MilkyWay Looking for support - 02/09/20 11:08 PM
This is HersheyKiss's husband and I'm going to chime in on this..
Let me start off by saying it is irresponsible for anyone to give permanent, life-altering advice to people who come here seeking help without first hearing both sides to a bilateral argument. No conflict is ever as simplistic as one person's version of the state of their affairs. For anyone to assume they are adequately informed on the complex edifice of someone's problems in life based on a few posts on the internet is gravely mistaking. I'm appalled by some of the things I've read in this thread. This is a forum for reconciliation-not a casual text message equating to something like, "hey girl... he do you dirty!" So, when people post things encouraging my wife to drop me and to go find someone else to marry, remember this: we have 4 beautiful children together who we love dearly and we have been going through hell to make it even this far. Your comments are NOT helping matters at all. I encourage you to save your negative ill-informed remarks and instead dig out the facts by asking lots of questions in order to gain deeper insights and provide different view points on solving problems. Do it not and this entire forum will turn into an echo chamber of frantic ne'er-do-wells sniveling about themselves claiming to have been so very right to say they've been so very wronged. We're all hurting...
I have been beating my brains for years in this relationship trying to work things out with HK but you will not hear about my trials and tribulations from her. I cannot stress enough saying this relationship has been insufferably difficult and relentlessly tiresome. We have gone through four or five counselors, I have relocated my residence six times during our relationship and I have gone through four different employers including creating/dismantling a business we owned back in Texas. I have quit using nicotine, quit a pornography addiction (which she still accuses me of), quit using caffeine products, changed my diet to carnivore, and completely eliminated alcohol from my life (alcohol was easy because I never really liked drinking anyway). This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to hoops I've jumped through attempting to appease my wife. I could write for hours about all the things I've done to help HK feel at ease. Like, calling my cell phone provider to prove to her that I wasn't hiding a secret second phone, or letting her investigate my clothes and my body to ensure I didn't smell like I had been with another female. It continues on and on...
I don't want to go through and pick apart everything HK has posted. I will just say that I believe most of our current points of contention are derived from my lack of desire to want to be on the phone with HK 24 hours a day. In case you didn't know, HK and I used to stay on the phone 24 hours a day, even during sleep. HK is a very insecure person and being on the phone constantly became a crutch for her to lean on. It allowed her to listen in on every interaction I was having. It allowed her to hear all the banter around me and it would give her better insight into what I was doing at all times such as, writing something down, typing on a computer, or going to the restroom. Being on the phone at all times was HK's golden ticket to feel secure.
Eventually, being on the phone started to become a problem. Some counselors we were seeing raised concerns for privacy. People were being listened to by my wife without foreknowledge nor consent. HK began to coach me during conversations I was having with my coworkers. She began telling me on the spot that she doesn't like what someone is saying or doesn't like how I'm responding to a comment. She began jumping into conversations between people around me and it became upsetting to me. HK's choice of words with me became hostile and fundamentally unpleasant. Dr. Harley said she couldn't force me to stay on the phone with her so she gave up trying to make me do it. Ever since then, things have been sliding backwards; becoming progressively worse between us.
I believe HK could say that I have done a pretty good job following POJA when it comes to needing to go places or trying to do things together. After we stopped being on the phone I found myself using my phone and computer at work to stay busy and that became the major point of contention. I would listen to videos and podcasts on my phone or use my computer to do school work or play games. This has become a massive problem for HK because she fears I will see content she doesn't approve of or find that playing games or doing school work is more desirable than spending time with her. She is probably right in her assessment because HK doesn't spend recreational time with me. Besides that, I don't believe we actually have many problems with POJA except for coming to an agreement on what to do when I'm at work. We can't seem to solve this problem.
Since this problem arose, HK hasn't followed POJA for anything. She has gone through her days doing as she pleases with no regard for my input on her decisions. I want to make this very clear: I have complained to HK about her IB but, like everything else I've complained about, it has fallen on deaf ears. One of my greatest problems with HK is that my complaints never seem to be taken seriously and I believe its because I've been expressing them without anger. I express my complaints but I don't feel the need to weep over them or retaliate in any way when my complaints go ignored and this is a stark contrast between my reactions and HK's reactions. These problems and our pitiful reactions have got us into some really deep muck that I don't see much hope of climbing back out of.
We are subscribed to Dr. Harley's $900 program. We got to lesson 3 but HK decided that she will not do lessons with me if I am not following POJA to her liking. My argument is our lack of undivided attention time is directly contributing to my neglect for POJA. The more UA time HK and I spend together the more I feel like getting closer and letting her in on my moment to moment life. If we are not in a good place HK becomes a very unpleasant person to have around and I'd rather not engage her. But, the more UA time we spend together the more I want to be involved with her. For example, we had a really good night of UA and family commitment and it made me feel like I wanted to get her on the phone with me again. I called her and slept with her on the phone with me that night. Well, eventually HK became unhappy with my work life so she decided to stop the MB program. We have since digressed into nothingness.
As of now, we had a bad miscommunication last night. She is not talking to me and I fear she is not going to allow me to see the kids anymore.
MW
Let me start off by saying it is irresponsible for anyone to give permanent, life-altering advice to people who come here seeking help without first hearing both sides to a bilateral argument. No conflict is ever as simplistic as one person's version of the state of their affairs. For anyone to assume they are adequately informed on the complex edifice of someone's problems in life based on a few posts on the internet is gravely mistaking. I'm appalled by some of the things I've read in this thread. This is a forum for reconciliation-not a casual text message equating to something like, "hey girl... he do you dirty!" So, when people post things encouraging my wife to drop me and to go find someone else to marry, remember this: we have 4 beautiful children together who we love dearly and we have been going through hell to make it even this far. Your comments are NOT helping matters at all. I encourage you to save your negative ill-informed remarks and instead dig out the facts by asking lots of questions in order to gain deeper insights and provide different view points on solving problems. Do it not and this entire forum will turn into an echo chamber of frantic ne'er-do-wells sniveling about themselves claiming to have been so very right to say they've been so very wronged. We're all hurting...
I have been beating my brains for years in this relationship trying to work things out with HK but you will not hear about my trials and tribulations from her. I cannot stress enough saying this relationship has been insufferably difficult and relentlessly tiresome. We have gone through four or five counselors, I have relocated my residence six times during our relationship and I have gone through four different employers including creating/dismantling a business we owned back in Texas. I have quit using nicotine, quit a pornography addiction (which she still accuses me of), quit using caffeine products, changed my diet to carnivore, and completely eliminated alcohol from my life (alcohol was easy because I never really liked drinking anyway). This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to hoops I've jumped through attempting to appease my wife. I could write for hours about all the things I've done to help HK feel at ease. Like, calling my cell phone provider to prove to her that I wasn't hiding a secret second phone, or letting her investigate my clothes and my body to ensure I didn't smell like I had been with another female. It continues on and on...
I don't want to go through and pick apart everything HK has posted. I will just say that I believe most of our current points of contention are derived from my lack of desire to want to be on the phone with HK 24 hours a day. In case you didn't know, HK and I used to stay on the phone 24 hours a day, even during sleep. HK is a very insecure person and being on the phone constantly became a crutch for her to lean on. It allowed her to listen in on every interaction I was having. It allowed her to hear all the banter around me and it would give her better insight into what I was doing at all times such as, writing something down, typing on a computer, or going to the restroom. Being on the phone at all times was HK's golden ticket to feel secure.
Eventually, being on the phone started to become a problem. Some counselors we were seeing raised concerns for privacy. People were being listened to by my wife without foreknowledge nor consent. HK began to coach me during conversations I was having with my coworkers. She began telling me on the spot that she doesn't like what someone is saying or doesn't like how I'm responding to a comment. She began jumping into conversations between people around me and it became upsetting to me. HK's choice of words with me became hostile and fundamentally unpleasant. Dr. Harley said she couldn't force me to stay on the phone with her so she gave up trying to make me do it. Ever since then, things have been sliding backwards; becoming progressively worse between us.
I believe HK could say that I have done a pretty good job following POJA when it comes to needing to go places or trying to do things together. After we stopped being on the phone I found myself using my phone and computer at work to stay busy and that became the major point of contention. I would listen to videos and podcasts on my phone or use my computer to do school work or play games. This has become a massive problem for HK because she fears I will see content she doesn't approve of or find that playing games or doing school work is more desirable than spending time with her. She is probably right in her assessment because HK doesn't spend recreational time with me. Besides that, I don't believe we actually have many problems with POJA except for coming to an agreement on what to do when I'm at work. We can't seem to solve this problem.
Since this problem arose, HK hasn't followed POJA for anything. She has gone through her days doing as she pleases with no regard for my input on her decisions. I want to make this very clear: I have complained to HK about her IB but, like everything else I've complained about, it has fallen on deaf ears. One of my greatest problems with HK is that my complaints never seem to be taken seriously and I believe its because I've been expressing them without anger. I express my complaints but I don't feel the need to weep over them or retaliate in any way when my complaints go ignored and this is a stark contrast between my reactions and HK's reactions. These problems and our pitiful reactions have got us into some really deep muck that I don't see much hope of climbing back out of.
We are subscribed to Dr. Harley's $900 program. We got to lesson 3 but HK decided that she will not do lessons with me if I am not following POJA to her liking. My argument is our lack of undivided attention time is directly contributing to my neglect for POJA. The more UA time HK and I spend together the more I feel like getting closer and letting her in on my moment to moment life. If we are not in a good place HK becomes a very unpleasant person to have around and I'd rather not engage her. But, the more UA time we spend together the more I want to be involved with her. For example, we had a really good night of UA and family commitment and it made me feel like I wanted to get her on the phone with me again. I called her and slept with her on the phone with me that night. Well, eventually HK became unhappy with my work life so she decided to stop the MB program. We have since digressed into nothingness.
As of now, we had a bad miscommunication last night. She is not talking to me and I fear she is not going to allow me to see the kids anymore.
MW