For 5 years my husband has contacted his ex against my wishes. His excuse-she lives with his 39 yr old alcoholic daughter. After investigating i discovered monthly contact. After he finally told her no more contact she sent another text saying her text was more important than my feelings. I left for 2 weeks and there has been no more contact between those two. Problem is 1 daughter says i am out of line and 2nd daughter sends group texts to ex, my husband & siblings, in addition to excluding me from the text. He justs wants me to ignore these group texts. Ex is still single and they consider themselves "friends" My husband refuses to do anything about these group texts about warm, fuzzy family history. Should i just tell her myself to stop? I do think the ex will rally her 2 daughters against me.

#2 i don't think the stepkids know about their parents frequent contact. Should this be treated like exposure of affair, meaning to tell our families and pastor? No parents or jobs. I am not friends or enemies of stepkids at thjis time. Should they be a part of exposure?

I read through your first thread, which died rather quickly. There is amazing help to be had on this forum, so I hope you'll keep posting.

Having read it through, it seems clear that the problem is not the ex wife, nor either of the two daughters - it is your husband.

First, he made a promise to you about "no contact", which it is obvious that he ad no intention of keeping. He must have had that level of contact with his ex before he married you, and he seems to have simply said what you wanted him to say, while carrying on just as before, and hiding this from you.

Before you told us about this recent incident with the other daughter, we told you that your husband needs to go no contact with his ex, and to have the problem daughter contact him when she needs to. I would reinforce that advice; there is no need for him to keep in contact with his ex in order to get updates on his daughter. They can speak to each other directly, even if she is an alcoholic. The other daughter could also contact you if an emergency arose. There is no need for their mother to be in contact at all. Your husband was maintaining that contact because he wanted it.

As MelodyLane said, "I would ask him to stop all contact and if he won't, then plan to separate. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you and that is where you are headed now. "

You did separate, but we don't know what conditions you required him to make in order for you to go back, and how he was able to prove that those conditions were being met. How can you be certain that there is no contact with the ex?

With this latest turn of events, the onus lies with your husband to tell his daughters that any texts, or other kinds of messages, must be sent to you both, and that he must not be included on the family group updates. Ever since he married you, he should have been treating you as his priority, and your feelings as paramount. If there is any part of his conduct with other people that you dislike, you should not have to beg for change, or go directly to those people and ask them to change, as you've suggested here.

There is no need to expose the contact between him and his ex, as if this was a quasi-affair. The behaviour is wrong because it hurts you, and for that reason alone, your husband should be eager to stop it. If you were exposing a real affair, you would get support and understanding from people like the pastor. However, it's more likely that they will see the frequent contact between two people who used to be married, who have children in common, one of whom has a chronic condition, as perfectly reasonable.I'm not sure you'd get the support of the wider community, and I don't think you need it. All you need is the support of your husband, and if he won't give this willingly and completely, then you've got a bigger problem on your hands than his ex and his daughters. You've got a husband that will put those people before you, and as you know, nobody should come before you in the marriage.

The procedure should be for you to ask him how he would feel about having his daughters contact him directly, copying you into any texts, and not bad-mouthing you in any way to him. Ask him how he would feel about putting the phone down on any conversation that describes you as "out of line", or that criticises you in any way. Ask him how he would feel about cutting contact with them unless and until their behaviour towards you changes. Tell him that these are things that you would like him to do, but be careful not to use demands when you speak to him, and don't threaten to leave. You do not want him to make those changes as the result of a demand - of fear that the consequences for him will not be pleasant if he does not comply. You are really trying to find out whether he is a man that is safe for you to have married, and to remain married to. If he is not, you can make a decision about how you want to live from today onwards.

If he won't willingly and readily do all of those things, then you need to go back to the advice that MelodyLane gave in your last thread, and separate from him. You don't have a marriage if he is allowing others to speak about you badly to him, and if he is putting his ex wife's needs above yours. And the next time you separate, it needs to be done in such a way that it can become permanent if need be. It shouldn't be seen as a two-week break; it should be treated as the potential ending of your marriage, although it is to be hoped that it won't be. If you want to reconcile, you need to see evidence of real and permanent changes in the way he treats you, and it is unlikely that you will see that within two weeks.

Did you ever write to Dr Harley? You said you would. There is no better source of advice, and it's free. If you can get your husband to talk to him on the radio show, that would have a great effect on him, but even if you can't, and if you don't want to go on the radio show yourself, Dr Harley will email with you to coach you along, for as long as you need it - free. Please write to him today.

SugarCane,
When Melody responded to my first message I believed everything she said, I also implemented everything, including email to the Harleys.

This issue has been ongoing our entire marriage. I complain, he does what he wants, thinking I just don't understand what it is like to deal with a suicidal drunk daughter. He is right, I can't really empathize.

The entire family is done with the alcoholic drama except for the enabling ex. When his daughter is on a drunk, she will not answer his calls or texts for months so he panics. I believe it is a matter of time before he slips and just feels entitled to find out what is going on.

We travel in retirement. I drove 600 miles for the separation and then it was time to visit my son near where my husband was staying. This is why I saw him and calmly told him he had to choose between us. He chose me. This was at the end of May. The activity on my June phone bill shows no texts or calls between them, we are 2,000 miles from ex so he hasn't visited. I have facebook access too. The only other thing I know I could do is to retrieve old texts he has deleted, but I already have a pattern so it seems unnecessary.

It is true that he carried his communication style with his ex from his single years into our marriage. Before we married I gave him "HEDGES: Loving Your Marriage Enough To Protect It" and insisted that we both stop all communication with former people we had dated or been married to. He agreed and I kept my promise.

I don't really think he has been physical with his ex, but both of them have expressed their friendship closeness. She compliments his appearance, asks for honey do list and he admires her. It is very unnerving to think they still have tender feelings towards each other because of their 29 year marriage and history with their family. He was divorced for 11 years before I met him.

part of my problem is that I was married the first time to a serial cheater, 8 affairs in 34 years of marriage and I called it quits because he would not do therapy. I waited 5 years before dating again and my therapist said I no longer needed his help.

HONESTY AND OPENNESS IS MY #1 NEED

I actually panic when my second husband deceives me because I went through so much the first marriage. I live in a constant state of anxiety because there are other issues with my second husband. He is controlling, bossy, and always trying to convince me that his way is better. He tells me I do a lot of things wrong, unsafe, inefficIent, etc.

My father noticed and said "he's a controller, isn't he?". This is from a father who would never try to control other people. One of my husband's friends asked him why he needed to intimidate people (he does this a lot if he feels slighted). I get really embarrassed when he gets belligerent towards employees in a restaurant or store.

The main reason we started looking at marriage builders is because of sex. Sex in my first marriage was very fulfilling and my #2 need. Sex in this second marriage has been a total failure. It has caused me to develop a sexual aversion to my second husband. Dr. Harley writes about steps to change this aversion, and all I can think is that it won't do me any good to spend a lot of time trying to "fix me" through extinguishing negative feelings if his behavior and technique do not change.

I really hoped that we could come to enthusiastic agreement with the ex and then work on the other issues. So there is a lot more to my marriage conflict than just contact with the ex. And I am not easy to live with either. I am disrespectful and have angry outbursts. I am one of those people like Joyce who has a tendency to react quickly and feel flooded with emotion. Just a reason, not an excuse. I have listened to many hours of the radio archives as we travel.

Today things escalated because he got his way again even though I told him that we should do nothing about a decision until we had enthusiastic agreement. At least now I can put labels on what is happening.

I really respect people who make the effort to turn around their marriages. I am 64 and worried about the effects of this stress on my health. It actually seems easier and healthier to bail than spend my golden years hoping for change. Not a healthy attitude but an honest one.

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips to work on your AOs? Anger Management 101

You've told us a lot more about your marriage, but you haven't commented on the recommendation to put your wishes to your husband, without threatening or making demands, and then to separate. Are you willing to do this?

You need to make plans if you are going to separate. Where will you live, on a long-term basis - or will you ask him to leave? I see you've been travelling in your motorhome for a long time; do you intend to maintain that lifestyle when you are alone?

Did Dr Harley reply to you? What did he say?

Brenda?

Thanks, I just downloaded all 4 clips.

Sugar Cane,
To answer your questions.

You've told us a lot more about your marriage, but you haven't commented on the recommendation to put your wishes to your husband, without threatening or making demands, and then to separate. Are you willing to do this?

I made myself clear about the exwife communication, he agreed and I am not seeing any more texts or calls except the group one from his daughter. For me a separation is easy to do both physically and emotionally. I am going to really work on these anger management clips and get myself into a better place emotionally.

You need to make plans if you are going to separate. Where will you live, on a long-term basis - or will you ask him to leave? I see you've been travelling in your motorhome for a long time; do you intend to maintain that lifestyle when you are alone?


I am fortunate that I have planned ahead and have my choice of 2 apartments I could go to. I saw us spiraling down and set up these options. I can be at either place as long as I want. We also have 2 motorhomes and 3 cars. If we divorce I would continue to fulltime rv.

Did Dr Harley reply to you? What did he say?

He has not replied. With all the emails he gets, I don't know how he'd ever get to everyone. I think I am getting good advice here. I have the radio archive membership and have downloaded many of the radio programs to listen to them as much as possible. He gives so much good advice.

Melody,
Yes Melody this is brenda777 that you replied to about a month ago. I did what you told me and I appreciate your help.

Are you going to talk to your husband about his daughters?

SugarCane,
He said he wanted to contact his daughters.

Is he going to stop contacting his XW?

BrainHurts,
According to my extraordinary precautions, he has not had communication for the month of June. he has promised not to contact her ever again, but under stress, he may very well break that promise.

Do you have spyware on his deavices to know if he does or not?

Need ideas.

We are volunteering in a remote location. There are no movie theatres (not even a redbox), no bowling, etc. I have a problem walking so hiking is out and I have an infection that would make swimming in a lake dangerous for me. Internet is limited and sketchy. One big limitation is we work here 7 days a week so we can't just take off for a few days or drive a couple hundred miles for an event. At 5:00 we are done, eat and then wonder what we can do. We have been for 2 country drives close by. The only thing my husband saw he'd like to do is a bar and I don't drink alcohol. I also feel uncomfortable hanging around mostly men drinking after work. Husband understands this. Our time here ends Aug 19.

Maybe someone here has some good ideas until we return to cities?

Nobody knows what you might enjoy but here are some things we have done recently;

Learn to play croquet using dvds and play the game in the evenings.

Explore and discuss holiday ideas using maps and books.

Read and then discuss some interesting literature, last lot was English Romantics. Before that we had a great time with a specific economic history book.

Discuss current affairs. Our views are very different!

We are rural low-tech too. We're not heavy readers & find that any in-depth discussion of news/books/movies causes polarity/distance between us, so we fare better when we keep it light... we play cards often (Pitch, Cribbage, etc), on porch, in livingroom, even sitting up in bed. Jigsaw puzzles are relaxing & allow for talk time. Board games are fun, especially if you look for ones you remember playing earlier in life. "Risk" is a fav for us, who doesn't love total world domination? haha (We borrow free puzzles & board games from our town library.) If you don't have access there, think of games you can "make", like Checkers where you draw the board yourself & pennies are red, nickles are black? Cornhole is a fav lawn game.

Other ideas:
Trade back/shoulder/foot/hand massage time?
A simple craft kit you can do together, like assembly of a model... lots of choices: famous buildings, war planes, clipper ships or vintage cars? Build & paint a kit birdhouse or feeder?
You can mail-order these items, if you can get internet service long enough.

Combined threads, please stick to your thread.

Does anyone just not care? When we are making plans for undivided attention 15 hours a week i do not feel enthusiastic regardless what we plan. We then decide to do it anyway because we don't know what else to do.

No wonder it fails and i care even less. It has been a very long and stressful 5 years with him. I am always stressed and i don't know how to deal with this.

Do you have spyware on his devices?

No spyware. His cobtact was talk & text that i can see on my phone bill.

Have you thought about writing Dr. Harley?

I already wrote Dr. Harley at least a month ago. No reply, but I imagine he gets many requests.

Try emailing again, sometimes emails go to their spam. Also, hit Notify and let the MODS know and they can pass it on to Dr. Harley.

Just wanted to say goodbye and thanks for the help people tried to give me. I will be moving to the divorce forum. Here are a few things I learned. I really believed that Dr Harley�s overall marriage philosophy was a good one. My husband had some agreement with Dr. Harley but critical at the same time I remember we took the time to fill out Dr. Harleys workbook about needs and love busters a year after our marriage in 2012. I wanted to get someone to keep us accountable but he didn�t. All the time we spent in the workbook was not applied. I continued to listen and read, but my husband was critical of Dr. Harley so I wasn�t allowed to share. I really believed that we could come to just a few POJAs that could turn things around. Without his cooperation, our marriage was doomed but we stayed married for another 5 years.

We both had a one particular need we clearly expressed to each other before marriage. We sincerely thought we could meet each other�s need, but we weren�t aware of the challenges that we�d face in our attempts to meet that one need. Without making pojas to meet the other�s need, the hurt grew and grew until it was no longer tolerable.

I also learned that as a woman I am more sensitive to his annoying habits and his controlling nature to get me to do what he wants. I tried to tell myself that I was the one who needed to accept him as he was. I also realized that I was married to a very anxious man who tries to alleviate his anxiety through anger, control and intimidation. These outbursts were not limited to me, but to his family, my family, church, friends, and customer service workers. I had never seen anything like it and didn�t know what to do. I took much of this inward and was sick and in pain most of the marriage. Since he has moved on, there is a new calm over my body and I am not sick anymore.

In the beginning I think both of us thought we had found the perfect mate because so many of our desires in life were the same When I told him no opposite sex friends, I meant every word. He was to forsake ALL others. We did make a poja, and he agreed on no contact between him and his exwife unless it was an emergency. I trusted him to honor the poja but they could not stop reaching out to each other to get their anxieties soothed when their 40 year old alcoholic daughter acted out again. After 4.5 years I discovered that he felt his secret relationship with his exwife was justified. He had decided from the beginning that he would get what he wanted and just deceive me. I was completely unsuspecting until about 4.5 years of marriage. When I learned the truth, I was flooded with emotion and separated for 10 days. At that point he promised to stop, but he lied again. His need to have his exwife soothe his anxiety trumped being truthful to me.

I also failed to meet his main need because it was very emotionally and physically negative for me. I spent most of the marriage trying to find a way to reframe the negative feelings I felt and satisfy his need. He never seemed to understand how his actions made it really hard for me to enjoy and meet his need. There was no poja made because he felt it was my problem and I needed to solve it so his need was met. He didn�t have any desire to invest time to find a solution to my problem. So I fell into extreme discouragement and began to believe that I would never enjoy meeting his need. After 5 years I developed an aversion to sex and stopped trying.

Making the decision to expect our needs to be met without an enthusiastic joint poja meant marriage disaster. I saw our conflict as OUR conflict, and I knew the solution had to be OUR solution. He felt I just needed to do things his way, that the problem was me. He told me that I just needed to understand his need to talk to his ex and that I just needed to meet his need even if it was negative for me. When I realized the double standard and his belief the fault was all mine and only I needed to change, I filed for divorce. It has been a very long 6 years with a man who refused to change his marriage philosophy. I wish you all well.

Hi Brenda, thanks for the update. I am sorry to hear your husband never got on board and completely understand your decision. Have you already filed for divorce?

Melody,
My divorce was final last November. Life is calm now and I am trying to regroup and plan for the future.

Brenda

Just wanted some advice because things have changed. As I said in February, I divorced my husband Nov 2018. He wanted to continue living with me for financial reasons and I was so depressed, I caved but we lived as roommates. My only rule was that if he decided to turn on his radar and date, he had to move out first. Well....January 27 I am checking his phone bill and discover he and another person have texted 355 times and talked for 12 hours on his phone. I do a reverse lookup and as expected he has a girlfriend and hasn't said a word to me for the past 3 weeks.(he did not know her until after the divorce) I kicked him out, tell him to get his own phone account and I close a credit card that has my name on it. He was mad because I had strained his finances. I tell him that girlfriends are expensive. lol

Anyway, I spent a peaceful couple of weeks making my vision book, taking care of my health, and spending a lot of time spiritually which brought me out of my depression. Then I had a strong impression that I should ask him if he wanted to reconcile. I mentioned it to him, but he said nothing. Later he told me that he asked 10 friends what he should do, create a sex relationship with new girlfriend or reconcile with me. They all said to reconcile since I was willing to consider it. Slowly we moved that direction, he started asking around about her and discovered some very disturbing things about her past. We made a list of "things that must change" in our relationship and decided to try to reconcile.I worked very hard to change my behavior to satisfy 3 needs of his. It has been a roller coaster ride, very emotional, scary for both of us, so many doubts, hurts surfaced and triggered us, and now we both had to deal with the fallout of his girlfriend.

He decided to break up with her by exchanging possessions they had of each other, but they continued to text, call, email and found reasons to see each other. Most of the time I was not aware of what he was doing with her. I was forbidden to see his phone or know he had been there. He was an emotional wreck trying to find a way to keep both of us in his life. he wanted to keep her as a "friend" which was totally unacceptable to me. We had predictable triggering and meltdowns trying to reestablish our relationship while he was trying to let go of her. I was struggling to accept that these things just take time and I couldn't control 2 adults or force him to be honest.

So we had the biggest fight of our life and he verbally abused me with the most hateful thing he has ever said, then he told me he was moving out. That was 12 days ago. I was so angry I sent his girlfriend a text for the first time telling her how awful he was to treat me this way and reveal things about her to me. What she didn't know is that he came back the same day and we have not had another fight since then. Anyway, tonight she sends a group text basically getting even with both of us. Letting each of us know she wanted no more contact with either of us and she had a new boyfriend!

This is all good for me to hear and it has deflated most of the "infatuation" he felt for her. She was very straightforward and I believe she has taken a lot of time to decide what to say to us to end the triangle mess. But she did write some things that were meant to hurt both me and him. When he called to say that she had sent a group text, he was really worried how I would react. of course, when I read it I was feeling very strong emotion, but slowly realized this would draw him to me. She had been involved with her new boyfriend for the past 2 months out of the total 4 my ex had been communicating with her. That should be enough to end his relationship with her. Just knowing she was leading him on at the same time she was sleeping with someone else scared him about what else she was capable of.

Anyway, this has been a very crazy month so far, but we are making summer plans to travel for 3 months. It will be so good to know he won't attempt to see her this summer. And this past weekend he had already deleted her 1500 texts on his phone, he was deleting pictures and throwing away stuff he found. He also is deleting her phone number. I spent a lot of time on Harley's materials and this forum before I divorced him. I am just hoping we can apply what we already know and put our marriage back together.
Brenda

Have you put EPs in your relationship? Will he change his phone number and all other communication he used with her, so she can’t communicate with him?

Brenda, just know that nothing you have done here would have been recommended by Marriage Builders. Nothing. This is not a marriage at all cost program and that is what has happened here. Your husband <? boyfriend> used you while he carried on his affair for quite some time. The only reason it ended it because she dumped him. It's only a matter of time until he finds a new sexual relationship or gets the old one back.


This should tell you that this is a bad situation. Why else would he "forbid" you to see his phone? I suspect he is only in the relationship for financial support. He is not serious about your relationship other than what he can get out of you. I am sorry to be so blunt but I assure you this is headed for a very bad place. You are being used...

one of my conditions for a total reconciliation is that he make his phone totally transparent to me. I can see all emails, texts and phone calls. I am also going to insist he block her. He is already resistant to total transparency so I doubt he will change his number.

Aren't you already reconciled? You wrote:



Right. Because he is only there for one reason, to be supported. This right here should tell you how "serious" he is. He is NOT. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. This is not the attitude of someone who is serious.

Your boyfriend [then husband] had an affair and you divorced him. He has not taken one single step towards recovery, and likely won't,

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Also, what about the subject that this thread original started with - the way he treated his ex wife and daughters as more important that you? Has that stopped?

Melody,
I know why it seems that way to you. I couldn't possibly include all the information.

First Issue: First we were married for 6.5 years and he never cheated. he didn't want the divorce and it was very devastating to him. Sometimes divorced people do live together for children or finances, so I gave it a trial period. A few months after our divorce he met a woman who was nice to him and she filled his pain with some happiness and attention. Yes he had an emotional attachment to her, but they did not have sex. I had divorced him and he had every right to date again.

Second issue: I read a lot of online reconciliation advice and all of them said it takes patience and time for people to break off emotional or physical relationships. And it would take time to rebuild an improved new marriage. So I also wanted Harley's advice and I went to marriage builders and read an article he wrote wrote about divorced partners remarrying.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/should-i-remarry-my-ex-spouse-1.htmpartners

Third issue: the first time I contacted this forum was after discovering he disregarded our poja concerning contact with his ex wife. At about the 5 year mark, i discovered he had secretly been texting, emailing and calling her. This situation has changed. This past month I have talked extensively to his ex wife who surprisingly is very nice. I told her how devastating it was to me to see her and my husband keep a secret communication for 5 years. She was shocked he deleted their texts because there wasn't anything in them that would indicate an affair was going on. She also understood why I would be very suspicious. We have shared our experiences and everything in me makes me believe she has no interest in him at all.They divorced in 2001 and have never reconnected emotionally or physically. My main problem was the deceit he used to keep in contact with her. She also completely understands my frustrations about him. So that issue has been laid to rest. She and I are going to continue to meet and be friends.

Fourth issue is he had made steps to end the relationship with his girlfriend before she dumped him last night. To break these emotional ties usually doesn't happen in one day. It took many days of talking and texting to build the emotional attachment and it will take time to break it. He took these steps early on: First he confronted her about lies she had told him, he began to distrust her, then she tried to explain away her inconsistencies, then he went to a third party to get the truth about her, then he really knew she was lying. At this point he trusted me more than her.

2 weeks later they would exchange possessions and become "friends" and continue communicating even though he was with me. I knew he would need more time to wean himself from her emotionally. I just needed to be the friend he needed to talk to, no matter the subject. I will tell you it was the hardest thing to do: to listen to him explain their relationship to me, but since he slowly released these in our conversations, more trust was built between us.

Then the next 5 weeks would also be very hard and trying. he tells her we are together, He asks when she is returning from Portugal, in anger I tell her he plans to dump her when she comes back from Portugal. At that point she quits all communication with him about May 15. He felt her silence was the end of their communication so he deleted her texts and pictures and starts throwing away any momentos. This was all incredibly encouraging to me. He was headed in the right direction although not quite there yet.

Last night she has the last word by sending the group text, revealing a few things she knew would bother both of us, but said she didn't want any future contact with him because she had a new boyfriend.

Bottom line he never had an affair while I was married to him. He never had sex with anyone after our divorce. He was devastated about the divorce and wants to reconcile with me. Her announcement of having a boyfriend while dating him was the final thing he needed to sever his feelings for her.

BUT you might be right Melody. He may be using me. I am taking things slow, going to work on transparency and honesty. No more broken POJAs and deceitful "stay out of trouble liar" . For some reason his ex wife and I believe he will grant me transparency and honesty over time, but it isn't something I can just demand and get immediately. We made major missteps from the beginning and now we just need to learn how to make corrections and commit to change.

Thanks for your advice
Brenda

Brenda, I need to keep in mind that you are not married and since that is the case the same rules would not apply as in a marriage. When there is an affair in a marriage, the affair is not allowed to drag on [taking time to "wean off emotionally" nononono] and the extraordinary precautions are adopted immediately or there is no reconciliation. Women are advised to separate in 3 weeks if those demands are not met. But in your case, your boyfriend was a free agent so those rules do not apply.

It's too bad the ex-wife deleted all the texts so you could see if she is telling the truth. Even so, I wish you the best.

Looks like semantics are confusing things. Perhaps I am not using the right word. For me being together to work out things is working towards reconciliation. I really don't know if we can make this work so we may never reconcile in a permanent way. After all we have been through, it is going to take time to heal and build a NEW marriage which means we are reconciled.

Is there a better word I could use for this process we are in?.