After living through almost 20 years of lovebusters, I am truly, finally and completely "out of love".

A quick background on the LBs: My H is self centric, is loudly opinionated about everything (his opinion being the smartest, of course), has gone through multi-year periods of refusing to help with the house or children, says mean things when he gets angry and loses his temper (a very controlling behavior since I have to zip the lip to not set him off, and "take" his temper flare-ups without responding in kind so as not to escalate). I don't think I'm the only one who has a hard time dealing with those characterstics, as he frequently offends his own family with unsolicited "wise" opinions and in every work environment he's been in, has had at least one or several people who can't stand him.

As long as I just focus on behaving to not set him off and take his temper tantrums as they come, listen to all of his "wise" conversations where of course his perspective is the only one that has any smarts (he also puts others down a lot, including people in both of our families), then our home is happy on the surface. But, there is only so long a person can do that. His tantrums are only verbal - never physical - but some of them towards the kids have been pretty ugly , too (verbally). Along with the verbal outbursts, his facial expressions are ferocious.

(His temper tantrums have escalated over time; they didn't exist when we dated, but have grown worse with each passing year of our marriage.)

I realized I was no longer in love with him about 8 months ago, when for several months he kept threatening to leave each time he was "set off". I felt that was the ultimate "control" on his side - displease him (it didn't take much) and he would lash out about leaving. No matter how nicely I would try to respond to the issue, he would launch into a verbal tantrum and declare that he should just leave.

However, after several months, he quit with the threats so I continued to co-exist peacefully and with a smile. He promised to stop the threats, and has told me to put that behind me and stop holding it against him. I can try to do that as best as I can, but the consequence of his behavior is still there - I just don't love him anymore.

After a recently nasty flareup, I think he realized there was a change in my perspective (I don't think he understands fully what my perspective is - I have NEVER told him that I don't love him anymore) and has started to try very hard to rescue the marriage. All the things he has not done for almost 20 years - physically affectionate, trying to make emotional connections as a loving spouse, going out of his way to give me a kiss at least once a day, etc. We have even started marriage counseling (he initiated). However, I just don't have anything left in me to respond, even though he has promised to do his best to guard his temper (he has promised that before - ha!).

Presently, I'm still co-existing with a smile - but every time an LB hits, I have a hard time even doing that. Depending on the LB, I almost feel sick to my stomach because I don't want to react for fear of breaking the very fragile current situation by saying something that would initiate a flare-up - which means back to zipping up the lip. Some days when I zip the lip, I feel classic heart-attack symptoms when I lie down to go to sleep - chest and upper back pains, tingling left arm, but I know it's just anxiety since I've had it checked out thoroughly. (I promise I'm not a hypochondriac - and am rarely actually sick.)

I cannot bring myself to be so selfish and initiate a separation and devastate my kids' home. I don't think they have the slightest clue as I have tried very hard to manage my behaviour so they can grow up in a "happy", stable environment. If we didn't have children, I would most absolutely not be in the relationship any more, even if it meant I could never Biblically remarry. (I'm a Christian, he is not).

I'm not perfect, but my behavior (for years) has been heavily weighted towards keeping him from lashing out or minimizing damage, so I don't think he can accuse me of being the one who is hard to live with. For example, I believe my worst LB to him is that I'm not as organized as he'd like (I'm a full time working mom w/ school age children - don't get a lot of help from him in the home or with the kids.) I'm happy to try to correct my LBs, but that isn't anything close to the scale of the LBs I'm dealing with from him.

What to do? I guess I just need, more than anything, the proverbial "kick in the pants" to restore my determination to continue on for the sake of the kids. Any perspective on how to do that would be appreciated. I don't even WANT to fall back in love . . . but then if I don't fall back in love, that's a pretty bleak future.

It sounds to me like you, and the kids, are victims of verbal and emotional abuse. That can be as bad as physical abuse, perhaps even worse because you don't have the scars and bruises to "prove it" to someone who might be skeptical about your sitch.

This abuse has naturally turned you into a classic conflict avoider (I know, I am one too), and this means resentment is building up because you cannot address his LBs.

You said you are in MC. Have your brought this up to your MC? Has he/she coached you in ways to address his LBs ("feelings" statements and such)?

You didn't mention your kids' ages, but you did say you want them to "grow up in a 'happy,' stable environment." I'm not a fly on the wall at your house, but from what you wrote, this does not sound like a happy, stable environment to me.

There is a book by Patricia Evans called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond." I have not read it but I have seen it recommended on many occasions to people in your sitch. You might want to pick up a copy.

But truly, address this in MC if you haven't already. It's going to take a long time for loving feelings to return if you've been putting up with 20 years of abuse. My heart goes out to you.

If this doesn't stop, DO NOT feel obliged to stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids become a reflection of their environment, and certainly you don't want them growing up thinking that your H's behavior is normal and acceptable.

Take care, Sunny, and feel free to post more questions here.

You have checked out the site and the stuff about ENs and such, right? There's lots of good information there.

Based on living with 20 years of LoveBusters, I would think that it is up to your H to prove himself. Address some of this stuff in marriage counseling. Let him prove to you through consistent actions that he is changing.

You said he's promised to guard his temper, and that he's promised that before. Well, now its time for him to "put up or shut up". Definately bring this up in MC. If he fails to keep his word on this, it will destroy any progress he has made in earning back your love and trust.

You said you're a Christian. I would recommend that you pray for him - pray for his salvation (since you said he is not), and pray that he will wake up to his responsibilities to you and the marriage. He may have woken up to them already, but he needs to prove that to you, and that will take time.

But, if he does prove it to you, and if he does eliminate his LBs and start meeting your ENs - than I think the "in love" feelings will return naturally. You won't need to force them.

Are you familiar with Plan A and Plan B?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Mrs. W8ing

You have an Angry Husband. He is hostile, so his laziness around the house is the least of your worries. He bullies you into doing things and uses intimidation as a way of getting out of doing housework and parenting duties. You give in to avoid conflict.

Now I know you are going to think this advice is nuts—but then so is your husband.

First and foremost you need to accept the fact that his outbursts are caused by his own frustrations as well as the way he was en-cultured to deal with them (probably as a child from his own dad.)

You are going to deprogram the part of his brain that has wired itself to respond to frustration with anger. This is a two-phase project.

Phase one: Putting limits on his temper: (you do this for about a week or until you notice things starting to change. Then you can start phase two).

The next time he yells, muster the courage to take a stand, even if it means literally standing up and walking away. Calmly tell him, “I can't talk to you when you're shouting at me. I want to hear what you have to say and when you calm down I will listen and we can resolve this together.”

Be prepared for him to initially get more angry.

If he keeps yelling, say just the word “stop” and put your hand out like you are stopping traffic. Wait a few seconds and do it again and then once more. Stay calm.

If he does not calm down after three “stops” (or starts up again after briefly stopping) then calmly walk away. You can leave the room or the house if possible.

After some time has passed and he has calmed down, you can approach him by saying, “Would you like to talk about it now?” but you don’t have to do this unless you want to.

You can also say, “I love you but I'm sorry I had to walk away because your explosive outbursts are hurtful, and really destructive to our marriage and family.”

The bottom line is that until you put limits in place for his out-of-control behavior, there's no reason for him to behave in a more appropriate way. You have to be firm and calmly and lovingly let him know you won't accept it anymore.

During this phase DO NOT come across as angry or withdrawn. Do not argue or belittle. Instead compliment him often, flirt with him, and use any opportunity to say “Thank you” or “That makes perfect sense.” Remember -- men rejuvenate themselves by focusing on things they can solve and feeling appreciated, valuable, attractive and sexy.



Phase two: Instead of walking away, now you do the exact opposite—you walk to him.

Watch him closely. Study his body language. When you see an angry outburst unfolding or beginning, calmly walk up to him gently place your hand on the side of his neck (you’re feeling for tense neck muscles but don’t let on) kiss him on the cheek and say, “It’s okay. Just relax. I love you” --or whatever soothing words you can come up with. Keep feeling those neck muscles for feedback. If you feel the tension waning gradually stroke him with your other hand in a loving (or even sexual way if the kids are not watching).

If you begin to see progress or find him responsive to this technique, post back for more advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thank you very much for all of the feedback.

Since I posted this, I had an individual session w/ the MC, and she tended to agree that this might not be something that can be saved. My husband chose the counsellor (female, secular). Discouraging, but yet validating. What I'm looking for is renewal, though, not validation.

I did come to one decision: there is no way that I'll leave because I can't take it anymore. The worst possible outcome would be to disrupt the kid's lives because of a "me" need. The outbursts are not daily because I manipulate my behavior daily. Frequency wise, there is a inappropriat angry reaction to one child or another, or me, about twice per week (in total), with a quite strong one about once per month. There are about 3 or four nasty, no-holds-barred major blowups per year - blowups being on his side because I never, never respond with a raised voice. There would be alot more if I behaved honestly rather than analyitcally. So their home, as they know it, isn't that bad.

I'll get the book that GBH recommended. It looks very good and maybe it will help me verbalize what I need to back to him.

To cutherbert calculus, I used to pray that my love for him would be renewed, which is why I think it never was completely dried up. But I don't desire to pray that anymore. I just want the burden to go away. But you're right, I think, given the decision above, that's what I need to get back to doing.

I hadn't realized Plan B was for anything other than infidelity until I went back to the link that was posted above.

The advice you guys provided helped me think up a plan:

THE plan: Start modifying MY behaviour to behave/react more honestly - not keep things in to keep the peace. Then, allow his promise to work itself out - he either keeps it or doesn't. Pieta has some great suggestions on how to react. Very helpful. If that fails, then plan B might be a good option. It's discouraging to read that most plan Bs never move back together again - but it makes perfect sense. If you're free of the burden, why would you want to take it back again?

Hopefully an inkling of feelings will come back. I'm pretty discouraged at thinking that I'll be with him for the rest of my life.

Thanks so much to all who posted. This has been very helpful, and I can't wait to read the book.