I need a bit of help from you guys on how best to go about this.

I need to approach my H soon about a subject that he is VERY defensive about - money. He is very much the kind of man who wants to work and have me stay home with the children. It's a pride thing for him (he said this himself). That's fine, we agreed to that, and we're both fine with it.

The problem is that his money management has not gone as well as he wanted me to believe. And he believes he's doing fine. But we're not. I've sat down with the paperwork and we have a variety of problems, primarily being house poor and outrageous car payments for a vehicle that is unnecessary. There are other minor details but these are the major ones (ie. the mortgage and the car payment - not incl. taxes, utilities, gas, insurance, etc... is 65% of our net income! Outrageous).

So, over the years, I have respected his wishes to do the money management but it's time that something changes. I do not like having to stay home every day, all day, with our son because we "can't afford" to go to $2 mother/baby group yet spend $1500 for a $50,000 van that sits in the driveway. That I can't afford gas for.

But how on earth do I talk to him?? He gets so upset at the thought that he 'cannot provide' for us (he can - but not on our previous DINK salary).

Help I am willing to go back to work but he does not want me to, he wants me to stay home. We can't have both.

I would try to approach it from what you are enthusiastic about, rather than what he is or is not doing. If you are no longer enthusiastic about staying at home all day, that is your starting point. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, and in fact getting into those reasons might be a distraction and certainly a LB if you bring it round to his dismal money management.

You likely are not going to be able to avoid his negative reaction. Expect it. The only thing you can do is voice your complaints very respectfully. Be prepared for this to take a long time. Also, be careful about stating things as "You think we're fine. But we're not." Instead, it should be "I'm not enthusiastic about how our money is being allocated to things. It's making me very unhappy. Can we brainstorm some alternatives?"

Perhaps write to Dr. Harley and get his advice.

Oh, and "Ugh". This sounds like an awful situation.

Are you in a position to sell the house and the van? Are you 'upside down' in either of them? If you can safely get out from under them, and downsize into something more affordable, I suggest coming up with some alternatives before approaching him. Like find a less expensive house nearby that still suits your needs, and a vehicle that you'd rather have.

Then sell him on those. That way he is providing you what you want. <<ego boost. "I don't like maintaining this big old house. I feel like I'm banging around in an echo chamber. I found a nice little cottage on a quiet street that looks like it has plenty of room, can we go check it out?"

"I saw a Kia today, I really like those. I was looking online and the dealership is right over in Nexttown, how about if we see if we can trade that van in for something that I will really use? They're so cute! Great gas mileage, too."

Did you two POJA the purchase of your current house and vehicle? Make sure you POJA purchases, and that way if you get into financial straits, it's not one person's 'fault', okay? That way, in the future, you can approach these with an easy, "I think we made a mistake."

Thanks Kerala. I will approach him tonight once kiddo is in bed and use the verbal techniques you have offered. I need to be careful not to LB.

Thanks CWMI. I *personally* feel we could sell the house and car and downsize more, but he doesn't think so. We bought this house recently (same with the van) and they were purchases POJA'd made on our DINK income (we now have 2 under 2... whoops!).

The van will be paid off in 11 months. We could do just fine if I worked part-time, which I am willing to do, but he is not happy that I would be working (he really wants me to be 'supported' fully by him).

I think it might be an ego thing, he is so kind and wants me to be home for the little ones, I think our poor joint POJA was a problem

Ok so we had a chat.

The main problem here is (drumroll) poor communication. Him having access to all the paperwork, me not having it and leaving him to do it. We have set up internet banking so I have access to all accounts along with the paper bills that I have at home. I was always joint/open access but I don't speak the local language so I couldn't just "go" to the bank and get info.

There were a variety of issues, some are his, some are mine. Either way, it seems to be okay. The van will be paid off completely in 11 months and since we have no other debt, he was putting all that debt money INTO the car, so it was just 'hidden' but still accounted for. The housing budget is tight but since we spend way less on stuff like restaurants and vacations, it was factored into that until I was ready to work again.

We've sat down by the numbers and I'm greatly reassured. We have agreed to cut some services that are unused/wasted.

Thank you for the ideas on how to approach, I think he did not feel attacked at all, just that he wasn't giving me the clear picture that I needed. I also explained to him that my problem of being bored/feeling 'stuck' in the house was to blame for our sky-high grocery bill (I got bored and would grocery shop for no reason, which felt like a 'proper' expense), and that if I had a budget of just $5-10/week to take the toddler out & about, it would reduce boredom shopping disgusted as a necessity!!!

That's great!

Alis, I didn't hear mention of the POJA approach. Have you and your husband talked about this way of coming to agreements?

opt

Thanks Optimism.

Yes, we did POJA the going back to work issue (he knows of POJA in general). We both agreed that with a new baby coming in 2 months, we were going to take a financial hit until the baby is a few months old and then I am going to work part-time. I have a teacher's degree so I can do this online (Skype) from home while the kids are in bed, and that means I am still "at home" (which he wants) but satisfied our needs for a little financial boost (my need to work a little).

That's great alis. I didn't want to assume anything.

I would just point out for your benefit, and my own as well, that using POJA for the smallest things on a daily basis makes using it for the major sitautions (like the ones you describe above) so much more natural.

[I haven't tried the exercise of poja'ing the grocery list yet, but it makes sense.] We could all benefit from perfecting that approach, no?

It sounds like you and your DH have safe negotiation strategies with each other.

opt

I wish my husband was more like yours. He doesnt think he should be the provider and that I should work. GOod luck with your issue. Sorry I dont have any advice.