I thougth I saw at one time a post on blended families....is there one here or was it my imagination..

How do you deal with this? I am not married, but if I ever do get married again and he has kids and I have my own kids, how do you deal with the discipline, rules, etc...

Me disciplining his kids, him mine, etc...

From what I have read it is better to not blend families, because of serveral reasons:
1) You have a bigger chance to get divorced again, and would put your kids thru ****** again.
2) Disapline is hard to keep even throught the kids(yours and his)
3) Visitations can be hard on the kids and you with one set coming as one set goes.
4) finding a house big enough fo them to all have there own rooms, becasue as kids get older they want there own, and sometimes blended families don't get along with each other.

Truely the hard facts are if you get divorce and have kids its better to wait until you get your kids raised and out of the house before you remarry.

Some blended families work well, but most never make it. Just put yourself in their shoes and think what it would be like to be them and have your parent remarry and now you have these other step brothers or sisters to deal with, along with a new parent to tell you what to do.

You could be lucky and remarry a person with no kids, and it would just be the deal for your kids and that person to deal with each other, which might be easier.

I would recommend reading this site thoroughly before even considering remarriage:
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/step/

I think I have pretty much resigned myself to not marrying again until after my kids are out of high school and at college.I have thought about all different scenarios too and I like being on my own right now.It's not complicated and my kids feel secure.I just know if I brought another man and any kids into our lives like that it would make them unhappy.Right now it's fun, just us.Of course that's not written in stone but like was mentioned,what if we did meld and things went south? It would be a heap of pain all over again.I don't know.I just think I might wait.

Hubby and I are blending families with the help of counsellor "experts".

As a couple we have developed "house rules" so that everyone is playing by the same game and is consequenced in the same way for violating them. We also have a list of "family routines" (chores) that must be completed before fun and games begings.

As for discipline, as a rule we don't parent each other's kids. Not yet. Granted, there are times when we are alone with each others kids and so some discipline must be implemented, but it isn't any different than what an aunt/uncle or teacher might do and, for the most part its a "I will tell your mom/dad about this" and then the bio parent is the enforcer.

It takes a long time to build a relationship with a step kid. We are both very much in this stage still, over three years later. My step son has been really hurt by an abscentee WW mom and so he doesn't trust women very much. That means, most importantly, I'm his buddy and that Dad's job is to parent him, not mine.

I hope this helps.


Mrs. W8ing

I am not about to wait 17 years to get remarried! I want more kids, and I don't want to be alone until I'm 45.

Ah! This idea just frightens me!

Rogue, you are in a different situation given the age of your child. With older children, they have memories of the "family" or other issues which can make integration difficult. Be thankful.

I'm looking for that special NMNK who can integrate into a family - although I believe that person is extremely rare. Stepfamilies are difficult.

Phew. Heheh. Uh, sorry to freak out there. That whole idea just scared me a bit.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope everyone finds what they're looking for.

There is a book called "The Smart Step-Family"
it's by Ron L. Deal, it's really good.

He also has a website that has some articles you could read about how to make a step-family work.

When I divorced, my youngest was 6.....I couldn't have waited 12 years either! However, I knew I could not be a good step parent, I'm just not patient with other people's children. So, I determined to not even consider dating men with children. I met and married a man with two adult children, and while it has it's ups and downs, it's slowly working out. The most difficult part has been my daughter's acceptance of a new man in her life; my sons took to him much more quickly.

It was really neat when his adult daughter sent me a Mother's Day card! Very unexpected, but nice.

Hi folks... just wandered in from GQII.

One of my co-workers said "The Brady Bunch is pure c***!". He had full custody of his kids from his first marriage (his 1st wife was more interest in bar-hopping than parenting), remarried 15 years ago, and says that things didn't start getting reasonably OK until "his" and "hers" were gone and only "theirs" were at home.

He recommends that I try very hard to remarry my ex - or stay single.

-AD

Hi all,

Mom23boys it's been a long time since I've heard from you. I hope all is well.

I had the same question and was even wondering does it ever work out? I am now divorced and have been talking to a gentleman that I have known for quite some time. He is about 13 years older than I. We have not dated but, he has been interested in me long before I even got married.
we have discussed every possible aspect of being together from marriage to my children.

He has no children and has never been married - so no drama there!!! My question is... If we were to ever marry he stated that my ex (WH) would never be able to come to our home. I can see where he's coming from to a certain degree, but does anyone else think that is rather strange???

My EXWH is a complete butt, but should the children not be able top have their father come to pick them up from the house? I know it sounds strange, but then I started thinking I have a stepson that I dearly love from my exwh's previous marriage and his mom has never come to our house to pick him up. My Husband always took him to her mother's house or hers when her husband was home.

That has worked out great for me because I have had minimal contact with her and it cut out all the drama that could possibly come up.

I don't know and feel quite confused and unsure if this would be a wise thing to do?

any comments -- anoyone????

W2E <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Wow....what is everyone so afraid of?? You raise and discipline your step kids like you do your own. I have 2 kids, my wife has one.......the boys are the same age 10 and the other is 5. We also have one on the way *smiles*. Thankfully, we have not had a problem with our kids at all.....we all love one another and the kids know the house rules and how we handle discipline. I think it may have been more difficult if our children were older, but since my wife and I have been together for 4yrs.....our kids kind of grew up together and that has made the transition better.

We have also been told by our kids that they are happy because WE are so happy. My wife and I do not argue and the kids are happy because that is one of the things they both delt with in our prior marriages.

Not quite. You should have the same rules for everyone, but the step parent should not be disciplining their step kids in the beginning. Believe me. It can backfire big time. In the beginning, the step parent's job is to support their new spouse and develop a relationship with their new step kids. Disciplining step kids doesn't do that. Discipline from a step parent is equal to a LB. To do a Plan A on a new step child, to win their love, you need to fill their bank. Let the bio parent do the disciplining.


Mrs. W8ing

Mrs. 8wings,

How is that co-parenting thing going with your ex? To what estent do you mean by co-parenting? Is he still a ver intricate part of their lives and how does your H handle that?

W2E

You are sooooo right!!!! I guess I didnt type what I really meant.....confusing. I dont discipline my stepson, we just all have the same rules under our roof. My wife disciplines her son when he messes up, and I do the same to my children. My stepson HAS a dad, and a mother to discipline him. I guess what I meant is that WE as a family discipline the kids the same way....no favoritism.

Thanks for calling me out on that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is SOOOOO informative, thank you for sharing and posting. Does anyone have any books/websites they would recommend?

I have 2 DD's with me 99.5% of the time. They are older (past 12). My SO has a DD (middleschooler) 50% of the time. We've slowly started to let them mingle on outings and so far, so good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I do think they all just like to see us happy.

But I'm anxious about the usual "blended family" pitfalls and eager to avoid them. Any advice on how to handle when one is more lenient than the other? My SO says jokingly (perhaps) that I'm way easy with mine.

I think the lovebank/Plan A concept with a new stepchild makes great sense. Build love and trust. I know that's how I'd like my girls treated.

Again, thanks.

UpandRunning

My children were D18, S16, & D11(OMC) when their mother left us. Five years later, I married my 2nd wife, who had a S5 & D3 at the time.

How it works out depends a lot on personalities (sp?). While sometimes strained (teenagers), we somehow made it work. The only real problem is the relationship between my younger daughter and her step-mother. My step-son is a problem, but not as a result of our blended family.

We are somewhat lucky as my step-childrenn's father is a non-entity, and my 1st wife has problems of her own; therefore, there was never any visatation issues.

That was a while ago. The children are now 43, 41, 36, 26, & 24.

PS: MT3B, How are you doing?

I share custody of my kids 50/50. They spend one week with him and one week with me. We tried other schedules in the beginning (age 4 and 2), but this one worked best. The kids are now D10 and S12. They are making lots of friends in my new neighbourhood and are asking to spend more time here. XH and I are as flexible as we can be about it, while also trying not to get "played" by the kids so they get out of chores or discipline at one house by staying at the other.

My H has been very supportive of the co-parenting thing. (We have full custody of his S12.) We have occassional "group family meetings" involving all four parents/step parents and kids so we're all on the same page. We've all gone to a couple of family counselling sessions, too, to help us blend. H and XH have even taken the kids out bowling together and met alone over coffee. We don't "like" XH, but we are as friendly as we can be. We approach it as a working relationship, no different than how we are with co-workers.

When I was newly divorced and dating again, few men liked the idea of me co-parenting. Hubby's support was a definite turn on.


Mrs. W8ing