Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
I need a bit of help from you guys on how best to go about this.

I need to approach my H soon about a subject that he is VERY defensive about - money. He is very much the kind of man who wants to work and have me stay home with the children. It's a pride thing for him (he said this himself). That's fine, we agreed to that, and we're both fine with it.

The problem is that his money management has not gone as well as he wanted me to believe. And he believes he's doing fine. But we're not. I've sat down with the paperwork and we have a variety of problems, primarily being house poor and outrageous car payments for a vehicle that is unnecessary. There are other minor details but these are the major ones (ie. the mortgage and the car payment - not incl. taxes, utilities, gas, insurance, etc... is 65% of our net income! Outrageous).

So, over the years, I have respected his wishes to do the money management but it's time that something changes. I do not like having to stay home every day, all day, with our son because we "can't afford" to go to $2 mother/baby group yet spend $1500 for a $50,000 van that sits in the driveway. That I can't afford gas for.

But how on earth do I talk to him?? He gets so upset at the thought that he 'cannot provide' for us (he can - but not on our previous DINK salary).

Help frown I am willing to go back to work but he does not want me to, he wants me to stay home. We can't have both.

Last edited by alis; 07/18/12 05:26 AM.
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
I would try to approach it from what you are enthusiastic about, rather than what he is or is not doing. If you are no longer enthusiastic about staying at home all day, that is your starting point. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, and in fact getting into those reasons might be a distraction and certainly a LB if you bring it round to his dismal money management.

You likely are not going to be able to avoid his negative reaction. Expect it. The only thing you can do is voice your complaints very respectfully. Be prepared for this to take a long time. Also, be careful about stating things as "You think we're fine. But we're not." Instead, it should be "I'm not enthusiastic about how our money is being allocated to things. It's making me very unhappy. Can we brainstorm some alternatives?"

Perhaps write to Dr. Harley and get his advice.

Oh, and "Ugh". This sounds like an awful situation.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Are you in a position to sell the house and the van? Are you 'upside down' in either of them? If you can safely get out from under them, and downsize into something more affordable, I suggest coming up with some alternatives before approaching him. Like find a less expensive house nearby that still suits your needs, and a vehicle that you'd rather have.

Then sell him on those. That way he is providing you what you want. <<ego boost. "I don't like maintaining this big old house. I feel like I'm banging around in an echo chamber. I found a nice little cottage on a quiet street that looks like it has plenty of room, can we go check it out?"

"I saw a Kia today, I really like those. I was looking online and the dealership is right over in Nexttown, how about if we see if we can trade that van in for something that I will really use? They're so cute! Great gas mileage, too."

Did you two POJA the purchase of your current house and vehicle? Make sure you POJA purchases, and that way if you get into financial straits, it's not one person's 'fault', okay? That way, in the future, you can approach these with an easy, "I think we made a mistake."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Originally Posted by kerala
I would try to approach it from what you are enthusiastic about, rather than what he is or is not doing. If you are no longer enthusiastic about staying at home all day, that is your starting point. It doesn't really matter what the reason is, and in fact getting into those reasons might be a distraction and certainly a LB if you bring it round to his dismal money management.

You likely are not going to be able to avoid his negative reaction. Expect it. The only thing you can do is voice your complaints very respectfully. Be prepared for this to take a long time. Also, be careful about stating things as "You think we're fine. But we're not." Instead, it should be "I'm not enthusiastic about how our money is being allocated to things. It's making me very unhappy. Can we brainstorm some alternatives?"

Perhaps write to Dr. Harley and get his advice.

Oh, and "Ugh". This sounds like an awful situation.

Thanks Kerala. I will approach him tonight once kiddo is in bed and use the verbal techniques you have offered. I need to be careful not to LB.

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Originally Posted by CWMI
Are you in a position to sell the house and the van? Are you 'upside down' in either of them? If you can safely get out from under them, and downsize into something more affordable, I suggest coming up with some alternatives before approaching him. Like find a less expensive house nearby that still suits your needs, and a vehicle that you'd rather have.

Then sell him on those. That way he is providing you what you want. <<ego boost. "I don't like maintaining this big old house. I feel like I'm banging around in an echo chamber. I found a nice little cottage on a quiet street that looks like it has plenty of room, can we go check it out?"

"I saw a Kia today, I really like those. I was looking online and the dealership is right over in Nexttown, how about if we see if we can trade that van in for something that I will really use? They're so cute! Great gas mileage, too."

Did you two POJA the purchase of your current house and vehicle? Make sure you POJA purchases, and that way if you get into financial straits, it's not one person's 'fault', okay? That way, in the future, you can approach these with an easy, "I think we made a mistake."

Thanks CWMI. I *personally* feel we could sell the house and car and downsize more, but he doesn't think so. We bought this house recently (same with the van) and they were purchases POJA'd made on our DINK income (we now have 2 under 2... whoops!).

The van will be paid off in 11 months. We could do just fine if I worked part-time, which I am willing to do, but he is not happy that I would be working (he really wants me to be 'supported' fully by him).

I think it might be an ego thing, he is so kind and wants me to be home for the little ones, I think our poor joint POJA was a problem

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Ok so we had a chat.

The main problem here is (drumroll) poor communication. Him having access to all the paperwork, me not having it and leaving him to do it. We have set up internet banking so I have access to all accounts along with the paper bills that I have at home. I was always joint/open access but I don't speak the local language so I couldn't just "go" to the bank and get info.

There were a variety of issues, some are his, some are mine. Either way, it seems to be okay. The van will be paid off completely in 11 months and since we have no other debt, he was putting all that debt money INTO the car, so it was just 'hidden' but still accounted for. The housing budget is tight but since we spend way less on stuff like restaurants and vacations, it was factored into that until I was ready to work again.

We've sat down by the numbers and I'm greatly reassured. We have agreed to cut some services that are unused/wasted.

Thank you for the ideas on how to approach, I think he did not feel attacked at all, just that he wasn't giving me the clear picture that I needed. I also explained to him that my problem of being bored/feeling 'stuck' in the house was to blame for our sky-high grocery bill (I got bored and would grocery shop for no reason, which felt like a 'proper' expense), and that if I had a budget of just $5-10/week to take the toddler out & about, it would reduce boredom shopping disgusted as a necessity!!!

Last edited by alis; 07/19/12 11:42 AM.
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 571
That's great!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Alis, I didn't hear mention of the POJA approach. Have you and your husband talked about this way of coming to agreements?

opt

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Thanks Optimism.

Yes, we did POJA the going back to work issue (he knows of POJA in general). We both agreed that with a new baby coming in 2 months, we were going to take a financial hit until the baby is a few months old and then I am going to work part-time. I have a teacher's degree so I can do this online (Skype) from home while the kids are in bed, and that means I am still "at home" (which he wants) but satisfied our needs for a little financial boost (my need to work a little).



Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
That's great alis. I didn't want to assume anything.

I would just point out for your benefit, and my own as well, that using POJA for the smallest things on a daily basis makes using it for the major sitautions (like the ones you describe above) so much more natural.

[I haven't tried the exercise of poja'ing the grocery list yet, but it makes sense.] We could all benefit from perfecting that approach, no?

It sounds like you and your DH have safe negotiation strategies with each other.

opt

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 51
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by alis
I need a bit of help from you guys on how best to go about this.

I need to approach my H soon about a subject that he is VERY defensive about - money. He is very much the kind of man who wants to work and have me stay home with the children. It's a pride thing for him (he said this himself). That's fine, we agreed to that, and we're both fine with it.

The problem is that his money management has not gone as well as he wanted me to believe. And he believes he's doing fine. But we're not. I've sat down with the paperwork and we have a variety of problems, primarily being house poor and outrageous car payments for a vehicle that is unnecessary. There are other minor details but these are the major ones (ie. the mortgage and the car payment - not incl. taxes, utilities, gas, insurance, etc... is 65% of our net income! Outrageous).

So, over the years, I have respected his wishes to do the money management but it's time that something changes. I do not like having to stay home every day, all day, with our son because we "can't afford" to go to $2 mother/baby group yet spend $1500 for a $50,000 van that sits in the driveway. That I can't afford gas for.

But how on earth do I talk to him?? He gets so upset at the thought that he 'cannot provide' for us (he can - but not on our previous DINK salary).

Help frown I am willing to go back to work but he does not want me to, he wants me to stay home. We can't have both.


I wish my husband was more like yours. He doesnt think he should be the provider and that I should work. GOod luck with your issue. Sorry I dont have any advice.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 56 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5