Chuck,

Glad you're feeling better, but I see a LOT of red flags here.

" my wife had just changed her password to her email. When I said something she got mad and yell and told me to leave her alone."

This is NOT a good sign. She's telling you she emailed him that it was over, but she cannot show you proof. DO NOT BELIEVE HER ON THIS.

"Obviously I have questions. Why, why has everything changed, did a light go on."

You have questions because I believe you are being gaslighted, and so do you. Of course she doesn't want you badmouthing OM--she still has "feelings" for him, and probably believes she loves him. Don't worry about that for now. If she is sincere about cutting it off with him, that will fade over months of no contact with him.

BUT, you have no evidence at all that they aren't still in contact, do you? You must get clear on what is currently going on. It is very rare for someone to just "turn it off" and the signs that she hasn't are there--she won't let you into her email, for one. Here's one way to find out quickly what her motives are: Ask her to write a NC letter (there are samples here and in Harley's books). YOU read it and put it in the mail. I'm betting she will NOT agree to do that. That would be another sign the A is not over.

Don't give up, continue to pull yourself together and work a good Plan A. FIND OMW and expose to her, or have Mom do it. Doesn't matter how she finds out, really. If your WW is not in contact with him, she'll never know. If she IS in contact, WW will yell at you and threaten dire consequences (pay no attention to her if she does this. They all do). Another way to find out the truth about what is actually going on.

Chuck, she's rattled. She realizes that she has to calm you down and make her believe she wants the marriage. It's called "gaslighting" so she can have her cake and eat it too.

Maybe this is just my take, and the others will disagree. If so, I hope they will post.

Why is she changing her password? Did she give it to you?


She was afraid that you might actually make contact somehow.


What she told him was that she needed some time to talk you down.


She knows this is what you want to hear.



Bull!



You shouldn't badmouth OM because it does cause her to defend him. However, she wants to sweep everything under the rug and make you think that she's over OM.


She told OM the same thing.


Or SHE told you the wrong place of employment.

Sorry, but WWs lie. Unless she is willing to be COMPLETELY transparent... give you access to all passwords, etc. she is still in an affair.

Ask her if she is willing to take a polygraph.

HI Chuck,

I know how you feel.

I found out my husband had 3 affairs, one 5 years ago, the other two between 06 and o7...really sucks.

So, now...supposedly he has none since, and says he "wants to grow old with me. Whatever. I am deeply disgusted.

We tried marriage counseling, he went 2x...didn't like it...psychologist told me he is a deeply disturbed individual. Great.

Now, though, the problem is....I have had 4 affairs since finding out about his 3! Thought I'd up the ante....he is pissed, but, tough you know what. Get a taste of his own medicine.

I am not saying to try this, but, makes one feel better, knowing we are wanted by others too...but, does become a bit messy...whatever. Also feels good to see them hurt the same way they hurt us...

Best and God Bless,
Gineva

Chuck, this is the worst way to handle things. Lowering yourself to her level does nothing but make you both adulterers. I think you're smart enough not to buy into this kind of wayward thinking.

Gineva,

Please understand that YOUR way of dealing with your husband's serial adultery -- becoming a serial cheater yourself -- has absolutely NOTHING to do with the Marriage Builders program or the people who support this site, nor the people who populate its message boards.

Your "advice," if that's what it was, is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to rebuilding marriages, and NO ONE here would condone it. Even Chuck, in his distress, can surely see that two wrongs don't make a right.

Glad you're satisfied with getting revenge, that you hurt your husband the way he hurt you.

But I'm willing to bet you do NOT have a recovered marriage, that you and he do NOT love each other, and probably never will.

Your choice.

You have chosen the wrong community. You would be better served on another site, maybe geteven.com.

Well, I found and spoke to the OMW. It didn't go at all like I expected. I went to her work and asked if I could speak to her, she asked who I was. I just said my name, and she told me that she knew everything and didn't want to speak to me. I left. Later after counseling she called me and was very mad at me for bothering her at work. I told that I didn't mean to impose. She let me know that they are getting a divorce, but he will always be her best friend. That she will not help me. She thinks that I have gone way to far in contacting her. She said that I must have had problems in my marriage or my wife wouldn't have gone looking for someone else. So before she could call my wife and tell her about the encounter, I decided to tell my wife. She then got very mad at me and said that she can't trust me anymore. That I had promised to concentrate on us not other things. That I lied to her. I told her that I am trying so hard and I don't think that she notices me, the only emotion I get out of her is when she is mad at me. I am trying to be strong, but I feel so alone. My whole world is falling apart. I am trying to hold it together, but I see it slipping away. I wonder if she just said that she will give 100%, just so that later she can say that she tried. I love her, I know she loves me, love doesn't just disappear. I need to find away to make her remember. I know that some of your advice is that I should demand things, such as a NC letter, but if she doesn't want to be here anyway, I can't ask for that. God, please someone tell me how to get her to remember. If she doesn't have any contact to him, am I wrong for asking for anything else? I hug her and she doesn't hug back. Same with a kiss, or when I say I love you. It's tearing me apart inside.

Big mistake to of told your WW. There was no reason to tell WW.
You only made yourself and your situation appear to be weak. A big turn off to appear weak to a woman.

She has just called me from work, just to talk. Not about us, but just to talk. Is this a promising sign, or am I just grasping for straws?

I went to lunch with her. It was a disaster. I didn't want to say anything wrong, so I didn't talk. I think I need a hobby or a girlfriend to get my mind off of her. All I think about anymore is how to get her back, thus I have nothing else to say. not a very good plan A.

Well that was helpful. Very harsh and totally WRONG in my opinion.

Chuck - the worst thing you can do is appear needy.

So she blasts you and spews fog at you. Your response should be to tell her you are sorry she is feeling so bad and change the subject.

She is dealing with the death of her fantasy.

READ that Plan A thread and start DOING IT.

Stop reacting to your wife's spite.

ACT! don't react.

Thank you big K, I am trying, but it's very difficult for me to look at my wife of 14 years and know that she doesn't love me anymore. I am getting better, but I have a crappy plan A right now. I just bought some SAMe, hopefully that will help out.

She still loves you, she just doesn't have those FEELINGS of love. That can return.

DO work on your plan A.

What is SAMe?

SAMe is an over the counter natural mood enhancer. I got it at the local grocery store. I don't think it has helped so far. What I don't understand is that I am expected to act normal, as though everything is ok and nothing has happened. But she doesn't show any love or emotion other than anger. How can I have a good plan A with out getting anything back from the woman I love?

It's not easy but it doesn't go on forever.

Eventually you will get something back but right now it will be very one sided.

Plan A is not about how she responds.

Perhaps you should tell me what you think Plan A is and what plan A actions you are taking so I can see if you have even read the thread I pointed you at!

Chuck,
There are quite a few red flags flying all over the place her, not the least of which, is that she changed her email password and won't give it up to you. If she had nothing to hide, then she would be transparrent. That would indicate a least some form of just compensation for her A. But, it's not happening.

Here's MHO, and you can take it or leave it.

You asked why your WW changed so quickly into recovery mode.
Answer: she didn't! She is gaslighting you to stay calm and provide her with financial support and a roof over her head, for "3 to 6 months."

You finally spoke to OM'W and she told you they are divorcing.
So your WW and OM have come up with an exit stratergy that, given the above, they will be together within "3 to 6 months."

Thus, she can claim that she did everthing possible to r the M, IN FRONT OF A JUDGE!!

Your going to need to demand her password if you continue this. Give her options:
1) Throw out the computer.
2) Will take it to a forensic computer guy and have everything on the hard drive recovered. (Can be done if you don't know about a DOD clean sweep of hard drive).
3) You insist and she agrees to a polygraph!

I don't want to discourage you, but even Dr H will agree that plan A seldom works to end an A without plan B. Occasionately, but not in the majority of cases.

I got to agree with PM here, that you don't know the truth, and the true and first test is to sit her down and tell her, I want the password to your email, or I will know you are lying to me.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Ok, so OM told his W about his A and their M is over.

And THIS is the way she responded to you?


This doesn't ring true for me.

What am I missing?

Chuck, just dipping in here as a respite from my own problems but I just wanted to say please don't doubt your past 14 years with your WW and don't doubt yourself as a H. I think she still loves you, that she's still there is a good sign of that, IMO. But I also think that the A is alive and kicking so you need to Plan A her and probably Plan B her too when you are ready.

I'm only a step ahead of you in the process but I wanted to say that I think you are getting excellent advice here from the experienced members. Heed it and take it in, hard as that might be to accept. Be strong, she's a addict and will hate you for standing between her and her drug but you are doing this for her sake as well as your own. Sometimes you need to be tough and seemingly cruel to be kind as I'm sure you know with your 12 year old son.

I crossed with Marshmallow there and I just wanted to say that I agree. The exact same phrases struck me as extremely odd. This doesn't feel like a natural reaction.

I don't understand the OMW reation either. Something isn't right there, but I have thought that something was wrong with this guy anyway. As far as the password goes, I do have it. I have had it since that night. That doesn't mean anything though. She may have another email address or a hidden cell phone. I have been keeping an eye out though and haven't seen anything yet. When I went to her work yesterday, I asked her to show me her email, she got mad but did so very quickly. The thing that I am not understanding is, I don't think that she is seeing him. I do think that she is waiting 3-6 months. So that being said, how can I demand things that will push her away. If she isn't seeing him, does that give me the oppurtunity to get her back, or is she just in a wait pattern. The doc keeps saying one day at a time, that this will be a long process. I believe that he probably told her that she should find out what happened in our marriage, so that it wont happen in the future, and thats why she has stayed. I think that she is here until xmas, and then she will be gone. Is that enough time to get her to see? You guys keep on giving me advice, as if she has come back and said how sorry she is and is begging to stay. That is not the case. All I am trying to do is hang on long enough for her to see. I don't think that she is sorry, or ashamed or embarrassed. I don't understand why not. She introduced me yesterday to the coworker that I had enlisted for help through the phone. I was so ashamed, and she isn't. My son and I tried to do something stupid last night to get her to laugh. I was a knight in shining armor and he was a wizard who cast a spell on the princess(WW), it did make her laugh. She then said that I am going overboard. I am just trying to keep her laughing as much as I can, keep the sad times out. She doesn't seem to care, even just from a human perspective, how much she is hurting me right now. This is a kind and loving woman, who almost overnight has turned hard and cold.

Chuck,

With NC a plan A may be effective in attracting her back.

See NC KILLS the addiction - she can withdraw from the "crack"

NC is the first vital step. Until she withdraws, you should not expect anything.

Don't judge his wife. You have no idea of her situation or how many affairs he has had.