He called briefly today..was happy to hear my voice. I briefly spoke w/him...maybe five minutes.

I called him back briefly to ask him a question tonight...

Here is what I heard...

I am gonna get back w/you on that one. I am here at the mall shopping...Train Wreck and work friend are here with me.

Me: Don't bother anymore. This is lame and stupid.

I am almost too angry to cry. I feel really dumb and ignorant right now.

I was stupid to think otherwise. he is NOT WORTH my 180.

He had to speak in CODE! code to try to hide the call. To casually say what he was doing so he wouldn't get in trouble having ME...the nice girl...the girl he dated call him back to get the answer God forbid.

I am sad...very very very sad right now.

he is an utter disappointment.

i have just deleted all contacts...home, cell, work, suv..etc. all methods by which to contact him ever again have been erased. i can remember a few of em. but I will 100 percent make it an effort to forget it.

may he and the train wreck have what they deserve...after all...if you know what you're getting at the get go...how can you expect anything different?

like my einstein quote.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different.

I am NOW APPLYING IT TO MYSELF.

I've stopped this insanity.

Damned it...thought this guy was the one. I am so ashamed of him..for him...and mostly of me.

It's ok, Peach. Sometimes you have to look at the fruit real closely to see that it is undesirable.

yea but cindy I am really down...very very down tonight.

i feel SOOO DUMB. so stupid. she was maybe there all along right?

i feel like an idiot. I LET MY GUARD DOWN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

how do I ever do this again? I don't want to.

I am worried that trust is gonna be something I will have a real problem with.

This sux....and hurts immensely.

thank you cindy.

(((Hugs))) Peachy! I know how badly you are hurting right now. You deserve to be loved by someone who is honest and can give you 100%. This will hurt for a while, but feel your pain and then let it go. Give yourself credit for getting out while you can.

The right one is out there. You will find him!

Take care and God bless!

K

I don't want to find anybody. I want to run and put my head under the covers RIGHT NOW.

I am sick to death of this. It hurts. HE WAS MY FRIEND...

friends don't do this do they? not real friends.

It's sickening. I feel lousy. Stupid and lousy.

I don't know if I can trust again.

Peachy I really feel for you. You are right, this hurts. I can totally relate having been lied too by my now XBF repeatedly. He too was a friend, and I gave him my all only to be lied to and abused. The thought of another relationship right now makes me so scared.

What we have to keep in mind is all that we have been through and overcome already. We are strong and loving women. We may be down, but we are not out.

Hang in there!

Take care and God bless!
K

Thank you still reeling...I thank you alot.

I have tried to phone one MBer BW friend of mine..she's at work through...

I never thought HE would do that...not after our history...no lies in it either...

I just want to be alone now...no dating. Nothing. I miss my ds and sooo need a hug right now. I feel horrible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey {{{ Peachy }}}} and {{{Still Reeling}}} girls don't give up on all of us because of a few bad apples.

Peachy, don't try and figure this one out. I wrote you a few days ago using the example of going to a car dealership and being offered a Chevy Cavalier and a Porsche 911 then standing there saying "well, I am not sure which one I want". As stupid as this sounds when it comes to the minds of WS or WBF or Waywards period there is no rationalizing their choices or behavior. My STBXW's OM is not even in the same country must less ballpark when compared to me, yet she is with him (even though everyone but her sees the train wreck (sorry for the use of that phrase) coming).

I refuse to spend one more day trying to figure out what is impossible to figure out. I invite both of you to do the same.

God bless you both!

Oh I want to soooo bad hope and pray...soooo bad.

But it's right there...

And thankfully physically I am 3 hours from it. That is itself a blessing.

I am going to reteach myself how to forget about the person I thought was my friend. The guy who could've been the one.

He isn't it.

He is making a pathetic attempt to become a player.

And he lost his game tonight...I'm gone forever.

I just slammed the phone down. Immediately. No chance for an answer.

Heck he couldn't call me back if he wanted tooo...SHE WAS THERE. And she hates me. I know that.

I could care less really about her.

It's the sin of omission he told me. The lie he kept from me. He didn't lie TO ME>>>he LIED FROM ME.

And I opened my heart up finally..openly 100 percent to him...we'd spend hours talking...even when we were together. Just doing fun things.

It's like I need my brain washed or something...I want to forget all the bad stuff...

I am still recovering from the lies and the horror I lived when I was a BS with darth. That has taken the most to live down.

and then? I think I finally meet somebody I can really trust...somebody who has never betrayed my trust before...somebody who lamented the day I married darth and called it the blackest day of his life? I am sickened by the mere thought of him now.

I feel used. Used and stupid. And really sad.

And all of us been there done that... So what?
Even the worst experience becomes the best one if you learn something from it. And you did!
So, you are richer than before this, right?!!

{{{{{Peachy}}}}}

So sorry to hear this... as you said, he sounded like "the one". How do we dare to trust, how do we know who is worthy of trust, how do we overcome our fear again? What do you think is the lesson here?

I know it hurts, Peachy.
Time helps everything, and the trust will be there when it is right. There are probably tons of guys out there who would love to date you, pray that God will help weed them out, be cautious, be picky and it will happen in God's perfect timing. Patience is so hard sometimes!!!!
KK

Hey Peachy...I haven't been on this forum for awhile, but I'm back a bit more now. You may recall I don't live far away. I offered to help you find a job at a hospital back when you were looking in the Atlanta area.

Anway, just wanted to say first I'm VERY sorry for all of this pain in your life. Here's a hug...{{{Peachy}}}

Then I want to say this:

1. We all tend to live our lives in patterns. We repeat ourselves over and over and...you get the idea. With this in mind, here's a very important book to read (recommended by a fellow MB about 2 yrs ago for me): Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce & Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford. I don't agree with some things she says in it because of her secularist/humanistic views, but it has been one of the clearest teachings for me about the repeat our patterns things. Also, she describes in a way I've never heard about how we unconciously negotiate our way into "deadlock" instead of Wedlock!! VERY insightful.

2. Second read is a book by Joshua Harris: "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship". I find this book teaches a value-based approach to securing a true life companion meanwhile safeguarding your heart. Here's an exerpt:

"If you're fed up with self-centered relationships that end in disillusionment, it's time to rethink romance. Finding the loving, committed relationship you want shouldn't mean throwing away your hopes, your integrity, or your heart!!!"

I hope this helps. I've read many of your stories & the repetition of pain you seem to end up in. I think you're an awesome person who deserves a whole lot better than you're getting. So at the risk of sounding Dr. Phil"ish" ... how's this been working out for ya?

Reboot Peachy!!! Control+Alt+Delete!!!!!

Wishing U the best!
High Flight

Peach, I really hope I don't offend you with what I am about to say....

You need to slow down. The way your posts read to me are that you are desperate to have someone in your life on a permanent basis and very guy you've posted about, here, you thought was "the one." It sounds like you invest WAY too many emotions before it is appropriate and, then, you are hurt when the person backs off. It could be that you are, either verbally or non-verbally, sending the signal that you want a commitment and this scares men off because its too soon in the relationship to be talking that way....That would explain XBF running back to Train Wreck - he knows she's safe from a commitment standpoint.

Just my 2 cents from what I learned from my 26 years of dating...


Regards,

BB

Whoa. He's exhibiting some really scary WS behavior. He wants you to participate in hiding your relationship with him from TW. He wants you to be OK with him spending time with HER, as if she is the legitimate girlfriend.

ICK.

I think he's testing your boundries to see if you will compromise and let him have both of you while he gets to pick which one he wants.

What exactly is going on here? Have you had any kind of heart to heart about what his intent is? Your descriptions of your conversations with him seem to cut him off before you get into what he thinks he's doing. What is his plan? To see you both?

I know we're seeing a fraction of the content -- but what I have gathered is that he discloses (or you surmise) something; then you have an emotional reaction to it and shut down the relationship; then you continue to have contact.

You can't continually tell him thats "it" for you; and then contact him again. What a disasterous message to send him!

Why don't you find out what his intentions are with TW. What is the status of their relationship? It seems like it has resumed. What is his plan for his relationship with you? Does he plan on seeing both of you?

Once you know where his head is at, then you can make your choice. Continue to see him, remain in contact and do your 180 stuff. Or truly take yourself out of the picture COMPLETELY.

But please don't give him the message that you are "done" and then go on contacting him. That's degrading for you. And that is why you are feeling used.

I'm guessing that maybe you thought he would pull his head out sooner than he seems to be doing. That after hearing your statements about losing you; he would come to his senses sooner and drop TW in a flash.
That doesn't seem to be happening.

I suspect he beleived you when you said you were done. Thats why he's still seeing her -- there was no point in not seeing her / he had already lost you.

I am strongly advising you to DECIDE what direction you want to take. And make your communications in line with that choice. Don't say one thing and do another!

So, even now, if you want to fight for him, we will help you in that direction! (I think that is what you want)
If you truly mean what you are saying about being done, then you need to stick to it.

((I'm about a month away from a big decision, and I hope you will help me with it when the time comes. I might need a similar kick in the butt!))

Peachy, I’m sorry he didn’t choose you. In some ways, the decks were stacked. She had the home field advantage and a lot of recent history, and he hadn’t been broken up with her that long. So, while he used you to get over her, or fill in, I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. He’s probably a nice guy, but not where you need him to be when it comes to emotional wisdom and caring. It’s pretty easy to fall for those people.

On another thread High Flight and Brit/Brat said very eloquently something I’ve wanted to point out. J is part of a pattern. If you want to change this pattern of heartache, there are at least two approaches you can take. The one approach is to look outward at the kinds of men you meet, and are attracted to, and question that. You might start trying to date men you normally wouldn’t. Go places you normally wouldn’t, etc.

The other approach is to look inward at yourself. Why do you attract the kind of men who blow hot and cold? What messages are you sending to men about who you are, and do they conflict with who you really are? (I think this one is important based on the description of the types of women your exs seem to go for. People generally like similar types. Maybe they thought you were one way, and when you weren’t, they moved on.) You can also examine your expectations and behavior.

I hate to see you go through the horrible down periods that follow the early intense highs. I hope you can break out of the cycle.

Lexxxy - I feel like you are saying that Peach expected him to validate her feelings about herself.

No one can make you feel used, Peach.

Don't be wishy-washy on the no contact. No one understood the 180 thing, and now I think you see why. If you don't WANT to be involved in a triangle, then you've got to be a lot stronger, and not pick up the phone when it hurts.

History shows you say one thing and do another. Would you listen this time? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

History also shows there have been a bunch of super-cool-awesome-hot-possiblytheONE guys in your not too distant past. I feel like you are expecting each of these guys in turn to live up to some fantasy standard. When they don't fit Peachy's mold of perfection, you start the games. And they are games. Are you subconsciously so afraid of ending up with another Darth that you run them off when things start to look promising?

Don't feel stupid peachy, you opened yourself up to what you felt was a good chance at a good relationship. That this man turned out to be undependable, & many other disappointing things, is not within your control.

All you can do is learn from this & know you're a good person deserving of a great relationship. You'll get it & look back at this man who is attracted to a trainwreck & be thankful it's not you in her shoes.

Peachy, that totally sucks. I'm so sorry. I can't help ya on the trust issue, since that's the same mountain in front of me. Just know that you're not alone.

Oh, I know I am going to catch flak for saying this, but it won't be the first time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

While I agree in principle with nams' comment above, I also think that it is very important to realize that we do have some control over how things progress in a relationship (or don't). While often we simply have to write off the person as a "loser" or "unworthy", the fact is that if/when a certain pattern emergres, we owe it to ourselves to look inward, and to assess if we had anything to contribute to the pattern.

I think GG has very eloquently expressed this point, so I won't repeat it. But, I think that Peachy would be remiss in simply writing off J as "just another guy who could not be trusted". I would venture to say that some of her actions contributed to this.

I recall Peachy's first post about J in beginning of May, where words like "commitment", "the one", "love", were flowing very freely, within a couple of weeks of their meeting. And many of us tried to slow her down, but the response was always the same - "people in their 30's can quickly make a determination", "we have history", "I never stopped loving him".

Now, we may never know if J really was "defective", or if in some way Peachy's approach to their relationship caused him to become what he became. All I'll say is that I suspect that it is a bit of each.

While it is always sad to break up, the only sadder thing is to simply blame the other person and not learn anything. As others have said, there has been a pattern of these quick involvements with a hot guy who is probably the one. So, I suspect that there is a combination of poor picking (is there too much emphasis on "hot" and "$$$"?) as well as poor dating behavior (moving too fast).

I hope this helps.

AGG

I find somehow your c hoice of words...such has hot and $$ rather outta line. It's not me nor who I am.

So save it. I like you but think you're rather off base now.

I have had other stuff today to deal with and know now that I am not defective...I am taking some time off from dating period. ok.

I am giving you AGG flack, because you lack tact and decency sometimes when posting to somebody like me..who's had horrific things happen to them. Learn anything? I sure have. I learned that sometimes people tell you things that simply are NOT the truth...and are not the reality.

And AGG...poor dating behavior? please. I dated somebody for several months that I had previously dated for 3.5 years and had almost married before my xh.

AGG, I agree with your statement about having control in a relationship. About how we need to look at ourselves to see if our behaviors are contributing factors in how things progress. In an overall sense peachy's behavior may have made the bf nervous about moving so quickly. But his behavior was wrong. He should have spoken to peachy if he was feeling rushed (if that's the case), he shouldn't have gone out with xgf while clearly being involved with peachy, & on.

In this very particular case with peachy's bf going out with a former gf & "forgetting to mention" it to peachy really says a lot more about him than it does about her. What ever her tendencies have been this act was his alone to control.

As to learning something...peachy will need some time & space I suspect before all that can be clear.

Peachy, I expected that you would discount most of what I said, which is fine. But I hope you notice that I am not the only one who suggested that your dating behavior may be responsible to some extent for what happened.

I do sympathize with your plight. And believe me, I have been in your shoes and know how bad it sucks, so I am not doing a "holier than thou" thing here. In fact, it is precisely because I was in similar situations (jumping in too quick only to get burned) that I thought I could offer you some advice and what I learned from it.


Fair enough. I just go by what you post, and I do see you often make comments about how hot someone who wants to date you is, and that they are either a doctor, a lawyer, etc. But you are right, I don't know that it is you, I just know what you post.


Not sure how I'm off base. You are the one who said "I think he's the one", "never was any issues with character or integrity", and "I trust him 100 percent as I know him and his character", and we were the ones telling you that it was too soon to think those thoughts. So how am I off base?


OK. I never said you were defective. I said that it may not be as simple as him being defective, but rather a byproduct of how you two interacted, including making so many serious assumptions so quickly. My point was not that you were partially defective, but that your actions may have contributed to him doing what he did. I know I have done that in some situations, when I trusted too soon and assumed too much too soon - it pushes people away.


Shrug. I can just tell you the usual stuff, this is discussion forum, be prepared to hear things that are not always in line with your thinking. But I don't agree that me saying things you don't agree with indicates a lack of decency. We may not agree, and that is fine, and I know that you are probably too hurt to analyze the situation, and I accept that. But I do hope that some day you reflect and think about this, because there is much to be learned.


That is a given. But I hope you think beyond the simple and obvious, and beyond "well he is just a liar, it's all his fault".


So? My point is that assuming that someone is "the one" after a couple of weeks, and saying that "you can meet my son once there is a commitment, hopefully by the end of summer", no matter what "history" you may have, is a very treacherous way to date. You are creating expectations that are bound to scare off almost anyone once the novelty wears off.

AGG

Oh, no doubt about that. He did her wrong.


Absolutely, he acted selfishly, immaturely, and cowardly. I totally agree.


Sigh, I know. We all need time to recover from losses, and I accept that perhaps Peachy is not ready to deal with this. And yet I still believe that we would be doing her a disservice if all jumped on the "you were an angel, he was a jerk" bandwagon. Validation is great, but so are unbiased opinions.

AGG

I am not into novelties.

And as far as the men I date? I am a professional woman...and I usually meet men that I have alot in common with. Usually they have similar/related type fields. Look at the sitch between J and The Train Wreck.

I am taking time off plain and simple.

I am not trying to scare anything or anybody off. I am firm with my expectations and will not allow my child to be hurt or get attached to any guy that I date...this woman, his xgf ....has LIVED WITH FOUR PEOPLE in the THREE YEARS her son has been alive..her son's father (who is in jail), her xlesbo lover, my now xbf, and the man she shacked up from march to 2 weeks ago. Now that's crazy!

Now...I have had a very long history with J. And was part of the reason I feel I let my guard down. When I met darth, he was from outta state. Noboby back home knew anything about him at all. And to this day, I think that was part of how he was able to get away with all the lies and pretending he was somebody else. So I naturally I guess felt safer dating people I had a prior and NOT bad history with...and when mutual friends reintroduced J and I...it was not scary to me. My bad. I know it. I should have thought that sometimes people can change...they can apparently.

And it's sad..but true. And my fault. I opened myself up for everything. For the first time really since the D. And he was as guilty as me. He was very much in the relationship as well...the only thing? The distance. And apparently it is out of sight out of mind.

I just find it so hard that somebody I knew and thought I knew well...somebody who knew me on the inside, could do such a thing.

And yea, I have faults and I embrace them. I should have second guessed myself trusting him in this.

Am gonna take some time off from this as it's hurt me very much. It has hurt me to see that his character is NOT what I thought it was. I really believed him to be the man I knew...that guy I dated for almost four years in college..whom I was dropped to and who came over to dinner and cheered me on at competitions and at one time was my best friend. He is anything but a friend now as friends do not treat a friend like this..a lie is a lie is a lie...by comission or omission.

I am going running to burn off some steam.

I am not mad or angry at anybody here and I appreciate the comments. I am taking them to heart and working on me now.

It is just devastating to have to yesterday and today...1)deal with my xh darth who has his own myriad of issues and 2)find out the truth slapping me in the face about J.

I am gonna slow up...take life reaaaaal slow...and just recoil.

I probably let my guard down and did rush too quickly...but then again, J did too.

Do you know her or you just heard from HIM all of this?

One of lessons you can learn from this is not to trust all they say about their Xs... especially if they were not over with... and you cannot know very often, not so soon anyway...

Even if she is what he said... his chosing her tells a lot of that guy... I don't really see any reason you shouldn't be happy now, that all reveiled & ended before some 'bigger stakes', your son's involvement/hurt, etc....

Also, don't predict how long thay might stay together...
People surprise us sometimes... Anyway, their life, not yours... i.e. you should be far from that considering some values of yours shown in your posts...