I believe that I let my wife know where I am, and respond to her cell phone calls, so my wife has confidence I am not having an affair. As pointed out, lies are not easily disguised in a marriage, so it it best to be genuine. But I don't give overly direct answers, on this Forum, to save privacy. I avoid giving my wife incomplete answers, and do not give her reasons to wonder, or supsect.

But my wife enjoys running me down. Maybe she is an emotionally passionate woman. Maybe she has some meanness, like Scorpio Astrology in her. But whatever makes her tick, I would like more Admiration. So as I have been asking for more Admiration, over the past few weeks, and I have seen her taking my requests sometimes with offensiveness.

So requesting Admiration has been an effective counter to her trying to run me down.

I can understand why readers think there are affairs going on, because passions are running high, in that my wife's reluctance to give admiration indicates something is illogical, or something is amiss.

When I chose the name of Senator, there were already several Senators registered, because I had to keep trying new sufix endings, for the registration to be accepted. Senator_H is just random.

Sometimes I think my wife needs me because not many other men would tolerate the insults she likes to dish out. Requests for Admiration and Puffing seem to be effective sparring counters.

I work at finding ways to appoligize and shoulder the blame for our exchanges, but my wife enjoys making up after she starts a spat.


..

Hi Senator. I've actually heard about you. I just want to say a few things about this post, and leave you with something to think about. And, to make a book recommendation. Your post is in black, my thoughts are in red.

The book you need to read is "Leadership and Self-Betrayal: Getting out of the Box" by the Arbinger Institute.

You need to read it, because you are the problem in your marriage.


Yes my wife is basically happy in her marriage,
"HER" marriage? You are both in this marriage, last time I read the definition. You can try to justify it however you would like, but you ARE in the marriage. It is 100% your responsibility to make it better.

but not becuase she is really in love with ME as such. I more believe that my wife is in LOVE with the IDEA of marriage. You "believe" this about what your wife thinks. Have you had a discussion with her about what she believes your marriage is about, what it CAN be about, what she would LIKE it to be about?


My wife enjoys the social status of having a husband who can command respect from her family and friends. This is you, building your own ego. While you say your wife does not do this - you state here that she DOES ENJOY having you in her life, and that she DOES recognize the status you bring to her life. This should build your ego. So, when you need that admiration, think of this statement - you made it yourself.

So I am a social status symbol for her. See there, you did it again. You actually do recognize that you are successful, and that SHE RECOGNIZES IT. Perhaps it would help you if you were more direct with her about your needs - and HOW she could meet them? Maybe instead of requests, "Honey, fill my need for admiration" you might sit and talk with her lovingly and with care and meaning. Build a deeper relationship, because admiration does not come from words that are just "words" and inflated because you asked for them. If you want to be admired, do something

admirable

honorable

and meaningful


build a relationship with her, pull this marriage out of the hole, and rescue her with it.


Your admiration from her then will be MUCH more meaningful than the phone call you talk about in the end of this post.

It will be REAL.

As far as doing some measure of cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, trash day, or recycling, or otherwise helping with the household or taking any of her Husband's ideas into mind or consideration, those are outside the part of the deal she BARGAINED for. I am not so sure - because somewhere in there, I don't think you two made a bargain at all. See, you stated YOURSELF that you are not direct with her. So exactly what kind of "bargain" do you think SHE THINKS SHE HAS?????? Your communication style needs work. Frankly, your indirect method is killing your marriage, and the sooner you take a step back and rethink this strategy, the better. You think you have one bargain, and she thinks she has another.

No bargain is on your table - because you have no POJA.

That is why my wife won't leave me, not because she Loves Me, but because she knows she cannot find anyone else to give her an uncommitted marriage. Again, I wonder how you know this?

I would feel Evil and Viscious, if I left my wife now, since she has been spoiled rotten over these years.
You spoiled her. Your fault.
Because if she got re-married, her husband would be real angry with her habits, real often. My wife has no real clue about even how to develop fair habits of a reasonably compromising, modern marriage. I would say that part of the problem would be that from where she stands, she has a husband who fails to give her direct answers about even the most simple things in life - such as where he is - to protect his "privacy". If even that very basic question is considered too "private", then how on earth can anything else be negotiated? How can openness and honesty even come into play with you?

How can a person get close to someone like you - when an answer is not an answer, and you do not let a person in?

Is this her problem? Or yours?

So I have tried to respond to your question, which I have been avoiding, partly because I have a shame-filled answer. But I answered also because I felt your claws penetrating deep across my Aura as I contemplated the factors for the concepts of Expanded Admiration. This is still a non-answer.

What about imaginary Puffing? What about a Super Ego Boost?

"Honey, I sometimes need an Ego Boost. So I want to feel I can call you on the phone, most any time, you have time to talk. I want you to practice now, exaggerating all my good points, like we are at Disneyland. Don't lie, to make my faults into virtues. Just exaggerate anything that is good about me, and make it seem 10 or 20 time more than real life." Would this fill you? Nope.

Because it is imaginary. You might as well drink imaginary water to quench your thirst.


I just read your posts and see you going so far off track. I see so much anger and resentment toward your wife - when you really need to look at your own behavior. You need to stop keeping score. I think you are looking at her as though she is no longer a person you love, and like she is the enemy.

When she puts you down, you could alter your response - and thereby alter HER actions. Instead of what you usually do, next time she does it, look at her with loving eyes and say, "That hurt, honey. When you say things like that, it slowly chips away at me. I'm dying." And walk away.

Her response may be very different - and her behavior may change. You don't know until you try something DIFFERENT.

Get the book I suggested. READ IT. Just try something different, and look at yourself. It just might be a possible source for change, looking inside. Besides, you only control one person in your marriage, and that is YOURSELF.

SB

"When she puts you down, you could alter your response - and thereby alter HER actions. Instead of what you usually do, next time she does it, look at her with loving eyes and say, "That hurt, honey. When you say things like that, it slowly chips away at me. I'm dying." And walk away.

Her response may be very different - and her behavior may change. You don't know until you try something DIFFERENT."

What is your usual reaction when she says something hurtful, Senator? How does that typically play out? Can you give a typical example please?

The book sounds like it might shed some light on how I could do better.

Some questions for my wife occurred to me:

> Why are you enjoying running me down?

> Do you find joy in looking for ideas that contradict my beliefs about Religion, Politics and college age parenting?

> Can you have faith in yourself, and work to smooth over, or keep private, my beliefs, that differ with others in your life, like other family, members, church members, or co-workers?

> If you become aware of a contradiction between my beliefs, and the beliefs you have recently seen as valuable, from others, is ther some way to constrcutively have a discussion of the issues, ratgher than yopur trying to run me down?

> What Ideas have you heard recently, that seem to contradict my ideas, and how can we formulate tghe wording for a constructive response, to those who profess those seemingly incompatible ideas, so that you can have a comfortable response if my beliefs come up in the conversation?


So in my marriage, Admiration would increase, if my wife's running me down, decreased, or softened after the initial onslaught..

I'll give that more thought.

I often ask questions to allow my wife to discuss the issues, and see how she can put things in a more realistic perspective.


Maybe another Question:

> How would you defend my beliefs, if someone were here to present and discuss those ideas now?



..

Senator, if you do a search under the word 'religion' here, you will see two different articles, parts 1 and 2 about religious conflict in a marriage that may or may not be of some help. I did not have the time to read them, but perhaps there will be something helpful in there.

I think there is a general lack of respect and empathy in your wife and that she needs to understand that this particular issue is a love buster to you. Of course you can call it something else, but she certainly needs to know when she has hurt your feelings. Absolutely. Otherwise, she will continue to do it, and that's not going to help the marriage at all.

Some people here suggest saying something very simple like "Ouch!" when you hear your spouse saying something mean or disrespectful. Are you currently conveying to her when she hurts you, or are you trying to be emotionless about it, for fear that she'll do worse. Think about this. It's important.

Senator,

If I were you, I would start in making changes on myself.

Because I have learned something important about the world.

I cannot change other people. I can, however, change my own behavior - and that does effect change in other people.


I have read your posts with great interest. You frustrate yourself. Your wife does not frustrate you.

You BELIEVE she frustrates you. You hang around, waiting for her to put you down. And you look for it, and I would suspect, even bait it.

My own life experiences tell me that you two are trapped in a circular relationship, because neither of you are willing to change - neither of you are willing to be the first one to admit that they have a problem.

You, Senator, have a problem.

Sure, your wife does, too. But you cannot do a thing about that - you really can't. The sooner you accept it, the better. You cannot tell her to change - well, you could, but the likelihood that she will change just because you tell her to is slim.

You might ask her to change. She might.

You can do a lot of things, love-bust, beg, plead, and it looks to me like you've done some of those. I see you've tried a nice dose of sarcasm, too. So far, you haven't gotten much out of it.

But you haven't done anything intrisic - you haven't changed YOURSELF, or YOUR OWN PROBLEM, have you?

Your own behavior really is the key. You have to look within yourself for what is happening there. And you have to look within yourself for where you have betrayed yourself, and then you will understand why you find your wife so blameworthy in the marriage, and in how you feel about things in your relationship.

Here's how you betray yourself: you find yourself facing a decision, where you should do something for your wife, say, put a load of clothes in the washing machine. You notice that there are about 10 loads that need to be done, she's behind in doing them, and you need some clean shirts. Besides, the kids are crying and it is getting a little late, maybe she needs a little help. You know it is the right thing to do it for her, she's tired, and you think about doing it for her.

Then, you decide not to do it, so you go in and watch the football game instead, thinking that your wife should have had the laundry done - and why is it that she is always behind on laundry? Can't she just keep up, do it more often?

At that very instant, you begin to say to yourself, "well, she has been griping at me since yesterday" and "well, I have worked really hard this week, and she really should be doing something for ME, not the other way around".

Suddenly, SHE is the bad guy, when originally, your initial contemplation was that you were going to do something FOR HER.

What happened to the original good thought? You betrayed that thought, didn't you? You went against it, and when you did that, you betrayed yourself. Then, in come the justifications for doing that - your wife should be keeping up with the laundry, she's always behind, she's been griping at you, and you work hard all week.

She is blameworthy, and you are above her because you work hard (or have some other great trait).



This can be extrapolated to your relationship right now, Senator.

Right now, go back and re-read your posts. You post about how your wife uses you as a way to gain notice in society. How she does not appreciate you, how she runs you down. How you need her to admire you. How she spends money, and doesn't appreciate that you earn it.


You talk about your needs. How she doesn't meet your need for admiration.

There are assumptions here that her major need is for financial security and social status. You speak often here of how "she thinks", yet you do not often speak of conversations with her - only of how you two disagree.

You ask how to get your own opinions across - not how to listen to what she has to say.

I wonder, if she thinks you hear what she says, or if she feels as though you just assume you already know, and it isn't worth her time anymore to try to really talk with you? Maybe this is the reason she tells you what OTHER PEOPLE have to say about things - she uses this to bolster her own positions, because you don't listen to her at all......you already "know" what she is going to say.....


Get the book and read it. And know that you are not above her. Somewhere in there, your ego has pushed her away from you.

SB

There is an excerpt of the book LEADERSHIP AND SELF-BETRAYAL on the Arbinger website.

The thesis of the book seems to be that we shoot ourselves in the foot, sometimes. Often without realixzing it. We rationalize cutting a little corner, that expresses unespressed resentment, but damages the understanding or relationship of cooperation with key people in our lives.

Cat may be shooting herself in the foot by withholding Admiration from her husband, who then gives her less attention.

I may be short cutting some things I could do for my wife, that are expressing my resentment, but are not making the marriage better.

The book excerpt points out that seemingly little short cuts can actually have a significant impact. So when taking a little shortcut, we should probably try to asess the real impact on the understanding with the individuals involved, particularly if we have some unexpressed resentment on related issues.

The shortcuts we take are often a part of our Denial, and are not reviewed, as we dismiss the significance before we even take the action, inaction or delay. So it is important to evaluate shortcuts carefully, in advance, and with in-time reviews for significance of importance.


..

Actually, Senator, this falls into place with MB concepts. I have been working overtime to find ways to show appreciation and admiration for my H this past year, even when I didn't feel it, due to the resentment. And it has paid off. He reciprocates. It was counterintuitive - why would I want to please him, when he does nothing for me? But I did it, and he reciprocated. But I had to be the first one to make a move, because I was the one here, learning.

Just like your wife would reciprocate if you shelve your resentment of her and start showering her with attention, respect, admiration, and interest. My guess is she is just as full of resentment at you as you are of her. But who is here? It has to start with you.

Senator,

Glad you looked for the information.

Get the book.

The details provided offer information about concepts of self-betrayal which go to the heart of human understanding. Particular to your needs at this point would be the understanding that your wife is NOT THE ENEMY.

Second, that you are the problem.


These two concepts are important, because you have found yourself in the position of blaming your wife for your feelings of resentment toward her, and for your feelings of unhappiness in the relationship.

She is not blameworthy.

You have all of the power within yourself to make changes in this relationship. Instead, you have focused on what SHE is doing, and not on what changes you can make to alter the situation and your own behaviors - thus effecting change in HER.

The website is much more theoretical in nature. The book presents a story about a guy at work who needs to meet with the boss to discuss his "problem". From that situation, the concepts are introduced in a format that is somewhat simplistic but readily understood and highly applicable to a marital relationship.


I learned from this book and from this Institute. The concepts are very effective.

I recognize that you could also apply them in your life, as your posts really show evidence of similar behaviors to my own.

Have you figured out that you can't fix her? You can only fix yourself.

Yesterday I started reading a book to my wife. aloud, about how to get along with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This may help her better understand how to deal with my large ego.

..

Senator,


By reading the book to her about what you want her to know, you're still trying to change HER.


It will never work.


I would suggest you try to build a dam one grain of sand at a time. It is much more worth your while.


Schoolbus

Senator,


I would love for your wife to come here and post.

That way, we could suggest for her to read a book to you.

It's called:

Leadership and Self-Betrayal: Getting out of the box.


Because if anybody needs out of the box, it is you, sir.



I find it so interesting that you say you WANT the focus to be on YOU

And when I try to focus on YOU

You don't like it very much.




I also find it interesting that you've decided you have narcissistic disorder - and that you aren't just being a big old stinker.

In either case, you still need to change, and you still have a problem, and you have work to do.

Wouldn't you agree that changing from being a stinker to a better husband would be LOTS EASIER

than

working on recovering from a true psychiatric disorder of narcissism?


And in either case - THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOUR WIFE'S????

Senator, I am glad that you're listening and trying to look into the possibility of NPD. This doesn't mean you have it, and it could very well be that if your wife knew more about it, she may see traits in you, with the book possibly giving her some tools in living with you, gaining an understanding, and possibly more empathy.

I still think a few visits to a psychologist could help you determine if this is a a realistic possibility. It's not ideal to self diagnose.

However, just as in anyone who does have some sort of disorder, such as epilepsy or high blood pressure, your own behaviors will need modification so that you can live as normal a life as possible and be as little of a pain in the neck to your family as possible. Patients who refuse to do what they reasonably can to help their own situation are labeled as "noncompliant." Honestly...it goes on their record that they are basically not willing to help themselves.

I am not a psychologist. Therefore, I have no idea if NPD is a chemical issue or possibly something that built from childhood. However, it's your responsiblity as the carrier (if that's the case) to find out for sure if this is what you have and what you can do about it - with medication, counseling, behavioral modification, etc.

You're an intelligent, fairly perceptive person. You aren't wheelchair bound or completely dependent on your caregivers as many are with handicaps/syndromes. You're capable of taking care of yourself in all ways, and part of that is reaching out and getting to the bottom of it like an adult and curbing your behavior so that you aren't alienating those that you love.

I think the book is likely to be useful if you definitely have NPD, but what if there is more to this than NPD? What if you're going off in the wrong direction with a self diagnosis?

How do you feel about making an appointment with a counselor to discuss personality disorders and family of origin (FOO) issues? How do you feel about taking your wife along? And...I would not suggest to the counselor that you think you may have it. I would ask if there are tests you can take and just see what comes of it.