I am gemela's BS and this is her first post. I promised her and myself both that I will never see this but I wanted to ask the favor that you welcome her to MB and not come down on her. I forgave her already so none of you has the right to treat her otherwise. I have asked her to come here to get help that I think she needs. She is still confused and in the fog and can use your help. We can use your help. I am going to make a dashed line here and, from there on, it is pure gemela. I will never come back.
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Im 31yrs old woman, i have two girls, 5yrs and 7yrs, my husban is 47yrs old and we been married for 9 yrs. I falin love with a youn man, 4 yrs younger than me, and even he is not here any more i still loving him, I want to move with him, but im afraid to leave my family, Im totally confuse, I fell depress, I cry every single day, and I don't know what to do, I don't know if Im going to love my husband again, please helpe me, I can't think clearly know.

Welcome Gemela.

You are not alone. You can get a lot of support here. I am glad you are here.

Welcome to MB. Please read the great material provided here, buy and read Dr. Harley's books and put what you read into practice with your H, your H has to read and put into practice too. You can love your H again if you put all your effort into it. Don't try, JUST DO IT! There is no such thing as try. Work with your H not against him. Look at reconciling your M as a task you and H must do together as a team. It is hard work, but you can do it and it will be well worth it.

Good luck and God Bless!

Welcome Gemela. I am both a FWW and a BS. You are very fortunate to have such a supportive husband.

Gemela, first things first. Your husband seems like a very nice man.

I've been where you are. I told someone the other day that I thought I was going to die from grief when my A ended.

I didn't and 2 years later I never think about him any more. I was all prepared to leave my husband and I am very glad I didn't. The OM was a fantasy, it was exciting because it was an affair. It would never have lasted in the cold light of day.

My A was with my old high school boyfriend. We went out at school from when I was 13 until I was 18. I broke up with him back then because I didn't think the life I would have with him would be what I wanted.

Nothing had changed 30 years later when we met again, though I thought it had.

Why did you marry your husband? Think carefully about how you felt about him when you met him.

Gemela, we're here for you. There are lots and lots of women on this board who are very, very pleased they didn't leave their marriages.

Gamela, I am a FWS and my story is very similar to yours. I first came to the site at the urging of my H and had hoped that someone, after hearing my side, would tell me that leaving my H is the right thing to do. While no one gave that advice, I did get some good comments and good advice that I will pass along to you.

There was a reason that you started your A. You and your husband should fill out the EM and LB questionnaires and discuss them. I found this to be very helpful in understanding many of the problems I felt were in my M. Since I don't know you, I don't know how difficult that task will be for you. I can tell you it was very difficult to sit down with my H and talk about my feelings. However, it is an important first step.

As for staying with your family, my only comment is - why not give it a chance. You and your H should work on those problems identified in the EN and LB questionnaires for a while and see if your feelings change.

I too wanted to leave for the OM. I cried all the time and thought I was giving up a truly great relationship-one that I would not have with my H. After some time, I realized that the A was not a great relationship, it was not sustainable. I tell you this as someone who still does not know if my M will survive, so don't think I'm trying to preach to you. Look at it this way-what harm is done by trying to reconnect with your H. If it doesn't happen, then you will know that you both did all that you could do. If it doesn't work out, you can then leave and hopefully find a realtionship built on a foundation of truth and honesty, not deception.

Welcome to MB. I hope this will help and I hope you know that you are not alone with your feelings. good luck to you and your H.

KiwiJ is very wise. She may not know this, but when I first came here, her posts, along with Suzet and others, were really helpful in getting me out of the fog and back with my H. Now when I look back at my A, I realize that FOM and I would never have had a future. It never would have worked.

Are things perfect between H and me? No, nothing's ever perfect, but I like my life and can't imagine what it would be like without my H.

I'm a FBS and a FWH.


I'm going to assume your OM knows you are married. If you were taking a multiple choice test, which answer would you select for the following question:

Which integrity is most important to you?

A) The integrity of a man who would knowingly enter a relationship with a married woman with little or no concern for her little girls and husband's well-being.

B) The integrity of a husband who would forgive you and still want you afterwards?

Wow, you sound so much like me! I am currently involved in an A with someone I dated in my teen years. The A has lasted almost 2 years, but I don't know if I can break it off. We are both M but feel as though we are in love. We share a child from this A, although only OM and I know the OC is his. I love my H as the father of our 2 children, but the love doesn't extend much beyond that. Help, guidance?

sfjaj,

how old is your OC? Is your H the father on the BC? I think it would be best if you started your own thread and you get some feedback from a couple of betrayed husbands that are raising their W's OC as their own. These men are heros in my eyes.

My OC is 6 months old. The OM is the father. My H does not know of the A so he believes he is the father of OC. The OM knows the OC is his

yes, hi is a very nice man.
I have to tell you, we are leaving in Saudi Arabia, I started my A. April last year, he was my girls swming teacher, we had normal chats, until one day I invited him for a dinner, Im sorry to say this but that night we ended in bed, so since that moment we became like one soul mate. My H found out about my A in August, and he went and talked with his boss so "my friend" quit his job and on september he went back to England. Since that we been intouch by phone almost every single day and i don't know how to end this A. I miss him a lot and he miss me, I feel like im gonna die. He said he wants me so badly and wanna spend the rest of his life with me. He keeps saying Im the woman of his dreams and he will wait for me.
My H also belives, this A is a fantasy, but i don't see it like that, maybe my H is right.
I don't know if one of our problems, between my H and I, is the diference of age, what do you think?
When i meet my H, we didn't like each other, was until we start talking frecuently, when we realise we like each other, that time I was 21 yrs old and my H was 37yrs old.
Please, tell me what to do!!!!!
Thanks.

Gemela,

Welcome to Marriagebuilders! This is the one place no one would like to be, but a lifesaver for most of us. By the way, I speak spanish so if you ever have trouble with the language just let me know.

First thing you have to decide is whether YOU want your marriage to work. Just think of YOUR MARRIAGE and YOUR family , forget all the rest and decide whether you want to give it a chance.

If you decide that you want to give it a chance and probably even have a better marriage, we can help you. This is a marriagebuilding forum, so that's what the 40 000 plus people here DO. We believe in marriage and infidelity is NOT part of a marriage.

Several wayward spouses have written and pointed out how similar they acted and felt during their affairs as you do now. They have also pointed out that the only way you can even attempt to rebuild your marriage is by having NO CONTACT with the OM (other man). As long as you are in contact, even if it's only by e mail or by phone, you won't be giving your marriage a fair chance.

Read all the material on this sight, read as much as you can and you will see that your situation is not unique and that you have very little chance of ever being happy with your OM. Your relationship with him is based on dishonesty and fantasy. Those two things do not lead to a healthy, happy relationship.

So, first step is to decide to make your marriage work. Second step is to have NO CONTACT with OM. The third would be read and learn everything you can about marriage and relationships.

Keep posting, but also, please read what is written to you. You are getting good advice. If you don't understand just let me know.

We can help you, we want to.

waiting for you....

Ola ! Gemela....

It's very good to meet you....

I've heard VERY good things about you....yes, from your h.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

these are hugs... {{{{{gemela}}}}}


I'm giving you a hug because you need one....


all this craziness......



you, Gemela....said it best yourself...


"I can't think clearly now"


I can't think of a better reason for you to not make any huge life-changing decisions right now.....

why 'run away' to someone else??..especially if you're not thinking clearly.....

that's not the heat of true love and passion...though it feels like it sometimes....it's the heat and passion of all the CRAZINESS....

the craziness has to stop...because you need to breathe.....

really BREATHE.....


you need to stop talking to the OM because it is STRESSING you out....

when 'love' turns into something that feels like its killing you....you need to stop, step back, breathe, ....


the best action you took was to come here.....

look.... already...so many are here to help...

it doesn't seem like it to you...but so many of us know EXACTLY how you feel, and have felt....


read things here......

try to see how you and your h can make things better together....

I know i have to stop talking to the OM, but I can't. I feel like Im going to die, It's like I need to hear his voice every single day, if not I feel depressed, sad and I cry every time. I can't stop thinking about the OM and what i feel for the OM, I never felt before.
I love my H, but i don't have any feelings for him, that makes me sad.
Any ideas!!!!!
Thanks

Gemela, sorry I didn't answer before but I don't have access to MB at work.

Have you read the answers that have been posted? Have you read the articles by Dr. Harvey on this website?
Have you read Surviving an affair?

Dr. Harley has many years of experience and has helped thousands of couples! Affairs do not last! They are a fantasy based on lies and dishonesty! Think! Do you think that OM will be honest with you, will you be honest with him? Why should you be?

If you should decide to work on your marriage I'm sure your husband can help you to not talk to OM. It's the only way that you can recover and not lose your daughters and your family.

Listen to those who have been through what your are going through now:Kiwi, faithfulfollower, Dorry, there are many former waywards who are generous enough with their experiences and their time to post here and give us the other perspective.

Dr. Harley also addresses the wayward spouse. Please read.

Gemela, you won't die. That's just my point. You will go through a period of intense, intense grief but you will eventually let go.

It's true. I didn't think it was possible but it is. In the end I just told myself the OM was dead.

You just CANNOT save your marriage if you keep contacting the OM, even by phone.

I know you're thinking you don't even want to save your marriage but you have a very good man who loves you and you also have small children.

It's not just about you, it's about them as well.

You must have married your H for a reason. That's why I asked why you married him. I know you think the OM is what you've REALLY been looking for but truly, the grass isn't greener.

I'm talking from a place so far removed from where you are right now that I know you probably won't hear me.

I would love Just Learning to talk with you.

Just think about what I've said anyway even if you don't think I know what I'm talking about. Believe me, I do know what I'm talking about.

gemela, we're hoping to hear from you. maybe you can answer some of the questions...

tell us more about yourself.

Gemela -

Welcome to marriage builders. I am happy that you are here. You are describing a very typical affair. I know that it feels real to you, but we see these things here everyday.

The first thing you need to know is that the other man cares NOTHING about you or your family. He has no honor or respect. Your future with him would be very bad. These things never work out.

Somehow, you need to have no contact with him. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children, so that they can grow up in a happy family.

It is very difficult at first, almost like being a drug addict and coming off drugs. But there are lots of women here who have done it and are now leading happy lives.