Marriage Builders
Posted By: closed 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 06:15 PM
Hi. I just started Love Busters yesterday and i read where we should be having at least 15 hours of quality time together. I instantly felt a wave of hopelessness. Theres no way we can ever achieve this. We dont have a babysitter. And when he has to go get his son for the weekend i hardly ever see him those weekends because of the long drive to get him and taje him back. He leaves straight from work and gets home around bedtime. He works every saturday(temporary until we are debt free) and Sunday when he has hus son is a long druve taking him home. Me and the kids stay home when he takes his son home. During the week i see him about 2.5 hours after work before its bedtime. Do you all really spend 15 hours a week just you two together??
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 07:16 PM
Quote
Do you all really spend 15 hours a week just you two together??
Yes, and we have 7 kids (going on 8).

To do this, you have to set your priorities. You first schedule the time for your marriage, and then you fit everything else in around that time. Doing this is essential for the health of your marriage -- the program does not work without this step. We have found that by having the 15 hours a week together, we are also better parents and better employees. Life just feels better, and we are more productive.

It is doable, you will just have to change your lifestyle. Put your marriage first, and everything else will fall into place.

Posted By: Alada Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 07:43 PM
Yes, we struggled with this a lot, but we decided to make our marriage a priority and now it is really our priority. We have jobs, kids and other responsabilities as well.

And no, doing less hours is not an option, you start to feel the difference once you do 15 hours a week, no less. Five or ten hours a week will not give you enough time to make enough deposits, thus you will feel less motivated. Do not bargain with it, just do it.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 08:10 PM
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 08:41 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Hi. I just started Love Busters yesterday and i read where we should be having at least 15 hours of quality time together. I instantly felt a wave of hopelessness. Theres no way we can ever achieve this. We dont have a babysitter. And when he has to go get his son for the weekend i hardly ever see him those weekends because of the long drive to get him and taje him back. He leaves straight from work and gets home around bedtime. He works every saturday(temporary until we are debt free) and Sunday when he has hus son is a long druve taking him home. Me and the kids stay home when he takes his son home. During the week i see him about 2.5 hours after work before its bedtime. Do you all really spend 15 hours a week just you two together??

Many spend more time than that. The key is to prioritize your marriage before less important things. Once you do that, you will find the time. If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child, he can find time for his marriage.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 09:55 PM
??????? If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child??? Like what? Stop getting his son and quit his job? Okay...this really seems undoable in our life..we seriously do not have 15 hours a week. We barely have an hour!
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 09:57 PM
Just want to say i am happy for all of you who can do this. Unfortunately, I dont see a way at all in my marriage.
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:14 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
??????? If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child??? Like what? Stop getting his son and quit his job? Okay...this really seems undoable in our life..we seriously do not have 15 hours a week. We barely have an hour!

You do not have the time because you have not made the time.

We have the time because we make it a priority in our lives. It took work to change our livestyles so that we could do this -- it wasn't by some magic pixy dust or luck of the draw. We're not doing anything that you couldn't do, if you were willing.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:18 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
??????? If he can find time to go to work and pick up his child??? Like what? Stop getting his son and quit his job? Okay...this really seems undoable in our life..we seriously do not have 15 hours a week. We barely have an hour!

You actually have 168 hours a week. Do you think he could keep a job if he only went for an hour a week? Of course not. So how do you and he expect to sustain a marriage that way? You can't.

The issue is not that you don't have time, it is that you don't prioritize your time.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"You have 168 hours every week (24x7) to schedule for something. I highly recommend 8 hours of sleep a night, so that leaves 112 waking hours. Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours, and work plus commute may take another 50 hours. That leaves 50 more hours to spend doing what you value most, and 15 of those hours should be dedicated to maintaining a passionate and fulfilling marriage.

If you have not been in the habit of spending 15 hours a week for undivided attention, it will mean that something less important will have to go. But it will radically change your life for the better, because you will be investing in one of the single most important parts of your life -- your relationship with your spouse."
here

Like I said, if he can find time to go to work and drive to pick up his son, I assure you he can find time for something much more important, like his marriage. All it takes is willingness. How did he find time to pick up his son? How did he find time to go to work?

Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:19 PM
Quote
You have 168 hours every week (24x7) to schedule for something. I highly recommend 8 hours of sleep a night, so that leaves 112 waking hours. Getting ready for the day, and going to bed at night may require, say, 12 hours, and work plus commute may take another 50 hours. That leaves 50 more hours to spend doing what you value most, and 15 of those hours should be dedicated to maintaning a passionate and fulfilling marriage.

If you have not been in the habit of spending 15 hours a week for undivided attention, it will mean that something less important will have to go. But it will radically change your life for the better, because you will be investing in one of the single most important parts of your life -- your relationship with your spouse.
From The Policy of Undivided Attention
I suggest you read that whole article.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:20 PM
I am willing. But you dont understand . Theres no time to make time. I stay at home allll day. I dont go anywhere. Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.
Posted By: markos Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:21 PM
One thing that may help is planning to become debt free later. Debt puts much less strain on marriage than being unable to meet each other's emotional needs.
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:22 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
I am willing. But you dont understand . Theres no time to make time. I stay at home allll day. I dont go anywhere. Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

I stay home too. All day.
I have 8 kids.

If I can do it, so can you. You've given up before you even tried.
Posted By: FightTheFight Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:22 PM
There are 168 hours in a week. 15 hours is only 9% of the week. You can spend the other 91% doing almost anything else!

I would point out that you found time for your husband to squeeze in a job every Saturday. Presumably because you wish to be debt free. While that is a noble goal, you've traded your time together for it.

15 hours certainly isn't impossible if you think it through.

The intent on this forum isn't to scold you. It's to help you work through how and where to find that time. Would you be willing to work through that logically?

You seem to have your mind made up already that it isn't possible and aren't really open to solutions. Just an observation.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:34 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
I am willing. But you dont understand . Theres no time to make time. I stay at home allll day. I dont go anywhere. Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

Just so you know, this program does not work without this step because you can't possibly sustain a marriage on an hour a week. Going to work and picking up children will not sustain a marriage. And that's ok with us if you don't do it, but you will be wasting your time with this program if you refuse to spend 15+ hours of UA time with your husband every week.

When Dr Harley was in private practice he would refuse to work with any couple who refused to do this step, because "my program will not work without it."

Originally Posted by Dr. Bill Harley
"Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery."
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:37 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

But neglecting your marriage is an option? Doesn't that demonstrate that your priorities are messed up?
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:42 PM
I am not saying that I don't agree that having that time is important. I do believe that the emptiness of my love bank is mostly due to the fact of us not spending time together. We have been married 9 years and maybe been on 4 dates by ourselves. I understand that this program will not work without those hours. So maybe I need to look at another program? I don't feel there is time to "find 15 hours". Seriously.
Here's our schedule.
Tues-Friday wake @ 3am Hubby leaves at 4am to go to work.
He gets home at 5pm. We go to bed at 7:30pm (kids in bed at 6)
Fridays that he gets his son, I see him enough to say goodnight.

Every Saturday he works all day 10-8pm. This side job is a new job. And its just temporary until out of debt. We cant do without this job. It's been a blessing. We have to get out of debt..or we risk going under.

Sundays: Church 10-1:30. If its a sunday we have his son then we eat lunch right after church and he leaves right after lunch to take him home. And I dont see him till that night.

Mondays: (Off days of work and school)Grocery Shopping.

I just dont see getting 15 hours from that. Without neglecting the kids. Im not saying there ISNT time at all.....just not 15 hours.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:45 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

But neglecting your marriage is an option? Doesn't that demonstrate that your priorities are messed up?

Riiiiiiiiight. So quit your job and disown your son just so we can have more time for each other. That is horrible!
Lets loose everything we have, our home, our cars, but as long as we have each other it O.K...PFFFT!!!!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:53 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
I am not saying that I don't agree that having that time is important. I do believe that the emptiness of my love bank is mostly due to the fact of us not spending time together. We have been married 9 years and maybe been on 4 dates by ourselves. I understand that this program will not work without those hours. So maybe I need to look at another program? I don't feel there is time to "find 15 hours". Seriously.

There is seriously no such thing as a program that works if you neglect your marriage. it is not a matter of the right program, it is just a true fact that you can't sustain a marriage if you don't spend time with your spouse.

What magic program will produce a great marriage when you neglect it? There is no such thing.

Quote
Here's our schedule.
Tues-Friday wake @ 3am Hubby leaves at 4am to go to work.
He gets home at 5pm. We go to bed at 7:30pm (kids in bed at 6)
Fridays that he gets his son, I see him enough to say goodnight.

This is the first problem I would address. He needs to find a job were he is home at a reasonable hour. The job should complement the marriage, not the other way around. You can't expect to stay married this way.

If he found a job where he is home by 5pm every night, you could get 2-3 dates per week. [hire a babysitter] So there is 10 hours right there.

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Every Saturday he works all day 10-8pm. This side job is a new job. And its just temporary until out of debt. We cant do without this job. It's been a blessing. We have to get out of debt..or we risk going under.

Here is 4 more hours that can be devoted to your marriage. You can go out on dates on Saturday. He can either quit the job or find one that works with your marriage. This one does not.

Quote
Sundays: Church 10-1:30. If its a sunday we have his son then we eat lunch right after church and he leaves right after lunch to take him home. And I dont see him till that night.

If this is every week, you could make it once a month and you go on the ride with him. That way you could spend quality time together on the ride home.

Quote
Mondays: (Off days of work and school)Grocery Shopping.

Once again, if you have time to do all this less important stuff, you have plenty of time to go out on dates. All it takes is willingness.

Quote
I just dont see getting 15 hours from that. Without neglecting the kids. Im not saying there ISNT time at all.....just not 15 hours.

You are neglecting your kids if you are neglecting your marriage. And yes, you are neglecting your marriage.

It is in your children's best interest for you to haev a solid, secure marriage. By neglecting their marriage, you are risking their security!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 10:55 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Theres nothing to rearrange. And quitting his job and abandoning his child is not an option.

But neglecting your marriage is an option? Doesn't that demonstrate that your priorities are messed up?

Riiiiiiiiight. So quit your job and disown your son just so we can have more time for each other. That is horrible!
Lets loose everything we have, our home, our cars, but as long as we have each other it O.K...PFFFT!!!!

Ok, now you are being silly and dramatic. No one told you to have him "quit his job" and "disown his son."

Are you here to waste our time or find solutions? See, we have already achieved great marriages and are volunteering our own free time to help you.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:05 PM
No i am not. But I am NOT here for someone to insinuate for him to quit his job and disown his son. Unrealistic ideas. And that is all I am hearing from you.



Posted By: MelodyLane Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:07 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
No i am not. But I am NOT here for someone to insinuate for him to quit his job and disown his son. Unrealistic ideas. And that is all I am hearing from you.


No one has suggested any such thing. I don't have the free time to spend with someone who is not serious. Let us know when you get serious and we can help you find solutions.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:11 PM
He is not going to find another job. I think getting home at 5pm IS a decent hour...how is it not? He has looked for other options and this is the best one.
I don't "hire" stangers to watch my kids. And I don't know of anyone to watch them either. We don't have much of a social life. It's mostly just us.
How is riding with him to drop his son off spending quality time when there are others (kids) in the car?

As far as finding another program......I will. I just don't agree "your marriage is ruined if you don't devote at least 15 hours a week ". I'm sorry. But I think if we can aim for at least 2 dates a month we will survive!
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:13 PM
Yes you have Melodylane! Every time I said sometime about his job and son you were there to quickly tell me how my priorities were worng and this and that. Like my only option was for him to quit his job and leave his son. Which I stated hes not going to do , thus, you had to of known thats the impression I was getting from you.
Posted By: Denali Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:28 PM
We will be locking this thread if this bickering continues. If you are here to find solutions and follow this program, the forum can help, but if not, this thread is a distraction to those who are seriously seeking help.

Do you have a serious question for the forum volunteers? If not, we will be locking this thread.
Posted By: markos Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:32 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Yes you have Melodylane! Every time I said sometime about his job and son you were there to quickly tell me how my priorities were worng and this and that. Like my only option was for him to quit his job and leave his son. Which I stated hes not going to do , thus, you had to of known thats the impression I was getting from you.

You have to do something about this. You don't necessarily have to follow MelodyLane's suggestions, but you have to find the time somehow - people don't stay in love without enough time to meet each other's emotional needs.

The two of you have to solve the problem together.

It's clear that by not doing this, you've created a situation that makes you unhappy.
Posted By: markos Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:34 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
As far as finding another program......I will.

I'm afraid you will be disappointed, but good luck to you.

Quote
I just don't agree "your marriage is ruined if you don't devote at least 15 hours a week ".

You don't have to agree, but that is the conclusion of Dr. Harley's research into the subject, and most of us here on this website have personally verified it in our own marriages.

What other problems are you facing in your marriage besides lack of time?
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:35 PM
Quote
I just don't agree "your marriage is ruined if you don't devote at least 15 hours a week ". I'm sorry. But I think if we can aim for at least 2 dates a month we will survive!
How has following your own ideas about marriage helped you the last 9 years? You admit your lovebank is low ... Dr. Harley's program has been proven to work, if followed.

Did you read the quote from Dr. Harley about the hours in the week you have available to you?

Posted By: buildsherhouse Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/25/15 11:47 PM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
I don't "hire" stangers to watch my kids. And I don't know of anyone to watch them either. We don't have much of a social life. It's mostly just us.


Believe me. I know how hard it is to find a safe person, that you can afford to hire and that's after you get over the mindset that by having a babysitter you are compromising your kids morality.

However, you acknowledge that what you do or have done so far is leaving you out of love with your husband. At some point, even for your solution of two dates a month, you will have to take a new look and approach to hiring someone to watch your kids.

So my suggestion is.... you are home All day. Make some friends.Perhaps you could start with someone from church or a social group. Do you homeschool? Ask who other people with families like yours use for babysitting. Hire one of their teens that's great with kids and responsible. Hire the teen to come entertain your children a day or two while you do a project and can overhear and observe how they get along.
Or trade babysitting with another mom.
Or look for an older lady or widow who would love the time and interaction with your children and would love the job.

The point is whether you think 15 hrs is ridiculous or not, you are facing the need for change. Start a list of what might be possible instead of saying it is not possible and giving up.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:00 AM
Yes I did. If we are both thinking about the same quote. The one that was posted in this thread?
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:01 AM
Im not sure. To be honest I am unclear what are true problems or just me "imagining" there are problems. According to my husband we are just fine.
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:04 AM
Yes, the quote in this thread. You have plenty of time. But you, like the rest of us, will have to schedule it.

Quote
According to my husband we are just fine.
It is not uncommon for the husband to feel like everything is just fine while the wife is feeling like things are not quite right. Usually by the time the husband shows up for help, the wife is ready to leave him and is walking out the door.
Posted By: Prisca Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:05 AM
Quote
I just started Love Busters yesterday
What lovebusters are going on in your marriage?
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:07 AM
Thank you so much for your reply. What you said makes sense to be. I just- I dunno...i really felt overwhelmed and freaked out earlier.. I honestly felt there was no hope. I want to see hope in this..(thats why I bought all 3 books). I know something HAS to change in our marriage but didn't know what. I'll be honest.....15 hours a week scares me to death! I am a planner and if things aren't planned out just so.. i can't deal with things real well. And knowing that I have to try and find time when I already feel there is none just overwhelmed me greatly.

Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:09 AM
I dont know yet. I just started the book so I'm not even finished with chapter one yet. My husband and I were supposed to do this together, i read, then he reads some in his own time and we come together and talk about it.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 12:11 AM
Well i guess I should say that I have plenty of time....its my husband who doesnt frown
Posted By: apples123 Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 02:10 AM
It will be harder at first but like anything else, you will grow used to the new routine.

Some solutions, like the babysitter and riding along on the trips to pick up his son you can do this week or next.
Posted By: closed Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 02:16 AM
Originally Posted by apples123
It will be harder at first but like anything else, you will grow used to the new routine.

Some solutions, like the babysitter and riding along on the trips to pick up his son you can do this week or next.

Would the car trip count towards quality time?
Posted By: apples123 Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 02:27 AM
Others, like a new job, down-sizing house and cars, etc., can take weeks or months. But you should begin building a lifestyle which supports the marriage.
Posted By: apples123 Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 02:29 AM
The trip can be valuable time to share intimate cconversation, at least the time alone.
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 03:24 AM
Is moving an option?

That 13 hour drive twice per week could be whittled down significantly if it were reduced to a more reasonable transportation time and leave each of those two travel days into the very achievable goal of scheduling two of 4 hour dates right there.

Now, you would only have to prioritize 7 additional hours for romantic dates.

LTL
Posted By: LearnedTooLate Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 03:37 AM
Maybe I should have asked if making your marriage a priority is enough of an incentive to Choose to Want to move to provide the necessary 2 dating sessions of 4 hours each.

That's similar to each and every obstacle in your path to achieving the desired goal of meeting a minimum of 15 hours of romantic dates per week.

You are not there yet, but what will undoubtedly happen when your Love Bank goes completely dry on the destined current path you are on?

Will there possibly be some emotional needs that one of you seek out, especially you, since you are the one partner experiencing the lack of a Love Bank balance?

Read through the Surviving An Affair subforum on here to see how prevalent affairs are and quite often by people who swore on their life that one would be impossible for them to ever consider. They occur when one spouse either Actively solicits an illicit secretive relationship, or more commonly, when one spouse needs the consoling emotional support from someone other than their own spouse, seemingly quite innocent at first, then bursting with unbridled infatuation. I don't feel that is a path you currently desire, yet it Will become an option down the road if you remain emotionally deprived and starved.

Or, will you become so calloused by the state of the status quo that a Divorce may someday seem like a viable option?

Now, how would any of those scenarios better Anyone in your Family, including your Husbands Son?

Those That Think That They Can, Do.....

Those That Think They Can Not, Don't.....

Do you think that you Can or Can Not?

LTL
Posted By: markos Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 04:04 AM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Im not sure. To be honest I am unclear what are true problems or just me "imagining" there are problems. According to my husband we are just fine.

mm, this is really common. It is usually the wife who is the first to sense that there are problems in the marriage.

What you're going to need to do is to become a bit more insistent that your husband do something about these problems. You can see why some things are a problem for one spouse but not the other. Lack of sex - not a problem for many wives, because that's a more typical male emotional need. Lack of conversation - not a problem for most husbands, because that's a more typical female emotional need.

Lack of time together is typically not a problem for most husbands. They may have all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't feel it is a problem, either, but you need to be a bit assertive that it IS a problem and keep bringing it up, insistently, and keep this on the front burner until it is dealt with.

So, what problems DO you see in the marriage? We're sure your husband doesn't agree, that's typical, but what problems do you see?
Posted By: markos Re: 15 hours a week??? - 11/26/15 04:07 AM
Originally Posted by Modestmama
Well i guess I should say that I have plenty of time....its my husband who doesnt frown

In my experience, when a wife is saying that it's impossible to get the 15 hours, this is what it almost always comes down to. Her husband won't make the time because he doesn't see that there are problems and he doesn't see it as being important enough to modify his schedule for.

This is why you are going to need to be more insistent to him that you need him to do this. Yes it's a big life change, no it's not easy, it wasn't easy for anyone here. But it's as predictable as sunrise that marriages where the husband and wife don't make time for each other die.

You're seeing that - what problems are you seeing?
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