I have been to this site before but it's been more than 5 yrs. When I was here last, I was the offended spouse. Now, I'm ashamed to admit, I'm the wayward spouse. My boyfriend & I are not married yet, but have discussed it. I have cut off all contact with the OP. But the girlfriend of the OP continues to text my boyfriend with info she has gotten from her wayward bf. I have told my bf the complete truth, made no excuses for what I did, definitely did not blame him for any of it, apologized & have started the road to recovery by doing all I can to fill up his Love Bank. When the affair was discovered, I did what I knew I should to start making things right.

My question is... should the OP's gf continue this contact with my bf? I feel we can't move any further down the road to recovery if she keeps trying to prove I'm lying because her bf won't tell her the whole truth.

You are not married.
The woman you offended can do whatever she needs to do in order to try and navigate her situation with clarity.
Who knows which liar she should believe? <~~~ See that? That's your problem.
You wedged yourself where you had no business. You became one of the two liars.

It's interesting that you did not mention how YOU have implemented your own EPs to prevent another offense.

Extraordinary precautions.

You never mentioned it, but I suspect you did not volunteer a confession on you own.

The other GF ratted you out. Didn't she?

You're not a spouse yet.

I looked at your first post as a betrayed wife.
I am shocked!
** link **

Your previous experience with cheating/betrayal concluded with a suicide and threats of more suicide !!! And you still decided cheating on your current BF was a good idea! Really? Can you please explain your thought process? I am actually very interested in how you made this choice knowing how much destruction adultery can cause.

Oh brother.......

At least take the biblical references out of your signature..

Are you actually divorced?

Oh- GREAT question !!!!

Actually, she didn't rat me out. My bf found out by other means. I have cut off all contact with OP. My bf has the passwords to all my accounts (i.e. email, phone records, facebook, etc.) I give him my phone whenever he asks for it. He regularly checks all these things. By the time my bf found out, I had already ended it with OP several months back. I am completely honest with him about everything, always let him know where I am & he can snoop as much as he likes, I actually tell him to look. I am taking EP to make sure it doesn't happen ever again.

No, I am not married & haven't been for almost 6 yrs. I guess the problem I'm having with it is when my WH did this to me, I was told then not to have contact with the OP or anyone to do with OP. That my WH should be the one to answer my questions.

I came back to this site because it helped me before even though we divorced. I am totally committed to my bf & we are planning a life together. I want to do all that is necessary to have a good marriage this time around.

What thought process allowed you to cheat, knowing that it could lead to a suicide?

I have been divorced since June 20, 2008. My ex moved to another town to take a job in December 0f 2007. That was our final separation. We had to wait 6 mths for his job to allow him to be in court.

This is actually very important.

My thought process at that time was not good. We were apart for long periods of time, maybe only seeing each other once a month, due to work & things. I have been working 2 jobs since December of 2007. We talked daily & there were things that, if I mentioned them, he just didn't want to discuss.

As I said... I am ashamed to admit that I cheated. Especially after all that happened the first time. I never got all the answers I wanted from my ex. There have been significant changes in my life in the last year that have led to wanting to make this work.

I do know how she feels. She was not living here at the time. And I say that, making no excuses for what I did.

All I want to do now is make sure it never happens again & have a better marriage than I had before.

None of this describes a thought process. If you do not understand the errant thoughts that allowed you to violate your own ethics - then you remain risky.

Try again. What were you thinking? As in:

"I was thinking that if I had sex with OM that _______ would be alright."(fill in the blanks).
"I was thinking that I deserved to have sex with OM because ______".

If you do not understand yourself, you cannot make the appropriate self correction.

You have wrong thinking. Point it out to yourself.

"Gee honey, I'm very sorry & it won't happen again." <~~~ You should not allow yourself to get away with such a frivolous response after what you went through the first time.

I don't care that you feel ashamed.
I don't care that you feel sorry.
I don't care that you apologized.
I don't care that you are not trying to make excuses.

I have a hunch about your motivation & thought process, but it is better if you come up with it on your own.

Here is a hint, written by Dr Harley.

I was thinking at the time that I just wanted to be with someone. It was never about sex. That's just the price I paid for a little companionship.

I have known both of these people since high school, so this was not a complete stranger.

And no, I did not offer an insincere apology like that. I fully expected him to end it with me & accepted that. He wants to make it work also. We have talked things over, spent many hours talking & I have done more than just apologize.

Then, why didn't you go have lunch with a girlfriend?



This is bullcrap, and you know it. If I feel like some companionship, I call my sister, or my daughter, or my friends.


Are you saying you betrayed a lifelong girlfriend?

Try again.
Why did you choose to hurt 3 people that you cared about?

No. She was not a lifelong girlfriend, just someone I went to school with. My kids have their own lives & don't have much time for me. I don't have any close friends. My friends were the wives of my ex's friends.

But on second thought... Never mind. My question won't get answered here. Being honest & looking for help, as usual, gets me nothing. But then... I screwed up this time.

I did not hurt 3 people I care about, only one. And I know he's throwing me under the bus so she won't kick him out.

It's really tempting to focus on the OM's girlfriend's behavior and avoid a deeper understanding of your own.

TAKER vs GIVER

Go read the "Buyers Renters Freeloaders" discussion. There is a link in my sig line.

That might help you understand your own decision making errors.

Best of luck to you.

I have already discussed my behavior with my bf. We have talked endlessly about what I did & why. Believe me, he is as good as you are at pointing out what I did wrong... He is willing to still be in a relationship with me & I thought that mattered, as long as I do what is necessary to make sure it doesn't happen again. Which I am...

The OM's gf finds out, I didn't tell her, 10 months after my bf does & now wants my relationship with my bf ended. All I wanted to know was how to handle it since when it happened to me 7 yrs ago, I was told not to have contact with the OP or her husband. That they would have to work out their own problems & I would have to work out mine with my ex.

I truly thought that I could find some help here. When I was on here before, I saw waywards who posted, waywards who were truly sorry & were really making the effort to make their relationships work. I didn't see them being bashed unless they made comments that made it obvious they weren't trying to do what was right.

I've spent 10 months going over my own behavior. I know exactly why I did what I did & so does my bf. We are working to make sure both our LB's are filled daily. I wasn't getting what I needed, there was a breakdown in communication that we have since fixed, now we both get what we need. Is that so wrong that I don't deserve any help at all?????

The major difference is that unless there is a legal marriage, there is not an adultery. Cheating, yes. Hurt and pain and devastation? Certainly. But not adultery.

When there is adultery in a marriage, Dr Harley recommends that the adultery be EXPOSED to everyone.

Was this done this time?

There is no legal marriage between me & my bf or the OM & his gf.

I did not expose the cheating to his gf. I left that up to him. I only confessed to my bf what I had done when asked about it. And no, I didn't tell him & I know that was wrong. We've worked through all of that. I have no desire to ruin her relationship, they need to work things through on their own.

I'm just telling you what Dr Harley advises in his SAA book.
Have you read it?
It's good.

I'm not bashing you. Just presenting facts.
When the betrayed person in a dating relationship comes to MB, he/she is usually advised NOT to marry the person who betrayed them. If the marriage is brand new (under 2 years) and the adultery starts early in the marriage, the advice is often to divorce. Long term marriages have a better chance of real recovery than do dating relationships. Just a fact.

If you and your BF decide to keep going together, I strongly advise you to adopt Dr Harley's basic concepts and work them into your daily life. Especially POJA. Without POJA, your relationship will not become a Buyer/Buyer system.

His Needs/ Her Needs would help.

*** link *** to Basic Concepts (for a refresher)

So your BF wasn't one of those you hurt? Only OM?

I have those books & info. We are doing all that now. We both want this to work.

My only problem at this point is the OM's gf. He will say anything to keep a roof over his head & she contacts my bf to tell him I'm lying about all of it. So far we are talking about it but I have no contact with either the OM or his gf & have not had for almost 2 yrs.

No. My bf is the only one I care about that I hurt. The OM has been a non-issue for me for almost 2 yrs. His gf has never really been a friend of mine, just someone I knew from school.

lostafter24,

because her bf won't tell her the whole truth.

Then for goodness sakes write out a timeline narrative of the affair for this GF so she knows the truth, it's the least you can do for this person you harmed. Please make amends. I would be very grateful if I received such an email or letter from OM.

God Bless
Gamma

I have done as you suggested & emailed her an apology as well as answers to her questions. I don't know if it will help but at least I've tried.