My father and mother, ages of 65, have been maried for 40 years. It has been a good marriage and they have a son and daughter with kids of their own.

Mom has cancer and Dad is taking care of her. He has been there for mom and it is a lot of physical and mental work...he is depressed and stressed out.

Dad has been having an affair with a 45 year old woman for the past two years. It is sexual and also emotional in nature.

I am the only one that knows about it...I am the son.

I think it might be partly due to his depression and stress of taking care of Mom. That does not excuse his actions though.

I don't think he realizes what he is risking.If everyone finds out, wife's trust and love, kids trust and love, not being able to see his grandkids, etc- it could get ugly for him...alone in his older years.

There is also a thought that if Mom dies, he will remarry and this woman will get some of his money. Her kids will get it too. I don't like this at all.

What do I do?

My main goal is to keep the family intact and try to help my Dad enjoy the family he has helped to create over 40 years.

Does your dad know that you know?

No he does not know that I know.

I guess if it were me, I'd have a talk with him and see what he says first. You may not know all the details, so it's safer for everyone if you get those details before you make any moves.

You'll find, though, that MB is based on exposing the affair so it will stop. Are you prepared to do that?

My goal is to keep our family together as best as possible.

I am thinking of sending an email to him that he can't trace...tell him that people know about his affair with the woman. that does he understand what he is risking? not seeing his kids, his grandkids, his wife..anymore,etc.

I am hoping that he is depressed and is following some sort of addiction that he hopefully can squash and not follow up again...

Maybe send an email to the woman too...

waddya think?

Are you sparing your father the shame and fear of losing your respect? Are you not close enough to approach him one on one about this?

Is your mother terminal?

You are in a horrible position. He is addicted, but an email will not solve the problem. If the affair is going on over two years, it will be extremely hard to stop, and not cold turkey.

He will most likely continue to risk everything as long as he can, or longer.

If you know, quite possibly other do, too.

Either you need to look the other way, or handle the situation as best you can.

Does your father have a trusted pastor, or is there another family member, like a brother or sister of his to turn to?

If you do pursue this, consider getting professional guidance and counseling first. It could get ugly, even if it is only between you and your dad.

I think you need to tell your dad you know about OW. Secrets like this are bad for the family and will rip it apart faster than anything else. I know this stinks, and it isn't an excuse, but it is not uncommon for caretakers to have affairs. I think it's also fair game to sit down with the OW and tell her that you know. Based on their reactions, you can decide whether or not you want to tell your mother or anyone else.

Gosh...your situation is unique, and I'm really not quite sure how to advise. Typically we would tell you to tell your mother, but if she's dying, she is likely not in a position to fight for her marriage much or fulfill your father's emotional needs.

That being said, I have no idea if this is a wise idea or not. However, I think my first approach would be to talk to the woman and tell her that you know and want her to break it off completely out of respect for your mother and her health - that your father doesn't know that you know and that you'd rather he didn't know that you know, if at all possible. Perhaps it can be settled quietly and efficiently this way. Also, if there is any leverage with a husband or steady boyfriend - you could use threat of exposure to him as leverage. You do run the risk - if there is a husband - that this husband will approach your mother with the information.

Then...possibly sit back and see what happens.

If it is apparent to you that she won't break it off, I would then approach your father, let him know that you're aware, and tell him to break it off or you will have to tell your sister.

Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the right advice. I'm just trying to think of some way to try and spare your mother and your relationship with your dad.

I'm just thinking if you can expose in steps like this, perhaps the least damage will be done.

Also...as Greengables has said - I'm not at all sure it is necessary to be secretive about this with your dad. Regardless of the outcome, your respect for him has undoubtedly diminished. I think at the very least, this will punish him significantly, and perhaps he needs to process the repercussions at least on that level.

I would also try and eliminate the money concern from this. I don't think you really want that to be the motivation for your actions. If your father thought that you were concerned about inheritence, it would surely give him an excuse to take your advice with a grain of salt.

I'd also keep in mine that no matter what happens, you cannot blame yourself. You didn't start this and cannot have any control over the outcome, no matter what happens.


edit: If your Dad were to break it off, without you telling him that you knew, do you think you could maintain the relationship with that secret?

i think i need to see a shrink on some of this stuff...my mom is terminal, but she could have a good quality of life for a few years or she could pass away in the next year...we just don't know.

The tough thing is that he is there for my Mom, takes her to the doctor, chemo, emergemcy room visits, makes her breakfast,lunch and dinner...i just don't want to mess this part up.

I guess I am coming to grips with the fact that the relationship with my father has changed and I will always have great memories of him, but now I will have these ugly memories too...the bond between father and son has been broken in a way.

i could keep it going for my Mom, Sister and the grandkids...my relationship with him would be over...meaning that I don't think I could share too much with him anymore and that I would continue to feel empty inside when I think of him...like I do now at times...

Maybe that makes me a coward or weak...but I could probably do it.

I do think you need some professional guidance.

Affairs are messy and complicated. They usually don't end because one or both of the affair partners wants to do the right thing. Even if they feel guilty, and even if they try, an affair is not so quietly and easily ended.

I am saying this to you, to ease your own feelings. You are not responsible for the affair, and even if you do your best, you may not be able to end it discreetly.

I have to ask again. If you figured it out, how can you be sure no one else knows? Is it remotely possible your mother suspects? How are you sure it has been two years? Has you mother been quite ill this whole time?

Just don't go this alone. You need some help, if only to deal with it yourself.

i think it has been two years...not really sure.

The main problem is that he thinks that he is the "master of his domain." I am absolutely convinced of this. He thinks that he can seperate this sexual/emotional fling on the side and still keep his entire family happy.

If I didn't see his emails, he would have pulled it off.

As crazy as it seems. He probably would keep us as family and the sex every now on the side forever.

On another note, I know some guys go to a rub and tug parlor and my Dad has done this...At 65, is that really so terrible? I am not saying the massage is similar to what he is doing with this woman. But at 65 years old and 40 years of marriage...how bad is it?

I just spoke to my Mom and she was saying how great Dad is that he helped her out again today...ugggh. It would surely put her in her grave if it came out right now.

I think I will go see a shrink and stew on it a bit...maybe in a week or so, I will finalize a game plan.

Based on what I have read here, I do believe I need to confront him directly about it.

thanks all!

Yes, well, ideally I think you should speak to your Dad about this. Keeping it inside will be very hard on you emotionally, when you are already dealing with the fact that your mother is declining.

I think if he were my father, I would begin the conversation acknowledging his care for your mother and how much you and your sister appreciate it. "However, I ran across your emails and was still surprised to discover that you haven't been able to remain faithful to mom." He'll be shocked that you know. In the moments of that shock, I would reassure him that you have no intention of going to your dying mother with the truth since she is not in a position to do much about it and it would disillusion and hurt her deeply, but that you hope he will consider doing the right thing.

I would tell him that what he does after a respectful time has lapsed after her death is up to him, but that you felt the need to speak to him about the potential risk of shame upon the family if people realize what he's doing.

As far as your relationship with your dad...I don't know what to say. I think after that conversation, the ball will be in his court. My guess is that he will seek you out and first try to rationalize and justify his actions, and that a desire for reconciliation with his son will follow once he realizes how wrong he was.

Of course, you know him better than we do.

asonsjourney:

You've been put in a tough position by your father, and it's not easy to come up with an answer that takes your mom interests into account. But if it were my father, I'd tell him that if he didn't end his affair now, after my mom died I'd tell everyone in the family what he did, especially those on my mom's side of the family. There would be no way that his lover would be accepted by my family. What kind of a woman would have an affair with a man whose wife is dying of cancer? And what man would betray a dying wife? He would no long be invited to any of my family's events -- no birthdays, Christmas, etc. He still has a chance to redeem himself, but the curtain is closing.

My approach sounds harsh, but what your father is doing to your mother is inexcusable. Whatever his needs are, they could not possibly justify his behavior. Your mother deserves better, and your father needs to understand the consequences of his selfish behavior.

My grandfather had an affair, and when it was eventually known to his family, he was completely ostracized. My mother didn't even want us (grandchildren) to talk about him. Three generations later he is still persona non grate.

Your father's repuation for generations to come is at stake and he has an important decision to make. Make it easy for him to make the right one.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Wonderful advice, Dr. Harley! Thank you so much for taking the time to weigh-in on this heartbreaking situation.

asonsjourney, what a privilege to have Dr. Harley himself address this for you. I hope that you will heed his excellent advice...

Prayers going up for you...I'm so very sorry for your circumstances...

Mrs. W

I just keep wondering about that saying that the truth will set you free. A, are you sure your mother is happily married? I just wonder about the idea of keeping secret big inforation that your mother would need to make informed choices about the rest of her life.

On the other hand, maybe your mother falls into the category of people who just don't want to know.

I'm sorry about your mother's illness.