Uninterested angry wife - can this be saved? - 07/14/20 08:56 PM
This is my first post. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Married to my wife for 25 years. First marriage for both. Seven children (8 to 22), five still at home.
I tend to be the more permissive laid-back “buddy” parent, while she is more strict but loving. I work full-time with good salary. She stays home and does homeschooling lite. No infidelity, as far as I know.
Marriage was off to a good start but last 20 years, not so good. Here’s the pattern:
• Everything is going “fine”, or so it seems
• I do or say something which leads to her being offended/annoyed
• She gets angry with me, over that, or something from a week ago, or something from a year ago. Anger may also be taken out on kids.
• She essentially leaves the marriage – stops talking nice to me, becomes belligerent, hostile, non-affectionate, non-sexual. I’m her worst enemy.
• I remain perplexed as to what is happening
• After 0-2 weeks, I convince her to open up and she explains why she is upset
• I either 1) apologize, or 2) try to clear things up, or 3) rage inside because of the injustice, or occasionally 4) we agree to some kind of compromise.
• Miraculously we return back to step 1
This has happened 20-30 times. I occasionally do dumb things - legitimate offenses maybe 20% but the rest is just silly misunderstandings, minor disagreements (how much candy, TV, video games the kids should have), etc… She amplifies the offense, looking for reasons to be more angry (“you looked at me funny at a party last year”). She makes false accusations, accusing me of thinking or intending things that I was not. She’s also said some pretty unkind things: I’m not attracted to you, I don’t want to have more kids with you, you’re lazy (very far from the truth).
Couple months ago, decided I couldn’t take the abuse(?) anymore and she agreed to marital counseling, which we did for a month, each of us individually with the counselor. But when the counselor wanted to meet with the two of us together, she refused to continue. So I’m stuck.
I feel like my continued attempts to appease and keep peace in the home is not working, because the cycle hasn’t broken. It needs to break, but I honestly can’t determine the best way to do so. Some things I’ve considered:
• Stop attending church with her. The church has no idea of any of this and she is afraid our friends will find out what’s going on and maybe this fear will motivate her to work on the marriage.
• Move out, but stay local so I can see the kid every evening. But as long as she gets to keep the big house and lifestyle, she might actually like this, since it doesn’t seem she likes me that much. I’ll be poor but at least have peace.
• Ask her to move out. Not crazy about this idea.
• Just stay put and accept being roommates. The Christian thing to do?
I am depressed, discouraged, and tired, but I want this to work.
Thank you.
Married to my wife for 25 years. First marriage for both. Seven children (8 to 22), five still at home.
I tend to be the more permissive laid-back “buddy” parent, while she is more strict but loving. I work full-time with good salary. She stays home and does homeschooling lite. No infidelity, as far as I know.
Marriage was off to a good start but last 20 years, not so good. Here’s the pattern:
• Everything is going “fine”, or so it seems
• I do or say something which leads to her being offended/annoyed
• She gets angry with me, over that, or something from a week ago, or something from a year ago. Anger may also be taken out on kids.
• She essentially leaves the marriage – stops talking nice to me, becomes belligerent, hostile, non-affectionate, non-sexual. I’m her worst enemy.
• I remain perplexed as to what is happening
• After 0-2 weeks, I convince her to open up and she explains why she is upset
• I either 1) apologize, or 2) try to clear things up, or 3) rage inside because of the injustice, or occasionally 4) we agree to some kind of compromise.
• Miraculously we return back to step 1
This has happened 20-30 times. I occasionally do dumb things - legitimate offenses maybe 20% but the rest is just silly misunderstandings, minor disagreements (how much candy, TV, video games the kids should have), etc… She amplifies the offense, looking for reasons to be more angry (“you looked at me funny at a party last year”). She makes false accusations, accusing me of thinking or intending things that I was not. She’s also said some pretty unkind things: I’m not attracted to you, I don’t want to have more kids with you, you’re lazy (very far from the truth).
Couple months ago, decided I couldn’t take the abuse(?) anymore and she agreed to marital counseling, which we did for a month, each of us individually with the counselor. But when the counselor wanted to meet with the two of us together, she refused to continue. So I’m stuck.
I feel like my continued attempts to appease and keep peace in the home is not working, because the cycle hasn’t broken. It needs to break, but I honestly can’t determine the best way to do so. Some things I’ve considered:
• Stop attending church with her. The church has no idea of any of this and she is afraid our friends will find out what’s going on and maybe this fear will motivate her to work on the marriage.
• Move out, but stay local so I can see the kid every evening. But as long as she gets to keep the big house and lifestyle, she might actually like this, since it doesn’t seem she likes me that much. I’ll be poor but at least have peace.
• Ask her to move out. Not crazy about this idea.
• Just stay put and accept being roommates. The Christian thing to do?
I am depressed, discouraged, and tired, but I want this to work.
Thank you.