Both my husband and I are self employed, me as a realtor and him as an independent contractor in the Electrical Field. He has an offer to work full-time for one of the companies he has been doing contract work for, if he does this he will be working m-f and I will be working on sat,sun. We also have International students in our home and my son, daughter in law and grandson live with us. We have seen how us having time during the week at home alone has worked better for us, but we will not have that if he works full-time, but the consistent income will be good. We tried to think of a compromise with him not working on Wednesdays, but he says they will not let him do that, even though he has not explained the situation. He is very tired at night and likes his "free"time on the weekend to"relax" and do things on his to do list, which leaves no time for our relationship. Is there any ideas or suggestions someone might have for us. He needs to make the decision soon, he said that I told him it was his decision, but I think it should be our decision whether he takes the job or not. I want both of us to be happy with the decision........

What you are saying is that all of these things come BEFORE your marriage:

1. jobs
2. relaxing time
3. to-do list

That tells me that the real problem is how you prioritize. Can I ask how you and your husband find the time for less important things such as your jobs? Do you schedule for your jobs? How do you find the time?

What do you do during these dates? How long are the blocks of time? Is there anyone at home during these dates?

Have you seen this, especially the radio clips at the end of the thread.

Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

I realize that our marriage is priority and our time together and that my husband working full time for a company will compromise that time. When he works from home during the week, there is usually just one person at home and many times no one at home. I am having a hard time knowing how to honor my husband's wishes about working for this company and yet keeping our marriage priority. He really wants this job.

We really don't have a set 'date'. It is just us being able to eat lunch together and chat while we both work from home. We will read the Bible in the morning, go over our budget and calendar for the week. We may be able to do this once a week on the weekend, if he is not wanting to relax and not talk about tough issues. That is the biggest problem is when will we talk about issues that take time to work through and when will we have time to have fun together.

I have read about undivided attention and tried to find the videos that you referenced. Can you be more specific with how I can find the clips?

In order to be effective, undivided attention time needs to be spent in 2 to 4 hour blocks meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. It should be spent out on DATES having a great time when your energy is at its highest. I wouldn't spend that time talking about "tough issues," spend your dates having fun.

Not even Dr Harley and Joyce spend their UA time at home because it is the lousiest UA time. It doesn't work for most people because they are easily distracted by home duties, phone calls, family members, pets.

I see lots of time in your schedule for dates in the evenings. You are both free most evenings for dates. You could come home from work, freshen up, dress up and go out on fun dates. Here is the worksheet Dr Harley recommends using: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

BUT, what do you want? Your time spent at home during the days is not effective in the least, so I wouldn't worry too much about losing that as long as he would agree to take you out on dates during the week. Will he agree to go out on 4 dates a week?

When you say you want to "honor his wishes" you do understand that he needs to honor yours too? Making sacrifices is terrible for marriages. Marriage Builders looks for win/win solutions versus win/lose.

D2H, you are not really doing UA time. You are just doing what you have always done and "counting" some times when you happen to be home alone. This is typically what happens when couples have grown apart. What you describe is not a date.

Just think of what you do on a DATE. When you went out on a date when you were single and dating, the man picked you up, looking his best and gave you all his attention for the evening. You had great conversation, affection, recreational companionship.

They are radio clips of Dr. Harley discussing UA and they are at the end of the thread.

Your husband's relaxing time needs to be with you. UA time should be fun, enjoyable, and relaxing for both of you. Everybody needs an escape in life, and married people need to escape together.

As for the job, I don't understand why a "fulltime" job would preclude UA time. A fulltime job is only 40 hours per week.

I wouldn't give any honor to choices that prevent the marriage from having what it needs to survive. That is not an honorable decision and it can't be honored.

Thank you for your thoughts! I can't think of any other questions/comments right now. We just need to make a plan for the UA time and stick to it whether he takes the position or not. We are not typically people who go by a detailed hour by hour schedule, although we do calendar planning every week. I guess it is time to change that for the benefit of our marriage. The offer for the position is only opened until the 18th so we will make the decision by then.

Awesome! Usually the difference between those who do it and those who don't, is careful scheduling.

Thank you, I did end up finding them.

Thank you for your comments. The situation is extra hard for us because we have the international students at our home on the weekend and they need to go places and demand our attention. We thought of a plan though.....two-2 hour lunches together a week and then 2-2 hour dates out at night from 6-8 or 7-9 a week. 7 hours time together on the weekend. My husband needs lots of time by himself.......I hope this can work. Does going to church together count as time together?

Why does your H need a lot of time by himself?

Devoted-

The criteria to use is, does it allow the 4 intimate emotional needs to be met?

What do you think? Does attending church provide the environment for the following?

Affection
Recreational Companionship
Intimate Conversation
Sexual Fulfillment

2-hour dates barely allow you to get relax before going home. Try for at least 3 hours at a time.

Going to church would count if you can meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs there. And I think you would agree you can't. Your dates should really be longer in order to be effective.

Does your husband enjoy being alone more than he enjoys being with you? My h and I do enjoy our alone time, but not more than being with each other. If there is something you enjoy more than being with your spouse, then Dr Harley recommends eliminating it until you have fallen in love again because of the contrast effect. What does he do when he is alone and how many hours per week?

It counts as time together, but does not count as UA time. Simply being together isn't, by itself, good enough. That is one of the big challenges in scheduling UA time. Just because you block the time off on your schedule doesn't mean you have clocked it all as UA time. For instance, a typical Saturday for my wife and I will have us alone together from 9 am until 4 pm, but we only get about 5 hours or so of quality UA time out of that. That's because playing sudoku on my iPhone while my wife shops doesn't count.

This is an example of how my husband needs alone time......I have been asking and wanting to go for a day in the mountains for about 2 months, but because of rain and heat it was not possible. Yesterday he texted me, while I was out, that he was going to the mountains, he took our dog and left, I somehow missed the text message so I didn't know where he was when he didn't come home at 11pm. I was worried, I thought he took the dog out for a hike on a nearby trail and something happened. Because he was in the mountains he did not get my texts and calls. I even called the police to see how to file a missing persons report. He finally sent me a text at 1am in the morning. I was glad to know he was ok. But once I knew he was ok I started to feel resentful that he got some time away going somewhere I had been wanting to go and I was hurt. We did decide together to have him take the full time job. I ordered the Marriage Builders online program without accountability, he agreed at first but after I ordered it and it was time to put it on the calendar he started complaining about doing it. I feel left out, deceived about his desire to do the program and stressed because I did not get time away.

That is absolutely unacceptable IB on his part. It is time to start considering the conditions for staying in this marriage, as it cannot survive such neglect. STOP agreeing with behaviour that harms you! You agreed to this job knowing it would harm your marriage!

Wandering through the mountains until 1am? Seriously? That sounds like a bunch of BS to me. I would be checking out his cell phone to see where he really went. Does he have an iPhone? If so, do this:

Open Settings, then select Privacy, then Location Services, then System Services, then Frequent Locations. This shows you all the places that the phone has spent repeated times visiting.

I would also quietly slap a GPS on his phone.

What else does he do in his "alone" time? If this is an example, then I suspect he is having an affair.

We do a lot of hiking, backpacking, backcountry stuff. I have never taken my dogs out into the woods until 1:00am in the morning. That is reckless and dangerous honestly.

I agree with ML, this sounds very fishy.

We live near the Great Smokies, and both my wife and I love hiking. She works full time and I am retired, but I wouldn't even think of hiking without her. This is a prime example of a recreational activity that should always be done together. Your husband does not have an emotional need to be alone. He is just engaging in independent behavior.

I am definitely curious about his story, he does love to go camping and take a dog. (I still have not figured out why he doesn't want to go with me, although he likes to sleep out among the stars and I like a trailer to sleep in.) I love hiking and he loves hiking, but I cannot remember a time he asked me to go with him. I don't know why he doesn't ask me to go. I think he really just wants to be alone. He just wants the dog. It is one of his favorite things to do. He said he woke up at 1am and then saw my messages that hadn't come through earlier. He then texted me his "exact" camping location. He definitely struggles with independent behavior.
He started his job yesterday and before he started we made a UA plan. We were suppose to have a "date" last night. I got home late at 8pm from working and wanted to go out for an hour which at that point was all the time we had, but he would not get up off the couch to go with me. I kept asking him if he wanted to go and he wouldn't answer, he said he was trying to process. I had not eaten dinner but he had already eaten when I had gotten home. I was hungry so I went out alone. It really hurt that he didn't communicate with me about dinner plans, especially because he had asked me to make him lunch because he was going to come home for lunch to fill up his car tire with air. I made him a sandwich and a special dessert.
We watched the first few online seminar videos this weekend. He got really defensive when Dr. Harley spoke about Angry Outbursts and said, " That's not why I do it" when Dr. Harley said why people act that way. Last night I was frustrated and it came out as anger about him not telling me whether he wanted to go out with me for dinner or not, because until he decided, I just had to stand there and wait to make a decision on eating dinner at 8pm at night, and I was so hungry. So he texted me after I left and said, " I guess I am not the only one with angry outbursts"
Is there any hope? I am losing any hope that I had that this can work.

This is his favorite activity to do alone. He also goes to outdoor stores, plays games on his phone, looks at Facebook,( but he has taken off any woman that I ask him to), watches tv.

Yes there is hope Devoted. But you yourself need to start following the program and lead by example here.

You made a decision together with him to take a job that would make it more difficult for you to get UA time.

You made a plan for UA time which you yourself blew off by working late, expecting him to conform to a new plan once you did arrive home.

You had an AO. There is no room for AO's from EITHER of you in your marriage.

You cannot force him to be excited about the program, but you can clean up your side of the street and show him what is in it for him.

I would be checking into his camping stories because this behavior sounds very suspicious. I can think of 2 such stories over the years where a husband used his ["alone time"] to hook up with a lady. They were having an affair for years. Another man claimed he was playing poker every Friday night. Turned out he was having an affair.

I think its really cute that he texts you his camping location, but you need to make sure he is not camping out with some woman. Or some other place entirely.

Do you have access to his phone and computer? Have you done any snooping?

My wife had a need for "alone time" which was really "sex with boyfriend time."
Not everyone is having affairs but you do need to quietly verify this.

I see what you mean....I didn't want him to take the job but I knew I had no choice, he wanted to take it, so he was going to do it no matter what I said. He wants me to work to make us money so he doesn't care whether I work or not or whether it messes up our time together or not. It is hard but I will try and do what I need to do. So far this week we have only gotten to spend 45 minutes at Starbucks together. Hopefully next week will be better. We just watched the annoying habits video and he said he is not going to follow that and he thinks it is unbiblical. Oh well so much for that.

Did he say what he considered "unbiblical" about it?

Just try to stay calm and be patient. There will be a learning curve for him and the ideas take a while to settle in. So let him complain to the coach or Dr. Harley about it. You could also email the coach. I wouldn't debate about it with him. Just say, "that's interesting" and follow it up with something about how happy you are that he is joining you in this. Keep in mind that the idea of changing makes people feel uncomfortable.

I think you should start quietly preparing for a separation.
Continue the videos and MB courses. Listen to the radio show if you can when he is around.
Drew nice and be pleasant.
When is he going camping for "alone time" next?

I am very concerned that you are ignoring my posts about spying on him. I think there may very well be an affair going on.

Are you reading my posts?

He didn't say what he thought was unbiblical about it. Possibly an excuse to not have to change anything. I left the room and didn't see the point in watching the rest of it, although maybe I should have continued it with him. I just felt so discouraged. Unfortunately we do not have the money pay for the coach part of the program. We bought the online seminar without a accountability person. When I get some more money I may pay for it, but he was not very happy about the money spent on the online seminar as it is. Thank you for your encouragement.

Yes I am reading them and he did have an emotional affair in the past, so I know a little about how to find information, that is how I found out about the one a few years ago. I appreciate the information and am waiting until I have the opportunity to look at his phone. He very rarely does not have it by his side.

Would this kind of unilateral, thoughtless, decision making characterize your marriage?

Is he still in touch with this woman?

Well, it doesn't take long at all to uncover an affair. Can you take the phone, go through it and install spyware? What about placing a voice activated recorder and a GPS in his car?

When he went "hiking" in the mountains until the middle of the night, did he take his car?

Melody is right. Are you afraid of what you might find out? It's better to know the truth about his secret second life.

Have you ever thought of just grabbing his phone and going to the mountains for a hike? He shouldn't mind. .
Just tell him that you needed it for safety because misplaced yours. You will learn a lot from his reaction.

While away, install spyware and search through the phone. You NEED to know what he is hiding. He definitely is hiding something.

Even if he would have taken the job against your wishes, it is a mistake to give your agreement. You need to be clear when you are unenthusiastic. Even if it bothers him. Even if he will do it anyway. Don't capitulate.

Yes.

We have had one week at his new job and have not had the UA time that we planned on having. I feel like I have to constantly fight to have him spend time with me. When he comes home he seems frazzled and tired. We go to bed and then I fall asleep and he gets up out of bed and goes to spend time with the dog, because he says he feels badly that the dog doesn't get play time. I wake up and go find him and he says that he is tired and wants to go to sleep. He very rarely feels badly that I don't get time with him and even though he says, I married you because I love you and love to spend time with you and do things with you, he hardly ever shows it. I threw out my back and have been flat on my back and he said if I can't have a 2 hour lunch with him as we planned then he was not coming home to see me and spend that 2 hours with me, even though I am stuck at home in bed because of my back. I told him I expected him to come home to see me at lunch if I couldn't go there because of my back. If I can't come there for two hours then he needed to come here for two hours. Then he got mad at me. He was also mad at me this morning because he had to make breakfast for me and he had to take our students to school because i couldn't because of my back and he was half an hour late to his new job. Then he came home and the time we got to spend together was fixing a bill problem that he had not paid (I couldn't pay it myself because it was his bill and they wouldn't let me talk about the bill without his permission). I feel so unloved and uncared for by him. If I don't say anything, he ignores me and goes on his merry way without me, if I tell him how much I want to spend the time together he feels pressure and gets mad at me.

Have you checked the phone records and bank accounts? Put a VAR in his vehicle.

Are you planning to come here and blog? Or are you actually interested in Marriage Builders advise? Because you haven't followed the advise given so far, and therefore are making no progress.

1. You were advised to NOT support him taking the new job, because it would make UA time much more difficult. You ignored advise and encouraged him to take it.

2. You have been repeatedly encouraged to snoop for an affair, and have basically just stopped responding to posts about snooping. If he is having an affair, you realize that nothing you do to save your marriage will work, right?

DEvoted2him, what about the snooping? I am not sure what this post has to do with the advice that was given.

This is my first time using this site, I believe, by your comments, that I am using it incorrectly. I am not afraid to find out if my husband is having an affair. I have hired a private investigator in the past. I have checked phone records and even questioned him on numbers that were on the records and he showed me in his phone whose number those were. He just started the new job so there are a lot of new numbers that I don't know. He keeps his phone with him all the time and with my limited mobility because of severe sciatic pain right now is making everything extra difficult, I cannot walk or sit comfortably. I also told him up to the end that I didn't think it was a good idea to take the job, but I did not know what else we could do to make income. I also have a family locator on his phone and tried it when he was in the mountains but my carrier said it wouldn't have accurate location if in the mountains. If someone can explain the rules to this discussion board, that would be helpful. I thought we were discussing things. I noticed that the name has changed to a guidance board which means something totally different that a discussion board.

I have no idea how to install spyware on his phone.

D2H, we are trying to help you find solutions but it seems you are not paying attention to the advice. I would step it up here and get some spyware on his phone along with a GPS. Can you hire a PI?

You say you hired a PI in the past? What were the circumstances?

When he goes into the "mountains" does he take his car? My suspicion is that he is just turning his phone off and hooking up with someone.

Read through this thread to get some ideas about spyware: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187

He is not having an affair at this time. I have done research and keep track of his phone and his emails etc and used the location method on his phone. He has not gone to the mountains again except one time with me, so that is good. He is working on his anger which is great! And he is working on being honest and open by giving me all passwords, which is also great! Both things he is doing with a good attitude.

Our problem now is that our schedule for UA time is not working because his work schedule. Our plan is to have two 2 hour lunches together M-Th, (which are not happening because he is on a job site or his work is having a vendor lunch and they bring in food almost everyday). One of my husband's favorite recreational activities is eating out, I cannot compete with that because we don't have money to eat out right now. So his most enjoyable recreation time is at work with co-workers. I am not sure if it is expected of him to be at the vendor lunches. So I have to eat what we can afford at home. So his most enjoyable recreation time is at work with co-workers eating which he loves! Then we planned to have two 2 hour "dates" M-Th. (This is not happening because by the time he gets home 6:30 or 7, then we have dinner, he is too tired.) Last night I even re-did my makeup and hair before he came home thinking that he would be excited to be home. (He had someone at work tell him that he had a hot wife. So I guess my looks aren't the problem.) When he comes home he seems to be more interested in his phone than in me. He seems to have nothing left to give. We plan a 4 hour 'date" on Friday after he gets off work at 1 or 2 (originally we thought he would be off at 12 on Fridays) and a 4 hour time on Saturday. (He seems to not be excited about anything we plan for this time. I plan these because he puts very little input into our "dates"except if we eat out and we can't afford that right now, and he says there is nothing that he wants to do where we live.)
He also gets to go interesting places with work, places like An Airforce Base control tower, I cannot compete with things like that. He also is learning a lot of new things at work, which stresses him out and makes him tired but he loves it. We have no money so our times together seem boring to him, even if we do have money, the things we can do are not exciting to him, he is a "man's man" and enjoys men stuff the most and that is what gets him most excited.
When I looked at his phone, his son, my stepson told my husband that he was putting my husband 'in trust" for his house, he did not share that with me. We do not own our home. He also told a friend he was going Elk Cow Hunting in December but didn't tell me. We don't have the money for him to go. He spoke with his Mom who has cancer and she said she was getting Chemo and he did not tell me, (this is significant because we went to see her this past weekend and she said the doctor said there are no more treatments that she can have so she is just waiting her time out, so that is why I charged on my card a visit to see her last weekend and decorated her house with Thanksgiving decorations, but she shares her stuff only with him, even though I try and communicate with her. So I had no idea they were going to do chemo again until I looked at his phone. This is a pattern for him, not telling me what goes on in his life. He said he was sorry but the habit isn't changing.
My difficulty now is he is not communicating and our UA time is not happening. He shares more with his co-workers and extended family than he does with me.
Also all the household responsibilities have fallen on me since he started working and I don't have the time or money to do my job, real estate agent, because I have to take care of everything else at home which I am starting to resent. He doesn't have time to do the finances even though I kept telling him we didn't have money to pay the bills, our phones were suspended yesterday,that includes my work phone, so I had to figure out how to keep them on, because he was at work he couldn't do it.
He wants me to be an agent and I like it, but with him working I don't have time. I keep telling him this is not working for me,and he says he wants to talk about it but again there is never any time. He says he loves spending time with me, but he doesn't act like it. Any ideas about the UA and intimate conversation time and the me getting his "best"?
When I looked on his phone, he kept telling friends that he missed the place he used to live when we were separated, we have talked about moving but because he likes this job now he doesn't seem interested and we don't have any money anyway.
I think one thing we have to do is revise our UA time to something that will work for M-Th but can't think of what would work if he is too tired and always busy at work for lunch. ( He is at work not having lunch with someone else, which I can verify) I apologize if all this was too wordy.
Thanks again!

Do you have spyware on his phone?


Yes, I would sit down with him on Sunday afternoons and plan out 4 - 4 hour dates during the week. Plan your dates to start around 5 to 6 during the week and plan some dates on the weekend.

If your husband refuses to meet your needs, then Dr Harley would recommend that you separate. When to Call it Quits

We talked yesterday about sitting down on Sundays to talk about schedule for the week and add up the hours. Starting at 5 or 6 will not work during the week because he gets off work so late. We don't seem to have a problem making a schedule, though, it seems there is a problem keeping it. Today I am going to talk with him about that part of it and about not sharing important things with me. Thank you for your thoughts.

Do you have spyware on his phone??

How do I define between what is being rude and unkind and giving my husband the right to say no to my requests. For instance we went on a walk today and towards the end of the walk he started walking slower and then basically went his own way and continued on his walk. We were not arguing there was no turmoil, he just sort of stopped walking together with me. I didn't know how to react other to ask him why he was going his own way and didn't tell me and he said I thought you saw me going my own way, I did at the end. And that was it. Now he is mad at me and I am left anxious and wondering what went wrong.............again!
Please help me know how to respond to this situation as there are many others like it.

Why is he mad at you? Have you asked him?

He was incredibly rude to you on the walk. You don't just walk away from someone when you're on a date. Would he have behaved like that towards you when he was first dating you?

Do you have a means of communicating love busters with each other? I can't remember if that's been discussed on your thread. He seems to be willing to do the UA part of the MB programme. Is he willing to work through anything else? Would he exchange love busters sheets with you once a week, and agree to work on any issue you raised, without arguing or discussing it?

This would be a good thing to write on a sheet, rather than getting into a discussion that might end up being upsetting.

I think if this had been us one of us would just nonchalantly say "Where you headed?" If the other one didn't answer we would assume he/she is not enthusiastic about talking at the moment and not press him/her. (We might snoop to find out where the other went.)

You didn't notice that he'd gone his own way until the end?
It doesn't sound like either of you started this walk as a time to be together.

"It bothers me that when we go on a walk, you go your own way instead of staying with me."

-or-

"It would mean the world to me if you would go on walks with me and hold my hand the whole way."

-or-

"I would love it if you would walk side by side with me when we go on walks."

In other words, you don't need to tell him he was rude or unkind. You just need to let him know that the behavior bothers you, and you can make requests about what you would like to have happen.

Thank you, I know this sounds unbelievable but for some reason I cannot think of things like that to say. I don't know why, but thanks for the suggestions. I hope I can learn that way of communicating. I think he was upset because I was walking too fast for him, but he didn't say anything so I didn't know.

Those are key phrases in the program:
"It bothers me when ..."
"It would mean a lot to me if ..."
"I would love it if ..."

It's because he has you walking on eggshells, got you constantly second guessing what you are doing wrong.

Even without the crazy stories of where he's been, and very inexplicably walking away (to use his phone no doubt) his behaviour screams affair. Dont you remember the signs?

Plans UA time, but never follows through.
Uses any counselling to create arguments.
Attached to phone night and day.
Makes you feel powerless and unimportant on big decisions.
Is contemptuous about your emotional needs.
Acts like your presence is a nuisance because they are constantly twitching for 'alone time' to contact OP.
Highly unbelievable stories - they don't even care if you swallow it.

Respond to baiting without love busting and snoop for dear life.

There is hope. His moodiness and exhaustion are not the side effects of a happy lothario, but a typically lost and fogged out man with a conscience that his hurting. Find out why before he hardens more against you.

It's not your fault. Find the external cause and kill it.

Stop wondering what YOU are doing wrong when all you want is time and attention.

Looking at his phone will uncover exactly nothing. Any affair communication would be deleted as a matter of course. The fact you've found out he does hide things from you shows a need to be much more wide awake.

GPS on his car (to prevent another call around to the hospitals)
Spyware on phone.
PI.

Do it.

I would like your thoughts on this:
We are homeless right now and living in a trailer. My husband's Mom is dying of cancer and has less than a year to live. My husband hit my car and the bumper was hanging off. I am a realtor so I can't drive around in a car with the bumper hanging off. At first he said he would ask his Mom for money to get it fixed, but I didn't feel good about it, so I got financing for the repair. My husband agreed that we wouldn't take the money. Behind my back he talked with his mom and had her send a check. I told him I don't want to cash the check and he is disagreeing and said he wants to deposit into saving because we need the money. What should I do? I feel like I can't trust him.

Knowing what you know, or should know by now, about Marriage Builders and the Policy of joint Agreement, what do you think you should do?

My husband and I have been doing marriage builders. I bring up doing the program about 2/3 times and he about 1/3. We had been going pretty good and not having too many problems. He has a problem with anger and hating woman. The other day he said he couldn't live without me and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and then the next morning was mad at me. He called me a "[censored]" which I had to look up because I never heard that before. He said he had a sex dream about me the night before and was frustrated. By the evening the next day I was tired of him ignoring me and being mad at me, so I asked if we could talk for a couple of minutes and he kept saying 'leave me alone". I kept trying to work it out so that we wouldn't go to bed angry. He got mad at me called me that name, squirted a water bottle at me and threw something small in my direction. He was scaring me so I went to a hotel for the night. He threatened me that I had better not spend our money on a hotel, I did anyway. I took my rings off and don't want to be around him or talk to him anymore. Any ideas?

My husband has a hard time sharing his feelings and by using a 3 minute timeframe for each of us to talk, I found out he is upset about not having sex (I would not because he says he is going to leave me often, flips me off and calls me cuss words, etc. He doesn't get it that any woman would not have sex with a man when he does those things. )
And he is also upset that we are with my family for Christmas again and not his. I asked him a while ago if he wanted to see his Mom and he said "No we just saw her" I asked him a while ago if he wanted to go to Colorado to see his son and he said" No they are coming here in January"
He gets frustrated, doesn't share his thoughts and feelings with me and then takes his frustration out on me! Ugh. At least now I understand what is behind all this anger. Should not be directed at me though!
Any ideas or articles about how to get my husband more in touch with his thoughts and feelings and then sharing them with me?

Have you seen this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

He needs to get into anger management and you need to plan to separate from him.

When you say you're doing MB are you doing the materials yourself?

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

I see from your original thread you were advised to snoop. Whatever happened with that?

You need to stop making excuses for this behavior. Your husband is sharing his feelings with you. He is doing it by abusing you. Until he learns to behave differently, you will continue to be at risk.

Don't focus on the rationalizations offered for your husband's anger. Focus rather on the anger itself. That is what needs to be controlled. Until he learns how to deal with frustration, he is dangerous to be around. Frustration is present in everybody's life. Nothing excuses his behavior.