I have a male friend. Very nice guy.

On a number of occasions I have paid him a complement either in an email or a text, and it goes without acknowledgement. I have paid him complaints in person also and they will go with a nod of the head.

I don't over give complements as to me that makes them meaningless.

I was told that guys like getting complements.

So guys what is it? Do you like getting complements or not?

Why does this friend not even acknowledge them?

Dawn

Guys help us out here tell what you think! Please!!!

Dawn

well, i am not a guy BUT i am wondering if he is just not used to receiving compliments and thus does not know how to react to them? OR maybe he just isn't comfortable getting compliments? some people, especially those who have not been complimented much, do not know how to handle them or feel strange getting them.

there's my 2cents.

mlhb

I'm a guy and I would have to say thats the case. Either that or he feels your trying to hit on him and doesnt want the advancements. It actually couldn't be sinking in either.

Depends on what the compliment is whether I like it or not. I don't necessarily perceive compliments as coming on to me anyhow. I look for certain looks, inadvertant touching more than a few times, relative tension, and a few other items in order to make any advance on a woman

I give women compliments on their hair, clothes, look, etc, just because I want them to feel special. Not necessarily because I am hitting on them.

Try being a little more sedcutively funny and see where that gets you. You know you have to spell stuff out for men anyhow

have you dated him or are you just friends?

if a woman i was interested in complemented me, i would act on it.

doesn't sound like he is interested in a relationship if he doesn't respond to emails or text messages

Thanks all!!!

It could be all of the things that you have listed, that's why I am confused!

We've been friends for a while.

We've not dated.

He is very forward with others that have hit on him and has said I am not interested thank you. I have not hit on him, I want to hear from him first that he would be interested in something more.

We flirt, not over the top type thing.People think we are dating or more.

I do not receive hugs like many of his other female friends.

We are friends, but it seems like there could be more, but we don't know how to get there or are not wanting to harm the friendship.

I am confused and frustrated, it's to the point were I am thinking is there something wrong with me and it is taking up to much of my time.


So some advice please! My thoughts and vision on this one is scewed. I am done thinking along the lines that there is anything more there and then something needles me and it's all back again the what if's.

UGH!
Dawn

Well, I'm thinking that if you are interested in him romantically, which you have not really determined here, then just say it! Ask him about what's going on...not here! You'll never figure out the mind of a man (sorry guys) so it's easier to just ask!

My friend once told me -- Fourty is freeing! I was not sure what that meant until I turned 40. I feel like saying things are easier now and more gratifying if they work out to my benefit. Good luck.

Speaking for myself, I appreciate most a compliment which doesn't seem to have any strings attached.

For example; Tom, I especially enjoyed the anecdotes you used along with your presentation this morning. They really helped with changing my attitude toward the scheduled meeting which I wasn't looking forward to attending.

Another; Ed, I found it interesting how you handled Mr. Anderson's criticism of your submitted report on the progress of the new addition to the warehouse. Instead of showing resentment, I think you enabled him to better understand your perspective by first patiently hearing him out and then explaining why you felt the way you did.

Or; That is a most handsome shirt you are wearing this morning. It catches your eye yet subtly blends with the suit and tie bringing it all together. You're certainly dressed for success today.


Sincerity is what allows me to graciously accept a compliment. And it makes it easy to say, "Thank you very much. I appreciate you're telling me that."



And, if he is available, your genuiness will be noticed and may spark an interest in getting to know more about you.

When it come to friend guys usually don't pick up on hints like that. I might as well be straight forward with him and just ask him if he interested in dating you.

just speaking from my own experience, if a female friend compliments me, its a female friend complimenting me, if you are interested in him, i would go the blunt route, that always worked best for me.

I'd like to chime in with a couple of additional thoughts... Others here might be right; his reticence is because he's just not that into you. We like to think that there's some balance and harmony in the universe. That those people we're interested in are just as interested in us. Unfortunately it's not that easy. :P

Another reason might be that he really is into you, but he's paralyzed out of fear of wrecking the friendship. Elevating a relationship from a friendship to a romance is like "going all in" in poker. It's a gamble, and failure could mean the loss of everything.

Something else to consider... Not everyone responds to compliments the same way. From my perspective, I think they're nice, but they don't do much to affect my interest in another person. I just don't feel a great deal of need to hear them, and too many can have the opposite effect. I get turned off because it feels like the other person is fishing; expecting reciprocity in like manner.

Check out the book "The Five Love Languages". People are motivated into love or interest in different ways. Compliments I can take or leave. Physical touch (like a hand on my arm), or recreational time (a simple walk through the neighborhood) are HUUUUUUUUUGE for me though.

The only way to know for sure is go out on a limb and ask him if he has any interest in an occasional coffee or lunch to get to know each other a little better. Nothing in the evening. Nothing formal. Just casual and no strings.

You'll be putting the friendship at risk, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Ok have been super busy and haven't been here for anywhere!! Got really sick too!!!!

Anyways, male friend retired from the AF yesterday, his parents are here for the shindig and all. I made a bunch of food and cookies and had him pick them up.

So yesterday he says "Mom really wants to meet you" so I introduce myself to mom. She thanked me for everything! I did this for a friend. I love to cook and he doesn't, I know this.

So at the party last night his mom asks why is it that we don't date, said that she would have to ask her son that, that we have been friends for so long 5 + years and that I don't think either of us wants to risk the friendship. I was honest. She smiled and thanked me again for the food.

So my daughter comes down to the party when she gets off work. My daughter is just kind of blunt, not sure were she gets that from but anyways. This chick is hanging all over him and he has already told me that there is nothing there. But my daughter says to him, fix that, get rid of her you are better then that, he told her that there was nothing going on and that he was waiting for a door to open, she goes what door? The door with your mom, she told him not to let it hit him, he said that he didn't want to risk the friendship and she said that she thought it would be so much more but that he would never know if he didn't knock on the door. Got to love that girl. So we will see where and what happens, I am not holding my breath, because all along I have said that if it is meant to be it will happen! It got a pretty big nudge from two different directions last night!!

Thanks, all for sharing and reading with me!!!!

Dawn

So it sounds like he's into you after all but he doesn't feel safe to step forward.

What are you going to do about that?

T/J

hey seabird, how are you??

now we just need booka to do a drive by hi :-) lol

mlhb

Seabird,

Am not sure what to do, what would you suggest?

I've been patient and waited this long!!!

Dawn

Hey Michelle. Things going well? I've got a reintro thread over in EN if you want to drop in.

day - Again, it's all a matter of safety. It sounds like he's interested, but at this stage, there is more risk than possible reward.

I don't know either of you guys well enough to tell you what you should do about that. It's really a question best left to ya'll.

Why are you holding back? That's not a leading a question. Is there something keeping you from asking him to take a step forward? Is there something besides his own hesitance making you afraid? What is your fear? And why is that your motivator?

Sea,

We live in a small area, and available men in the 40-45 age is limited, so the friend is hit on regularly, I don't want to be like that, to me it's desperate looking. So I haven't asked him because I did not want to be pushy or seem desperate!! Sounds stupid but my ex made the comment one time, "if you hadn't pursued me so hard, we wouldn't of gotten married."

The statement has always bothered me, so I will show interest in a guy and then it's his to go forward.

This weekend is crazy for him and this next week is crazy for me, so will wait and see if I get a thank you for the gift. And will go from there.

Thanks, for the encouragement!
Dawn

day - It sounds to me like your ex was merely trying to deflect responsibility. Trying to avoid owning his choice to get married. Those sorts of statements are myths. What did you do, put a gun to his head? Threaten to kill his dog unless he met you at the alter?

Puh-leeeeze! He chose to propose to you. To buy the ring. To stand in front of the minister or rabbi or judge or however you did it. Putting it off on you pressuring is a juvenile bush league wuss out IMO.

How you feel at the moment toward your friend is how you feel. It is reality. Choosing to state it aloud or not state it aloud doesn't affect this current reality.

Now, consider this... Statistics here and elsewhere show that women are far more likely to leave men, than the other way around. I forget what Harley says in the Basic Concepts... Something like 3 times as likely? I have a theory with this fact as the foundation. Please bear with me - this is a bit long...

Men get a bad rap for being commitment-phobes. The most common assumption I hear from women is that it must be because we're looking for greener grass. We don't settle down because we keep hoping someone younger/prettier/slimmer/bigger boobed comes along.

I think that supposition says more about the insecurities of women than about the rationale of men.

It's my contention that men sometimes (but not always) avoid deep commitment because after a few failed relationships, we get conditioned to being left. It makes us gun shy. I feel that women are usually much quicker to commit, and much quicker to bail out when they become unhappy or dissatisfied. As a result, some men will gravitate to mini-relationships in which very little emotional capital is put at risk. If it doesn't work out, no big deal. They can just move on to the next naive young thing. Or better yet, as soon as she begins acting a little serious, it's "Sayonara baby!". The poor girl who was thinking she'd found something special ends up feeling used (though that's a myth too), and passed over for another girl who is younger/prettier/bigger boobed, etc... The reality is that the new girl is simply "safer" because she's less committed. It's a vicious cycle.

I think that it's absurd and destructive and I try to get my male friends to see the futility in this behavior all the time. However, I am also struck by how few women seem to grasp the role their behavior plays in this dynamic.

Now, with all that said, please understand that your friend could be very reluctant to make any moves in expanding the relationship. Especially if his experience has been like most men's where his SO is likely going to leave him. In this scenario, he would lose not only you as a SO, but you as a friend. Kind of a double whammy...

So, I'll ask again... What can you do to make him feel safer?