Hi all...verrry new to this. Thanks in advance for your time. It took me a while to post here...I posted somewhere else but think this might be more 'professional' so to speak. And I'm feeling at a loss. Don't know where to start...been married for 15 years and have children. Wasn't attracted to husband when I married him, but he's smart and nice and after dating around quite a bit decided that the 'falling madly in love' thing just doesn't happen twice and if I couldn't make it work with him then I wasn't going to make it work with anyone. Just a decent person, yk? I just sound bad already. Had a rocky first 3 years, separated twice, and when I came back to him the 2nd time I thought I had it figured out and I knew I didn't want divorce in my life. Catholic and all, it'd just be a bad think yk? I could overcome the differences we had to make it work. Come to find out now, he was pretty done with me then but says I just didn't give him the chance to say so. (?) He's emotionally unavailable to me and I return in kind. We are very lonely people in our marriage. But we get along for the most part. He's a good job. I quit work to be home with kids. Counselor says we're pretty much living on parallel patterns vs. intertwined. That's true, I'd say. I think the distance between us makes it easier for us to stay together if that makes sense. And then there's the intimacy. We have none. No emotional or sexual intimacy. And he agrees. And I hate to say this...reallly hate to say it....but I've never, ever given myself to him totally. Ever. Emotionally or otherwise. He's amazed that we're still together after all this time. Our intimacy is like...idk...I smile, try to look like I'm happy and wait till it's over. He never touches me, cuddles or anything. Hugs goodby and a peck on the mouth is about the extent. I've periodically told him we had to stay together for the kids. And so we have. He's refused to see a counselor in the past when I've asked him. I am seeing one now and we have joint appts. but he's doubtful of the counselor's ability to change my thoughts...yet says he wants us to not divorce. I've had physical attractions to other men and crushes that I've waited out until they're gone. I'm married for heaven's sake, right? But then a few months ago, I got into a funk because I ran into my ex-fiance in my home town and it was like getting hit by a huge flipping truck. I know he still loves me. And I can't believe I'll never have love like that in my life. I'll never have that emotional or sexual connection with someone. Being with my husband just feels wrong. I've never touched his face. I have to force myself to reach out to him during sex. And I don't know how to overcome that. He's changed tho he says and now has a tatoo to anchor it and talks to me more and is happier since he's done it but it doesn't change the way I feel or my obstacles. Trying to talk with a counselor. Feeling really stupid and horrible about it all. Especially for my kids. Sorry I'm not more skilled at this posting thing...but I appreciate whatever your feedback is....

There's a great big huge chance that what you think about your ex is a FANTASY, otherwise he would not be an ex, correct?

Here are some quick easy steps you can take right now:

1. No contact with your ex, ever.

2. Spend time with your H. Look under the Questionnaires tab at the top of the page for the Recreational inventory, and find some things you and your H both enjoy (or think you will enjoy) and commit time to doing them. Lots of time. The minimum UA standards around here are 15 hours a week. (UA= Undivided Attention)

3. Read the material on this site. A lot of it is geared toward marriages involving infidelity, and I get that you think you have not been unfaithful, but you have. In your heart and your mind, you have.

Weekends are slow, stick around and read the articles and Q&A columns while you wait for responses.

Hi What2say,

Welcome to MB! Sorry you're suffering but glad you're reaching out for answers. I don't post much but your title caught my eye. (Suggestion for the future, please put hard returns in your post to break it up into smaller paragraphs. More people will be able to reply that way.)


What2say,

You are very brave to post what you have. If you're serious about finding a solution, you've come to the right place. Many will be able to help you. Please continue to be honest about your feelings, no matter how bad you may think you sound. That's the best way to find ways to fix what may (or may not) be broken.

Best wishes to you.

Ace

You're at the 'fake it til you make it' site. Here, we tell you to:

• learn what Love Busters YOU do that your husband doesn't like, and stop doing them (look for the LB questionnaire to the right)
  
• learn what his Emotional Needs are, and meet his top 5 - consistently; whether you want to, or not (fake it til you make it, remember?); there's an EN questionnaire, too; ask him to fill it out
  
• fix your schedule so that YOU and your HUSBAND (not the kids) are spending at least 15 hours a week together doing the sort of things you would have done when you were dating - fun stuff, good stuff, 'togetherness' stuff; it will help you fall in love with him and vice versa

If you do these simple things, you will see your opinion of him change. You will fall in love with him.

You entered this marriage on a false pretense; you never gave him a chance because you told yourself you were settling. But inside that man is a great, decent, wonderful guy whom you never met. Let him in.

I am the husband. This is probably going to be a little different than what normally happens, but my wife and I are doing this with complete honesty and openness, so we can figure out what is right for both of us.

This all came to a head just after she reconnected with her ex. She wouldn't tell me what the problem was for a while, but I pretty much guessed what it was. After fifteen years of being married, it is hard to hide things without your partner having suspicions that something is going on. I decided then that either my wife and I would have a great relationship or we should get a divorce. I am just not sure how to get there from here. Anyway, this is my side of the story.

I met my wife immediately upon taking a job in a new city and we started hanging out. I was fairly new to relationships and while I had several relationship encounters before my wife, she was my first full sexual experience. I was pretty shy at this point and really wasn't very good at maintaining any kind of relationships. I take full responsibility for this. I have been to counseling a while back to address these issues, but my I don't think they were fully resolved until recently. From early in our relationship, there just seemed to be a momentum carrying us along. I hesitated pushing any commitments with her, because I could feel that things weren't as much as they should be between us. We ended up getting separated a couple of years after our marriage because I discovered that she was having an affair. She moved out and we continued on with our lives. During this time, I met an old girlfriend that I really had a crush on (kind of the equivalent to her ex). She was married at the time, so we didn't get too far into the relationship. Shortly after that, my wife called me and told me that she really didn't want a divorce and that she wanted to move back in and try to work things out. I still loved my wife, as much as you can after being hurt, and so I agreed. Shortly after that, my old girlfriend called and said she was getting a divorce and wanted to know what my situation was. I told her that my wife decided she wanted to work things out and haven't talked to her since. I think I have been carrying resentment about the loss of the other relationship and the affair ever since.
Since then, my wife and I have moved to another city and I have a good job that I really like. We are financially stable and comfortable in every way other than in our relationship. We have two great kids and I would hate to see us throw it all away for something that may not be real. On the other hand, if there is no hope for us and her feelings for her ex are real, then, I believe we need to get a divorce. I just don't know how to do that without causing resentment, and I really don't want to end up hating her. She would move back to where we met with the kids, and it would be very difficult for me to see them.

I have come to grips with my anger and resentment through some NLP techniques, so I am really very okay with doing whatever is right. She is pretty certain that what she feels about her ex is real and that she can't possibly feel that way about me. We ordered the Marriage Builders home program, but she is very hesitant to participate. I don't want to be pushy with her, but I feel like I am done being stuck in this relationship.

Glad you are here.

Her feelings for her ex are a fantasy. Grass is greener. Total waste of time because the 'fog' has hold of her. Ignore it.

Follow my advice for her, just in reverse. IF you follow the steps, you won't have time or feelings left in your life for a third person.

W2S,

First of all might I suggest different logins so at least everyone can keep straight who is speaking so that we know how to reply.

Mrs W2S, My wife also found that she was not in love with me and was instead in love with someone else. It wasn't an old flame, but actually someone she had recently met. But she was convinced that it was the real deal, that what she had shared with me was not and that she could never love me the way she loved him. She could not see her feelings for me ever being as substantial as what she felt for him either in the past or the future.

That was almost 4 years ago now. We've been through a lot of turmoil and stress since then, but today our marriage is better than at any time in our over 36 years together. This was in fact the very thing she told our class we were teaching at our church on Marriage Builders concepts. We BOTH attribute our current feelings for each other to doing what MB has taught us.

Mr W2S,

I am not surprised one bit that this all seemed to come to a head right after her reconnection with an old flame. That is how many an affair starts.

You may very well currently have your feelings and emotions under control. I know I got a grip very quickly. But also be aware that you will have many ups and downs along the way and hat you might be fully committed one moment and ready to throw in the towel the next. Completely normal for this stuff.

To both of you:

If you have read the Basic Concepts (linked on the navigation bar at the top) you can see that Dr Harley teaches that the feeling of being in love is actually a response to stimulus. As such the proper stimulus will produce the result of the feelings if things are done the right way.

So it is very possible for Mrs W2S to fall head over heals in love with Mr W2S. The home study course would be an outstanding way to accomplish that very goal.

And Mrs W2S, you must realize that the best of all possible worlds would be one in which you are passionately in love with the father of your children. This is possible and in fact likely if you follow the program of Marriage Builders.

But one thing that will always stand in the way, not only of having a good marriage with your husband but also your ability to develop strong and passionate love for him will be a continued relationship with this old flame. This man cannot have any place in your marriage. As long as you are expending energy on maintaining a relationship of any kind with him, you cannot put forth what it will take to restore the relationship with your husband. You must never see, speak to or communicate with this man ever again.

You can have a wonderful, happy and loving marriage, but it will not be possible as long as OM is held in a place, not of fondness or kept in a status of "lost love" but a place where he is seen as an option for your life and future.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Be sure you have read the Basic Concepts and also both read the letters in the Q&A column section under the heading of Infidelity.

Mark

\
What, you are in the right place. This program can help you learn to create romantic love in your marriage. You are BOTH seeking romantic love, but have sought it in places where it is unsustainable and unachievable. Your affair with the ex and hers with her ex are both hopeless situations that wouldn't make it anyway. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years and those that make it to marriage have a 70% divorce rate.

The biggest problem I see now are her feelings for this EX. This is a fantasy relationship that will fail anyway but it has become a new point of comparison for her. Once he is out of the picture, though, that will change. Is he married and does his wife know about this renewed communication? Has ALL contact ended with him? All contact should end for LIFE.

In addition to the home study, I would strongly IMPLORE you to get some phone coaching with Steve Harley. He can assess your situation and lay out a PLAN of recovery specifically suited to your situation.

But, the first step has to be an END to any and all contact with this EX.

MrsWant, how far along is this affair? Have you seen your EX? How are you communicating with him and how often? Is he married? Have your kids been told about the affair?

Mr and Mrs What, Mark is exactly right. Many of us here have used this program and have achieved happy, PASSIONATE marriages that are romantic and fulfilling. This program really does work like no others.

And please do sign up and get a separate screen name.

You might also have this moved to the Surviving an Affair forum because your MAIN PROBLEM is your wife's affair. Although that has been minimized, [typical] and other problems in the marriage focused on, it *IS* your main problem. Most spouses in an affair typically point to the past problems in the marriage in an effort to distract from the MAIN ISSUE, ie: the affair.

From Mr. W2S:

Sorry about the same login, but we had a hard time setting up our login with a lot of error messages. We are still have to get the other one fixed.

I do feel that I have handled the affair and have let go of it... really.

Also, I am not sure how to proceed as there is not very much interest on her part to work on this. We had an argument when we filled out the EQ because she just wasn't into it. Is this really something a couple can do if one has no interest in it?

We are also on another forum where most all of the advice is to get a divorce. I think that has taken precedence right now.

There is no reason whatsoever to divorce. This can be saved. I have seen situations that were 10x worse than this turn into happy, fulfilling marriages.

Has your wife ended all contact with the OM?

From Mr. W2S:

No. She has him as a contact on facebook. It sounds like they aren't talking a lot, but I know they do some.

Is he married? Have they seen each other in person? Are they speaking on the phone?

MrWht, I will try and explain the dynamic that is at play here. An affair is an addiction that impedes the thinking of the wayward spouse. It is like being high on alcohol or narcotics. When a person is addicted to an affair, they do everything in their power to JUSTIFY it. This is why your wife is focusing so much on the "bad marriage." Sure, the marriage wasn't great, but it is an attempt to distract attention from the REAL PROBLEM, which is the affair.

The affair makes it impossible to fix your marriage because your wife is high. A person who is high cannot think straight, nor can she possibly reinvest emotionally in your marriage as long as the affair is ongoing.

The solution is to FIRST stop the affair. Just as an alcoholic cannot sober up unless he stops drinking, an affairee cannot recover unless she stops her affair.

The affair has to be stopped first. And I mean ALL contact. No phone calls, no facebook, no nothing.

The affair should be exposed to everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins them. It is the most powerful weapon you have in recovering your marriage. Family, friends, children, the OM's wife should all be told. I would tell your children the truth so they can understand the source of the turmoil in their family. Your children and the OM's wife all have a right to know about the affair so they can protect themselves from the OM and your wife.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has saved thousands of marriages using these principles and here is what he says about exposure:


Exposure

From Mr. W2S:

I don't really know the extent to which they communicate. He has been divorced for a while, so there is no wife on the other side.

She is already very angry because I told her we need to expose the relationship.

She doesn't have to agree to exposure.

Will she agree to end all contact with him? How far has this gone? Have they slept together?

MrW, here is an article that explains your current dilemma:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 1
How Do Affairs Begin?

From Mr. W2S: (I don't think Mrs. W2S will be on any time soon)
This morning my wife accidentally replied to an entire facebook group detailing our pending divorce and our lack of sexual relations over the past few months.
This kind of outed our problem, so people are talking about it now.

I also talked to some of our family and friends about her attraction for the other guy. She is very angry at me now and says she hates me.

She does not want me to talk to the kids about anything and made me talk to a psychologist friend of ours about the scarring effects of subjecting children to our marriage problems. Our kids are 5 and 8 and may be too young to understand our situation.

...Also, she says the ex is not on facebook anymore and they already discussed not continuing the relationship. I am not really sure what that means. She is in complete denial that she has done anything wrong and that I have turned this into something bad.

Both this thread went downhill fast. Mrs.Want2 you come here and ask if you can get help, and within a short time you are angry at your H for disclosing your affair, after you disclosed to all your friends about your sex life.

Am I missing something here or are we dealing with children.

If you are offended, tough.

Mrs.Want2, there is an old saying You have done absolutely nothing to water this marriage and somehow this is your H's fault. You won't let him try and not "rebuild" but "build" a good marriage and it can definitely happen.

You may think that you two are leading very separate lives but he clearly has more powers of observation than you have given him credit for...he sensed your A very quickly.

You won't tough him, you won't have sex, you won't share your life, and you won't act like a W. Have I missed something. I hate to tell you this, but any relationship where one party won't do what you won't do is doomed, including one with your ex.

Mr. What2, I would strongly suggest you read about the policies of "radical honesty" and "joint agreement" first. then read about love busters and avoid them, then start to work on the issue of needs and the love bank. I would also encourage both of you to read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. I am confident if you and Mrs.What2 actually followed those rules your marriage would improve tremendously.

There is lots to learn and it will seem deceptively simple, but rest assured it is not easy. You two can make this work, but it takes work, and a recognition of what your vows really were.

Neither of you vowed to "feel in love" with the other. What you vowed to do was "love" the other one. This "love" is an action and it is not dependent on feelings or even the behavior of the other, that is why there is the "richer or poorer, in sickness and health" part. Each of you vowed to "love" the other, and to paraphrase the old Tina Turner song, "What do feelings have to do with it?"

Please do the reading, please both of you ask lots of questions, and please sit down and really think about this carefully.

God Bless,

JL

.

MrW2S, it looks like your wife has ruled your entire marriage. Which means she has lost respect for you. You have to stand up to her. Letting her 'make' you talk to a psychologist - as if you were one of her children - is a big mistake. I'm not telling you to fight with her. I'm telling you to decide on what you need in your marriage, and stand firm on that. She's acting like a spoiled child and you have to be the adult. If she 'made' you retract your last post here, STOP IT! You are a grown man. You can post anywhere you want. There's a poster in Recovery, Barnboy, whose wife is acting the exact same way. He thought they were recovered, but she continues to duke it out with him over who is stronger Don't let it get to that point.

Hello Mr. W2say,

Wow.....the more I read about your situation, the more I realize that there are probably far more details than either of you have posted.

It. Doesn't. Matter.

Your M is not beyond repair. If you're willing to find a way (with or without her being involved) to recover, your marriage can actually be better than it has been for 15 years. How do I know? Because our M was far worse than yours for 32 years and it's 1000% better now because we have acted on the many suggestions that have been posted to you.


Mrs. What2say,

I do hope you're willing to try to recover your M, if not for you and your H initially but for your kids. As I posted yesterday, I had similar thoughts of our detached M for most of our 32 years pre-A. Even though I was looking for a justifiable reason to divorce, I had no idea what getting a D would mean to all aspects of my life (especially how it might affect our 2 grown kids). Find out all that Plan D entails before you proceed down that road. It would be better if you posted here but if you'd feel more comfortable emailing me, my address is at the end of my Saga linked to my sig line below.

Best wishes to you,
Ace

Thanks cat for the concern. Actually the post was one from Mrs. W about how she felt about some of the above comments. She said she later regretted them and deleted them.

I don't know if she has ruled the marriage, she would probably argue that I ruled the marriage. There HAS been a lot of conflict over little things. From what I have read about the Marriage Builders program, it should help us get through some of these problems. One thing I have realized is that it is VERY difficult to give when the other person is not. I am chalking it up to a learning experience. I do have fears that we will get started on the program an not finish it which I understand could lead to disaster.

As far as the conversation with the psychologist, she called him when I told her that it was suggested here that we reveal the affair to everyone including the kids. She just called me into the room and handed me the phone.

MrW, your problem has not been "outted," to your friends, it has been SPUN. Your wife is having an affair and is trying to pin the divorce on YOU and your marital problems. She is spinning the problem so that others won't know the true cause: HER AFFAIR.

All of your friends and family should be told about the affair. They need to know the OM's name so they can know the name of the enemy at the gate. Her parents need to know and so do your children.

And yes, your wife will be angry that you interfered with her affair. Just as every crack head is angry when you interfere with the source of their high. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive her affair.


She wants you to help her HIDE her affair from her kids so she can blame the problem on your marital problems. This is nonsense. Lying to your children about your wife's affair teaches them dishonesty. It is adultery and lies and divorce that scar little children, not the truth. Your children should be told the truth about their lives. Dr Harley is one of the leading psychologists in the US and specializes in recovery from adultery. Here is adamant that the children be told:


MrW, exposure is your most powerful weapon against her affair. Please expose this affair everywhere:

exposure

Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:



here

here

here

MrW, the solution to marital problems is not divorce and not an affair, but to work to turn it around. The reason your wife is asking for a divorce instead of committing to fix the problem is because of her affair. If she would end her affair, her feelings towards you would change. But your marriage has NO HOPE whatsoever as long as she is addicted to the OM. She must end contact and withdraw from him emotionally in order to recover your marriage.

And yes, it can be recovered. She can fall in love with you. But the first step has to be an end to her affair. I suspect she won't be willing to end her affair, which should indicate to you her addiction. She might even agree to end it "for now" but you will likely find it goes further underground. People in an affair always LIE about their contact, so I would strongly suggest you independently monitor her activities. Since it would be counterproductive for me to post some methods here, you can go read up on the Surviving an Affair forum to find out how.

I am sorry to have upset your wife. But you are being gaslighted, Sir, and I don't think you really understand the true nature of this situation. The problem is the AFFAIR and in typical affairee fashion, she is attempting to deflect from her affair by blaming YOU and the state of the marriage. She will continue to blame YOU until the truth comes out. She will blame you to your children too.

Thanks Melody for the input. The psychologist I talked to said that he sees many adults who are screwed up because their parents involved them in their marriage problems. My number one concern here is for the children, so I want to make sure I am right here.

Does anyone else have any opinions on whether to tell the children and how to do it without screwing them up?

W2S, it's not the telling to the children that screws them up, it's when they become victims of their parent's choices, like your W's choice to have an affair and destroy the family.

Telling the kids about it doesn't harm them. The actions taken harm them.

MrW, I don't believe that. Telling kids lies teaches them dishonesty and causes moral confusion, it does not turn them into well adjusted adults. It teaches that wrong is right. It is adultery and divorce that screws up little kids, not the truth. There is a wealth of evidence to support that statement.

There is no evidence that telling children the TRUTH about their lives screws them up. That is nonsense. Dr Harley is absolutely correct. If anyone tells you that telling children the truth harms them, they are giving you false information.

I would point out that Dr Harley is credentialed, reknowned psychologist with 35+ years experience. He has specialized in this over the majority of his career.

Children KNOW when something's wrong with their parents. Unfortunately, their parents are their whole world, so they don't know any better, and them blame THEMSELVES.

Why? Because you aren't telling them the truth. Kids will hear the truth - in all its ugliness (mom made a mistake and kissed another man) - and say 'OH, ok, that makes sense now. So, what are you going to do?'

Knowing she made a mistake will NOT torture them for life. LYING to them will set a lifestyle in place - THEM lying for convenience - that they'll be unable to get out of for life.

PLEASE be the adult here, since your wife is incapable, and tell them the truth. It probably will never even be brought up again, unless she continues the affair; at which point they will share their disappointment with her (as they should) and it might be enough to shake the fog out of her skull.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views, but she is right on in this aspect.

If anyone wants this 1 hour MP3, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

MrW, do you not find it a little self serving and ironic that your wife wants to "protect" your children from hearing the truth, while she destroys their family to seek her personal happiness in an affair?

Her goal is obviously not the best interest of your children, but the whitewashing of her crime. She doesn't want the kids to know the truth about what she is doing to them and their father.

We tried to talk to the kids about it, but it didn't really register with them. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to move on. We filled out our EQs a couple of days ago. Her second most important requirement is that she be physically attracted to her husband. She says she thinks I am attractive, but just not to her. She has an aversion to being touched in any way by me and says she feels relieved that I don't touch her. She is in therapy, but who knows where that will go? Should I move on?

HI Mr. What2say,

Please re-read all the suggestions on this thread, this website and the materials you've ordered. Decide what you want.

You can change the dynamics of your M. Many of us have experienced the same or worse as you and we've used these concepts to overcome it.

It will take work on both of your parts but YOU can only control YOU. If you are willing to make the effort, go for it. If I were you, I WOULD NOT GIVE UP YET.

Best wishes to you,
Ace

She has an aversion because she is in an affair and she is emotionally detached largely because of her affair. That can all be changed if she ends her affair.

Did you tell the kids the full truth, that she wants out so she can pursue her affair?

Let us know if you want to work on saving your marriage. This is far from hopeless.

Mr W2S,

Please do yourself a favor and stop trying to make logical sense out of the emotionally driven stuff a woman having an affair with someone else is saying. It will drive you nuts, drive you to do things you won't normally do and don't want to do and will eventually drive the rest of us nuts when you realize your mistake.


You have kids, right?

They are in fact YOUR children, right?

So you HAVE had sex with your wife, right?

In the early days you probably had a lot more sex than recently, right?

She began to disconnect from you and the sex dropped in frequency, right?

Now she's telling you that this old flame/OM has nothing to do with your problems, right?

The PROBLEM IS THE AFFAIR!

She's not emotionally connected to you because she's invested her emotions in someone else.

THAT is the problem in your marriage right now.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Mark

This is a chance for your marriage to grow not die. Both of you can do this. The options other than that will only bring you more pain and sorrow and will be devestating for your children.

Just one more input to debunk the bogus concept that "being involved in parent's marriage problems screws up kids".

What screws them up is parents using them as PAWNS. The truth does not harm them. The affair, and the abuse the person having an affair heaps upon the children -- unwittingly -- is the source of the problem.

So let me give you an example. I'll think for a few minutes... Oh, right, I'll use ME.

My mother is a serial adulteress. She cheated on her husbands multiple times, but I'm only aware of her being caught three times. She would use me as a pawn against my father, trying to recruit my support, lied to me about the source of the problem for months before she finally moved in the other man and I saw the source of my problems made flesh.

I hated and despised my new "stepfather" until the day he died two years ago. In fact, I still hate and despise the dead. I like her just a little bit more. I would love her if she hadn't manipulated me, lied to me, and tried to use me as a pawn to get her way.

My father, on the other hand, was a doormat. He let her steamroll him into divorce, moved himself out of the house, and my only resentment of him was for not sticking up for his marriage and not staying close to home where I could have had my dad to go to rather than the adultery partners making the beast with two backs loudly down the hall from my bedroom.

But he has my respect for at least being honest with me throughout the entire process. My mother, on the other hand, earned my enmity forever for using me and lying to me.

So when you're talking about people getting screwed up because their parents involved them in their marital problems, let's be VERY CLEAR what behavior leads to screwed-up people like me: LYING to your kids and USING THEM as weapons against your spouse. Telling them the truth is not using them as a weapon. Telling them the truth is an object lesson in your own values of truth over lies. Telling them the truth shows them you love them enough to give them the facts to figure out their problems. Telling them the truth gives them the tool they need to understand their life and learn to make responsible choices.