I can�t get online as often as I like, but I hope enough of you remember me to offer some advice and encouragement.

Is it normal to pine away for one�s ex and the relationship you used to have even though they�ve hurt you?

For those who like details:
Last month I had a couple of devastating events (including financial distress). When my ex came to pick up our son (first time seeing him in 6 months) we talked for a long time, first about the financial situation (a mortgage that affects both of us) and then about random other things- his school, other little things. It felt like he was relieved to have someone he could really talk to. And for a moment, I felt like I had my best friend back. We�ve talked a bit on the phone, too, and it�s almost like old times. Someone I can totally just be myself around.

Now I am wondering if I should give him another chance. My ex is making a lot of changes I wish he would have made earlier. He says he would never have made these changes if I hadn�t left him.

When we first divorced, I was thrilled to be free of his destructive habits. My son�s behavior and confidence improved. My OWN confidence and health definitely improved. A year of counseling helped. But now the military has moved us out of state and my son has been miserable these last six months- acting out and constantly crying about missing his dad. I�ve tried to get him involved with church and other youth activities but it�s not helping.

I�ve got a lot of friends/family pulling for us to get back together. And now that I�m dating again, I�ve discovered that I just don�t *like* most guys. I genuinely *liked* my ex, and I�ve always had a spot in my heart for him. I think if these changes he is making are permanent, we might could get back together (although, I would never co-mingle our finances again).

But there�s a HUGE problem: sexual desire. I�ve never had it for my ex. Rarely had it at all in my whole life (read my thread If You Were Never Attracted to Spouse...Read This )

I was caught quite off guard last year when I started dating an old acquaintance. He was one of few men in my past that I had felt �butterflies� for (and this is why I called him up). He was still hot, fun, and had money. At first, there were no butterflies with him, but over time they returned and even became stronger: I actually developed sexual desire for him. I moved away 6 months ago, so that relationship crumbled.

It�s so rare to find someone who induces these kinds of feelings, I�m wondering if it would better for all of us (especially my son) if I would just forget about it and work on rebuilding with my ex. I don�t know why he would be happy with going back to a woman who was never attracted to him, but he appears to be interested.

Would like to know what you all think?

Run do not walk to the closest EXIT!!!!!

It is human nature to not remember pain, and I guess it's a coping mechanism. I think it would be a natural thing to feel the feelings you are feeling, I haven't read your thread from before but it your like most here it involved and A on your WH's part. You have just really started your recovery, don't go back.

Now that I've said that, I had a professor that had been married 25 years, gotten D and while I was in school he courted his EX and remarried her about 2 years after he D her. He recently passed away and the two of them had been remarried for another 25 years or so over 50 total.

What a great success story, but it is a rare one, I would think it would be essential for both of you to finish recovering from the D. Then if there is still interest start with Her needs His needs.

As a guy SF is an important part of a marriage there is a deep desire to have that connection with my spouse, and I'm typical of most males, to be in a sex starved marriage takes a commitment that I don't think most females can really appreciate. I hate to beg for sex, hate to be turned down, and hate that was the only one to ever initiate.

Before you too can go anywhere a resolution of that has to be made, I can't imagine that you can have a successful marriage if your not attracted to your H sexually. That's a time bomb for you and him. It already blew up once and it will again unless you too can find a way to fix the underlining problems.

Tick tock, tick tock

�Now I am wondering if I should give him another chance. My ex is making a lot of changes I wish he would have made earlier. He says he would never have made these changes if I hadn�t left him.�

Yes

�But now the military has moved us out of state and my son has been miserable these last six months- acting out and constantly crying about missing his dad.�

Yes and NO. Can let son visit dad more option?

�I think if these changes he is making are permanent, we might could get back together (although, I would never co-mingle our finances again).�

No. Bad signal. Needing separate finances is a bad sign. Why?

�But there�s a HUGE problem: sexual desire. I�ve never had it for my ex. Rarely had it at all in my whole life�

No. Though you have shown you can have them. Either you have unrealistic expectations, or those that you have wanted to do have not wanted you. Maybe you need help on how to develop these feelings for your ex. Until then don�t.

�I was caught quite off guard last year when I started dating an old acquaintance. He was one of few men in my past that I had felt �butterflies� for He was still hot, fun, and had money. At first, there were no butterflies with him, but over time they returned and even became stronger: I actually developed sexual desire for him.�

See above.

It�s so rare to find someone who induces these kinds of feelings, I�m wondering if it would better for all of us (especially my son) if I would just forget about it and work on rebuilding with my ex. I don�t know why he would be happy with going back to a woman who was never attracted to him, but he appears to be interested.

Call the Harley�s. Isn�t your son worth the price of one phone session?

I agree with The Road. It sounds like reuniting with your ex could be worthy of consideration but I'd caution you to go extremely slow and keep your eyes peeled for the knowing signs, whether good or bad.

I have heard two different takes on the development of sexual attraction...one is that you work on the relationship and the feelings follow. The other is that you either have it together or you don't. My recommendation would be that you learn what brings about attraction and can it really happen based on how you treat each other? My personal opinion is that it can, but it wouldn't hurt to see a therapist who has professional knowledge about it.

Keep in mind that your son doesn't need to have his hopes up and then dashed again...try to keep it at friends level until you are more certain one way or another. PLEASE call the Harleys!

One more thing...is your ex making those changes to get you back or is he doing it because they need doing? If he's doing it to get you back, I'd be wary...it could be a manipulative ploy which once he acquires what he wants, it will get dropped.

I can attest that this was true for me. There is definitely growth in pain. My changes have been deep, and will last. I can't test them out with my husband who has left, but it's true in all my other relationships.



I agree that this is what you'd have to watch out for. You can go slow, and date, and watch.

Even though my husband doesn't want to give me that chance, it's ok because I know in my heart that I have made these deep changes. And that's all that matters to me in the end.

You have a rare chance here that might be worth it.

I can't get online very often, but finally back to say thanks for the advice... I'm not going to rush into anything, especially since I can't honestly say what it would take for me to trust him again. And I'm beginning to wonder if he wasn't really interested in restoring things... almost like he just wanted to see if I would be willing for ego's sake or something.

That's wise.



What gave you that impression?

I say that because after the last talk which prompted me to write that post, I have not heard from him. Except for one time I called to see if he would talk to our son who really misses him and only hears from him every other month or so.

He did talk to our son at that time, and told me he had a lot going on in his life and really couldn't committ to contacting him more often.

If he isn't contacting your son, he is still too selfish and immature to even remotely think he's relationship material. Not to mention him not contacting you after he stated he wanted to work on things.

Yeah, I'd put any thoughts of getting back together with him out of my mind.

Why is that waywards always have to have drama and create [censored] storms?

ok, so here's a new development. Anyone who's followed my lame story knows that it's very rare that I feel attraction for anyone. Well, I met someoen who I feel it for instantly. It's almost scary, but I'm enjoying it. It's almost like the Lord is saying, see, here you were thinking of settling, but you would have missed out on this.

Not that I think this new guy is going to last, once he gets to know me and all my drama, but who knows?

Self-defeating attitude begets self-fulfilling prophecy, DaisyTheCat...

Just what I was thinking. Daisy who knows he may just be 'the one'.

Every day I look at my dh and think 'he is everything I ever wanted.'

Including AS...which honestly I didn't know would be so awesome!

Our chemistry has been perfect since the day we met. It does happen. Of course we didn't go for it JUST because of chemistry...we had MANY conversations about what we both want/need in a mate.

I think at our age, you have enough self knowledge and 'people' knowledge to know what you want and to see through the games.

I agree with Fred.

Yes, we've had some drama in our life, but most of us have learned from it. If you have learned from it, your next partner will likely benefit from that as well as yourself.

Sorry, I don't know your story DTC2, but I do know it's in the past. You can choose to create more drama in your present and future if you want, but you could also recognize the precursors, or simply not react to drama the same way when it enters your life (who's life is void of any potential drama?).

Opt

it's funny, my initial reaction was going to be to tell you all, "it's not me hating on myself... it's some of his bad habits (namely smoking) that I don't like.

But you know, even with that the honest truth is that deep down I feel like I wasn't good enough to keep my marriage together and since I'm not as racy as my peers that guys aren't going to stick around. This gets reinforced every time I go out with another guy who says he's willing to "take things slow" but then never calls again after we don't end up in the bed after two dates.

So I really need to think about why I feel like nothing would work out.

DTC2, it still sounds to me like you're kicking yourself for having boundaries.

A lot of what you wrote makes me think of "Dancing Girl" (or whatever nickname we're giving her today). I'm guessing that she has little attraction to guys these days, and has filled up her life with interests that she and her girl friends can pursue (traveling, museums, etc.). Part of it is, I think, based on the memory of her [failed] marriage of over a decade ago. Part of it is age, part of it is perhaps her own self image, and part of it may be that the guys who are attracted to her may not be her type at all.

Earlier today I was thinking about your post and thought to myself, "why is it that the only women who are attracted to me are unattractive women?" Now, while that may sound harsh and shallow, what it really means it that these women are not attractive TO ME. It is not an indictment on these women's looks, it just means that they aren't my "type."

Now you've met someone who gets your pulse rate up and your motor running. Instead of replaying the old tapes in your head, why not just see what plays out? It will be best if you proceed as if it were an empty slate and not another chapter in a history book.

Consider this using the Love Bank theory.

Your ex was good at meeting your EN for conversation. Maybe he always was. So he put some deposits in your Love Bank when you talk to him.

He isn't good at making SF deposits nor FC deposits. But you don't notice that right now because nobody is.

He isn't making any withdrawals via Love Busters right now.

So at the moment you see your Love Bank going up and say "Hmmm...I wonder if I should go back with Ex" but
you have to remember that he could not keep your Love Bank at a level where you felt in love over the long run.

Very good point!

Daisy,

being lonely isn't a reason to go back with your XH.

But, if you want to be married again, to be noticed, and to get the right guy to pay attention to you, you have to go where the right guys are, and where there are alot of right guys.

then you have to be open to meeting all kinds of guys, and going on second dates, and meeting as many as you can. the second time around, its all numbers, the more you meet, the better your chances of finding a right guy. . ..

its easy to get discouraged, but its also a bit of fun looking for the next guy, because with practice, you atually get a bit closer every time. .

wiftty

I found this to be very true in my case, I was amazed at how different (and better for me) the women whom I dated later were than the ones I dated right after my divorce. So the more you date, the better you get at honing on on the "right" type.

AGG

Thanks, everyone. I guess part of the problem is feeling so "weird." I don't a lot of "normal" things like drinking, clubs, so I guess the rejection from "normal" guys hits hard.

One thing I have going for me... I rarely go through a week without some guy approaching and asking my number. So they're attracted to the physical... it's just what's inside that trips me up (either I don't want them or they don't want me).

I will keep in mind AGG's comments about how you get better at honing in on the "right" type as you go along.

"Normal" is very subjective.

You won't meet the kind of man you want in a club, because you don't like hanging out at clubs. Your best bet is to meet men who like doing some of the same things you do. You can also try new things and broaden your experiences and meet new people.