We Were Too Young? - 04/08/13 05:12 PM
I've been reading through most of Dr. Harley's advice. So here's the background info: My husband and I got married after dating for six months - three of those months he was at bootcamp. It was pretty much get married or break-up at that point. In retrospect probably not the best decision. At the time we were 18 and 19. Three years ago. After we got married I got pregnant right away and my husband had 4 more months of training during which we could talk on the phone sometimes, but only saw each other twice. When he was done with that training we were stationed 7 hours away from where our families were.
Within a week or two of moving down there I realized he was secretly watching porn. I told him I was absolutely not okay with that. At that point his job still kept him away most of the time. Two weeks after I gave birth he had to go to training for five weeks on the other side of the country. Some time after he got back I found out he was again watching porn and secretly talking to an old female friend from high school who he kept under a guy's name in his phone.
After that we started going to marriage counseling. The counselor basically said I was overreacting, that he needed more freedom, sex, and privacy. After a while we just stopped going because it wasn't helping. At this time I was going through postpartum psychosis so I was having substantial memory loss. I saw a doctor for this who told me since my daughter was over six months that it wasn't postpartum related anymore (which I never believed, but really gave up looking for help). We started seeing another therapist who again told me his porn issues were my fault for not having sex with him enough. By now I had absolutely no trust for him and half the time could barely remember who I was even married to because of the depression and memory loss. I can't remember a lot of what happened, but I know there were a lot of arguments and he was gone a lot.
So this past summer he got a medical separation for anxiety and asthma that he developed during training. We moved back to our home town in June. Shortly after, both my great grandparents died and we had to have a cat I had since middle school put to sleep for congestive heart failure. Around this time I noticed he was looking up old female friends on Facebook and looking at pictures of girls about as naked as they could be on Facebook without getting kicked off. At this time we had a porn-blocker but I guess it didn't recognize it on FB.
Around this time I also had a miscarriage (possibly from all the stress of moving, financial issues, the other deaths, etc). This is when I decided to read "His Needs, Her Needs" I took the porn blocker off since he said it made him feel like I was controlling him. But it still records the history and he cannot delete it.
So here we are now, I'm 4 months pregnant again. And he comes to me saying he was too young to get married and he should be allowed to watch porn and have female friends if he wants to because there's nothing wrong with it. So I started looking for something by Dr. Harley saying these things are not okay. I found what I was looking for, but my husband is clearly not convinced. He has a history of saying he agrees with something even if he doesn't, which makes trusting him impossible.
Basically we're to where he's saying he'll stay because people will think bad of him for leaving and it would be too expensive financially and bad for our kids. But I don't what him to stay because he thinks he has to. Because that's also not fair. It's like he wants to stay because it's easier to sneak around behind my back than it is to start over and pay child support.
After a couple days of arguing about this he said it wasn't having a family he didn't like (i.e. our kids), it's just me because I'm always in a bad mood. But I feel like this amounts to him not wanting me to get upset about any of the things he screws up - basically keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever.
He's read most of the same stuff by Dr. Harley that I have. But I don't think he is really enthusiastic about actually doing any of it. I've tried meeting his needs, but he isn't honest about what he wants. And eventually I needs my needs met too. So I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't think I can trust him as long as he believes porn and female friends aren't a problem and as long as he keeps lying to me (about anything). Therapy is just making it worse.
Within a week or two of moving down there I realized he was secretly watching porn. I told him I was absolutely not okay with that. At that point his job still kept him away most of the time. Two weeks after I gave birth he had to go to training for five weeks on the other side of the country. Some time after he got back I found out he was again watching porn and secretly talking to an old female friend from high school who he kept under a guy's name in his phone.
After that we started going to marriage counseling. The counselor basically said I was overreacting, that he needed more freedom, sex, and privacy. After a while we just stopped going because it wasn't helping. At this time I was going through postpartum psychosis so I was having substantial memory loss. I saw a doctor for this who told me since my daughter was over six months that it wasn't postpartum related anymore (which I never believed, but really gave up looking for help). We started seeing another therapist who again told me his porn issues were my fault for not having sex with him enough. By now I had absolutely no trust for him and half the time could barely remember who I was even married to because of the depression and memory loss. I can't remember a lot of what happened, but I know there were a lot of arguments and he was gone a lot.
So this past summer he got a medical separation for anxiety and asthma that he developed during training. We moved back to our home town in June. Shortly after, both my great grandparents died and we had to have a cat I had since middle school put to sleep for congestive heart failure. Around this time I noticed he was looking up old female friends on Facebook and looking at pictures of girls about as naked as they could be on Facebook without getting kicked off. At this time we had a porn-blocker but I guess it didn't recognize it on FB.
Around this time I also had a miscarriage (possibly from all the stress of moving, financial issues, the other deaths, etc). This is when I decided to read "His Needs, Her Needs" I took the porn blocker off since he said it made him feel like I was controlling him. But it still records the history and he cannot delete it.
So here we are now, I'm 4 months pregnant again. And he comes to me saying he was too young to get married and he should be allowed to watch porn and have female friends if he wants to because there's nothing wrong with it. So I started looking for something by Dr. Harley saying these things are not okay. I found what I was looking for, but my husband is clearly not convinced. He has a history of saying he agrees with something even if he doesn't, which makes trusting him impossible.
Basically we're to where he's saying he'll stay because people will think bad of him for leaving and it would be too expensive financially and bad for our kids. But I don't what him to stay because he thinks he has to. Because that's also not fair. It's like he wants to stay because it's easier to sneak around behind my back than it is to start over and pay child support.
After a couple days of arguing about this he said it wasn't having a family he didn't like (i.e. our kids), it's just me because I'm always in a bad mood. But I feel like this amounts to him not wanting me to get upset about any of the things he screws up - basically keep my mouth shut and let him do whatever.
He's read most of the same stuff by Dr. Harley that I have. But I don't think he is really enthusiastic about actually doing any of it. I've tried meeting his needs, but he isn't honest about what he wants. And eventually I needs my needs met too. So I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't think I can trust him as long as he believes porn and female friends aren't a problem and as long as he keeps lying to me (about anything). Therapy is just making it worse.