Oh, I know I am going to catch flak for saying this, but it won't be the first time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

While I agree in principle with nams' comment above, I also think that it is very important to realize that we do have some control over how things progress in a relationship (or don't). While often we simply have to write off the person as a "loser" or "unworthy", the fact is that if/when a certain pattern emergres, we owe it to ourselves to look inward, and to assess if we had anything to contribute to the pattern.

I think GG has very eloquently expressed this point, so I won't repeat it. But, I think that Peachy would be remiss in simply writing off J as "just another guy who could not be trusted". I would venture to say that some of her actions contributed to this.

I recall Peachy's first post about J in beginning of May, where words like "commitment", "the one", "love", were flowing very freely, within a couple of weeks of their meeting. And many of us tried to slow her down, but the response was always the same - "people in their 30's can quickly make a determination", "we have history", "I never stopped loving him".

Now, we may never know if J really was "defective", or if in some way Peachy's approach to their relationship caused him to become what he became. All I'll say is that I suspect that it is a bit of each.

While it is always sad to break up, the only sadder thing is to simply blame the other person and not learn anything. As others have said, there has been a pattern of these quick involvements with a hot guy who is probably the one. So, I suspect that there is a combination of poor picking (is there too much emphasis on "hot" and "$$$"?) as well as poor dating behavior (moving too fast).

I hope this helps.

AGG

I find somehow your c hoice of words...such has hot and $$ rather outta line. It's not me nor who I am.

So save it. I like you but think you're rather off base now.

I have had other stuff today to deal with and know now that I am not defective...I am taking some time off from dating period. ok.

I am giving you AGG flack, because you lack tact and decency sometimes when posting to somebody like me..who's had horrific things happen to them. Learn anything? I sure have. I learned that sometimes people tell you things that simply are NOT the truth...and are not the reality.

And AGG...poor dating behavior? please. I dated somebody for several months that I had previously dated for 3.5 years and had almost married before my xh.

AGG, I agree with your statement about having control in a relationship. About how we need to look at ourselves to see if our behaviors are contributing factors in how things progress. In an overall sense peachy's behavior may have made the bf nervous about moving so quickly. But his behavior was wrong. He should have spoken to peachy if he was feeling rushed (if that's the case), he shouldn't have gone out with xgf while clearly being involved with peachy, & on.

In this very particular case with peachy's bf going out with a former gf & "forgetting to mention" it to peachy really says a lot more about him than it does about her. What ever her tendencies have been this act was his alone to control.

As to learning something...peachy will need some time & space I suspect before all that can be clear.

Peachy, I expected that you would discount most of what I said, which is fine. But I hope you notice that I am not the only one who suggested that your dating behavior may be responsible to some extent for what happened.

I do sympathize with your plight. And believe me, I have been in your shoes and know how bad it sucks, so I am not doing a "holier than thou" thing here. In fact, it is precisely because I was in similar situations (jumping in too quick only to get burned) that I thought I could offer you some advice and what I learned from it.


Fair enough. I just go by what you post, and I do see you often make comments about how hot someone who wants to date you is, and that they are either a doctor, a lawyer, etc. But you are right, I don't know that it is you, I just know what you post.


Not sure how I'm off base. You are the one who said "I think he's the one", "never was any issues with character or integrity", and "I trust him 100 percent as I know him and his character", and we were the ones telling you that it was too soon to think those thoughts. So how am I off base?


OK. I never said you were defective. I said that it may not be as simple as him being defective, but rather a byproduct of how you two interacted, including making so many serious assumptions so quickly. My point was not that you were partially defective, but that your actions may have contributed to him doing what he did. I know I have done that in some situations, when I trusted too soon and assumed too much too soon - it pushes people away.


Shrug. I can just tell you the usual stuff, this is discussion forum, be prepared to hear things that are not always in line with your thinking. But I don't agree that me saying things you don't agree with indicates a lack of decency. We may not agree, and that is fine, and I know that you are probably too hurt to analyze the situation, and I accept that. But I do hope that some day you reflect and think about this, because there is much to be learned.


That is a given. But I hope you think beyond the simple and obvious, and beyond "well he is just a liar, it's all his fault".


So? My point is that assuming that someone is "the one" after a couple of weeks, and saying that "you can meet my son once there is a commitment, hopefully by the end of summer", no matter what "history" you may have, is a very treacherous way to date. You are creating expectations that are bound to scare off almost anyone once the novelty wears off.

AGG

Oh, no doubt about that. He did her wrong.


Absolutely, he acted selfishly, immaturely, and cowardly. I totally agree.


Sigh, I know. We all need time to recover from losses, and I accept that perhaps Peachy is not ready to deal with this. And yet I still believe that we would be doing her a disservice if all jumped on the "you were an angel, he was a jerk" bandwagon. Validation is great, but so are unbiased opinions.

AGG

I am not into novelties.

And as far as the men I date? I am a professional woman...and I usually meet men that I have alot in common with. Usually they have similar/related type fields. Look at the sitch between J and The Train Wreck.

I am taking time off plain and simple.

I am not trying to scare anything or anybody off. I am firm with my expectations and will not allow my child to be hurt or get attached to any guy that I date...this woman, his xgf ....has LIVED WITH FOUR PEOPLE in the THREE YEARS her son has been alive..her son's father (who is in jail), her xlesbo lover, my now xbf, and the man she shacked up from march to 2 weeks ago. Now that's crazy!

Now...I have had a very long history with J. And was part of the reason I feel I let my guard down. When I met darth, he was from outta state. Noboby back home knew anything about him at all. And to this day, I think that was part of how he was able to get away with all the lies and pretending he was somebody else. So I naturally I guess felt safer dating people I had a prior and NOT bad history with...and when mutual friends reintroduced J and I...it was not scary to me. My bad. I know it. I should have thought that sometimes people can change...they can apparently.

And it's sad..but true. And my fault. I opened myself up for everything. For the first time really since the D. And he was as guilty as me. He was very much in the relationship as well...the only thing? The distance. And apparently it is out of sight out of mind.

I just find it so hard that somebody I knew and thought I knew well...somebody who knew me on the inside, could do such a thing.

And yea, I have faults and I embrace them. I should have second guessed myself trusting him in this.

Am gonna take some time off from this as it's hurt me very much. It has hurt me to see that his character is NOT what I thought it was. I really believed him to be the man I knew...that guy I dated for almost four years in college..whom I was dropped to and who came over to dinner and cheered me on at competitions and at one time was my best friend. He is anything but a friend now as friends do not treat a friend like this..a lie is a lie is a lie...by comission or omission.

I am going running to burn off some steam.

I am not mad or angry at anybody here and I appreciate the comments. I am taking them to heart and working on me now.

It is just devastating to have to yesterday and today...1)deal with my xh darth who has his own myriad of issues and 2)find out the truth slapping me in the face about J.

I am gonna slow up...take life reaaaaal slow...and just recoil.

I probably let my guard down and did rush too quickly...but then again, J did too.

Do you know her or you just heard from HIM all of this?

One of lessons you can learn from this is not to trust all they say about their Xs... especially if they were not over with... and you cannot know very often, not so soon anyway...

Even if she is what he said... his chosing her tells a lot of that guy... I don't really see any reason you shouldn't be happy now, that all reveiled & ended before some 'bigger stakes', your son's involvement/hurt, etc....

Also, don't predict how long thay might stay together...
People surprise us sometimes... Anyway, their life, not yours... i.e. you should be far from that considering some values of yours shown in your posts...