I have a male friend. Very nice guy.

On a number of occasions I have paid him a complement either in an email or a text, and it goes without acknowledgement. I have paid him complaints in person also and they will go with a nod of the head.

I don't over give complements as to me that makes them meaningless.

I was told that guys like getting complements.

So guys what is it? Do you like getting complements or not?

Why does this friend not even acknowledge them?

Dawn

Guys help us out here tell what you think! Please!!!

Dawn

well, i am not a guy BUT i am wondering if he is just not used to receiving compliments and thus does not know how to react to them? OR maybe he just isn't comfortable getting compliments? some people, especially those who have not been complimented much, do not know how to handle them or feel strange getting them.

there's my 2cents.

mlhb

I'm a guy and I would have to say thats the case. Either that or he feels your trying to hit on him and doesnt want the advancements. It actually couldn't be sinking in either.

Depends on what the compliment is whether I like it or not. I don't necessarily perceive compliments as coming on to me anyhow. I look for certain looks, inadvertant touching more than a few times, relative tension, and a few other items in order to make any advance on a woman

I give women compliments on their hair, clothes, look, etc, just because I want them to feel special. Not necessarily because I am hitting on them.

Try being a little more sedcutively funny and see where that gets you. You know you have to spell stuff out for men anyhow

have you dated him or are you just friends?

if a woman i was interested in complemented me, i would act on it.

doesn't sound like he is interested in a relationship if he doesn't respond to emails or text messages

Thanks all!!!

It could be all of the things that you have listed, that's why I am confused!

We've been friends for a while.

We've not dated.

He is very forward with others that have hit on him and has said I am not interested thank you. I have not hit on him, I want to hear from him first that he would be interested in something more.

We flirt, not over the top type thing.People think we are dating or more.

I do not receive hugs like many of his other female friends.

We are friends, but it seems like there could be more, but we don't know how to get there or are not wanting to harm the friendship.

I am confused and frustrated, it's to the point were I am thinking is there something wrong with me and it is taking up to much of my time.


So some advice please! My thoughts and vision on this one is scewed. I am done thinking along the lines that there is anything more there and then something needles me and it's all back again the what if's.

UGH!
Dawn

Well, I'm thinking that if you are interested in him romantically, which you have not really determined here, then just say it! Ask him about what's going on...not here! You'll never figure out the mind of a man (sorry guys) so it's easier to just ask!

My friend once told me -- Fourty is freeing! I was not sure what that meant until I turned 40. I feel like saying things are easier now and more gratifying if they work out to my benefit. Good luck.

Speaking for myself, I appreciate most a compliment which doesn't seem to have any strings attached.

For example; Tom, I especially enjoyed the anecdotes you used along with your presentation this morning. They really helped with changing my attitude toward the scheduled meeting which I wasn't looking forward to attending.

Another; Ed, I found it interesting how you handled Mr. Anderson's criticism of your submitted report on the progress of the new addition to the warehouse. Instead of showing resentment, I think you enabled him to better understand your perspective by first patiently hearing him out and then explaining why you felt the way you did.

Or; That is a most handsome shirt you are wearing this morning. It catches your eye yet subtly blends with the suit and tie bringing it all together. You're certainly dressed for success today.


Sincerity is what allows me to graciously accept a compliment. And it makes it easy to say, "Thank you very much. I appreciate you're telling me that."



And, if he is available, your genuiness will be noticed and may spark an interest in getting to know more about you.

When it come to friend guys usually don't pick up on hints like that. I might as well be straight forward with him and just ask him if he interested in dating you.

just speaking from my own experience, if a female friend compliments me, its a female friend complimenting me, if you are interested in him, i would go the blunt route, that always worked best for me.

I'd like to chime in with a couple of additional thoughts... Others here might be right; his reticence is because he's just not that into you. We like to think that there's some balance and harmony in the universe. That those people we're interested in are just as interested in us. Unfortunately it's not that easy. :P

Another reason might be that he really is into you, but he's paralyzed out of fear of wrecking the friendship. Elevating a relationship from a friendship to a romance is like "going all in" in poker. It's a gamble, and failure could mean the loss of everything.

Something else to consider... Not everyone responds to compliments the same way. From my perspective, I think they're nice, but they don't do much to affect my interest in another person. I just don't feel a great deal of need to hear them, and too many can have the opposite effect. I get turned off because it feels like the other person is fishing; expecting reciprocity in like manner.

Check out the book "The Five Love Languages". People are motivated into love or interest in different ways. Compliments I can take or leave. Physical touch (like a hand on my arm), or recreational time (a simple walk through the neighborhood) are HUUUUUUUUUGE for me though.

The only way to know for sure is go out on a limb and ask him if he has any interest in an occasional coffee or lunch to get to know each other a little better. Nothing in the evening. Nothing formal. Just casual and no strings.

You'll be putting the friendship at risk, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Ok have been super busy and haven't been here for anywhere!! Got really sick too!!!!

Anyways, male friend retired from the AF yesterday, his parents are here for the shindig and all. I made a bunch of food and cookies and had him pick them up.

So yesterday he says "Mom really wants to meet you" so I introduce myself to mom. She thanked me for everything! I did this for a friend. I love to cook and he doesn't, I know this.

So at the party last night his mom asks why is it that we don't date, said that she would have to ask her son that, that we have been friends for so long 5 + years and that I don't think either of us wants to risk the friendship. I was honest. She smiled and thanked me again for the food.

So my daughter comes down to the party when she gets off work. My daughter is just kind of blunt, not sure were she gets that from but anyways. This chick is hanging all over him and he has already told me that there is nothing there. But my daughter says to him, fix that, get rid of her you are better then that, he told her that there was nothing going on and that he was waiting for a door to open, she goes what door? The door with your mom, she told him not to let it hit him, he said that he didn't want to risk the friendship and she said that she thought it would be so much more but that he would never know if he didn't knock on the door. Got to love that girl. So we will see where and what happens, I am not holding my breath, because all along I have said that if it is meant to be it will happen! It got a pretty big nudge from two different directions last night!!

Thanks, all for sharing and reading with me!!!!

Dawn

So it sounds like he's into you after all but he doesn't feel safe to step forward.

What are you going to do about that?

T/J

hey seabird, how are you??

now we just need booka to do a drive by hi :-) lol

mlhb

Seabird,

Am not sure what to do, what would you suggest?

I've been patient and waited this long!!!

Dawn

Hey Michelle. Things going well? I've got a reintro thread over in EN if you want to drop in.

day - Again, it's all a matter of safety. It sounds like he's interested, but at this stage, there is more risk than possible reward.

I don't know either of you guys well enough to tell you what you should do about that. It's really a question best left to ya'll.

Why are you holding back? That's not a leading a question. Is there something keeping you from asking him to take a step forward? Is there something besides his own hesitance making you afraid? What is your fear? And why is that your motivator?

Sea,

We live in a small area, and available men in the 40-45 age is limited, so the friend is hit on regularly, I don't want to be like that, to me it's desperate looking. So I haven't asked him because I did not want to be pushy or seem desperate!! Sounds stupid but my ex made the comment one time, "if you hadn't pursued me so hard, we wouldn't of gotten married."

The statement has always bothered me, so I will show interest in a guy and then it's his to go forward.

This weekend is crazy for him and this next week is crazy for me, so will wait and see if I get a thank you for the gift. And will go from there.

Thanks, for the encouragement!
Dawn

day - It sounds to me like your ex was merely trying to deflect responsibility. Trying to avoid owning his choice to get married. Those sorts of statements are myths. What did you do, put a gun to his head? Threaten to kill his dog unless he met you at the alter?

Puh-leeeeze! He chose to propose to you. To buy the ring. To stand in front of the minister or rabbi or judge or however you did it. Putting it off on you pressuring is a juvenile bush league wuss out IMO.

How you feel at the moment toward your friend is how you feel. It is reality. Choosing to state it aloud or not state it aloud doesn't affect this current reality.

Now, consider this... Statistics here and elsewhere show that women are far more likely to leave men, than the other way around. I forget what Harley says in the Basic Concepts... Something like 3 times as likely? I have a theory with this fact as the foundation. Please bear with me - this is a bit long...

Men get a bad rap for being commitment-phobes. The most common assumption I hear from women is that it must be because we're looking for greener grass. We don't settle down because we keep hoping someone younger/prettier/slimmer/bigger boobed comes along.

I think that supposition says more about the insecurities of women than about the rationale of men.

It's my contention that men sometimes (but not always) avoid deep commitment because after a few failed relationships, we get conditioned to being left. It makes us gun shy. I feel that women are usually much quicker to commit, and much quicker to bail out when they become unhappy or dissatisfied. As a result, some men will gravitate to mini-relationships in which very little emotional capital is put at risk. If it doesn't work out, no big deal. They can just move on to the next naive young thing. Or better yet, as soon as she begins acting a little serious, it's "Sayonara baby!". The poor girl who was thinking she'd found something special ends up feeling used (though that's a myth too), and passed over for another girl who is younger/prettier/bigger boobed, etc... The reality is that the new girl is simply "safer" because she's less committed. It's a vicious cycle.

I think that it's absurd and destructive and I try to get my male friends to see the futility in this behavior all the time. However, I am also struck by how few women seem to grasp the role their behavior plays in this dynamic.

Now, with all that said, please understand that your friend could be very reluctant to make any moves in expanding the relationship. Especially if his experience has been like most men's where his SO is likely going to leave him. In this scenario, he would lose not only you as a SO, but you as a friend. Kind of a double whammy...

So, I'll ask again... What can you do to make him feel safer?

The same goes in turn for women who are not willing to "put out" until the commitment has been made.

Sex messes up a relationship unless it is held in high regards for marriage only!

Huh? I'm sorry, I don't intend to be obtuse, but I don't understand how my comments correlate with women and sex. Can you please explain? AFAIK, no one has even brought up sex in this thread.

Sea, I've known for a long time that my x said that to get to me to rationale his behavior in going back to the HS GF. I am loud and a pushy person though in alot of areas of my life and this is one that I've just kind of decided to play lower. Hard to explain.

Friends xw left him when he came back from a deployment, sounds like she might of cheated before. I did know her. So I know there is some insecurity left from that. He has dated some since then, 3 that I know of, none that he has ever introduced me to though, after the first two break ups he has shown up back on my doorstep to tell me about it. The last break up is the chick that was still hanging all over him this weekend did not introduce me to her either though, he didn't tell me about breaking up with her, told my daughter and his buddy told me. I have not dated, in the last 7 years, hasn't been anyone that has been interested in me or wanting to jump into the family mess that I have. See my sig line. To add to that my parents live across the street from me! We do know alot of the others history and that may be a scare factor for him. I also get to collect half of my ex's retirement pay, he will retire as an E-9, the friend has to give half of his to his x and he was an E-7, there has always been some stress with that for us. I deserve mine as my ex walked out and his doesn't as she walked out!!!

My kids and grandkids all know the friend and love him, he has been around since we moved here. They talk or text constantly. He has two boys, the younger is like a son to me!! My daughter and him treat each other like siblings anyways!!

How do I make him feel more secure? I am not sure, I offered to play tour guide with his parents today, texted this morning to find our what time we could leave and I got back "I'll do it." Not asked if I would want to go along, knows that I have the grand boys on Sunday though. Asked if they wanted to do a cook out, no response. I am genuinely a giving person and do things for people just cause. He gets cookies randomly. There is a lot this week yet. Big changes in his life with this retirement and having to find a job. I will give it a little while with no pressure or presence of me. He has a motorcycle and will probably spend alot of time on it. Relaxing after the parents leave. I have only went once, was a little scared, and he asked if I trusted him and very easily I said yes, but haven't been offered another ride.

So Sea with all that what would make you feel secure?

I didn't see it as losing me as a friend if the relationship didn't work out as you said. I don't think that it would, I think we would know in a month or two if romanticly it's going to fly or not and if not we'd be able to go back to the friendship.

Anyways, my daughter and friends are watching movies and want ice cream so I said that I would make a run for it!!!

Dawn

day - I read this last night I've spent some time pondering. Is there some way that you could assure him that the friendship would remain in tact if you both decided to try for something more? Call it your fall-back position or something?

Michelle,

You will get your wish and I do have some general observations of my own.

I am 48. Re-entering the dating world is like going back to high school. It is ridiculous. Seabird and I have discussed the open and honest approach quite a bit and frankly I have never met a woman that could be open and honest from the get-go (let me qualify that to say a woman that I've actually dated as I know one woman who I've not dated that was open and honest from the get-go and you know who you are!). I'm sure they're out there, I haven't met them. Open and honest is all about good communication. when you're wondering if he likes you well enough to date and he's wondering the same about you, then good communication is not happening for either of you. Your DD seems to have a clue about the direct approach. Some guys can handle that and others can't. You might be able to judge by the strength of his personality with my thesis that the stronger the personality the more direct approach will be acceptable.

I find the majority of the women of my demographic are passive hot-house flowers. It's not your fault, nature and nurture are working against you. There is no reason that you cannot be more aggressive, more daring, and actually pursue the man or express an undeniable level of interest that he can't ignore.

When someone says that they don't want to ruin a friendship by advancing it into a romance, they're either scared and insecure or not really interested.

If you can't bring yourself to do this, bribe your DD to do it for you!

hey booka, good to "see" you dropping by!
excellent advice as always.

and i am sure that person knows who they are...

you're getting good advice girl!

mlhb

Thank you all so much for the thoughts and words of advice!!!

There are so many things that Kev and I are honest about it. I have heard how he talks about some of the women that flaunt themselves at him and didn't want to fall into that category.

I don't think that I liked him at first, besides the fact that he was married. This is something that has come over time.

About 2 years ago we were probably headed in the right direction, and then someone kind of got in the way. Again I was who he called, asked if I was going to say that I told him so, told him nope that I didn't need to!!

Anyways, when things have settled down this next week or in two weeks, my big mouth daughter is moving to ARK with my 3 grandsons and I am not handling this well and Kev knows that and knows that I am going to need my friends. I will invite him for dinner or to go bowling which is something we've done together for ever, with the invite saying so that we can talk, that I am not all sure what was said and not said, but that it's about time that we said those things to each other and not through different parties.

My thought is to ask if he feels that there might be some feelings there that we may want to explore and what we might do about those feelings if it's just there, can we go back to the friendship.

After all this time of not dating there is a guy online that I have been chatting with for awhile that has asked if we can meet, why know I ask!!!!!

So let me know what you think of my plan? Thoughts or things that I need to say!!

Dawn

Ok, haven't seen nor heard from friend this week at all. This morning I texted, "Have you seen my friend?" I got back "I think I am going back to work! I had more free time when I was working."

Then I sent "I miss my friend."

I got "Thanks for the chair. I don't know how long it was in back of the truck, couple days I'm thinking."

I sent "Your welcome friend-figured you knew who left it-2 many people!

I ended up calling him later, asked he had a minute that I needed to yell, scream and vent and I thought of him. Gee thanks he said.

My big mouth daughter did something really stupid last night and is causing alot of problems, we've always talked about kids and so talked for close to half an hour.

I am feeling ok about it all, we still need to talk, but right this moment isn't the time, told him that he knew where I was nightly and that I needed my basket back. So will broach the subject at that time, if theren't grandkids still up at that time!!

Hope all are having a good weekend.

Got to lay in bed and read a book this morning, will do normal Sunday stuff tomorrow and MOnday will go to the national cemetary and have everyone here for a cook out afterwards.

Dawn

Hmmm... I've been thinking for a while about how to respond to your original post on this thread. The ensuing messages helped see this a little more clearly (at least as much as we can "see" these things over the web).

Here is the bottom line: it sounds like you are sending "mixed messages". If a woman (with your previously expressed feelings as stated here on MB but not shared openly with your "friend") sent me the message "I miss my friend", I might interpret it far differently than it was intended.

For example, I might interpret it as yet another little "signal" that -- while we have a really special connection with each other -- you do not want to be anything more than a "friend" with me. In other words, you are trying to tell me that you just want to be "friends" and nothing more, but like so many women you are simply afraid to be really direct with me about really important emotional/relational stuff between us.

Now, you might not intend for him to receive that message, but that is one (of many) possible (mis)interpretations. These mixed messages might be one of the main reasons why he is fairly unresponsive to your compliments.

You see, over time many of us (men) learn that one strategy for staying out of trouble with the fairer sex is to say as little as poossible. This coping strategy comes about as a result of countless misinterpretations of our own clumsy past attempts at communicating desire/interest or other emotionally-charged messages.

Just be direct. No one lives forever...

Hope that helps!
LiesRedux

I get what you are saying! And yes I am chicken!!! I am working on that!!! He was here yesterday and ended up in a watergun fight with my mom and grandkids.

I have every intentions of talking with him this week and seeing where we want to go, I figure this way if we chose not to go forward with anything romantic. Then I am giving us the option of staying friends. Give me some suggestions as to what I might say that allows us both some dignity?

Someone did call while he was here yesterday, he ignored the call a couple of times and finally took it and walked out of the room. My friend heard him say I am at Dawn's, the conversation didn't last much longer. Never did say who called and then the watergun fight broke out!!

Dawn

How about saying something like this:

-------------

Hey, we've known each other for a good while now. I really enjoy our time together and always want to see that continue. Lately, it's crossed my mind that it might be possible for us to add some new dimensions to our relationship. I wanted to toss this out as an idea and see if you had any interest in exploring this with me. We could just take things one step at a time and if either one of us decided we didn't want to go any farther, we could just say "let's stop exploring and continue our present relationship." Here's a first step in this new direction: as a starting point, would you be interested in going to XYZ restaurant for a dinner this Wednesday -- just the two of us? Just dinner for now and let's see how that turns out.

-------------

The essence of this is to maintain dignity and respect for both of you while still opening the door to the possibility to something else/more. It also says that you want to keep a connection no matter what happens with these new explorations.

Hope that helps!

P.S. Be sure to help calibrate expectations on casual attire for the dinner. Don't get too formal/fancy or carried away at this point. You can work your way up to "date clothes" and sexy perfume, etc. in the future.

Lies,

Thank YOu for the suggestion!!!!

Am not sure when we will have the opportunity to talk. I have my grandkids for the next 2 weeks.

Dawn