I think I'm done with my husband and our struggling marriage; there are no children, very little assets, and I don't know how to go through with the common law divorce - must contact the attorney tomorrow. Even my MIL isn't discouraging me from separating.

There has been no infidelity on either part - I know for sure on my part, and I'm relatively certain on his part (full disclosure between us, phone, checking, credit, internet, etc...). I just don't think we're fixable, no matter what.

I came here and I've tried to apply the MB principles; even before coming I tried to be the best wife to him I could be. Two and a half years ago he took a job traveling 5 days a week; it caused me intense stress at the time and I cried and begged him not to take it. But, it was the only job he could find, and he promised it was temporary. He's still at the job and this week had a very severe medical emergency, 300 miles away from me, with me scrambling to fly into a blizzard to bring him home.

It's also -

1 - His fast car when I have no car (we junked mine to make a down payment on his new car, and the remaining 2nd car needs several thousand dollars of work). I make half the car payment every month. I resent the car more everyday for some reason. It's such an impractical car, but it's what he wanted.

2 - He staunchly refuses to combine our finances. Period. Until I make more money; He makes fun of me/puts me down for not having any money - but I'm contributing cash to him (car, car insurance, and phone - for a while I had the second car, but haven't in several weeks) and I carry all of our health insurance. I contribute over $500 to him monthly - over a quarter of my income.

3 - He's not meeting my emotional needs and isn't interested in changing. I've asked, I've begged, I've signed us up for the Love Languages classes, I've tried to get him to do counseling. Something. Anything. He did get me roses for my birthday, but I feel neglected and used.

4 - I feel like our ideals of marriage are too different and I don't feel like we can ever reconcile our relationship to be something we can both appreciate. The POJA is too much for him to bother with, he won't go for it. And the combining, or not combining, finances is just eating at me. Along with his job, his lifestyle, and my lifestyle, and I don't know what other options I have.

Hi,
Since I am new I don't feel qualified to give advice but just wanted to say I emphathize with what you're going through. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but don't know what that is. I do think that finances should be combined, and you need a dependable car. That is far more important than him 'wanting' a sportscar.

I think I am done too. I feel the same way as what you said "I feel neglected and used" too. My H works out of town and leaves me alone all week with all the responsibilities.

Best wishes, and I hope someone will answer you soon with constructive ideas how to cope and what to do.

Thank you. I really hit this point when I was in a panic about how to get to him in KY with me not having a car, him being sick, his family would help financially, but wouldn't physically help, and my family wouldn't help. It's me or the job right now, and knowing him, I know he'll choose his job.

I feel kind of bad for venting to my MIL Monday, but I'd been up all night with the ER, his job, his coworkers, and said somethings to her about how unhappy I was. She'll probably call and tell him, but oh well, it's done. His dad traveled like this and he saw what it did to his parents and how he as a kid resented it, why can't he see what it does to me?

(car issues aside, we're buying me something in January)

Have you tried calling the Harleys?

I don't have the money for it right now. He won't go to counseling, either. With any counselor, for any reason. According to him he has no problems and all our problems are mine.

I hate his job, I hate being alone 4 nights a week. I am perfectly capable of caring for myself, but I hate being alone. I need the conversation, the time with him, and he won't admit that I am *not* the woman you leave at home 208 days a year and me be happy. I am not his mom, who's a recluse/loner or his sister who's a reclusive witch.

Could the Harley's help us if he won't work at it?

I think I would have said "I cannot get you, I don't have a car. Can you call your work and ask them to get you home since you were in KY due to work?"

Let work take care of it.

The supervisors and HR people didn't respond Monday morning, he was 300 miles away, in severe pain, incoherent, the painkillers they gave him first weren't working, and I couldn't do *anything*. He had a kidney stone and having suffered through those, he couldn't function and care for himself.

I guess I went into this with a plan of having a helpmate, a friend, a companion, and a lover - with him gone so much I feel very disconnected and lonely - and frustrated when I can't take care of him!

Hopeful - just wanted to let you know I read through your posts. I admire your commitment and your desire to make things better... and your willingness to ACT on that desire. I also think your feelings are very valid. If I were in your position, I would want more too.

In Nov you said your H was committed to MB for 60 days. What happened?

This may feel like generic advice - but to experience something in your marriage you currently are not experiencing you need to DO something you are not currently doing.

Simple concept, difficult application.

What are you going to DO differently that you are not doing now?

You can control only one part of this relationship, yours. It is important to remember what you have control of and what you do not� and to let go of what you cannot control (your husband�s behavior.)

Here are some options I think you have.

1) Leave and try to create the relationship you crave with someone else
2) Continue to work towards your goals/desires/needs in your current relationship
3) Give up, continue to exist at your current level of dissatisfaction

The fact that you are here and based on what you have shared so far it seems you are still committed to #2. The question is what to do.

HopefulNC � there are many many things you haven�t done yet. In fact, some might consider everything have done up until now to be a waste of time and effort. Most efforts at marriage building and counseling do not work. You need something that does. Harley claims his system works and he claims to have data to support it.

Here is what I think Harley would recommend to someone in your situation.

1) *Completely stop all LoveBusters towards your husband.* It sounds like you guys abuse each other quite regularly. Cease and desist. Get and read the book LoveBusters � do this first. You will make no progress building your account in your husband�s bank until you stop making withdrawals.

2) Take a masters course in understanding and meeting your husband�s emotional needs. Don�t disparage them as you seem to have done here. If his top need is domestic support, become domestic super woman. Imagine domestic support is his sex � he feels about domestic support the way you do about conversation, affection and sex. Treat his needs with the same dignity and respect as you do your own needs. Learn and meet his #2 top need as well. Maybe financial support? Sounds like it.

3)Set a time line � but do not share this with him. Say to yourself

Tell us how things are going. Specifically I mean come back and report your plan. We�ll proof it and tell you if it passes muster. Then report your progress. We will coach you.

So� simplified to do list.
1)Identify your LoveBusters � tell us what they are.
a.If you don�t know what I�m talking about let me know. Make sure to buy and read LoveBusters ASAP.

2)Completely (COMPLETELY) eliminate your LoveBusters.
a.Report to us, daily if needed how you are doing. When I was doing this I kept my own �incident report�

3)Identify your husband�s top two emotional needs
a.Tell us what you think they are

4)Embrace them wholeheartedly (but not to the point of discomfort. Nothing you do should be unpleasant.)
a.Tell us what you�ve done to meet them this week and how it went.

Good luck. Some people can do marriage building like you are trying to do it, at home, no counselor, spouse not engaged, just your will power and intellect. It can be done. There are many such success stories here. Maybe you are one of them in the making. =)

There are some great coaches on this site. Come back and let them help you.

BWS

BWS, excellent post with great advice! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Though I'm not sure Marriage Builders will apply to my situation, I am going to get the book mentioned and His Needs, Her Needs to read and see if it can apply.

Hopeful - A few other thoughts i had about your situation.

Was your husband ever in love with you? What are you doing differently now causing him not to be in love with you? You don't need to answer. Rhetorical question.

The reason your husband doesn't care about meeting your needs is because he is not in love with you. Your goal is NOT to change your husband's behavior. Impossible. Your goal is to change his feelings towards you by changing YOUR behavior. And your behavior is completely under your control.

Recognize that my post above has nothing to do with your husband at all. This is all about you creating the environment where he will be motivated to change. right now he has no personal motivation besides the occasional guilt trip.

Keep your mind open to the possibility him having an affair. If there is one, you will make little progress until the drug of it is removed. but don't be distracted from your primary mission - getting your husband to fall back in love with you such that he is super motivated to GIVE back to your marriage instead of take.

I am replying from work, so if I miss something or sound spacy let me know and I'll clarify. I work in an inbound call center, so I'm doing this between calls.


Maybe I'm expecting too many changes, too quick?


Yes, it is.


I'm going to order the book tomorrow from the site - bought it on Ebay and it hasn't arrived yet. He and I went through the LB questionarre last month and he says I am guilty of SD, DJ, IB, and sometimes DH.

He feels like when I say "I Want X" that I'm making selfish demands - I feel like I'm asking him to do something. I guess it's how I say it that's making the difference.

I am very independent by nature, and with him out of town most of the time I have a tendency to just make decisions for 'us'. Sometimes these are things with his family (i.e. committing us to go to his neice's B-day party or buying tickets to something for us). He wants us to make these decisions together. And, when I think about it, he's right, and I've had issues with him committing he/us to things before. I

And, I am the queen of the southern little white lie. I also grew up the daughter of very protective, religous parents and I lied to protect myself for many, many years. So, I do have a habit of being less than truthful with many people. I try to be 100% honest with hubby, but he doubts that I am honest with him.

And, the DJ. I am guilty of that, too.


His top needs are RC, H&O, DS, FS, and FC. With H&O and FC as the top two.

My top needs are SF, Affection, Conversation, FS, and DS, with SF and Affection top two.

We read the first portion of the online article on radical honesty last night in bed and talked about it. He's very honest, sometimes brutally honest, and I am not. I need to work on meeting that need better. My life is open to him, he has all my passwords and pin codes (most of them are the same across the board, we use the same Vmail code, PIN# on our checking accounts). Some of my accounts auto login with both his laptop and our home PC. He worries about me having an affair, and has voiced this fear because of the amount he travels and my sex drive. I try to make sure that my life is open to him, and that he has access to all of my financial, email, phone, etc... records. As far as I know he's never looked at anything (facebook, email, etc...), but he has access. I have access to everything of his (including work email). He does not have access to my work email, but I have offered to log in from home so he can see what I have in my work email (it's all work stuff, imagine that! ). I can't auto login to that from home.

And, I don't know any better way to meet his need for FC. Financial support is important to him, and my horses are a huge drain and liability. As is our dog, who's being euthanized this weekend after attacking the neighbor's cat (another stressor for us).


I'm going to work on my plan next week while he's out of town. He'll be home Thursday, then we'll travel to our other residence for the weekend, and have all weekend together with no commitments other than buying Xmas gifts for family.


I'm buying the book and going to print the questionarre for him to take with him to th hotel in two weeks. I think this is something we should do alone, without the other one nitpicking our answers. Next week we're both doing the emotional needs questionarre.


I think I'll try to put that in my journal. I journal most nights he's gone, and have a running list of things I love about him at the back of the book. Some of them are really corny, some are funny, some are very private, I offer this to him every weekend when he gets home, but he doesn't usually read it.


Money is very important to him, especially while we're struggling so hard and stretched so thin. Physical Attraction is very important to him (and I've gained 20lbs this year due to some health issues). RC is very important to Hubby - he loves to stargaze and I've been making some efforts to venture out to look at the stars, but it's been frigid here. We're making plans to go to the mountains for valentines days to do some stargazing. Hubby also likes to play video games and I've made an effort to watch him and play some (I suck and it's quite comical to watch for both of us).


Last night we played Scrabble, one of his favorite games, spent some time on the couch just talking, and then went to bed. He's going to our house tomorrow and I'm staying here this weekend to visit with my mom, so we won't have any time together this weekend. If it's clear next week I plan to go somewhere to do some good stargazing and do some shopping for our mutual present.

I had planned to dress up and cook dinner for him tonight, but I got offered o/t at work and I'm not going to get home until too late.

Thanks very much, I do appreciate the book. I'm going to give it 6 months of good hard work and see where we are. He's the only man I've ever dated, and I was 24 when we started dating. So, I've had a learning curve on how to be a good wife to him.

I don't believe he is having an affair; there is no evidence in our phone records, his car, checking/credit accounts, he's always available, he invites me to randonly show up at work when he's close enough for me to drive out in the middle of the week.

I think his view of marriage is not the same as mine; he's older than I am by years and wanted to settle down and get married, and we had nothing in common, but in the beginning we went out of the way to make the other one happy, then that slowly tapered off. Now, it's a rare thing when we do something that the other one solely wants to do. His parents had *no* relationship and I don't believe they liked each other, either.

His previous LTR was with a WW who was cheating on her husband and he ended the relationship when he found out she was married. He was badly hurt by this and I feel like for a long time we've both had one foot out the door, just waiting on some reason to leave. However, when I made a life long commitment to him I meant it and I want to fix this and make it work - we've had terrible screaming fights the past few weeks over the dog, the horses, and our finances.

He's very change resistant and if I say I'm going to do X he expects it. I'm more go with the flow and as long as it happens, so be it. He holds me to my word about simple stuff like what I'm making for dinner, how much/how I'm giving him money for the month, what our plans are, and it's made me very hesitant to committ to things with him because I'm held to them no matter what.

HopefulNC - I'm really encouraged by all that you have posted! You are definitely in the right place and at the right time. Things are bad enough in your relationship that you are motivated to make some serious (and difficult) changes - but things aren't SO bad that you've fallen totally out of love with each other. This is a great place to be for Marriage Building.

I may take a few days to process your post and respond. But let me say this so far

Go Slow. I think you may be biting off too much at once. It took you and your H YEARS to develop the dysfunctional habits and personality traits that are ruining your love for each other. It is going to take some time and some effort to unlearn all that and learn new and better ways of doing things. Don�t rush and don�t get discouraged. Take pride in the smallest victories. Be prepared for occasional set backs. You are attempting to do some of the hardest work humans can do � change themselves. Most other tasks are easy in comparison.
Get and read �Love Busters,� �His Needs Her Needs� and �Fall In Love, Stay In Love.� I realize this will cost around $50. But if you read and follow the advice in these books it will be the best $50 you�ll ever spend. The website is good� but the books are WAY more detailed. Without having the Big Picture in mind that you get from the books you are more likely to misunderstand some aspects of what you read on the website and actually cause more damage.
Here are your �Your Prime Directives� Consider writing these down and posting them somewhere.

1) STOP love busting.
a. I think you guys have LOTS of work to do here =) Good. This is super high-yield
2) Understand and meet your H�s top TWO ENs.
a. I think you are focusing too broadly. Harley recommends only focusing on your spouses top two ENs as it is difficult to really meet more than that.

Help your husband do the same for you to the extent he is willing and interested. But do not pester, beg, cajole or guilt him. Make clear, respectful requests and leave it at that.

Keep going. It seems you are really heading in the right direction!

BWS

Very helpful post. I've been trying to apply what I have learned from the website only, so maybe I need the books.

But the website said you should not spring these on your spouse and you needed their enthusiasic agreement. Otherwise they will think you are trying to control them and reject the idea. Did that apply only to the on line course or to the books as well?

Also, do you recommend 5 Steps to Romantic Love?

Books are ordered!

I was thinking today about all the good things my husband does. He's very physically affectionate - not SF, but he likes to have hold hands, or have a hand on my leg, his arm around my shoulders, it's rare that we're not touching, if we're together. He is pitching in more around the house lately.

Now that I've caught up on my sleep and processed my week I don't want to leave and I'm back to being glad I have him in my life.

We do need to work on our relationship and I'm excited to do the MB program. He is as well. However, I know that with my work schedule (lots, lots, lots of overtime, which we desperately NEED and WANT) that it's going to be hard to schedule our time together. We'll have to work at it and make time, but I know that's going to be an issue for us in the coming months.

Hopeful - sounds great. Glad you are feeling better about things. There is a danger in falling back in to status quo after a wake up call like you've had. Don't let that happen.

Understanding and applying the MB program can be a challenging but life changing experience. Keep sharing your progress and your set backs on this board. It is great to hear about people making headway.

I don't want to slip back into the status quo, but after sleep, food, and some time to process last week ( and two days with hubby ) I'm much more motivated to work on things. We're headed down a road that I'm not happy with, but I am still in love with him and I am confident that he still loves me.

My mom spent the weekend with me and hubby went to our house, so I only had two nights with hubby last week. We spent a lot of time talking and making plans for the next couple of month, just hanging out, and had some SF. Thursday night I had to work late and needed to do housework, so when we got home hubby asked if he didn't get any time since we were trying to get 20 hours in in 2 days with me working 11 hour days (didn't happen... oops). I told him I'd give him 15 minutes before I got up off the couch to work, and he cuddled me up next to him under the blankets and told me how much he appreciated me doing everything I did on Monday and overall in our lives, that he's sorry for not being more affirmitive of the things I do for us. It really brought tears to my eyes. Housework didn't get done (my mother is well aware I'm not a domestic goddess, the dishes in the sink weren't hurting anyone), but I did have some great quality time with hubby, some SF, and spent 3 hours laying in bed talking about the next year and things we want to change/work on.

Since FS is very important to him we've agreed to take half my overtime and pay off debt - first the little CC we use, 2nd the loans to our parents, and third the car/house. We are also planning a pretty spectacular vacation in May for us that we'll both really enjoy. One of my horse's will hopefully lease this weekend with a year contract and our health insurance is going down next month. This is making a big difference in his stress level right now.

O&H is his top emotional need - and we're going to work on that one as well. I agreed to the PORH between us, no one else is getting that level of honesty from me, and that bothers him. I see this as his problem and not mine, I don't owe the rest of the world 100% honesty.

I told him honestly that the DS front is going to be lacking for the next 4 months. I'm working O/T and it's just not happening. I'm working weekends and I'll be missing some family functions, so there's the FC I'm not meeting.

I've also gone on a diet to lose the 30lbs I've gained in the last 18 months and told him I'd shave every day, quit schleping around the house in his jeans and flannel shirts, and generally pay a bit more attention to my appearance, even when we're home alone.

So what do you think?

I really like it. Sounds like you guys are moving in a great direction. I liked that you were honest about what you felt you could/couldn't do in the DS department.

What I'm not clear on - what are your H's top two ENs? Maybe you said earlier but you seem to be trying to hit all 5 and not focus on 1 and 2. I'll tell you that Harley specifically advises against trying to spread yourself too thin over all the ENs and to focus on the big ticket items in need #1 and #2.

Other than that I like your plan. Keep us posted.

As someone who also has O&H as a top need, I can tell you it bothers me when he is dishonest with others as well as with me, and on about the same level. And the reason why is: what it says about a person's character. O&H is, to me, about a person's integrity, and when I see someone lacking integrity, even when it is not directed toward me, it affects the way I feel about them.

Just some fyi into why it may bother your H.

I've never thought about it that way, thank you for the insight.

Thank you!


O&H and FS or FC, depending on how you ask him. I think when we have more reserves in the bank that FS will go down on the list, it's just a major worry for both of us because we've both been unemployed in the last 3 years and are recovering financially.


Thanks! I will.

I call him every morning to wake him up, he gets up way before I do, so I set my alarm and call him to wake him up, he calls me on his lunch hour, and then we talk before he goes to bed when he's out of town. He didn't call me at lunch, so I called him, he'd remembered I had my holiday luncheon today and didn't want to call me since I was partying with my coworkers for lunch. And, he's coming home tomorrow, so we have 4 days together before he has to go back work.

Well... today I'm struggling with what to do in a situation with a coworker. He's one of my 4 cube mates and lately he's gotten too friendly. He's engaged and I'm not comfortable with the level of friendship we've developed. It's heading down a path I'm not comfortable with.

Hubby should be picking me up from work tonight - he requested that I wear a skirt, so I found a heavy wool skirt and boots to wear to work. Can't wait for him to get home!

Struggling?

There is no struggle. Continue it, and find out what it's like to be a betrayer, or get the freak away and save your marriage.

What's the struggle?

KNOCK IT OFF!

My issue is that I sit beside him and I'm in this cube to assist my newer coworkers with their job - which I'm fine with. I hadn't realized how slippery the slope was until he offered me a ride home yesterday. So, I'm struggling with how to turn this back into the professional relationship without the friendship - or request I be moved to a different seat. I have invited him and his fiance out to dinner with my husband and I, do you think that's a good idea?

It's a slippery slope, that's for sure and I don't want to this to turn into something it shouldn't. I'm struggling with how to turn this back into the professional relationship without the friendship and not piss anyone off too badly.

And, HHH, I wanted to add that I *never* would have even put this person on my radar as an issue until I joined here. Now, I realize how slippery the slope is between friends and EA.

Until I joined here I had no problem with opposite sex friends and had many guy friends over the years, and now realize how disrespectful it is to my husband and opens a can of worms I don't want to get into.

I'm struggling with how to change the relationship back into what it should be nad go no furhter down this path.

Ask for a new seat. Then, if the guy persists in conversing with you, walk away.

I have a meeting with my manager this afternoon.

We're all moving in the next few months and I'll no longer be in his cube then, but I want to be moved now.

The absolute simplest thing you can do, for now, is to just not participate in any non-professional conversation with him, period.

No, no dinner. Close that door. Keep him out of your private life completely. It's too dangerous to risk opening any door into your personal life, especially if you have noticed something.

If you are being moved, great. Until then, wall up.

Change of seat coming up in about 10 days.

In an effort to being O&H with hubby I told him last night I had asked for a change of seat because I wasn't comfortable sitting beside this person because our relationship was going from professional to friendly and out of respect to hubby I'd asked for a change of seat. He said he appreciated my honesty and asked if I *wanted* this person. I told him honestly, no, but that I felt it was wrong to have OS friends outside of our relationship, and he asked me what changed - turned into a good discussion and a spinoff of his coworkers (one of his closer coworkers is an older female, I am okay with it because she's in her 70's) and our boundaries.

I am seriously considering giving up FB, or at least going through and deleting most of my friends. I just feel like it's a door that shouldn't be there

This morning hubby brought me to work, he warmed up the car, warmed up my coffee, and turned the heat up before I got up so the house was warm. He's Xmas shopping for me today, too. I've got to work late, but promised him dinner when I get home, even if it's 10pm. We've got plans tomorrow night after work for a date to the astronomy club and viewing with that. I've also decided to do the Love Dare and all of Dr Harley's books should be at the Library tomorrow so I can read them until my copies come.

I can see a change in hubby, and he is putting effort into this.

Are you?

You are the one here, reading, posting, learning. Are you making changes, are you putting effort in? Sincerely?

I can tell you this, fighting and earning a good marriage is better than walking away.

It's so easy to run, that once you start, it's hard to ever stop.

You could ask my sister, she's on her 4th marriage and she's only 42.

Why? Because she doesn't solve problems, she runs from them.

Have you bought HNHN, and Love Busters?

Yes, I am


Yes, I am. I have quit making DJ and SD and IB and my honesty. I am grateful that my husband didn't walk away on several occassions when no one could have blamed him for it. I am strengthening my boundaries and see that several 'friendships' over the years probably were bordering on EAs.


I waited until I was 24 to date and settle down; I fell in love with this man and I promised him to spend my life with him and I intend to keep that promise. And, I want it ot be a happy and fulfilling life that we both enjoy and that we enjoy each other. We have hit a patch of really difficult decisions and hard times, and maybe it's just the time we've been together. We are both committed to working on this, and he's reading and participating at home. Hubby is a total recluse and does't like being involved with people, so he's not likely to come here. I'm a people person who loves everyone and likes lots of activity in my life.

O

nce from Ebay, Once from Amazon, and now have them on interlibrary loan at the library. The library will have them here today (or tomorrow, I think the library is closed due to weather), the Ebay ones should have been here last week, and the Amazon ones are scheduled for the 1st week of January.

BWS - you hit my problem right on the nail. I also have been reading through all of the discussions today - trying to find some answers. I know my answers are in my own backyard, but where to start.

My problem is almost identical to Hopeful's without the travelling husband. He committed to both programs, however after 2 months, I have completed the first 2 chapters hn/hn he has read the first chapeter, not listened to the disk, and just cant find the time to set aside to go over the first assignment - which just happens to be setting aside 15 hours a week! We are totally stuck on the POJA, he wont do it, thinks I will control him or punish him by not agreeing to anything? So I am going to try your advice and go it alone. I know his top 2 EN, we did manage that worksheet, I can guess at my love busters, so I think if I can be strong enough emotionally I can do as you suggested. Is there anything you would add, prior to me trying this. Just as a side note, he may see it as fake, he may accuse me of doing it for the sake of proving him wrong. Those of course would be his own LBW, but I will try to only charge him a minimum fee, knowing he doesnt get it! Any help is appreciated, trying to stay upbeat here before I totally lose it.

Trying, let me read through your posts and get back with you. It doesn't look like you've share a ton about your marriage beyond the POJA. It may be helpful to start a new thread describing your situation in more detail.

How did you meet, were you in love and why?

When and why did things changed?

What are your H's ENs and how well do you meet them?

What are your ENs and how would you better like them met?

What are the significant LBs and other barriers in your marriage?

What has been your experience with MB so far? (what have you read, what have you tried?)

This doesn't have to be a super long report. One or two lines per question may be enough.

I would start a new thread.

BWS

Well, I got the book "Love Busters" today from the Library, plan to read it this weekend.

Hubby and I are going on a date to the Astronomy Club tonight about 45 minutes away. He's picking me up from work shortly.

I am pushing for a new seat next week because all of my cube mates except the one I'm concerned about are leaving the company and/or not in our cube any longer (there were 6, now it's down to 2 after next week). I also found out he's my Secret Santa this year, which for some reason bothers me. I now regret doing SS.

We've got 2 hours of driving tomorrow and then errands to run paying bills and doing some banking business, so we should have our 15 hours of UA for the week.

He went Xmas shopping for me and I haven't bought his gifts yet. Not sure what to get him because I don't get paid until the 23rd. And, he wants something really big for his birthday in January and we're going on a huge trip in May.

We're doing very good avoiding LB. I'm being more honest with everyone involved, including my parents (according to hubby THAT'LL cause some nuclear fall out... my parents are difficult people at best and very controlling). I'm distancing myself from mom and dad, too. And, I've been watching my DJ and Smart mouth. He's controlling is AO very well.

We've managed to POJA a few minor things and we're learning to negotiate things and talk about things without fighting. We promised each other that we'd follow the PORH as well. We set up a combined budget, but we're not combining our checking accounts (in all fairness, combining checking accounts with us not being together everyday to reconcile the account would be a nightmare for the check book balancing one of us, so we're keeping our own accounts for daily purchases).

I'm also reading Love and Respect, not a MB book, but it's been very insightful and is giving me something else to think about. He's read part of it with me, and we're going to read LB together this weekend and next.

I'm working some this weekend, but I'm bringing the car back from the house even though it doesn't have heat, it's better than nothing.

I am 100% committed to making this work. I can't see a life without him, despite the fact I'd like to kick him out sometimes!

Weekend update -

I read all of Love Busters this weekend (Friday night actually, I couldn't sleep and read it through in about an hour and a half). We read the first chapter together, in bed, Saturday night and talked about it. We've read parts/most of Love & Respect this week as well, and we've read through some more of the site together.

We spent the weekend doing nothing of value - ran some errands, picked up everyone else's Xmas gifts, went out to lunch, got very drunk and played Monopoly Saturday night (No idea who won, neither do I care, but we had a really good time).

Friday and Saturday nights we were talking about our problems and he brought up some old stuff that's still bothering him. That I had shirked my responsibility on some bills when we first moved in together; that the neighbor's had invited me to a BDSM meet and greet, and hadn't invited him (I ended up not going, but the principle was still the issue); I still had an account at a kinky version of Facebook (he knew about the account, and I only logged in when he was around, and I had no idea it bothered him); He didn't like me having single men on my Facebook, he feels it's disrespectful.

So, I removed my Fetlife account on Friday when he brought it up. I had joined because he wanted me to be more exciting in bed, and I was looking for ideas. I started removing most of my FB friends - I'm keeping my family on it, good personal girl friends, and current people I work with, and giving everyone different security settings. We do use it at work for communicating stuff.

It boils down to some of my behaviors have really damaged his trust for me, and rightfully so. I thought that this was in our past, but it's still bothering him. I asked him what I could do to repair it and he said time. I told him he has full access to my life - phone records (it's a joint account), checking account records, emails, whatever he wants. He said he doesn't want to spy on me, and I tried to tell him it's not spying, it's holding me accountable for the honesty he deserves. That he shouldn't trust me unconditionally - he has a right as my husband to see what I'm doing. That level of transparency encourages full O&H. I set up all of my accounts to auto login on his PC so he can check them, and he did check to see if I really got rid of my Fetlife account (which I had, it took 48 hours to be fully gone).

We discussed the POJA and both our habit of IB. We made a commitment to POJA anything and everything for 30 days - even if we're not together. I'm going on vacation without him over New Years (My grandmother's 89th birthday party, he can't get off work, so I'm going with my mom), and we're going to POJA how much spending money I have when I go. That's going to be tough.

I also brought up that when we try to discuss things and we don't agree he gets mad and gets loud, I cry, he gets louder, and I get more upset. I am afraid he's going to get mad and just walk out one day, don't ask me why I'm so afraid he'll do that, because he's never walked out on me before. He said he had no idea how frightened it made me and he's really working hard on his AO. His dad would yell and belittle his wife and kids and it bothered my husband and he swore he'd never do it, but he's doing it. He is working really hard to not have AO, and I commend him on his progress.

I have worked hard to not have any DJ and to be completely O&H with everyone in my life. So far, so good, and hubby is very proud of me for my effort.

It was really great today at church in Sunday school we were talking about marriage and being good to your spouses and John put his arm around me and told the class he was working to be the best husband he could be and trying to take the best care of me he could.

I told him that he has the right to veto anything in my life and he has a say in any decision I make - and I have that same right with him. He agreed that is how we should be living. He says I get mad when he tries to stop me from doing things, and I told him that it's how he brings things up that I get mad about. We need to learn *not* to get emotional when we try and discuss things. We should never scream and yell at each other, there's no place in our marriage for that. It's disrespectful and ugly. He and I are committed to making the POJA work for us.

And, on a wonderful note we had a huge increase in SF this weekend with him initiating 3 times - a total of 4 times. Things were easy between us, we were much more relaxed and back to being the couple we've been for much of our relationship.

*the only account he doesn't have 100% free rein access to his my work email account, and while he can certainly log in and see anything there that's not protected by corporate policy, I can't auto login to it from his PC. I don't see this as an issue, do you guys?

Congrats. I think you are doing awesome. So good to hear good news.

It's been a week since I've updated -

1 - we now have a joint checking account as an emergency account. It's our first joint account! We're maintaing my account for my house (I have a small apartment near work) and his account for his house (we own a house we're renevating in our old hometown). We each pay for our gas and food out of our accounts and pay 'our' house's bills from our account. The joint account is for emergency purchases. We've combined our finances more and have worked out a budget with what 'we' make to pay all of 'our' bills and get 'our' debt paid off.

He's trying to trust me to pay my portion of our bills and I know it's hard for him, but he's really trying. Right now I've got overtime at work and he's not working, so I'm carrying more of the bills. He goes back to work next week.

2 - We're getting better at using the POJA. We managed to agree on how much fun money I have this coming week while I'm out of town without any yelling, crying, or anger on either part! And, we've used it for most other decisions, even little things.

We've spent lots of UA time this week because he's off. He's been home since last Wednesday and we've had lots of really good time. We've played in the snow, went for some long walks together, I've curled up and watched him play his new video games I got him for Xmas. Last night we cooked dinner together and played Scrabble. We had steak, asparagus, spinach, yeast rolls, bernaise sauce, and scalloped potatoes, all homemade from scratch, except the yeast rolls.

I'm going out to visit family without him next week, I leave on the 31st and come back on the 6th. He doesn't mind and didn't want to go, but I hate leaving him. My mom is already out there; we've got plans to go to Disney and do some fun stuff while I'm there. I'm still working while I'm on vacation, but not as much.

He hasn't had any AO and I've controlled my DJ and SD better. The other thing I'm really working on is my AH that I know bother him.

So far, I think we're doing much better!

Oof. And I'm reading this right before lunch - now I'm starving.

Seriously, good to hear good things happening for you, Hopeful.

Glad I could help out. I found some filets on sale at the market and got $28 in steaks for $7! The plan was the get him a ribeye and me a hamburger steak (I only eat filet, I'm terrible picky about steak), and those filets were cooked to perfection by hubby and so good. Mine was tender enough to cut it with a fork and his was almost as tender. I butterflyed his and he made his medium well, mine was very rare.

And the asparagus was on sale and very fresh and organic. Lightly cooked it with olive oil, roasted garlic, and white wine. The spinach was organic and fresh, steamed it lightly with olive oil, marsala wine, and some feta cheese. The scalloped potatoes were pretty well untouched, but they were made with heavy cream, sharp cheddar, swiss cheese, and feta cheese.

I made the bernaise from scratch and it wasn't impressive, but the rest of dinner was incredible. And, the bottle of $15.00 wine I found for $4 to make dinner with was really good, too. I had a glass with dinner.

Does that help your hunger pains?

Umm...I cut out for lunch early after reading your post. Now you need to talk up dessert.

Darn! I didn't cook dessert because I cooked so much food I didn't bother.

Now I'm working long shifts this week and we're eating crap food (fast food, freezer pizza, going out late, cereal).

I think I'd like to have some pecan pie tonight.

I've been working a lot this week and hubby has really stepped up to the plate. He's cleaned the house, picked up dinner for us (he hasn't ever cooked, so I don't expect that), pulled up the slack at home and in our personal life for all the things I'm just not getting done with my schedule. I don't know what I would have done without him. After this week all my O/T can be from home, but this week I'm having to be at work for really long shifts.

I am so thankful for my husband and the while I've always loved him and enjoyed his company I've really come to treasure what we have and appreciate him more than I ever have. His help around the house this week has really made me see that when I need him I can count on him, no matter what it is I need.

Last night we went out and picked up wings for dinner and had leftover potatoes from Sunday night; when we got done with dinner I went to bed, but he was still up playing on the PC in the living room. I couldn't sleep without him, so I went back in the living room with my blanket and pillow and fell asleep with my head on his lap for a few hours until we went to bed.

I was hoping for SF last night, but for the first time in our relationship I was too tired. I still dressed up for him when I got home because I told him I would, but he wanted a raincheck for tonight. Not sure I'll be any less tired tonight, but I can always hope.

I'm so glad I found MB and so glad hubby and I have decided to go down this path. He's been reading Love & Respect and HNHN this week at home and is taking HNHN with him next week to finish.

It's been a while since I've updated my thread; I was hospitalized with food poisoning while I was on vacation, and that kind of took the wind out of my sails.

We're doing really well using the POJA for all our decisions, and suprisiginly, it's getting easier. (yes, yes, I know everyone says it gets easier, but I'm too hard headed to believe it until I've seen it for myself). There's been many times I've had to bite my tongue because I want to push him to do something or see something my way, and since I've quit we've been having better discussions and the decisions have been easier to make together. His AO have disappeared since I quit the DJs, too.

We joined a gym here in town. Physical Attraction is really important to him - I've lost 17lbs in a week being sick, and I'm slowly starting to work out and get back in shape. He's heavier now than he's ever been, and it doesn't bother me a bit, but does bother him, so we're both going to the gym. Not together because our schedules (I work out hard Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday mornings before work, and may or may not go the other 4 days, he'll work out in the day time Thursday and Friday, so we might go together on Saturday).

This week we didn't spend my UA because all I did was sleep - what few hours I was awake I spent with him and I think he kind of enjoyed me sleeping more than usual. Normally I'll lay down with him while he goes to sleep, then get up and do stuff for a few hours, or I'll be up way before him. This weekend I was in bed before him and up after him.

He's finished reading HNHN, we're still wanting to read it together, and plan to read some of it this weekend.

We've agreed to sit down and make out a financial plan for finishing our house and getting our debt paid off. He can plan things in his head and I can't do that, I need a written plan. This is a first for him, so I'm thrilled with this step.

I'm getting baptised next month into our church we've been attending, and I've been really thinking that I also want to make some different/other vows to hubby. We did the CL marriage because we needed to, and it wasn't real well planned. We made some promises to each other, but I want to take that a little further. And, between hubby and our Pastor I might end up in a white dress walking down the aisle before long. Whodathunk, 'cause I've always sworn I'd never do that!

I think I've done very well with my IB, too. I haven't bought anything without POJA'ing it in three weeks (or buying it out of 'my' money we agree on). That's a biggy for me. And, I've made a schedule for shopping, meals, etc... and stuck to it even when he's not home. I've always been kind of scattered, and he likes the schedule, it makes him feel better. And, he's chosen to grocery shop with me by scheduling it on days he's home, even though he hates to do it (and I spend a little bit more when he's with me because he buys junk food and I don't).

I think we're doing really well and I'm happy with our progress. We spent lots of time this weekend just cuddling with no SF because of me being sick and he starting to talk about long term plans again. We're picking out where we want to buy land and build a house in the area I'm working, we're taking classes together at the community college, he's reconnected with a few old high school buddies and their wives so we're going out with them for dinner as a couple, and we seem to really be doing well.

The company has decided not to change the seating because we're moving to a different floor anyhow. So, I had a talk with my seatmate and told him I felt like we were being too friendly and needed to have a strictly professional relationship. He's getting married next year and his fiance works in our company as well. And, we're handling that well, I do believe.

This is very encouraging. Great news!

Maybe you told us before....but do you know what your (and his) top 5 EN's are?

Alright, time to change your name from "hopeful" to "happy" and change your thread title from "I'm done" to "I'm bragging."



Jokes aside, excellent news. Seems like you guys are really hitting the nail on the head. Amazing isn't it?

This, dear woman, is awesome!

FWW and I had a very small ceremony - but it's not really about the glitz and glamor. At least, it wasn't for me. For me time stopped when she came down that aisle - and I was so overcome with emotion that I could hardly spit out my vows. I even made a raspberry trying to relax so I could speak.

It's a good move. A bold step in your new direction.

I had posted it before in the middle of one of my long ramblings -

His top needs are RC, H&O, DS, FS, and FC. With H&O and FC as the top two.

My top needs are SF, Affection, Conversation, FS, and DS, with SF and Affection top two.

I ain't bragging yet! We're not out of the woodwork, but we're heading the right direction.

Thanks!

We're talking about getting legally married later this year.

Even if we don't have a legal marriage ceremony I want to make some vows to him more than just what we've done. I think we'll have a legal marriage before next year is out, but time will tell.

I am so thankful everyday for the wonderful man I have in my life and the joy he brings me.

One of my biggest struggles is I'm a control freak and I want to control everything in my life - hubby included. I used to try to manipulate him with SD and DJ and since I'm not doing that the tension level in our house is so much less (kind of chicken and egg situation - I'm unhappy over is AO, but he's having them because I'm pushing his buttons). I've also learned to relax over other stuff - he likes to clean the kitty box a certain (different) way than I do. And, that's okay, because I don't have to clean the kitty box when he does. Even though I think it is waste of kitty litter, we're both paying for the kitty litter. That kind of little stuff has been somewhat of a struggle for me to let go of.

And, learning to cook has been a struggle (for both of us ) for me. I am not domestically inclined and live on pasta or bread and cheese, but he likes me to cook real (and somewhat elaborate) meals on the weekends. Everything I cook or bake I do from scratch and I have to be perfect, so I've had to let go of my perfectionism enough to buy some box mixes since he likes them (and I can't make Bernaise sauce to save my life, or gravy, or a few other things that come out of a box now in my house).

I know he's trying and struggling with things just like I am.

It was really sweet when I called him this morning for his wake up call he asked me what I was going to do - I told him sleep another two hours (I go to work 2:30 later than he does). He's always amazed that I'll wake up just to call him and wake him up, but I like for his voice to be the first thing I hear in the mornings and the last thing I hear at night - sometimes my roommate is the last person I talk to at night when he's out of town, but after I call him and tell him goodnight I very rarely call anyone else - sometimes my family on the west coast, but I try to make his calls the first thing and last thing in my day when he's gone.

This is a great habit! keep it up.

For the first time in years... since we were dating my husband and I spent time on the couch last night making out. He hasn't offered to do this in a long time and when I asked him for it he'd always kind of brush things off. Amazing. Really amazing.

And, the SF last night was amazing to top everything off.

Hubby and I read the first day of the Love Dare last night together. It's about Patience and being patient with your mate. I've committed to doing the Love Dare; he says we're not 'that bad' and I told him that no we aren't, but I want to take every opportunity I can to show him how I feel.

I'm a very lucky woman.

We have tried several times to have a "make out only" night... never works. Won't see me complaining, though!

Hubby can... I can't though.

Today is day 2 of the Love Dare for me - I'm supposed to do some random act of kindness for him - which is funny because we do lots of acts of kindness for each other.

We're going to an astronomy viewing tonight (he's really interested in astronomy). So, I dug out both my heavy ski suits - one for him, one for me. Gave him the heavier pair of boots (we wear the same size shoes), and packed all our scarves, gloves, and hats for 2 hours outside tonight in the teens. Made arrangements to buy some of the hot hands things for him as well. Then, after we get done we're going out to dinner for 'date night'.

My other book as at the Library today from the Harley's, but I can't remember which other one I had put on library loan.

Well, Hubby is gone for work until Wednesday or Thursday. We had a decent weekend, spent lots of time together, with one exception.

Saturday morning I asked for SF and he put it off because he wasn't in the mood. Which led to me crying - usually I can deal with it, but 1 out of 10 times I just can't. I want him to a level I can't turn it off - and that was one of those times. I had been patient the night before and not pushed after he said he wanted to go to bed, and I wasn't so much frustrated by the situation as hurt and there's still a little part of me that feels like he's rejecting *me* even though I know in my mind he's not. I told him all of this, we spent some time together, and eventually got up and went about our day.

So, last night in bed after all was said and done (and we'd had SF for my benefit, he didn't say it, but he didn't finish) we'd had a small financial crisis. We're okay moneywise, I've just got to cover some bills I don't usually. We talked about why this bothers him - because the man is supposed to be the provider and he doesn't want his family and our friends to know I'm paying 'his' bills. We talked more that our finances are between us and no one, except us and the bank knows who pays what and I told him I'd never talk to his mom or our friends about our finances. But, before we went to sleep I said something as a joke, that not only wasn't funny in the context of our day, but was without a doubt probably the most hurtful thing I have every said to anyone in my life. I apologized immeadiately, but I know it's still bothering him (and me for that matter, I can't believe I said what I did, and I didn't mean it in the way it came across, but I can't change that).

In church this morning he was not distant, but still hurt (can't blame him). I told him that I am satisfied with our life - SF, Finances, on all fronts - he's trying to please me, he's an incredible man, and there's not another man in the world I want. I know it'll take time for him to get over what I said, but I wish I could go back and undo it. I really do.

On a good note, the church voted to allow me to become a member and be baptized. He and I stood in front of the congregation today and were officially welcomed in by many of the members.

We talked a lot on the way up here about some of my AH (like turning off the TV when I come home from work) and my DH and IB. I'm doing much better, but still have miles to go. I want to be the best wife I can be for him.

He also told me Friday night that part of him wonders if I'm doing this to manipulate him into doing something or if I've really changed for good. I've made a mess of my life for sure. I told him I've changed for good and I'm workign to be the best wife I can be for him with no strings attached, no manipulation, ever again.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated, so...

We're still doing pretty well on most fronts. This weekend was rough because he didn't feel good and ended up in the ER for an allergic reaction Friday; he has a tendency to take his frustrations out on me, and I called him on it Friday. He also took his frustrations out on my roommate on Friday, which didn't go over at all well...

I have Lupus and have ended up in the ER and being treated for all sorts of things - heart problems, kindney problems, migraines, you name it, I've been seen. He'll admit that I have never taken my feeling bad out on him. He on the other hand, will readily admit he gets short tempered and ill when he's sick.

Added to the sickness issue, we had to put together some records for filing our taxes Saturday, that he neglected to send me. So, it was my fault I didn't have them ready. Even though he didn't send me the records I needed to do my part. He expected me to drop what I was doing and do his tax records.

He told me I was being too critical and sensitive when I asked him about it today. Yesterday on the way home (2 hour drive), I tried repeatedly to engage him in conversation and he ignored me most of the times or gave me grunts. He didn't want to listen to the radio, didn't want me to read, he wanted me to sit there, silent, and ignore him, or that's what it felt like. He didn't want any SF last night, he didn't want dinner, he just wanted to be unhappy over how the day went and blame me for it. I don't know how to deal with his attitude. I tried talking to him without engaging in any LB, but I might as well had a conversation with the cat, at least he might have answered!

Should I just not talk to him when he's like this? Or, try to engage him? I think when I get paid in 2 weeks I might invest in a session with Dr Harley.

I bought his Valentine's day gift today, and we're going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere in a national forest for 3 nights. Going to go sightseeing one day, and the other days we're just going to hang out and enjoy the time. No cell service, no internet... Should be a pretty good time.

My seat at work still hasn't gotten changed, now it's going to be March. I'm applying for a promotion which would entail a move to Florida, so it might not be an issue. He's enthusiastically supporting the promotion and the move, even though it's a job that puts *me* on the road with a three state territory. It's enough money that he can quit his job and go back to school, and in 3 - 5 years I could look for another job not traveling. I'm torn over taking this job because I know what traveling is doing to us, and I don't feel like it's a good move. It's good money and the area he wants to live in, though, and he really wants me to do it. If I don't take *this* job, then I can hope for a promotion in my area now (probably will happen this year) or I can look outside the company I'm working for now (and, I don't really like that prospect... I like the company I work for).

So... That's where we are, any thoughts on handling either the job or the bad attitude when things don't go his way?

Hopeful, it's been my experience that most men handle being sick or not feeling well MUCH worse than most women. It must be something in their social conditioning. I think they dislike the feeling of helplessness and don't know how to cope with it. As women we tend to be conditioned from birth to handle setbacks with patience...men not so much. My only advice is to NOT compare his reaction to going to the ER to yours, *especially* not to him! He already feels challenged to cope with the situation and this will probably make him feel like more of a failure. Try to use *positive* reinforcement as much as possible and focus on how you are affected. You could try something like, "You know, sometimes I feel hurt when I'm trying to help you and you get grumpy at me. But I know you were feeling miserable and I know you were trying very hard to be as pleasant as you could be, so I appreciate it." Telling you that you're "too critical" is a DJ, but I think what he really meant, if he could have said it is, "I already feel horrible, and I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with complaints at this time."

I think it's a reasonable assumption that he *was* making an effort to be as pleasant as he could. He probably felt like yelling and throwing things, so any step below that represents an effort. If he feels like his efforts are appreciated, he's much more likely to keep working at it and improving.

Hi HNC,

why would you apply for a job promotion which requires traveling when there is a prospect of getting promoted anyway and not be traveling?

$30,000 a year difference, a job I've always wanted (the traveling job) vs a job I am capable and would enjoy, but not really in my field. The job description for Florida sounds like it was written just for me. And, if I start down this path as a career, then I can get promoted and not have to travel... in a few years. Plus, he wants to live in Florida long term because we're sick of winter.

Clicker training!

When life doesn't go his way, he sulks, is rude to me, short tempered, and blames me. When he's sick and things don't go his way, it's even worse. When he's in one of his moods he'll ignore any attempts at conversation, not even respond in any way. I feel like that's completely unacceptable. And, then when he gets over it he is sorry for how he treated me, but I still get my feelings hurt. It feels like he's punishing me for his misfortunes, whatever they may be.

Step out of the cycle. Tell him honestly and compassionately "I see that you're unhappy right now and don't want to talk. I would love to talk and cuddle with you once you're feeling better. I'll be in the living room reading."

You don't have to let him control what you do, you can't make him feel better when he feels like crap but you don't have to let it under your skin either. I've been ill for days, I'm incredibly grumpy when I'm ill, I don't sleep and get so tired and still have to care for the kids when he is working because he can't take sick days unless HE is sick. Thankfully my hubby just tries to understand, he doesn't keep on at me to talk to him or to do anything with him, when he's home he potters about doing his own thing and just being available whenever I need to be near him or want to talk or cuddle.

You can honestly tell him what needs of yours are going unmet, and what you would like but assuming he is punishing you is a DJ. You don't know why he feels the way he does or what he is thinking.

If him ignoring you hurts your feelings then calmly state that, "I really feel hurt when you don't answer me." You could ask him when he's feeling well and happy to work out a code word where he can let you know what he needs without having to spell it out if he's struggling.

You have a roommate? How's that working out? Is it a guy or a girl? Has it been a problem, perhaps one you have been blind to?

Roommate is 35 years my senior, female. The house has an attic apartment with a kitchenette, bedroom, bathroom, and living room. That's my portion, my 'Roommate' has the bottom portion of the house. We don't have to interact with my roommate, if we don't want to.

While my husband travels through the week my roommate and I spend a lot of time together, but when he's home we don't see as much of each other. And, when her boyfriend is in town we don't spend as much time together. Once he's home full time we're going to look for a bigger place, but right now we're pretty happy with the situation. The roommate keeps me sane, and we pet sit for each other when we travel and such. Hubby thinks she's strange (she is LOL), but she and I and the 7 cats get along just fine when he's out of town.

Yes, assuming he's punishing me is a DJ. It's still hard *not* to feel that way, though.

Thank you for the ideas. I talk all the time, when I'm stressed I talk more, when I'm sick I talk more, unless I'm too sick to talk, but that doesn't happen real often.

It's always nice to get another perspective.

Hey, you can laugh, but there's a reason clicker training is probably the most popular method among professional animal trainers. Positive reinforcement gets results!

I clicker train horses and have taught and trained as a pro.

Just got back in town today after a 3 day weekend together on the Outer Banks of NC. Very nice, quiet weekend. We spent most of the time just hanging out, went to the Aquarium (very cool!) and for Valentines Day he got my nails done... I've been wanting to get them done for a while.

Overall we had a good weekend, but he's been really short tempered lately and using lots of AO. I've tried really, really hard to not respond in a negative way, but I do calmly tell him that his treatment is unacceptable. And, I told him it feels like he's punishing me for his misfortunes. I'm going to schedule a session with the Harleys for us this week.

The majority of our issues, IMO, stem from the fact that we can't negotiate. We both want things done our way and are convinced that we know best. Which is great, and we're both really great people, great employees that don't need micromanaging. But, we're not that great as spouses go. We're both too independent and too forceful of our own opinions.

I've mentioned several times about our dog, we could *never* come to any agreement whether to put the dog to sleep, rehome the dog, or take him to the relatively nice county shelter. The dog made that decision when he tried to eat my roommate's cat and the roommate kicked the dog out. But, he isn't willing to negotiate and find something that we're both enthusiastic over. We're completely failing in some instances with POJA. Somedays, we're good, somedays we're okay, somedays I'm DJing, he's AO, and I'm crying.

I feel like part of his issue right now is I'm undergoing tests for infertility. We've hit our out of pocket this year and I want to know if we can conceive or not. I think not, and if not, then I'm planning to get spayed. He's said several times that I'm making plans without him, but we've talked about it and he's enthusiastic about me doing the tests, so I don't see what plans he's talking about? The having kids part? The not having kids part? Even with my current birth control I'm strugging with pain everyday and every time we have SF.

My health is also really scarry for me and I've been clingy and upset over the general state of my health. I have Lupus and RA, I struggle with being healthy and pain free. I'm going through my first severe flair in 10 years, the first time he's seen me like this. Along with the constant pain, the painkillers, comes the depression and the fear. He's the only person that really sees that fear, and I think it scares him to see me like that. I'm tough and strong and don't need anyone... and, right now I'm trying to lean on him, but it's hard for both of us because the more I need him the more he's withdrawing from me. It's not unusual for me to cry at a movie or cry over getting my feelings hurt, but the sitting on the couch everynight and crying for an hour is frightening for him (I think) and unnerving for me. It's my wallowing time and it keeps me sane the rest of the time. Very few people - him and my long time best friend - know me well enough to know just how low I am, and I should probably pursue getting an anti-depressant, but I have a history of drug reactions and haven't found one I can tolerate without crazy side effects. I hurt 100% of the time and it's really taking it's toll on me and on us and I'm not the enthusiastic, chipper, always bubbly person I usually am. That's affecting us as a couple for sure...

He also wants me to have some enhancement surgery for him, which on top of the above issues is just devestating to me. I asked him how he'd feel if I told him he needed enhancement? I feel inadequate as his wife and inadequate to provide him SF. I feel like he doesn't want me like I am and I don't want to pursue this surgery to please him.

Today I just feel like I want to curl up and cry. I'm getting ready to head home from work, since I took the weekend off I had to come in and work for a while. But, I just feel done for, done in, and in some ways I don't want to lean on him because I'm afraid he's not able to handle it and give me what I need.

Another update - it's been a few weeks since I've posted.

I'm thrilled with our progress and overall relationship. In hindsight, I don't think we were this happy way back when we first started dating.

My health is improving, thankfully! And, we're both handling it much better than we had been. I'm going to talk to my doctor about antidepresants because I'm stuck in a funk, not sleeping well, and really struggling, but I'm no longer crying every night and am dealing pretty well with my day to day life again.

I've rescheduled all of my doctor's appts for days when he's home at his request because he wants to go with me. He doesn't like going with me, but he offered to go to support me.

We are doing better using POJA, but I still think we need a few sessions with a professional. That's once again gotten put on hold due to some auto repair bills.

There's a level of intimacy and trust between us that's never been there before.

We still struggle sometimes, but we no longer fight and argue, we're more respectful, we're more loving, there's enough trust for us to share our thoughts and the other person take them to heart. I've found new reasons to fall in love with my husband, he's an amazing man and I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

We are traveling a lot this spring due to family and volunteer commitments, but we're doing it together. We're looking at long term lease on a farm now, our finances are fully combined, we're making plans to try for a baby... I'm a lucky woman!

Congrats! Maybe you need a new title for the thread?

I don't know how to change it, do I email the mods?

In my opinion, you should keep the thread name. In the future, you can then go back and see how far you've come.

(My own thread title was Sleepless_in_VA. I am now sleeping quite well, thank you).

Dr. Harley has said that no spouse should ever have to have enhancement surgery to meet their spouse's need for attractive spouse. I remember him saying on a thread on this board that he considers that a sign of a spouse having unrealistic expectations. I can't remember the thread though. Does anyone else remember what I'm talking about?

It's relatively minor, outpatient procedure, but it still makes me feel just... not good enough. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, this is something that he and I will be the only ones to see, but I'm immune compromised and any surgery carries higher risks with me than with someone else. We've talked about it at length and if our insurance will cover it for medical reasons (and it should, it's something that bothers me but isn't bad enough for me to get fixed) then I might do it, but if it doesn't then no dice. Or I might wait until after children, since I hear that area remodels after kids.

I do have a question that's been bothering me, and this might deserve it's own thread. SF has been lacking for about 6 weeks. So, I can't seem to approach this issue between us without someone getting hurt or angry.

- he's had health problems in the past and been seen for them. They come and go, but the doctor he saw last time didn't do anything, he was allergic to the meds, and the doctor wouldn't change them. I think we need a new doctor, he wants to just drop it and not go to the doctor.

- he snores terribly, sleeps poorly, and has been referred for a sleep study that he won't go for because he doesn't want to pay for it. I bought him a Snorguard that he's been wearing that's helped some, but he's still tired all the time.

- he keeps saying if I do X it'll improve our SF - if I keep myself shaved, wear 'nice' underwear, dress up, but it's hard for me to enthusiastically do those things because he's not always in the mood, then I get hurt or I put pressure on him, and it doesn't go well. He doesn't like it when I ask him if we are or aren't, because it 'ruins the mood'. I have no issue going all out and dressing up for him, but I don't want to dress up, get my hopes up, and then get turned down. By not going well I mean either he out right says he's not in the mood or we try for SF and it's obvious he's not in the mood. When he's in the mood the SF is mindblowing.

- This morning when I tried to bring it up again he got really upset and said that maybe there was something wrong and he wasn't ready to face it and I need to back off and be patient.

- He's also told me several times in our relationship and most recently this week that he's bored with our SF and needs to spice it up. Quite frankly, I'm running out of ways to spice it up. We're really adventerous, as adventerous as two people can be. The things we haven't tried are because he won't try them, not because I'm not willing. And, I don't understand being bored with your spouse. I just can't wrap my mind around that one.

I've heard from many people IRL and some here that when the desire for SF changes it means there's someone else, which is leading me down a road I don't want to go down. I looked over our phone bill, all of our checking/savings/credit accounts and see nothing out of the ordinary. He's not protective of his phone or PC and his history on his PC wasn't out of the ordinary ( I had to pay for some things with his PC Thursday and went into history to get to Ebay like I always do).

We have discussed the SF topic without any AO, DJ, or SD, but I always end up crying. Always. I don't know what to say to get him to see that by ignoring this issue he's forcing me to live a more celibate lifestyle than I want to.

I know we're both concerned because gas prices and his job - another 1.00 on the gallon and he's going to have to quit his job because it'll be costing us for him to work. I am *elated* at that possibility and can temporarily cover all of our bills, but it's cutting things too close for him to see this as a viable option. The plan is for him to put his notice in once I get a promotion - within the next 3 - 4 months, so it's just changing our time table a bit and we're banking on the overtime at work holding out so I can pay all the bills. If I'm not making overtime I can't cover all of our bills (2 house payments, 1 car payment, insurance, health insurance, cell phone, and utilities at both residences, and two horse board bills). We really can't strip much from our budget - the horses aren't leasable due to age/condition, the house back home isn't rentable until is remodeled and that requires $$$, it's too far for me to commute, and I can't get a job in my field back home, so I have to be in this area I'm in now. Our cell phones are basic, no extras, and the car is 5 years old and was $11,000, I drive a beater, and our utilities aren't outragous.

And, I'm going through fertility tests and it seems like things got weird between us for SF when the fertility stuff started. I get the feeling that he wants to want a baby, but he's not ready. I know we need to wait a year or two, but I want to know now if I probably can or probably can't, and then we need to decide from there.

I feel like when we POJA things that are really important to one of us that the other one may not be really truthful about their feelings - like the fertility stuff.

We're happier than we've ever been. We haven't been ugly over this, and I'm proud of that. It's hard for me to let it go and not worry about it, because I don't want to put pressure on him for SF because he's not feeling well/possibly sick, but it's so normal to reach for him and make advances.

A few things..
Just because you don't see anything in the history doesn't mean your husband is on the up and up. You can delete parts of your internet history. Your husband can also browse "in private," which means that web sites and what not don't show up in your history.

So, you POJA'ed the fertility stuff? Why do you think your husband isn't open with you about that? What does he need from you so that he does feel safe enough to be open/honest with you? Why do you need to know now about your fertility issues? Do they have to do with general health problems? Does your insurance cover infertility diagnostics?

There's a book, I think called 52 nights of great sex or some such thing, where half of the book is for the man and half is for the woman. I know it's been recommended here before.

I'm a programmer, I'm pretty confident the history hadn't been funked with. I wasn't specifically looking for his history when I was looking, but it was in correct order, no big gaps, and when I've been on his PC recently there was nothing out of order that I could note.


We did POJA the fertility stuff in January and I thought we were both happy with it, but everytime I bring an appointment up or mention it he brings up that we need to wait to have children. And, I ask him if he's okay with the fertility tests and he says he's fine with it. But, I really don't think he is. I don't know how to make him feel safe enough to be O&H with me on this. He really wanted kids and I didn't when we met, then we both did, now I feel like he doesn't. But, he won't come out and say that he does or doesn't. He has brought up the testing because if I can't have kids then I'll probably get spayed which should take care of a lot of the pain I have, and that's a plus. In January we'd even set out a timeline for what we'd do when with regards to the tests, come of BC, not trying/not preventing, and then finally ttc. I've waffled and cried and struggled with it because I don't know that I can handle going through more miscarriages, but I know he wanted kids and I'd like to have 1 child.

I have Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthiritis, possible Endometriosis, and migraines. If we want to have a child in 2 years then I need to go ahead and make plans career wise to be able to take several months off for bed rest, we need to start trying meds and treatments that I can handle while I'm pregnant. With Lupus suprise pregnancies aren't good. And, there's a chance that one of my doc's will strongly discourage me having kids. We've decided that if it's life threatening danger to me then we'll not ever try and we'll pursue 100% BC so there's no chance.


I've seen it. (TMI Warning) We're pretty well versed in positions, **edit** Everytime he pushes because he's 'bored' we open our horizons a bit, but I really feel like there's nothing to open our horizons up to that doesn't include other people or other 'hard limits' we're not going to push and change.

I would push on the sleep study. If he has sleep apnea he is probably so tired that it may be affecting SF. He may be "sleeping" for 8 hours but if you have sleep apnea you are waking up every few minutes to breathe, basically. My DH has it and he was taking 1-2 naps per weekend day because he was so tired. I suggested that he may have sleep apnea and he must have been miserable enough that he actually went to the doctor within the week and got referred for a sleep study. Now he uses a CPAP machine to keep his airway open and both of us are happy about the lack of snoring.

I got him a SnorGuard that he wears when he's home and it prevents the snoring, but it's not comfortable.

I'll continue to pursue the Sleep Apnea route. I worry about his health more than worrying about not having SF.

It's been a few weeks since I've updated. We've got another physical scheduled for both of us to get a referral to the sleep study again so our insurance will pay for it. We'll see what comes of this.

We agreed to take a week or two off from even attempting SF, and spend time meeting the other 3 needs and see where we are. This weekend we're going out of town to judge project books, next weekend we're painting his mom's house.

I was really rude to DH last week and took my frustration out on him over not feeling well, having too much to do, and just life in general. He asked me if I still wanted to be with him or if I'd decided I wanted out. Poor guy.

I've gained so much weight and am working on losing it, but it's a slow process and DH wants to 'help' me diet. I can't handle that and he doesn't understand why I don't want his 'help'. It's something I have to do on my own without his help.

Or it's something you can do together by changing the way you eat.

Learn to cook healthy, low cal meals together.

Hello? UA opportunity?

Yes, it is something we can do together. When he's home.

When he's not home I work 12 - 14 hour days and go to the gym, so by the time Thursday rolls around the last thing I want to do is cook for us. And, he never helps cook and clean up.

It's something we need to talk about this weekend.

We had a pretty good weekend for the most part. We spent the weekend volunteering in Raleigh and had four hours in the car together to and fro and all day together doing stuff, and went out to a nice dinner.

He made it clear this weekend he doesn't want to pursue having a child, ever. Which is perfectly fine, I just wish he'd come out and said this several months ago. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings. We're going to wait a year to do anything permanent. The stability of our economy is really worridome to him and he just is not comfortable having a pregnant wife or small child in the next few years.

We also went through the questionarres and attractive spouse is really high on his list. I've gained 37lbs in *6* weeks and have made a commitment to hit the gym and clean up my diet and lose down to my target weight - about 70lbs. It's a constant struggle for me, but it's a demon I've got to fight.

And, DS is his #1. Yes, #1. I am *not* domestic at all, but I'm struggling through. I've culled out my overtime this week and am getting our house in order. Bought some furniture and stuff last night to make it more organized and get things put away.

He says I still nag him (and I admit, I do). I need to work more on me and quit being so wrapped up in what I want to be happening.

DH suprised me and came home last night.

And, he came home to a partially clean house. Our bathroom is spotless, well organized, and we had clean towels folded in the bathroom ready to use (always a point of frustration for him!) and we now have a hamper in the bathroom. Previously, he would leave clothes on the floor and the cats would drag them into the kitty box, and I'd get angry. So, the hamper should solve that issue!

And, the closet is organized and all my shoes are put away, the entire house is getting cleaner and more orgazined. He also got a home cooked dinner last night.

I've also lost 3 lbs this week and been at the gym everyday for a week.

I feel like we're back o square one right now.

And, two more steps forward for us...

DH was elated that I cooked real, home cooked food for him Thursday night and Friday night. And, he got brekfast on Saturday, lunch on Saturday, brekfast on Sunday, and we only ate out once over the weekend as a date night after the laundromat. Date night consisted of laundry and dinner at the BBQ next door...

He was also excited that over the weekend more of the house got cleaned up - our bedroom looks great. I bought some new furniture and the house is really starting to shape up.

I've also lost 5 lbs as well.

We redid the EN questionarre and I'm trying to meet his DS and AS needs.

His grandmother fell and has a possible broken hip and heart issue. So, I spent last night with my MIL, we went to dinner and drank a bottle of wine after dinner. So, we might have to take a road trip to help get grandma down here from PA this weekend.

We have a doctor's appt with the reproductive specialist this Friday, and we've both got a list of questions for them.

And, my car is broke yet again, other semi-constant issue between us. The car is in a chronic state of falling apart and just won't run. So, we've still got 3 cars on the road, and he wants only 2.

We're failing the use of the POJA.

Really failing it's use at times - and it's more on DH part than mine that it's being broken, but that doesn't mean I don't own part of the issue.

We agree to something, he changes his mind, he does what he wants to do. Sometimes I don't find out about it until much later and it really didn't matter. Sometimes I find out about it before it's happened and we can renegotiate. Sometimes, he tells me after the fact and expects me to go along with it.

This morning we had a discussion that turned heated over him changing his mind over something and expecting us to pay for it. It's not a lot of money, it's the principle.

How do I fix this?

I'm hoping that the "Lord of the Lettuce" will see your post and help you out.

Me too!

Hope, I don't often respond, because it sounds like you're on the right track. But I'm wondering, how about upping the UA time? That gives lots of opportunity to discuss stuff before it gets bigger.

He's still traveling 3 or 4 days a week, and will be for another few months.

That's part of our problem - We spend in excess of 20 hours together, but nothing Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. Thursday and Friday evening we spend 3 - 5 hours together, and all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday.

I have 2 interviews next week for jobs that will make him quitting his job a reality. I think that will make a huge difference to both of us, 'cause it's so easy to just do stuff when the other person is so far away and we're not together. I know that our marriage will not be as good until we're together every night.

We are very passionately in love, we truely happy to spend the time we spend together, we enjoy each other. Next week I'm going on the road with him, and he's staying here even though it's a further drive one day (or maybe we'll both stay in a hotel near his work that night, I don't know!).

When I'm not upset over something we are doing pretty good with POJA, and many times the issue is I push for an answer when he's not happy and enthusiastic with it. I've got to get that under control.

He's struggling to control his AO and I'm struggling with my DJ. But, at the end of the day I'm still thankful to be his wife, he's still the love of my life, and I'm so happy to have him in my life!

So, we reread the POJA section in LB and HNHN and discussed it. And, we're trying to work it again. I'm trying to learn not to push him for a decision, and he's learning to make decisions a little quicker. I fly by the seat of my pants. He researches everything to death. We're learning.

This weekend we POJA'ed our new house. It took a lot of prayer, and ultimately I shared with him what I wanted to do, but I asked him to make the decision. And, he got a sign at church and we're leasing the farm of my dreams. I hope this isn't a case of getting cold feet later!

But, I didn't push him for a decision. He knew the timeline this decision had to be made. He knew the options. He knew what I wanted. We talked about the pros and cons of each property. And, he decided to lease the farm. We did research together (talked to current farm owners I know who keep their farms how I kept mine I had before him, read a lot, went to farm supply to price stuff) and we made a decision. This is the first really big, life changing, major event decision we've ever made with POJA. There were no fights or tears or angry words, and no pushing. Maybe we're learning.

I know I'm a lucky woman with the best man in the world who loves me more than I can understand sometimes.

And, I have one job offer, waiting on a second from the inhouse promotion at work. And, DH has applied for jobs in town and plans to be working in town within 6 weeks. I can't manage the 75 acre farm we just leased without him, and he's excited to be home all the time.

happy to read this good update!

So, this week has been a week of huge disapointments for us. I would say my personal disappointments, but they're really big for both of us.

The farm that we decided to lease - the owners changed their mind at the last minute before we signed the lease. I was too personally invested in this farm. And, I got passed over for the promotion at work - a younger, less qualified but more bubbly woman got it. (Who wants a bubbly claims adjuster? Really? Bubbly?)

I have a job interview for a job with a startup company next Tuesday that I'm really excited about, but he's not so excited about. It's further away from home. He really wants us to move back where our family's are. And, we want to tell my parents that we're married, which isn't going to go over well.

But, he's actively looking for a job in town, even if it means a pay cut. It's the best thing ever. He said last night it means more to be with me every night than to make more money. So, once we get my job squared away then we're going to find him a job in town, wherever that maybe.

My last post about the disappointments I'd faced seems so trivial in the aftermath of the last two weeks. I'm so thankful for my DH, he's been the rock that's kept me going and kept my life together.

My roommate didn't feel well for a few days, and last Monday morning she passed suddenly of pneumonia in our kitchen. I found her about an hour after she had passed, and since she had very little family and only a few close friends I had to deal with the notifying everyone, the attorney for the estate, and a lot of her personal matters with her estate. It's been heartbreaking to me. DH was out of town and my mom came up to spend the night with me Monday.

My DH's grandmother is dying of heart failure in Pittsburgh. My MIL has an eye condition and can't drive on the highway, and I've been shuttling her back and forth the Pittsburgh.

My friend's funeral was yesterday, and thankfully, I made it through the day.

DH has just picked up on so many things I needed. He's been there every turn of the way to support me and he's just taken care of things that I needed done without me asking.

I'm severely depressed and really struggling. DH is encouraging me to seek counseling and has gone so far as to get some counselors in our area for me to check out. Poor guy, he's been through the ringer the past two weeks.

We've still got to find a house and move somewhere by September. We now own 7 cats, I inherited my roommates cats. DH has a job interview in town, but I haven't asked him about it this week. I've been in bed before him and up before him. I think barely functioning is a fair description of me lately. I work, I cook, I feed the cats, and I sleep. That's about it.

Today begins the sixth week of hell for me. However, I've learned some important lessons about my marriage throughout this.

For our years together I had always felt like my husband was weak. Even if I wouldn't come out and say it, I'd felt it. He's quiet and much more laid back than I am. Very slow to anger, doesn't take issue with much of anything. I complained that he never took up for me, that I never felt like he had my back.

I've learned that he is an incredibly strong man; and if I need him to, he's always got my back. He can and will stand up for me, if I can't. I've always been 'strong' and taken care of myself, until the past weeks. It's not that he's weak, it's that I never gave him the chance to do this for me.

We had been doing really well prior to this, and our relationship has strengthened and deepened in ways I didn't expect from this. I've never been this vulnerable. I'm always happy go lucky, this is the first time in many years I've gone through such a dark time. He's been beside me through it all.

For the first time ever he planned our vacation over this weekend. I did make our B&B reservations because I had the email in my PC, but he made the decision to go, the nights to stay, and he's made all the other plans. It's wonderful for him to lead our family like this.

Feels good to have an interdependent marriage doesn't it. This recognition of his strength resonates with me deeply. I totally get his position in the past. If you always took charge, why would he develop this skill set in your marriage? He was just not required to do so. Then in a time of need you found out he is not only willing, but very good and taking charge if need be. I totally get that, I really do.

It's great. He's showen a few times with his family that he'll stick up for me, if he has to. But, this is the first time that it's been a day to day thing of him having to take care of things and do things.

I'm not good at delegating, letting go of responsibility and control, or trusting people to do things because I want them done my way. I struggle constantly with that in my marriage and in my professional life.

But, I've got the best husband in the world and I tell him that every day.

Thursday or Friday when DH we're going to POJA some MIL issues.

There have been two recent events with MIL that I'm feeling very taken advantage of and unhappy with the situation. She told me two weeks ago that I didn't need to spend all my free time on the weekends with my DH, that he could do things with her, without me. I told her we have very little time together and he wants me to spend time with him on the weekends. I ended up going with him and both he and her were glad to have me along, but it feels like she's trying to drive a wedge between us and pry us apart.


DH feels like I don't want him to see his mom because I'm angry over all te stuff she asks us to do. I don't mind doing stuff for her, within reason, but I feel like she's stealing my DH and we're not getting our houses taken care of because of her stuff.

How can I POJA this withouth alinnating my DH and hurting his feelings.

I haven't updated my thread in a really long time. Guess that's a good thing in a way. DH and I are doing very well. He's still on the road (for now), I'm still working way too much (80 - 90 hour weeks).

We are going to move home next year or the year after, DH is miserable in our current location.

Overall we're doing really well, we spend 15 - 20 hours a week together and I'll be thrilled when he's off the road for good. This week he's been home all week and working locally and we're so much happier than usual.

DH has proposed a new solution to him being on the road - me take a job with him and travel while I pursue my degree.

This weekend I'm taking my ACTs to go back to school and plan to pursue my degree in computer programming. I'm still working too much, we're both unhappy with the current situation, our lease expires where we are in July. He'd really like me to go on the road with him for a year. I feel like I'm giving up a career for a dead end job, but it's a job that puts me with my husband every night. Decent pay, no benefits, 30 hours weeks, I can retain sanity and finish school and keep my marriage.

Either my job and the related stress or his job and the travel is going to break our relationship. Something has got to give.

Going to talk serious about it tomorrow when he comes home. It's been a year since I've had more than 3 days with my husband in a row.

DH and I spent this past week together on the road - I think it was Mel who said we would love it. And, we did.

It should be a few weeks until he's off the road and I'm working from home a few days a week.

We also set a date for our wedding - April 27th. I'm really excited to be having a wedding, in the church, and we're having fun planning it. No Bridezilla here. My parents aren't involved, but his mom is helping me out and we are like kids in a candy store with the wedding dress! My best friend is the Maid of Honor, his BIL is the best man, our Niece and Nephew are the flower girl and ring bearer. We'll have about 30 guests, unless all of my family from Cali shows up, then we'll have about 60. Our church will easily hold 400. LOL

I am so very excited to share a life with my DH.

So tonight we are seperated. DH had to go back to NC to take care of some loose ends and he'll be gone tonight and maybe tomorrow night. It's really shocking to me that we had planned for him to come home on Friday and when I talked to him tonight he said he'd be home tomorrow, he hates being apart. BIG change!

I have tried to elimiated my LB. I am bad about SD and DJ. I think I'm doing really well. DH has done really well with his AOs and hasn't had many in the last year.

Prior to moving I was failing miserably at meeting his needs for DS. Since we moved I've stepped up and I'm meeting that need well. I'm cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our house. He's found a better job and is meeting my need for FS.

We are rereading the books and redoing the questionarres this weekend and we are managing 20 hours of UA time now. It's totally amazing. Really amazing.

I'm madly in love with the best man ever.

Why the change for him to not be home?

It's just for one or two nights to take care of some things in NC.

We moved from NC to Ohio and still own a house in NC and have family. There is some legal paperwork he had to take care of with a family member down there and he's not yet working in Ohio. So, it's a run down to the old residence, pick up stuff, take care of some legal stuff, and come home.

This had to be done on a weekday and I didn't want to take two days off to drive 10 hours down after work, do what we needed to do, and turn around and drive home.

He's no longer working on the road and will be home all the time now. In fact, he's had 3 job interviews up here for local jobs and should have a job next week.

I just wanted to say that being together every night has improved our relationship so much.

It is amazing, I love it, we're both so happy. We are meeting each other's needs, eliminated most of our LBs, and I couldn't be happier.

DH and I have been really married for 2 months now, when I remember I'll post some wedding photos. I think our wedding was perfect, if it wasn't I didn't notice. The dress fit me, the food was great, and I we got married - nothing else was important to me! I was NOT bridezilla, I was bride don't care.

And, since January we haven't spent a night apart. Yayaya! Finally! It's great.

And, we're consistently getting in 15 hours of UA time, 6 - 8 at home and at least one night out. We don't have kids in the house and we're really homebodies. Through the week after work we don't enjoy being out of the house, so I'll cook a nice dinner and we'll play cards or sit and talk on the deck, or go for a walk, or play with the pony.

I have a porn blocker on our router that I have the password for, but since we had that issue he hasn't used his personal PC because it has a virus and won't connect to the internet. The PC also has a keylogger on it and a blocker. We only use our work PCs and I have a smart phone.

We have redone our Emotional Needs questionare recently and they've changed a little bit on both sides. My needs haven't changed much - SF, Conversation, Affection, and RC are my top 4, but DH's have changed to be Affection, Conversation, RC, and Family commitment. SF is 5th or 6th. And, RH has slipped down the list now that he feels safer with me.

My biggest issue is I'm a control freak and I think that falls into the SD and DJ. That's my struggle. DH hasn't had an AO in 4 months. At all.

I listen to the radio show everyday now, too. Since I finally joined the 21st century and have an Iphone! LOL

One thing I count myself very blessed for is we have shared hobbies - the performance cars for one (I'm old school V8 and DH is a tuner guy, but we have 4 cars now - old school v8 truck 600hp to the wheels (mine), 4cyl turbo Cobalt SS (his), 4 cyl Supercharged Cobalt SS (mine), and Mustang that is being built and will be a v6 turboed so not a tuner and not a pure power, but an odd ball car) and ballroom dancing. The horse we still have is more of a shared hobby, but we don't do anything with her other than treat her like the family dog. We've also picked up some video games we play together. And, we've started cooking together. And, learning about beer and wine together, that's for his job, but I'm interested in it as well for my personal information.

Life is good in our house. Very good!

Congrats, viscountess !

thanks for the wonderful update.