I've been divorced for about 6 months but separated over 2 years. I've dated a couple of times but they weren't good dates. I've tried to get my ex out of my head by doing other things, but I still think about her every day, almost to the point of obsession. I don't know if I'm going through some depression or is this natural or what. I don't want to think about her. Has any of you had this problem before? If so, what did you do? Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessing like a stalker or anything. I just have the what ifs all the time and wondering who's she with or what she's doing or if she's ok...

Closure. Sounds like you need closure. What in your life r u willing to discard or do to help you bring closure?

L.

Somtimes I think the concept of "closure" is overrated. I don't know if that is the case here, but the concept of "closure" is too often used as a catch all phrase for our discomfort and inability to deal with a situation.

Just my .02. I could be wrong.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know about closure...

I do know that I was emotionally dependent on my husband in a very unhealthy way for a very long time. Obsessed was a good word for it.

I used to ask my Al-Anon sponsor on a regular basis: "How do I stop the crazed obsesive thoughts??" Her infuriating answer was always: "Make a decision."

In the end she was right. When the thoughts started, I would deliberately choose to think about something else, or start an activity that would force me to concentrate.

When I started learning, sloooooooooooooowly, to put my focus on me instead of him and what he was doing...I found I had alot of free time to do alot of other stuff.

The beauty of this place is we continue to learn. I do agree there is no 100% fix for everyone.

Regards the closure piece, I thought similar to you but for me I found it really did help. Why? Because for me the A issue was an emotional ride that I was not prepared for. Sure I did think about what I would do if my H strayed but when reality hit home, I was still thrown for a loop. Part of my recovery was to get closure.

At the end of the A is when the marital recovery began. It had many false starts which I choose not to count towards real recovery. Went back to square one each time. After the recovery began, I found out my anger issues did not subside. Reading the experiences here helped me see that I was not the only one to harbor ill will to the Xws. While that is not my general nature, it was there and I had to deal with it.

For me part of my closure consisted of going to the ocean and crying my heart out. Screaming for help at the top of my lungs (making sure no one would think I was crazy - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) and taking in refreshing breathes of the ocean breeze comforted me in a way I never imagined. But it did not stop there, 2 years later I had t/d another type of closure, thsi time much closer to home and no screaming. I still cried. You may not agree with my actions but I take full responsilbity. I choose to remove something I once held cheristed in my life.....my custom made wedding dress. The piece I disliked the most is the one I kept. All the imported lace, satin and silk was diliberately cut up and thrown away. From a logic standpoint it didn't make sense but my heart needed to heal. H was there and gave me my space to do this in. Then he came in aplogized for bringing the pain that brought me to this action. He held me and together we threw away the dress. It symbolically showed us that part of our past had gone for good. We still have our wedding pictures (though that came close to being destroyed much earlier) and our memories. We have our lives and our son. We still have a future.

Even if H didn't come back, I would have done that. The closure was for me.

I share the suggestion in hopes it is an option that can help. I certainly understand if it doesn't apply or work for all.

JMHO,
L.

So, what is closure really? How do I get closure? I rarely speak with ex. Yeah, I'm sure I have alot of questions that need answered and only she can answer them, but I don't think she's gonna be a willing participant in that. So, what else do you do to get closure?

These questions you asked are precisely why I say the concept of "closure" is misused at times here (many times). In my mind, closure is acceptance of a situation and acceptance of MOVING on....and then the ACT of moving on. I don't even know how one defines what closure is. Is it the act of getting answers for your wonders of why the WW did this to you and your marriage closure?...I think those answers may NOT ever come....so if you use that defintion, is it correct to say that you will never get "closure"?....ofcourse not. The concept of someone else granting you closure is IMO faulty. I think ONLY you can grant yourself "closure"....and I am still not even sure what "closure" means. I think this is where you are still so hung up. You are seeking answers to questions that may never get answered, or be "answerable" for that matter.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When we say "closure", I think we're waiting for that "AHA!" moment. The thing that will make you say, "Ohhhh, so *that's* why you did that. I still don't like it, but I understand." It's the thing that will make you see the reason behind it all. And ya know? Even if you could talk to your EX, you're not going to get that. If she truly understands what she did...it can't help you now. Really, too much time is past. I think you'll have your closure when you realize you're not going to get closure, know what I mean?

For me, closure would be my STBX truly understanding everything he did. The pain he caused me, my son, and himself. It would be him understanding how letting another into his heart skewed his whole perspective of me and our marriage.

I understand that I'll never get that. Or rather, by the time karma bites him in the [censored], I won't care anymore if he understands what he did or not. When I finally realized that HE would just not ever ever get it while it was still important to me, I got closure, but in a different way in which I was originally searching for it.

For me, closure happened after about 2 1/2 years - I guess a little long by the Harley's standards. But it took that long for me to accept the fact that WH lost out being part of my life, and is the loser in this.

But you have to get on with your life and have a nice one, before you get to this point.

If "closure" (which is probably an individual thing, both in its meaning, and what it takes to get there) is beyond reach...

maybe "acceptance" is the best we can ask for.

I think closure, in this context anyway, requires something from someone else -- the WS -- and sometimes it's just not there.