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#2449788 12/07/10 08:41 PM
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I think I'm done with my husband and our struggling marriage; there are no children, very little assets, and I don't know how to go through with the common law divorce - must contact the attorney tomorrow. Even my MIL isn't discouraging me from separating.

There has been no infidelity on either part - I know for sure on my part, and I'm relatively certain on his part (full disclosure between us, phone, checking, credit, internet, etc...). I just don't think we're fixable, no matter what.

I came here and I've tried to apply the MB principles; even before coming I tried to be the best wife to him I could be. Two and a half years ago he took a job traveling 5 days a week; it caused me intense stress at the time and I cried and begged him not to take it. But, it was the only job he could find, and he promised it was temporary. He's still at the job and this week had a very severe medical emergency, 300 miles away from me, with me scrambling to fly into a blizzard to bring him home.

It's also -

1 - His fast car when I have no car (we junked mine to make a down payment on his new car, and the remaining 2nd car needs several thousand dollars of work). I make half the car payment every month. I resent the car more everyday for some reason. It's such an impractical car, but it's what he wanted.

2 - He staunchly refuses to combine our finances. Period. Until I make more money; He makes fun of me/puts me down for not having any money - but I'm contributing cash to him (car, car insurance, and phone - for a while I had the second car, but haven't in several weeks) and I carry all of our health insurance. I contribute over $500 to him monthly - over a quarter of my income.

3 - He's not meeting my emotional needs and isn't interested in changing. I've asked, I've begged, I've signed us up for the Love Languages classes, I've tried to get him to do counseling. Something. Anything. He did get me roses for my birthday, but I feel neglected and used.

4 - I feel like our ideals of marriage are too different and I don't feel like we can ever reconcile our relationship to be something we can both appreciate. The POJA is too much for him to bother with, he won't go for it. And the combining, or not combining, finances is just eating at me. Along with his job, his lifestyle, and my lifestyle, and I don't know what other options I have.

Last edited by McLovin; 06/07/11 02:27 PM. Reason: Thread title changed at member's request

Me: 30
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Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
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Hi,
Since I am new I don't feel qualified to give advice but just wanted to say I emphathize with what you're going through. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but don't know what that is. I do think that finances should be combined, and you need a dependable car. That is far more important than him 'wanting' a sportscar.

I think I am done too. I feel the same way as what you said "I feel neglected and used" too. My H works out of town and leaves me alone all week with all the responsibilities.

Best wishes, and I hope someone will answer you soon with constructive ideas how to cope and what to do.


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Originally Posted by SoooFedUp
I think I am done too. I feel the same way as what you said "I feel neglected and used" too. My H works out of town and leaves me alone all week with all the responsibilities.

Best wishes, and I hope someone will answer you soon with constructive ideas how to cope and what to do.

Thank you. I really hit this point when I was in a panic about how to get to him in KY with me not having a car, him being sick, his family would help financially, but wouldn't physically help, and my family wouldn't help. It's me or the job right now, and knowing him, I know he'll choose his job.

I feel kind of bad for venting to my MIL Monday, but I'd been up all night with the ER, his job, his coworkers, and said somethings to her about how unhappy I was. She'll probably call and tell him, but oh well, it's done. His dad traveled like this and he saw what it did to his parents and how he as a kid resented it, why can't he see what it does to me?

(car issues aside, we're buying me something in January)


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Have you tried calling the Harleys?

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Have you tried calling the Harleys?

I don't have the money for it right now. He won't go to counseling, either. With any counselor, for any reason. According to him he has no problems and all our problems are mine.

I hate his job, I hate being alone 4 nights a week. I am perfectly capable of caring for myself, but I hate being alone. I need the conversation, the time with him, and he won't admit that I am *not* the woman you leave at home 208 days a year and me be happy. I am not his mom, who's a recluse/loner or his sister who's a reclusive witch.

Could the Harley's help us if he won't work at it?



Me: 30
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Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Thank you. I really hit this point when I was in a panic about how to get to him in KY with me not having a car, him being sick, his family would help financially, but wouldn't physically help, and my family wouldn't help. It's me or the job right now, and knowing him, I know he'll choose his job.
I think I would have said "I cannot get you, I don't have a car. Can you call your work and ask them to get you home since you were in KY due to work?"

Let work take care of it.

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Originally Posted by wannabophim
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Thank you. I really hit this point when I was in a panic about how to get to him in KY with me not having a car, him being sick, his family would help financially, but wouldn't physically help, and my family wouldn't help. It's me or the job right now, and knowing him, I know he'll choose his job.
I think I would have said "I cannot get you, I don't have a car. Can you call your work and ask them to get you home since you were in KY due to work?"

Let work take care of it.

The supervisors and HR people didn't respond Monday morning, he was 300 miles away, in severe pain, incoherent, the painkillers they gave him first weren't working, and I couldn't do *anything*. He had a kidney stone and having suffered through those, he couldn't function and care for himself.

I guess I went into this with a plan of having a helpmate, a friend, a companion, and a lover - with him gone so much I feel very disconnected and lonely - and frustrated when I can't take care of him!


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Hopeful - just wanted to let you know I read through your posts. I admire your commitment and your desire to make things better... and your willingness to ACT on that desire. I also think your feelings are very valid. If I were in your position, I would want more too.

In Nov you said your H was committed to MB for 60 days. What happened?

This may feel like generic advice - but to experience something in your marriage you currently are not experiencing you need to DO something you are not currently doing.

Simple concept, difficult application.

What are you going to DO differently that you are not doing now?

You can control only one part of this relationship, yours. It is important to remember what you have control of and what you do not� and to let go of what you cannot control (your husband�s behavior.)

Here are some options I think you have.

1) Leave and try to create the relationship you crave with someone else
2) Continue to work towards your goals/desires/needs in your current relationship
3) Give up, continue to exist at your current level of dissatisfaction

The fact that you are here and based on what you have shared so far it seems you are still committed to #2. The question is what to do.

HopefulNC � there are many many things you haven�t done yet. In fact, some might consider everything have done up until now to be a waste of time and effort. Most efforts at marriage building and counseling do not work. You need something that does. Harley claims his system works and he claims to have data to support it.

Here is what I think Harley would recommend to someone in your situation.

1) *Completely stop all LoveBusters towards your husband.* It sounds like you guys abuse each other quite regularly. Cease and desist. Get and read the book LoveBusters � do this first. You will make no progress building your account in your husband�s bank until you stop making withdrawals.

2) Take a masters course in understanding and meeting your husband�s emotional needs. Don�t disparage them as you seem to have done here. If his top need is domestic support, become domestic super woman. Imagine domestic support is his sex � he feels about domestic support the way you do about conversation, affection and sex. Treat his needs with the same dignity and respect as you do your own needs. Learn and meet his #2 top need as well. Maybe financial support? Sounds like it.

3)Set a time line � but do not share this with him. Say to yourself
Quote
�I�m going to try this proven method (marriage builders) for (3-6-9-12) months � whole heartedly without expectation for any return because this relationship matters that much to me. If after I�ve done this for [X time frame] and my H is still not willing to meet me half way then I am going to withdraw my investment and invest it elsewhere, in a different relationship. I won�t be bitter because I�ll know I did everything I could.�

Tell us how things are going. Specifically I mean come back and report your plan. We�ll proof it and tell you if it passes muster. Then report your progress. We will coach you.

So� simplified to do list.
1)Identify your LoveBusters � tell us what they are.
a.If you don�t know what I�m talking about let me know. Make sure to buy and read LoveBusters ASAP.

2)Completely (COMPLETELY) eliminate your LoveBusters.
a.Report to us, daily if needed how you are doing. When I was doing this I kept my own �incident report�

3)Identify your husband�s top two emotional needs
a.Tell us what you think they are

4)Embrace them wholeheartedly (but not to the point of discomfort. Nothing you do should be unpleasant.)
a.Tell us what you�ve done to meet them this week and how it went.

Good luck. Some people can do marriage building like you are trying to do it, at home, no counselor, spouse not engaged, just your will power and intellect. It can be done. There are many such success stories here. Maybe you are one of them in the making. =)

There are some great coaches on this site. Come back and let them help you.

BWS

BWS71 #2450269 12/08/10 10:48 PM
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BWS, excellent post with great advice! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Though I'm not sure Marriage Builders will apply to my situation, I am going to get the book mentioned and His Needs, Her Needs to read and see if it can apply.


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Hopeful - A few other thoughts i had about your situation.

Was your husband ever in love with you? What are you doing differently now causing him not to be in love with you? You don't need to answer. Rhetorical question.

The reason your husband doesn't care about meeting your needs is because he is not in love with you. Your goal is NOT to change your husband's behavior. Impossible. Your goal is to change his feelings towards you by changing YOUR behavior. And your behavior is completely under your control.

Recognize that my post above has nothing to do with your husband at all. This is all about you creating the environment where he will be motivated to change. right now he has no personal motivation besides the occasional guilt trip.

Keep your mind open to the possibility him having an affair. If there is one, you will make little progress until the drug of it is removed. but don't be distracted from your primary mission - getting your husband to fall back in love with you such that he is super motivated to GIVE back to your marriage instead of take.


BWS71 #2450468 12/09/10 04:04 PM
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I am replying from work, so if I miss something or sound spacy let me know and I'll clarify. I work in an inbound call center, so I'm doing this between calls.

Originally Posted by BWS71
In Nov you said your H was committed to MB for 60 days. What happened?

Maybe I'm expecting too many changes, too quick?

Quote
Simple concept, difficult application.

Yes, it is.

Quote
1) *Completely stop all LoveBusters towards your husband.* It sounds like you guys abuse each other quite regularly. Cease and desist. Get and read the book LoveBusters � do this first. You will make no progress building your account in your husband�s bank until you stop making withdrawals.

I'm going to order the book tomorrow from the site - bought it on Ebay and it hasn't arrived yet. He and I went through the LB questionarre last month and he says I am guilty of SD, DJ, IB, and sometimes DH.

He feels like when I say "I Want X" that I'm making selfish demands - I feel like I'm asking him to do something. I guess it's how I say it that's making the difference.

I am very independent by nature, and with him out of town most of the time I have a tendency to just make decisions for 'us'. Sometimes these are things with his family (i.e. committing us to go to his neice's B-day party or buying tickets to something for us). He wants us to make these decisions together. And, when I think about it, he's right, and I've had issues with him committing he/us to things before. I

And, I am the queen of the southern little white lie. I also grew up the daughter of very protective, religous parents and I lied to protect myself for many, many years. So, I do have a habit of being less than truthful with many people. I try to be 100% honest with hubby, but he doubts that I am honest with him.

And, the DJ. I am guilty of that, too.

Quote
2) Take a masters course in understanding and meeting your husband�s emotional needs. Don�t disparage them as you seem to have done here. If his top need is domestic support, become domestic super woman. Imagine domestic support is his sex � he feels about domestic support the way you do about conversation, affection and sex. Treat his needs with the same dignity and respect as you do your own needs. Learn and meet his #2 top need as well. Maybe financial support? Sounds like it.

His top needs are RC, H&O, DS, FS, and FC. With H&O and FC as the top two.

My top needs are SF, Affection, Conversation, FS, and DS, with SF and Affection top two.

We read the first portion of the online article on radical honesty last night in bed and talked about it. He's very honest, sometimes brutally honest, and I am not. I need to work on meeting that need better. My life is open to him, he has all my passwords and pin codes (most of them are the same across the board, we use the same Vmail code, PIN# on our checking accounts). Some of my accounts auto login with both his laptop and our home PC. He worries about me having an affair, and has voiced this fear because of the amount he travels and my sex drive. I try to make sure that my life is open to him, and that he has access to all of my financial, email, phone, etc... records. As far as I know he's never looked at anything (facebook, email, etc...), but he has access. I have access to everything of his (including work email). He does not have access to my work email, but I have offered to log in from home so he can see what I have in my work email (it's all work stuff, imagine that! grin ). I can't auto login to that from home.

And, I don't know any better way to meet his need for FC. Financial support is important to him, and my horses are a huge drain and liability. As is our dog, who's being euthanized this weekend after attacking the neighbor's cat (another stressor for us).

Quote
Tell us how things are going. Specifically I mean come back and report your plan. We�ll proof it and tell you if it passes muster. Then report your progress. We will coach you.

I'm going to work on my plan next week while he's out of town. He'll be home Thursday, then we'll travel to our other residence for the weekend, and have all weekend together with no commitments other than buying Xmas gifts for family.

Quote
1)Identify your LoveBusters � tell us what they are.
a.If you don�t know what I�m talking about let me know. Make sure to buy and read LoveBusters ASAP.

I'm buying the book and going to print the questionarre for him to take with him to th hotel in two weeks. I think this is something we should do alone, without the other one nitpicking our answers. Next week we're both doing the emotional needs questionarre.

Quote
2)Completely (COMPLETELY) eliminate your LoveBusters.
a.Report to us, daily if needed how you are doing. When I was doing this I kept my own �incident report�

I think I'll try to put that in my journal. I journal most nights he's gone, and have a running list of things I love about him at the back of the book. Some of them are really corny, some are funny, some are very private, I offer this to him every weekend when he gets home, but he doesn't usually read it.

Quote
3)Identify your husband�s top two emotional needs
a.Tell us what you think they are

Money is very important to him, especially while we're struggling so hard and stretched so thin. Physical Attraction is very important to him (and I've gained 20lbs this year due to some health issues). RC is very important to Hubby - he loves to stargaze and I've been making some efforts to venture out to look at the stars, but it's been frigid here. We're making plans to go to the mountains for valentines days to do some stargazing. Hubby also likes to play video games and I've made an effort to watch him and play some (I suck and it's quite comical to watch for both of us).

Quote
4)Embrace them wholeheartedly (but not to the point of discomfort. Nothing you do should be unpleasant.)
a.Tell us what you�ve done to meet them this week and how it went.

Last night we played Scrabble, one of his favorite games, spent some time on the couch just talking, and then went to bed. He's going to our house tomorrow and I'm staying here this weekend to visit with my mom, so we won't have any time together this weekend. If it's clear next week I plan to go somewhere to do some good stargazing and do some shopping for our mutual present.

I had planned to dress up and cook dinner for him tonight, but I got offered o/t at work and I'm not going to get home until too late.

Thanks very much, I do appreciate the book. I'm going to give it 6 months of good hard work and see where we are. He's the only man I've ever dated, and I was 24 when we started dating. So, I've had a learning curve on how to be a good wife to him.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
BWS71 #2450481 12/09/10 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by BWS71
Was your husband ever in love with you? What are you doing differently now causing him not to be in love with you? You don't need to answer. Rhetorical question.

The reason your husband doesn't care about meeting your needs is because he is not in love with you. Your goal is NOT to change your husband's behavior. Impossible. Your goal is to change his feelings towards you by changing YOUR behavior. And your behavior is completely under your control.

Recognize that my post above has nothing to do with your husband at all. This is all about you creating the environment where he will be motivated to change. right now he has no personal motivation besides the occasional guilt trip.

Keep your mind open to the possibility him having an affair. If there is one, you will make little progress until the drug of it is removed. but don't be distracted from your primary mission - getting your husband to fall back in love with you such that he is super motivated to GIVE back to your marriage instead of take.

I don't believe he is having an affair; there is no evidence in our phone records, his car, checking/credit accounts, he's always available, he invites me to randonly show up at work when he's close enough for me to drive out in the middle of the week.

I think his view of marriage is not the same as mine; he's older than I am by years and wanted to settle down and get married, and we had nothing in common, but in the beginning we went out of the way to make the other one happy, then that slowly tapered off. Now, it's a rare thing when we do something that the other one solely wants to do. His parents had *no* relationship and I don't believe they liked each other, either.

His previous LTR was with a WW who was cheating on her husband and he ended the relationship when he found out she was married. He was badly hurt by this and I feel like for a long time we've both had one foot out the door, just waiting on some reason to leave. However, when I made a life long commitment to him I meant it and I want to fix this and make it work - we've had terrible screaming fights the past few weeks over the dog, the horses, and our finances.

He's very change resistant and if I say I'm going to do X he expects it. I'm more go with the flow and as long as it happens, so be it. He holds me to my word about simple stuff like what I'm making for dinner, how much/how I'm giving him money for the month, what our plans are, and it's made me very hesitant to committ to things with him because I'm held to them no matter what.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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HopefulNC - I'm really encouraged by all that you have posted! You are definitely in the right place and at the right time. Things are bad enough in your relationship that you are motivated to make some serious (and difficult) changes - but things aren't SO bad that you've fallen totally out of love with each other. This is a great place to be for Marriage Building.

I may take a few days to process your post and respond. But let me say this so far

Go Slow. I think you may be biting off too much at once. It took you and your H YEARS to develop the dysfunctional habits and personality traits that are ruining your love for each other. It is going to take some time and some effort to unlearn all that and learn new and better ways of doing things. Don�t rush and don�t get discouraged. Take pride in the smallest victories. Be prepared for occasional set backs. You are attempting to do some of the hardest work humans can do � change themselves. Most other tasks are easy in comparison.
Get and read �Love Busters,� �His Needs Her Needs� and �Fall In Love, Stay In Love.� I realize this will cost around $50. But if you read and follow the advice in these books it will be the best $50 you�ll ever spend. The website is good� but the books are WAY more detailed. Without having the Big Picture in mind that you get from the books you are more likely to misunderstand some aspects of what you read on the website and actually cause more damage.
Here are your �Your Prime Directives� Consider writing these down and posting them somewhere.

1) STOP love busting.
a. I think you guys have LOTS of work to do here =) Good. This is super high-yield
2) Understand and meet your H�s top TWO ENs.
a. I think you are focusing too broadly. Harley recommends only focusing on your spouses top two ENs as it is difficult to really meet more than that.

Help your husband do the same for you to the extent he is willing and interested. But do not pester, beg, cajole or guilt him. Make clear, respectful requests and leave it at that.

Keep going. It seems you are really heading in the right direction!

BWS

BWS71 #2451129 12/10/10 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by BWS71
Get and read �Love Busters,� �His Needs Her Needs� and �Fall In Love, Stay In Love.� I realize this will cost around $50. But if you read and follow the advice in these books it will be the best $50 you�ll ever spend. The website is good� but the books are WAY more detailed. Without having the Big Picture in mind that you get from the books you are more likely to misunderstand some aspects of what you read on the website and actually cause more damage.

Very helpful post. I've been trying to apply what I have learned from the website only, so maybe I need the books.

But the website said you should not spring these on your spouse and you needed their enthusiasic agreement. Otherwise they will think you are trying to control them and reject the idea. Did that apply only to the on line course or to the books as well?

Also, do you recommend 5 Steps to Romantic Love?

4hope #2451404 12/11/10 10:00 PM
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Books are ordered!

I was thinking today about all the good things my husband does. He's very physically affectionate - not SF, but he likes to have hold hands, or have a hand on my leg, his arm around my shoulders, it's rare that we're not touching, if we're together. He is pitching in more around the house lately.

Now that I've caught up on my sleep and processed my week I don't want to leave and I'm back to being glad I have him in my life.

We do need to work on our relationship and I'm excited to do the MB program. He is as well. However, I know that with my work schedule (lots, lots, lots of overtime, which we desperately NEED and WANT) that it's going to be hard to schedule our time together. We'll have to work at it and make time, but I know that's going to be an issue for us in the coming months.



Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Hopeful - sounds great. Glad you are feeling better about things. There is a danger in falling back in to status quo after a wake up call like you've had. Don't let that happen.

Understanding and applying the MB program can be a challenging but life changing experience. Keep sharing your progress and your set backs on this board. It is great to hear about people making headway.

BWS71 #2451844 12/13/10 01:40 PM
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I don't want to slip back into the status quo, but after sleep, food, and some time to process last week ( and two days with hubby smile ) I'm much more motivated to work on things. We're headed down a road that I'm not happy with, but I am still in love with him and I am confident that he still loves me.

My mom spent the weekend with me and hubby went to our house, so I only had two nights with hubby last week. We spent a lot of time talking and making plans for the next couple of month, just hanging out, and had some SF. Thursday night I had to work late and needed to do housework, so when we got home hubby asked if he didn't get any time since we were trying to get 20 hours in in 2 days with me working 11 hour days (didn't happen... oops). I told him I'd give him 15 minutes before I got up off the couch to work, and he cuddled me up next to him under the blankets and told me how much he appreciated me doing everything I did on Monday and overall in our lives, that he's sorry for not being more affirmitive of the things I do for us. It really brought tears to my eyes. Housework didn't get done (my mother is well aware I'm not a domestic goddess, the dishes in the sink weren't hurting anyone), but I did have some great quality time with hubby, some SF, and spent 3 hours laying in bed talking about the next year and things we want to change/work on.

Since FS is very important to him we've agreed to take half my overtime and pay off debt - first the little CC we use, 2nd the loans to our parents, and third the car/house. We are also planning a pretty spectacular vacation in May for us that we'll both really enjoy. One of my horse's will hopefully lease this weekend with a year contract and our health insurance is going down next month. This is making a big difference in his stress level right now.

O&H is his top emotional need - and we're going to work on that one as well. I agreed to the PORH between us, no one else is getting that level of honesty from me, and that bothers him. I see this as his problem and not mine, I don't owe the rest of the world 100% honesty.

I told him honestly that the DS front is going to be lacking for the next 4 months. I'm working O/T and it's just not happening. I'm working weekends and I'll be missing some family functions, so there's the FC I'm not meeting.

I've also gone on a diet to lose the 30lbs I've gained in the last 18 months and told him I'd shave every day, quit schleping around the house in his jeans and flannel shirts, and generally pay a bit more attention to my appearance, even when we're home alone.

So what do you think?


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2007
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I really like it. Sounds like you guys are moving in a great direction. I liked that you were honest about what you felt you could/couldn't do in the DS department.

What I'm not clear on - what are your H's top two ENs? Maybe you said earlier but you seem to be trying to hit all 5 and not focus on 1 and 2. I'll tell you that Harley specifically advises against trying to spread yourself too thin over all the ENs and to focus on the big ticket items in need #1 and #2.

Other than that I like your plan. Keep us posted.

BWS71 #2451992 12/13/10 08:05 PM
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As someone who also has O&H as a top need, I can tell you it bothers me when he is dishonest with others as well as with me, and on about the same level. And the reason why is: what it says about a person's character. O&H is, to me, about a person's integrity, and when I see someone lacking integrity, even when it is not directed toward me, it affects the way I feel about them.

Just some fyi into why it may bother your H.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2452220 12/14/10 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by CWMI
As someone who also has O&H as a top need, I can tell you it bothers me when he is dishonest with others as well as with me, and on about the same level. And the reason why is: what it says about a person's character. O&H is, to me, about a person's integrity, and when I see someone lacking integrity, even when it is not directed toward me, it affects the way I feel about them.

Just some fyi into why it may bother your H.

I've never thought about it that way, thank you for the insight.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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