B) There is no interaction with outside bio-parents, who have legally yielded their parental rights so that the non-bio parent in the household is able to adopt the children, and has done so.

I think case B is rare, but should be treated more like a standard family with two co-equal parents. If the bio-parent does not want to share this equality, he/she should not agree to the adoption.

So, back to case A:

There are three issues
1) Basic safety issues.
2) Maintaining order in the household.
3) Guiding the development of the children.

I think that these issues would have to be clearly separated in the minds of all - and a strategy toward each class of situations agreed upon by ALL adults in the househould (often a probem when grandparents also live in the home).

1) Basic safety issues.
Every adult in the household - and the older children also - would have responsibility for dealing with basic safety issues - no matter what their relationship to the child. Of course, there are disagreements on this sort of thing. Grandma may say that potato chips will kill you and as a basic safety issue, she will confiscate and destroy any such thing she finds. In that case, whoever is Grandma's child will need to have a talk with Grandma - and remind her that this is not her business. Many many manipulative things are done in the name of "protection". "I was just saving him from ruining his health", she might say.

2) Maintaining order in the household.
It is reasonable to say that there should be "house rules", and that every adult in the home should have authority to enforce them - for the benefit of an orderly household for all. For example, if the rule is "no eating in the living room", then any parent in the home (and perhaps older children) should be able to enforce that rule.

3) Guiding the development of the children.
The parent in the home is the one person who has direct and natural resposibility and authority for guiding his/her children's development, possibly in coordination with another parent outside the home. He/She may delegate some of this responsibility to another while also giving that other person the authority to carry it out, but this should not be assumed.

........
Some examples :

Young Andy refuses to do his homework:
His parent should deal with this - as it is not an issue of safety or household order.

Lisa (4) starts drawing on the dining room wall:
His 10-year-old step-brother can stop him, take away the crayons and report the situation to an adult

15-year-old Doug is out in the garage grinding sulfer and charcoal: :Yikes:
Anybody and everybody can do whatever they need to do to make sure that any bomb-making activities are never attempted again.

Well, that's my theory. What do you guys think?


-AD

AD, I agree with you.

In our case, of blending families and my kids having equal time with another family, we have periodic "meetings" to establish similar house rules. Granted, some are different at our house than theirs, but the "biggies" are pretty much the same. They have also attended counselling with us a couple of times and are open to do so again whenever it would benefit the kids. I'll admit that we are lucky to have this kind of "friendly" working relationship with my XWH and his OWW.


Mrs. W8ing

Mrs 8Wings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> sorry, couldn't resist Mrs. W8ting,

I think you have an excellent (and probably rare) arrangement. I'm certain it didn't happen by accident, but only as the result of clear thinking and persistance.

I'm worrying about the following types of scenarios :

1) Suppose I marry a lady with children. And suppose she has been bringing them up well - and they are quite well behaved. Now, my almost-6-year-old daughter still thinks it's cute to crouch in the middle of the dining room table and meow, inviting me to "spray her with water" (which is how we used to keep the cat off the table). Now, it is quite concievable that this hypothetical lady would be outraged by this behaviour. (I'm not too happy about it myself, LOL).

2) I want my child to be a good scholar and expect her to do all her homework. Then, I marry someone who thinks school is no big deal - and, although her children are well behaved, they don't put much effort into their studies. DD might ask "but why do I have to read tomorrow's lesson before going to bed? Nobody does that, and you don't even make <other child's name> do that!"

3) I marry a woman who's ex-husband gives all kinds of expensive gifts to his children, so that 8-year-olds have cell phones, ipods, diamond ear-rings and also tatoos. Meanwhile, I think it's inappropriate for my child to have these things. She might say, but <other child's name> has a tatoo! I want one too!

etc.

For me, these seem like really hard problems.

-AD

That is kind of cute - unless she is sharing the table with your fine china. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Nellie2,

It is cute, but ... after the 20th time ... it's just that I wonder when she's going to stop doing that.

Anyway... these are the reasons I listen to my XW when she suggests "reconciliation". I have a lot of concerns about that too, of course.

-AD

AD,

These are very real problems, very common ones, and Hubby and I have dealt with similar ones.

The reponse to all of these is the same.

BEFORE YOU MARRY, invest in family counselling. Have a counsellor help you to agree on "house rules". Both of you will have to bend a bit, but you must be on the same page. Yes, this is more important than setting the wedding date and registering for china. Hopefully you've dated for quite some time and before you even consider engagement you know what the potential issues are. Radical Honesty and POJA definitely come into play before you walk down that aisle. If you cannot agree on house rules, you shouldn't marry.

As for what happens at Step-Parent's house, that's not for you to control; Step Parent has the right to parent the way he/she feels best.


Mrs. W8ing