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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
Does going to church together count as time together?
It counts as time together, but does not count as UA time. Simply being together isn't, by itself, good enough. That is one of the big challenges in scheduling UA time. Just because you block the time off on your schedule doesn't mean you have clocked it all as UA time. For instance, a typical Saturday for my wife and I will have us alone together from 9 am until 4 pm, but we only get about 5 hours or so of quality UA time out of that. That's because playing sudoku on my iPhone while my wife shops doesn't count.


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This is an example of how my husband needs alone time......I have been asking and wanting to go for a day in the mountains for about 2 months, but because of rain and heat it was not possible. Yesterday he texted me, while I was out, that he was going to the mountains, he took our dog and left, I somehow missed the text message so I didn't know where he was when he didn't come home at 11pm. I was worried, I thought he took the dog out for a hike on a nearby trail and something happened. Because he was in the mountains he did not get my texts and calls. I even called the police to see how to file a missing persons report. He finally sent me a text at 1am in the morning. I was glad to know he was ok. But once I knew he was ok I started to feel resentful that he got some time away going somewhere I had been wanting to go and I was hurt. We did decide together to have him take the full time job. I ordered the Marriage Builders online program without accountability, he agreed at first but after I ordered it and it was time to put it on the calendar he started complaining about doing it. I feel left out, deceived about his desire to do the program and stressed because I did not get time away.

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That is absolutely unacceptable IB on his part. It is time to start considering the conditions for staying in this marriage, as it cannot survive such neglect. STOP agreeing with behaviour that harms you! You agreed to this job knowing it would harm your marriage!

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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
This is an example of how my husband needs alone time......I have been asking and wanting to go for a day in the mountains for about 2 months, but because of rain and heat it was not possible. Yesterday he texted me, while I was out, that he was going to the mountains, he took our dog and left, I somehow missed the text message so I didn't know where he was when he didn't come home at 11pm. I was worried, I thought he took the dog out for a hike on a nearby trail and something happened. Because he was in the mountains he did not get my texts and calls. I even called the police to see how to file a missing persons report. He finally sent me a text at 1am in the morning. I was glad to know he was ok. But once I knew he was ok I started to feel resentful that he got some time away going somewhere I had been wanting to go and I was hurt. We did decide together to have him take the full time job. I ordered the Marriage Builders online program without accountability, he agreed at first but after I ordered it and it was time to put it on the calendar he started complaining about doing it. I feel left out, deceived about his desire to do the program and stressed because I did not get time away.


Wandering through the mountains until 1am? Seriously? That sounds like a bunch of BS to me. I would be checking out his cell phone to see where he really went. Does he have an iPhone? If so, do this:

Open Settings, then select Privacy, then Location Services, then System Services, then Frequent Locations. This shows you all the places that the phone has spent repeated times visiting.

I would also quietly slap a GPS on his phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What else does he do in his "alone" time? If this is an example, then I suspect he is having an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We do a lot of hiking, backpacking, backcountry stuff. I have never taken my dogs out into the woods until 1:00am in the morning. That is reckless and dangerous honestly.

I agree with ML, this sounds very fishy.

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We live near the Great Smokies, and both my wife and I love hiking. She works full time and I am retired, but I wouldn't even think of hiking without her. This is a prime example of a recreational activity that should always be done together. Your husband does not have an emotional need to be alone. He is just engaging in independent behavior.


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I am definitely curious about his story, he does love to go camping and take a dog. (I still have not figured out why he doesn't want to go with me, although he likes to sleep out among the stars and I like a trailer to sleep in.) I love hiking and he loves hiking, but I cannot remember a time he asked me to go with him. I don't know why he doesn't ask me to go. I think he really just wants to be alone. He just wants the dog. It is one of his favorite things to do. He said he woke up at 1am and then saw my messages that hadn't come through earlier. He then texted me his "exact" camping location. He definitely struggles with independent behavior.
He started his job yesterday and before he started we made a UA plan. We were suppose to have a "date" last night. I got home late at 8pm from working and wanted to go out for an hour which at that point was all the time we had, but he would not get up off the couch to go with me. I kept asking him if he wanted to go and he wouldn't answer, he said he was trying to process. I had not eaten dinner but he had already eaten when I had gotten home. I was hungry so I went out alone. It really hurt that he didn't communicate with me about dinner plans, especially because he had asked me to make him lunch because he was going to come home for lunch to fill up his car tire with air. I made him a sandwich and a special dessert.
We watched the first few online seminar videos this weekend. He got really defensive when Dr. Harley spoke about Angry Outbursts and said, " That's not why I do it" when Dr. Harley said why people act that way. Last night I was frustrated and it came out as anger about him not telling me whether he wanted to go out with me for dinner or not, because until he decided, I just had to stand there and wait to make a decision on eating dinner at 8pm at night, and I was so hungry. So he texted me after I left and said, " I guess I am not the only one with angry outbursts"
Is there any hope? I am losing any hope that I had that this can work.

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This is his favorite activity to do alone. He also goes to outdoor stores, plays games on his phone, looks at Facebook,( but he has taken off any woman that I ask him to), watches tv.

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Yes there is hope Devoted. But you yourself need to start following the program and lead by example here.

You made a decision together with him to take a job that would make it more difficult for you to get UA time.

You made a plan for UA time which you yourself blew off by working late, expecting him to conform to a new plan once you did arrive home.

You had an AO. There is no room for AO's from EITHER of you in your marriage.

You cannot force him to be excited about the program, but you can clean up your side of the street and show him what is in it for him.

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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
I am definitely curious about his story, he does love to go camping and take a dog. (I still have not figured out why he doesn't want to go with me, although he likes to sleep out among the stars and I like a trailer to sleep in.) I love hiking and he loves hiking, but I cannot remember a time he asked me to go with him. I don't know why he doesn't ask me to go. I think he really just wants to be alone. He just wants the dog. It is one of his favorite things to do. He said he woke up at 1am and then saw my messages that hadn't come through earlier. He then texted me his "exact" camping location. He definitely struggles with independent behavior.


I would be checking into his camping stories because this behavior sounds very suspicious. I can think of 2 such stories over the years where a husband used his ["alone time"] to hook up with a lady. They were having an affair for years. Another man claimed he was playing poker every Friday night. Turned out he was having an affair.

I think its really cute that he texts you his camping location, but you need to make sure he is not camping out with some woman. Or some other place entirely.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have access to his phone and computer? Have you done any snooping?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My wife had a need for "alone time" which was really "sex with boyfriend time."
Not everyone is having affairs but you do need to quietly verify this.

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I see what you mean....I didn't want him to take the job but I knew I had no choice, he wanted to take it, so he was going to do it no matter what I said. He wants me to work to make us money so he doesn't care whether I work or not or whether it messes up our time together or not. It is hard but I will try and do what I need to do. So far this week we have only gotten to spend 45 minutes at Starbucks together. Hopefully next week will be better. We just watched the annoying habits video and he said he is not going to follow that and he thinks it is unbiblical. Oh well so much for that.

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Did he say what he considered "unbiblical" about it?

Just try to stay calm and be patient. There will be a learning curve for him and the ideas take a while to settle in. So let him complain to the coach or Dr. Harley about it. You could also email the coach. I wouldn't debate about it with him. Just say, "that's interesting" and follow it up with something about how happy you are that he is joining you in this. Keep in mind that the idea of changing makes people feel uncomfortable.




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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
I see what you mean....I didn't want him to take the job but I knew I had no choice, he wanted to take it, so he was going to do it no matter what I said. He wants me to work to make us money so he doesn't care whether I work or not or whether it messes up our time together or not. It is hard but I will try and do what I need to do. So far this week we have only gotten to spend 45 minutes at Starbucks together. Hopefully next week will be better. We just watched the annoying habits video and he said he is not going to follow that and he thinks it is unbiblical. Oh well so much for that.


I think you should start quietly preparing for a separation.
Continue the videos and MB courses. Listen to the radio show if you can when he is around.
Drew nice and be pleasant.
When is he going camping for "alone time" next?

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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
I see what you mean....I didn't want him to take the job but I knew I had no choice, he wanted to take it, so he was going to do it no matter what I said. He wants me to work to make us money so he doesn't care whether I work or not or whether it messes up our time together or not. It is hard but I will try and do what I need to do. So far this week we have only gotten to spend 45 minutes at Starbucks together. Hopefully next week will be better. We just watched the annoying habits video and he said he is not going to follow that and he thinks it is unbiblical. Oh well so much for that.


I am very concerned that you are ignoring my posts about spying on him. I think there may very well be an affair going on.

Are you reading my posts?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He didn't say what he thought was unbiblical about it. Possibly an excuse to not have to change anything. I left the room and didn't see the point in watching the rest of it, although maybe I should have continued it with him. I just felt so discouraged. Unfortunately we do not have the money pay for the coach part of the program. We bought the online seminar without a accountability person. When I get some more money I may pay for it, but he was not very happy about the money spent on the online seminar as it is. Thank you for your encouragement.

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Yes I am reading them and he did have an emotional affair in the past, so I know a little about how to find information, that is how I found out about the one a few years ago. I appreciate the information and am waiting until I have the opportunity to look at his phone. He very rarely does not have it by his side.

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Originally Posted By: Devoted2him
I see what you mean....I didn't want him to take the job but I knew I had no choice, he wanted to take it, so he was going to do it no matter what I said.


Would this kind of unilateral, thoughtless, decision making characterize your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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