Hi guys,

I think it is time for me to go Plan B. I have been in Plan A since 01/28/2008 when W and I separated and W and I have been back under the same roof for the last 12 weeks.

Things have improved; we are perfectly comfortable talking with each other, there is no hostility and we have regular sex but contact with OM persists and WW still can't decide between us. Sometimes W is distant from me and other times not. We spend virtually all of our leisure time together and she lets me meet her needs - it's hard to really determine what state of marriage we're in.

We live in Australia and OM is in England - 10000 miles away so if we separate/divorce then it's forever and we will never see each other again. I have gently told W that this is how it would have to be and she doesn't like it. She has very few friends and I have been her life for 9 years.

WW says she "hates the thought of never seeing me again", that I am her "closest companion, confidant and friend", that she would "feel lost and isolated" without me and other things. She obviously finds me sexually attractive also as we still have regular and passionate SF. But although the resentment and hostility has subsided markedly in the last few weeks and she says I've "done everything right" she is still unable to commit to the marriage and now that a few important events have passed (like SIL's wedding) I sense that she is considering flying to England, if she hasn't made plans already.

She keeps saying to me "you need to ignite my heart again GH31" and "you have to try harder" but if she refuses to forsake OM and cease this occasional contact I know that the chances of me doing that are remote. Also, she says things like "he's sent me emails a while back saying he can't live without me and begging me to go back and that just melts my heart".

When I told her two days ago that I have to leave she said "we can work on things", "if I go to England it would be all exciting for a week or two and then I would just hate being stuck there and I would feel lost and isolated". She has said other things to that effect but she's still vacillating.

So, I believe Plan B is the way to go. I love my W very much and did some very bad LBs which made her vulnerable to an A. Those have been dealt with but now she is trapped in the addiction that an A is. I would hate to be without her but I know I cannot continue in a marriage like this.

Please let me know your thoughts on my draft Plan B letter:

My Dearest Darling W,

This correspondence to you comes from my heart and it is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend, I still believe that you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known, I am still emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are able to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make your affair possible. I selfishly pursued my own objectives without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs, put you first in my life, and support and cherish you. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and care that you needed to be happy. I hope very much that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During the past 6 months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you this in the time that we’ve had together. I have learned so many important things. I now know without any doubt what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. I believe I have shown to you that I can and am willing to make these necessary changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you are.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new life that allows us to spend time together meeting each others' needs so that we can both be happy. I imagine a new life together, spending time doing new things together and with your family and our friends, making memories.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I have treasured every contact that we have had. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you are in contact with someone else tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, spending time together, protecting each other’s feelings, and complete trust and honesty.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. I see no other way to accomplish this other than to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you are in contact with someone else everyday and emotionally invested elsewhere is destroying the love I have for you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, or SMSs unless you have ended contact with OM permanently and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, following a recovery plan. All of my email addresses have been deactivated and my mobile phone number has also been changed.

If you have any emergency matters, please direct any communication through my father in England who will handle everything completely businesslike, and he will also be completely impartial and non-judgmental.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful and not something any husband could or should agree to.

If you should decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again. I want to grow old with you.

I loved you when I first laid eyes on you and when I married you. I continue to love you to this very day. I will love you forever.

your loving and adoring husband,

GH31

Sounds good to me.

When I wrote my PBL, someone (queenie I think) suggested I thought a bit about the 'emergency' statement as WS thrive in drama's and emergencies, and will use anything to get you to break out of PB.

Lil

GH31, that is a great start at a letter, but I would cut it way back. You cannot send a novel to a detached, fogged wayward and effectively get her attention. It should be around 4-5 short paragraphs. The sentimentalism is a bit much, too, for her state of mind.

Do you have children? Is there a reason why you are leaving and not her? Will you be cutting off the money when you leave?

Hi Melody,

We don't have children.

The reason I would be moving out is because we share our home with her father. As much as I really love her dad, it simply isn't appropriate if I stay there with him as well. I need to sever all communication with the family for the Plan B to really be a Plan B.

Also, I am quite sure that if I leave she will run off to OM in England. She has said she would feel "completely lost without me" and that "losing me would be like losing a part of herself" but it's getting to the point where this fence-sitting and ongoing contact with OM is driving me to despair and robbing me of my swagger and confidence.

And yes, I would cut off all financial outpatient care to her.

Is there anything else you would change about this letter? I want to get it right and am very open to suggestions from veterans.

thanks,

GH31

GH31, thanks for clarifying your reason for leaving, that makes sense.

What do you mean when you say "And yes, I would cut off all financial outpatient care to her." What does this mean? Will she be supporting herself after you leave?

My suggestion would be to cut the letter way down and repost it.

Hi there, yes she is financially dependent on me at present. I pay the rent, bills, food and pretty much all of it as she doesn't have a regular job.

I would cut off all financial support to her. She could probably get by with rent but would struggle with everything else and would have to sell some of her shares to support herself.

This is to make the dose of reality as potent as possible. I have already done a lot for her financially since she came back 12 weeks ago and feel very reluctant to do much more.

GH31, I aqree with your reasoning. She needs to know what it will be like without you so it will be important to cut off her support. She will need to get a regular job and learn to support herself.

Sounds good, but I would also suggest it be much shorter. Waywards have a very short attention span.

Also, why isn't she working? Sounds like she needs a job. Too much time on her hands to get on and off the airplane.

Hi Believer,

She is working but on a very casual basis. Jobs here and there.

All the time she was in England with OM she was offered interviews but always cancelled at the last minute which apparently disturbed him - but she told me a few times whilst she was there that she could never commit herself to being there.

When she first came back to Australia 12 weeks ago she was very angry, hostile, venomous and contemptuous but now she is sad, withdrawn, confused and bewildered - somewhat dazed.

She says things like "I would be lost without you GH31", "you're a part of me and it feels like we have been together forever", "it often felt weird and strange to be without you", "you're my closest companion, friend and confidant" etc. She has very few friends so I can see what she means.

OM repeatedly said that he wanted to attend SIL's wedding with W which took place last week (I was a groomsman there) but she always hesitated. She also said to me during the wedding that she "knew she couldn't be with OM forever because he's not like us(?)".

We cuddle up to each other in bed at night, there is no hostility, we spend most of our free time together and have regular SF. Bizarre.

Basically, she is one confused, lost and bewildered little girl. I love her deeply but this pain, vacillation and fence-sitting is really becoming too much to bear, hence the iminent need for execution of Plan B.