Can someone please explain to me the difference between the 5 steps workbook and the online program? I know some of you have said the online program takes a year but the workbook doesn't look like it would take very long to get through.
H has agreed to look at the workbook with me but it seems (to me) the online program would be better. Believe me, I am happy to start with the workbook but I want to be able to continue to encourage the online program. I don't know what to tell him as to why it's better (and worth $1000).
You have accountability w/a coach and access to ask Dr Harley questions on a special forum.
The workbook was created by Dr. Harley to use in conjunction with the books HNHN and LB. If you and your H have the discipline and motivation to work through these materials on your own, then you're fine with just these. First, you and your H would fill out the "Marital Problems Analysis" --- >
Here and then you'd start on your most serious problems, working though until you've covered everything.
The Online Seminar uses those materials as well, but adds a very helpful video series of his Marriage Builder conference lectures. There's also a CD audio series of the books that can be listened to. A coach helps you with setting up the problems to cover first as well as with any questions you might have. A weekly email ensures that the lessons have been covered and UA time is occurring.
One of the best parts of the Online Seminar is having access to Dr. Harley on the private forum. You can look through all the questions that have been asked and answered as well.
We just could not seem to push ourselves to complete the lessons on our own and that's why we signed up for the Online Seminar. It was very motivating and incredibly helpful. It's much more comprehensive than buying the workbook.
It doesn't HAVE to take a year, but you get a year of coaching for the money. It took us just six months to get through the materials, but we have no children at home, lived on a remote island at the time, and my H had a 40-hour work week and lived a quarter mile from work.
After the year is up, you will still have lifetime access to the private forum.
I know some of you have said the online program takes a year but the workbook doesn't look like it would take very long to get through.
I smiled a little at this because at our current pace, it's taking us at least a year to get through. I guess it depends on what your issues are and how quickly you can develop new habits to correct them.
H has agreed to look at the workbook with me but it seems (to me) the online program would be better. Believe me, I am happy to start with the workbook but I want to be able to continue to encourage the online program. I don't know what to tell him as to why it's better (and worth $1000).
After being in the program, I honestly don't see how they do it for as little as $1000 to be honest.
One reason it might take longer is if one or both of you is uncooperative, or takes longer to resolve specific problems. For example, the hope is that you will eliminate disrespectful judgments in 1-4 weeks. But if like me you take longer at it, your pace might have to be adjusted.
One reason it might take longer is if one or both of you is uncooperative, or takes longer to resolve specific problems. For example, the hope is that you will eliminate disrespectful judgments in 1-4 weeks. But if like me you take longer at it, your pace might have to be adjusted.
The rate we were going for a little while was 1 lesson every 6 months. But we were particularly tough nuts to crack, I think
Well considering it has taken my H 6 months just to agree to the workbook I have a feeling we will struggle on our own. And we have HUGE problems to resolve. I gave him an ultimatum this morning...things have to change or he needs to leave.
Well considering it has taken my H 6 months just to agree to the workbook I have a feeling we will struggle on our own. And we have HUGE problems to resolve. I gave him an ultimatum this morning...things have to change or he needs to leave.
You really need to be in the online program then. You would have the direct guidance of a MB coach and the supervision of Dr. Harley. It is worth much, much more than what they charge. My DH and I went through it in 2007 and it really made an amazing difference. Once you learn new habits, you just build on those year after year and your marriage gets better and better.
Thank you! Very helpful info.
Next question...can time spent working on the program count toward UA time? I think I have read here that UA time should be fun and not include "relationship talk"?
Thank you! Very helpful info.
Next question...can time spent working on the program count toward UA time? I think I have read here that UA time should be fun and not include "relationship talk"?
Dr Harley recently told a woman that she shouldn't spend her UA time "working on your marriage." He said "WHO WANTS TO DO THAT??"
On the other hand, I know of times he has told couples they could use their UA time this way, so maybe some recent clients can answer that.
Thank you! Very helpful info.
Next question...can time spent working on the program count toward UA time? I think I have read here that UA time should be fun and not include "relationship talk"?
Dr Harley recently told a woman that she shouldn't spend her UA time "working on your marriage." He said "WHO WANTS TO DO THAT??"
On the other hand, I know of times he has told couples they could use their UA time this way, so maybe some recent clients can answer that.
We were told that we could count the lesson time towards UA. We did, however I hated doing so.
We counted our lessons as UA time. We worked on them cuddled up on the couch and then often raced upstairs to our bedroom. And then we counted that time as well.
AM
We are also told that working on the lessons can be counted towards UA time. For us, it does work out that way, but I can see it not being enjoyable depending on the topic.
When we worked on the LB sections, it was often not very enjoyable. We kept the time spent nightly on those lessons pretty short, no more than a half hour, and did not count them as UA time. We'd sit together on the couch and read aloud for a page or two, discuss, and move to something else that was more enjoyable.
We did the worksheet pages from LB in the same way, just a half hour or so, and we stopped when one of us asked to.
However, HNHN was more enjoyable, and we could easily spend more time on that. We might read an hour together, perhaps completing one entire chapter if we both were enjoying it. We'd work the Five Steps in the same way.
We counted the pleasant hours of HNHN studies toward UA time.
I think it was enjoyable for us because we focused on how to make each other happier in life and in our marriage. Even when we did the LB lessons, we focused on the present and future and not "Well, you did this." And "Oh yeah, but you did that.". It was all about how both of us could be happier.
AM
I think it was enjoyable for us because we focused on how to make each other happier in life and in our marriage. Even when we did the LB lessons, we focused on the present and future and not "Well, you did this." And "Oh yeah, but you did that.". It was all about how both of us could be happier.
AM
Yeah, well....that's not quite how I handled it, unfortunately.
I was awful about bringing up the past at first. I finally decided to work with our coach on using the Conversation worksheet and track my frequent slips into the past. I also enlisted the help of my husband and gave him a very specific phrase to use when I did that big love buster. He agreed to always be gentle and tell me that he was sorry for his mistakes of the past but that we needed to stick with the plan and not discuss it.
Amazingly, when I had to track my mistakes, I was more aware of them and was able to reduce the times I brought up the past. My H was of great help to me with this, too, since he did as I asked him to help me.
Talking about the past always made us both miserable, but it's amazing how much discipline it required for me to end it once and for all.
Oh, I was the same way. We struggled for a couple of years trying to work the at home program ourselves. H was still a liar and I excelled with the DJs. After we attended the MB weekend in Jan 2010, we both stopped those behaviors. It was really hard for me to just shut up about the past. It was so hurtful, but as you note, talking about it just prolonged the pain. Once we started to focus on the present and future, all of our conversations, to include working on MB lessons, were enjoyable. We both realized that our goal was to make each other happy, not make each other miserable talking about past mistakes/behavior. Dr. Harley is SO sensible.
AM
Thank you for all of your input. It is both encouraging and discouraging...I just have to realize we have a long, probably slow road ahead of us. I will have to set my expectations accordingly.
Recovery takes about two - five years. It's a pain to have to slog though, but the successful results are worth the effort. And, if followed correctly, further affairs are virtually impossible.
My marriage is now better than it has ever been. It's safer, more passionate, and more caring.
Try to not think of how long it's going to take. Eventually, you'll get there and think with amazement that the resentment is gone. It's kind of unbelievable, isn't it?
Ok one more question before I jump into it this weekend. The 5 steps manual starts with lovebusters. Someone here mentioned the marital problem analysis which I didn't see in the 5 steps book. Where exactly do we start?
You start with the Marital Problem Analysis >>>
Here Our very first lesson was to fill out the Memorandum of Agreement, then the Personal History Questionnaire. We also had to start working on the UA worksheet, because the program doesn't work without those UA hours.
Will you be doing the program on your own?
I would love to do the online program but H just isn't convinced. I'm hoping once we start he'll change his mind. But already I am seeing a big difference between what you are telling me and what I see in the workbook so idk how well it will work out.
sorry to t/j, looks like they don't have the MB weekend anymore?
I would love to do the online program but H just isn't convinced. I'm hoping once we start he'll change his mind. But already I am seeing a big difference between what you are telling me and what I see in the workbook so idk how well it will work out.
The workbook consists of all the worksheets for the program. It's a part of the whole program. The worksheets allow each spouse to pinpoint and focus in on the problem areas and define each step. The Five Steps workbook is very helpful for this. At the back of the book is the UA worksheet.
But the first thing is to agree on certain steps and the way to live out your marriage (The Memorandum of Agreement) and learn about each others histories.
What I'm telling you is how the Five Steps workbook fits into the overall program. Make sense?
sorry to t/j, looks like they don't have the MB weekend anymore?
No, it's the Online Seminar now. And actually the Online version is basically the weekend seminar lectures that were recorded. You are supposed to listen to all the lectures over a weekend, just like when people showed up for the MB Weekend. After the lectures, you start in on the lessons and have accountability through a coach for a year.
It seems much more convenient as the Online program, because the couple doesn't have fly out to the site, book hotels, find babysitting. You do it all from your own home.
It seems much more convenient as the Online program, because the couple doesn't have fly out to the site, book hotels, find babysitting. You do it all from your own home.
But getting away for the weekend to a hotel was part of the fun with the MB Weekend. It's the only way Markos got me to agree to start marriage builders -- he promised a hotel stay away from the kids, and a day of shopping after the seminar!
I would suggest that a couple still get a babysitter and go away for the weekend, even if it's to a nearby hotel ...
It seems much more convenient as the Online program, because the couple doesn't have fly out to the site, book hotels, find babysitting. You do it all from your own home.
But getting away for the weekend to a hotel was part of the fun with the MB Weekend. It's the only way Markos got me to agree to start marriage builders -- he promised a hotel stay away from the kids, and a day of shopping after the seminar!
I would suggest that a couple still get a babysitter and go away for the weekend, even if it's to a nearby hotel ...
Good point, Prisca! I guess it depends on each couple. Since the Harleys are no longer doing the Weekend Seminar, it would be a great idea for the couple to get away for the weekend to view the online lectures and start the program. Getting away from the home is especially important if a couple has children or a lot of distractions. It would make the weekend very enjoyable.
sorry to t/j, looks like they don't have the MB weekend anymore?
No, it's the Online Seminar now. And actually the Online version is basically the weekend seminar lectures that were recorded. You are supposed to listen to all the lectures over a weekend, just like when people showed up for the MB Weekend. After the lectures, you start in on the lessons and have accountability through a coach for a year.
It seems much more convenient as the Online program, because the couple doesn't have fly out to the site, book hotels, find babysitting. You do it all from your own home.
Thanks a lot for your reply, LongWayFromHome
But getting away for the weekend to a hotel was part of the fun with the MB Weekend. It's the only way Markos got me to agree to start marriage builders -- he promised a hotel stay away from the kids, and a day of shopping after the seminar!
I would suggest that a couple still get a babysitter and go away for the weekend, even if it's to a nearby hotel ...
yeah exactly, that's why i love the idea of "weekend" thing.
Would any of you be willing to share an examaple of what your UA time might look like for a week . I know it's a very individual thing but I'd just like to see some examples. Thanks
Keep in mind that your UA activities should include things you both find enjoyable ...
Monday: Dinner and shopping (4 hours)
Tuesday: Gym night, snack at smoothie bar (4 hours)
Thursday: Gym night, snack at smoothie bar (4 hours)
Saturday: Pool (2 hours), picnic in the park (2 hours)
Question: I have found out through reading H's emails that he has been invited on a trip with his best friend--it is less than a month away and he has not even mentioned it to me, but he told his friend that he cleared his schedule. I know he knows I will be very unhappy if he goes--I have been trying (unsuccessfully)to get H to take a trip alone with me for quite awhile.
So here's my question--would it be fair or at all reasonable to use this trip as a point of negotiation? I have been trying to get H to do the online program but he has yet to agree. We have not done well doing it on our own. Would it be wrong to agree to the trip if he agrees to doing the online program?
Sorry Lola, everyone else must be enjoying the weekends having UA and FC time. Hopefully we'll find ourselves there too one day soon right
I don't think there are any wrong answers there. The question is, would it make you enthusiastic about him going? Maybe the online course AND a weekend away the two of you, like 4th of July weekend so it would be before his weekend, would make you enthusiastic about his other weekend, even if you were the one to plan the weekend, the way his friend is. It's good you can start to see how your H works, he wants to plan of least resistance, and this is a path you can make pretty smooth, smoother than the friend can, because you know your H better.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't look as happy about the weekend with you, it's because you two are in State of Conflict, and so most likely you can still act pretty hard to be around, am I close? We can help you eliminate that.
I hope my interpretation falls in alignment, as i am still a student in the progress of learning myself.
With that disclaimer out of the way, i feel that your H should only be doing that IB if YOU and He were in complete and enthusiastic agreement about his trip.
For you to negotiate an alternative week or weekend just for the two of you still does not negate his Independent Behavior trip without you, which i feel you are not enthusiastic about, so then the default option would be to Do Nothing.
He does not go on the trip without you.
During this time, you Both knock around various options that you Both would be enthusiastic about doing together.
Wouldn't you still be resentful that he and his friend have been planning this trip without any input from you?
If yes, then even if you negotiated a separate weekend or week for the two of you to be together, his IB would have still created a resentment.
The key us to not avoid the potential conflict, but to address it without Love Busters and Selfish Demands.
LTL
Lolalove, one of the most important rules in Marriage Builders is to not spend the night apart. You don't use one rule to break another, for example, you don't use the POJA to break the rule against overnight travel.
I would bring it up to him and either find a way to include you on this trip - or another trip - or stay home and do something else.
Don't to agree to something that is bad for your marriage in order to get him to do the online course. The online course won't magically change his unwillingness to eliminate his independent behavior.
Thanks all for your input . He did finally mention it to me yesterday but framed it as if he had no intention of going..not sure if he was just feeling me out or what.
He first mentioned that my brother went on 2 trips without his wife and wondered why I didn't see anything wrong with that. I said because my brother also takes trips ALONE WITH his wife. Were on our way to some friends' house so didn't have much time to discuss...basically I made it clear that its not his going on a trip that bothers me, but the fact that he won't take a trip with me. He actually seemed to understand that...we'll see if he mentions it again.
Thanks all for your input . He did finally mention it to me yesterday but framed it as if he had no intention of going..not sure if he was just feeling me out or what.
He first mentioned that my brother went on 2 trips without his wife and wondered why I didn't see anything wrong with that. I said because my brother also takes trips ALONE WITH his wife. Were on our way to some friends' house so didn't have much time to discuss...basically I made it clear that its not his going on a trip that bothers me, but the fact that he won't take a trip with me. He actually seemed to understand that...we'll see if he mentions it again.
You are now beginning to recognize part of the problem; you are not your husband's favorite recreational partner!
The solution is to learn to become a pleasent recreational partner, and for you two to participate in activities that you mutually enjoy.
If you want to become his recreational companion, you will need to approach the problem with clear purpose, but also with sensitivity to your husband's feelings. You can still reach your husband, because, as you said in your letter, he still loves you. It's important to understand how hard it will be for him to integrate you into his escape after all these years. Having you along fishing will take some doing on his part, because you are now associated with all the responsibility he is trying to escape. And what if it turns out that you don't like fishing as much as you thought you would? You may need to find new recreational activities that you can enjoy together.
To help you both make this difficult but necessary transition into becoming each other's best recreational companions, I suggest you negotiate with your husband. Here are four steps that will make it easier for you to resolve your conflict.
1. Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe.
Before you start to talk to your husband about recreational activities, make sure that you follow these rules: (a) be pleasant and cheerful throughout your discussion of the issue, (b) put safety first--do not threaten to cause pain or suffering when you negotiate, even if your husband makes threatening remarks or if the negotiations fail, and (c) if you reach an impasse, stop for a while and come back to the issue later.
Under no conditions should you be disrespectful or judgmental of your husband's opinions or desires. Your negotiations should accept and respect your differences. Otherwise, you will fail to make them pleasant and safe.
2. Identify the problem from the perspectives of both you and your spouse.
Be able to state each other's position regarding your conflict about recreational activities before you go on to find a solution. Be sure you don't argue with each other, just get to know how you both feel regarding the issue.
3. Brainstorm solutions with abandon.
Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to handle the problem, and don't correct each other when you hear of a plan that you don't like -- you'll have a chance to do that during the fourth step. Write down every suggestion. If you give your intelligence a chance to flex its muscle, you will have a long list of possible solutions.
4. Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you.
From your list of solutions, some will satisfy only one of you but not both. However, scattered within the list will be solutions that both of you would find attractive. Among those solutions that are mutually satisfactory, select the one that you both like the most.
When you use the Policy of Joint Agreement to resolve any of your conflicts, neither of you will feel controlled by the other, because you are not being forced to do anything. The only restrictions you will feel are those that prevent you from gaining at each other's expense. That's not control, that's thoughtfulness.
HHH....you have hit the nail on the head and I realize it. When I was on the show Dr. Harley also pointed this out. This has actually been a very hurtful and difficult thing for me as I have been trying for a long time to find mutual activities that we can enjoy. I would suggest something (for example kayaking) only to find out he had gone and done the same thing with someone else and not included me. Part of the problem is that he is very athletic and I am not...I recently started biking and we did do that together this weekend so that was good.
Has anyone else had difficulty finding mutually satisfying recreational activities?
Has anyone else had difficulty finding mutually satisfying recreational activities?
What did you do when you dated?
Well, we were in college...so a lot of studying together, walking to class, just hanging out. We did like to go camping and biking together and travelled a lot to visit people as our families are all over.
We do a lot of things together...it's the ALONE together that is stumping me.
We do a lot of things together...it's the ALONE together that is stumping me.
What would be fun to do? Try to come up with some things that would be fun that you would look forward to doing. So what do you like to do for fun?
We do a lot of things together...it's the ALONE together that is stumping me.
Lola, can you be specific? How is that stumping you?
Have you filled out the recreational companionship inventory? It is free and is posted here on the site. My H and I came up with an entire list of things that we wanted to try. Some we tried and gave up and others we still do.
AM
Melody...we enjoy being with friends and family, but when we are alone I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about. Also I just feel like he would often rather be with other people than me...I am definitely not his favorite person to be with at this point.
Armymama...we have not yet. He is not all that interested in MB so I take what I can get. I will suggest it to him.
Well, we were in college...so a lot of studying together, walking to class, just hanging out. We did like to go camping and biking together and travelled a lot to visit people as our families are all over.
Do you still enjoy doing these things?
I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about.
Is going to be awkward for quite some time. Do it anyway.
Armymama...we have not yet. He is not all that interested in MB so I take what I can get. I will suggest it to him.
Here is some trouble in your thinking. Don't just "take what you can get." He will either care for you or he will not. Let him know that these are the things you need to be cared for. If he is unwilling to care for you in this way, prepare for a separation.
Wives do their husbands no favor by setting the bar low.
I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about.
Is going to be awkward for quite some time. Do it anyway.
This really is true. It was very awkward for us at first. We just weren't used to sitting around talking. We had developed our own independent interests and had little to talk about in common. Mostly just the kids.
That's why I suggested focusing on finding fun things to do. It takes some of the pressure off of sitting there trying to come up with something to say to each other.
Find activities where there is plenty of opportunity to talk, but talking isn't the main event. For example, instead of going to dinner where you are just sitting across from each other with nothing to say, go to an amusement park together. Or take a cooking class. Or workout together. Just make sure it is a fun activity for both of you. As you accumulate these experiences, you will have things in common to talk about and the conversation will get a lot better!
Melody...we enjoy being with friends and family, but when we are alone I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about.
Of course it is awkward! When you try new things it doesn't feel natural at first. So you just keep doing it and soon enough it will feel natural.
Also I just feel like he would often rather be with other people than me...I am definitely not his favorite person to be with at this point.
Probably true. But that is the point of this exercise, to make you his most favorite person.
Armymama...we have not yet. He is not all that interested in MB so I take what I can get. I will suggest it to him.
Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. If you set the bar low, he will live down to your expectations.
On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates?
On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates?
Do you flirt?
Do you still enjoy doing these things?
I have started biking again and we did do that together over the weekend. We like to hike/walk together also, but I have been having some issues with my foot so I can't do that right now--that has been a big loss.
Here is some trouble in your thinking. Don't just "take what you can get." He will either care for you or he will not. Let him know that these are the things you need to be cared for. If he is unwilling to care for you in this way, prepare for a separation.
Wives do their husbands no favor by setting the bar low.
Yes, I am realizing this more and more. I complain, tell him I cannot stay in a marriage like this, then he will throw me some crumbs (like "starting" to read Love Busters), but then a week later we are right back to where we were with me feeling disconnected and angry.
I often feel like its awkward and we struggle to find things to talk about.
Is going to be awkward for quite some time. Do it anyway.
This really is true. It was very awkward for us at first. We just weren't used to sitting around talking. We had developed our own independent interests and had little to talk about in common. Mostly just the kids.
That's why I suggested focusing on finding fun things to do. It takes some of the pressure off of sitting there trying to come up with something to say to each other.
Find activities where there is plenty of opportunity to talk, but talking isn't the main event. For example, instead of going to dinner where you are just sitting across from each other with nothing to say, go to an amusement park together. Or take a cooking class. Or workout together. Just make sure it is a fun activity for both of you. As you accumulate these experiences, you will have things in common to talk about and the conversation will get a lot better!
Thank you, these are very good suggestions.
Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. If you set the bar low, he will live down to your expectations.
I don't know why I struggle with setting the bar high. I know this is what I have to do. I am in the process of writing him a letter where I tell him exactly what I need from him. I plan on insisting that we do the Home Study program. Do you think that I should threaten separation if he doesn't cooperate?
On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates?
I try!
I don't think I'm very good at this anymore. I did really try to the last time we went out. He is just not very receptive at this point which kind of deflates me.
Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. If you set the bar low, he will live down to your expectations.
I don't know why I struggle with setting the bar high. I know this is what I have to do. I am in the process of writing him a letter where I tell him exactly what I need from him. I plan on insisting that we do the Home Study program. Do you think that I should threaten separation if he doesn't cooperate?
Let him know that you need him to do the Home Study program with you, but don't make threats. Just silently prepare for a separation. Making threats will not get you what you want.
On your dates are you both on your very best behavior? Do you both strive to impress by being very pleasant and charming? Do you both look your best on your dates?
I try!
Does he?
I really need some help. I am so angry with my H and my love bank is so empty. I feel that what I need to do is separate from him but it seems so daunting and I really don't want to do it. Do you all think that it would be good for me to talk to Steve before making that decision? I also wonder if I should ask H talk to him...I think I have read that he is very good with reluctant spouses. Any advice?
I really need some help. I am so angry with my H and my love bank is so empty. I feel that what I need to do is separate from him but it seems so daunting and I really don't want to do it. Do you all think that it would be good for me to talk to Steve before making that decision? I also wonder if I should ask H talk to him...I think I have read that he is very good with reluctant spouses. Any advice?
I'm not familiar with your thread but I see you may have enrolled in the online program. Is this true? If so, you can email Dr. Harley directly.
Why are you angry with your husband?
What is he doing to upset you?
We have not enrolled in the online program although I have practically begged H to do so.
Although he is doing better with some things, he continues to exhibit IB and is not meeting my needs for affection (I can't remember the last time he kissed me on the lips.)
An example of the ib would be this past Monday he told me "I won't be home right away after work." This typically means 7 or 8 o'clock, but he was still not home at 10 when I went to bed. I used his find my iphone app to see where he was and he was at a restaurant/bar. I did not speak to him for 2 days because I didn't want to love bust. This morning he said, "I play tennis tonight but not sure if its 6,7, or 8 so I'll just take my stuff with me." To which I replied, "just say you'll be late and then you have free reign to do whatever you want...in your book. " so he said, "ok, I'll be late tonight. " This really pissed me off so I said, "you'll be happy to know I'm looking for an apartment then you can do whatever you want to do." He just scoffed and said "you're not going anywhere"
This has been an ongoing issue for us and he knows how much it bothers me...which makes it so much worse.
This really pissed me off so I said, "you'll be happy to know I'm looking for an apartment then you can do whatever you want to do." He just scoffed and said "you're not going anywhere"
You need to separate from him. This is not going to get any better on its own.
When to Call It Quits - Part 1
I have read that and I understand it, but like I said it is so daunting. And I don't want to leave my home...I love it...why should I have to leave when he is the one who won't work on the marriage?
Why don't you ask him to move and see if that will work? Otherwise, I don't see that you have any options, do you?
He has said he wants to separate several times and last time he said it I agreed (that was about 3 weeks ago when we had the same issue of him staying out without letting me know). Then he seemed to work really hard at being a better husband...until Monday. It is almost a routine with us.
I know these are just excuses but right now we have 3 of our 4 kids living with us (one who is married so her husband also) plus a friend of our daughter's. My oldest has one more year of high school and our son is getting married in January. I can't see how it would even be possible to plan B at this point.
He has said he wants to separate several times and last time he said it I agreed (that was about 3 weeks ago when we had the same issue of him staying out without letting me know). Then he seemed to work really hard at being a better husband...until Monday. It is almost a routine with us.
I know these are just excuses but right now we have 3 of our 4 kids living with us (one who is married so her husband also) plus a friend of our daughter's. My oldest has one more year of high school and our son is getting married in January. I can't see how it would even be possible to plan B at this point.
I am unclear why you can't go into Plan B? People do this all the time. You aren't perpetually chained to your husband for the rest of your life.
Why do your grown kids and another kid live with you? Is that a situation you both enthusiastically agreed to?
My oldest has one more year of high school
I meant my youngest.
The living situation is temporary...all but the youngest will be gone within a few months.
How would we handle a wedding in plan B?
The living situation is temporary...all but the youngest will be gone within a few months.
How would we handle a wedding in plan B?
You don't need to be in an airtight Plan B in your situation so you should be able to manage that just fine.