I am really at a place where I could use some help.

2 weeks ago on Monday, I discovered that my husband of nearly 21 years has been having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted for 9 months. Started as a drunken night in February when he was out of town (in a town that is 3 hours away, for our son�s hockey tournament). Then a month later, they got together again and the affair started.

They met several times a week in hotels and such, he taking a �late lunch break� from work�I have no clue how she was able to constantly take these 10 days away from work and her kids and drive here for a 1 hour tryst.

He says that at first, she really wanted him to leave me and was truly disparaging toward me. Then at some point he said that he didn�t want to leave me and they began planning a polygamous marriage together. Then, they began introducing her to me and pretty much shoving her down my throat, �she wanted to be my best friend.� She has fallen in love with our family and loves hanging out with us and having good times together.

I was a little trepidatious, however, I accepted that she is a single mom, she needs �family style� friends and truth be told, I could use a few more friends myself. I kept wondering why her feelings were so overboard, and why was my husband pushing her on me so much?

Meantime, our youngest daughter and her youngest daughter hit it off famously, became friends and gave us another excuse to constantly get together.

I still didn�t feel right about everything, but kept saying, �why are you being so suspicious? He is simply being a good fried!�

He began to help her look for a house to purchase near us so the girls could play together, I helped too, and found a really cute house for her�because �she has been thinking of moving here� her kids play sports here in town (something my husband helped set up for her).

All the while, I am getting e-mails from her, how much she loves me and my family and is so glad that God has brought us together�and I never knew my husband was sleeping with her.

Now, I have had some health issues over the past couple of years (3 exactly), for the past 12 months, I have been getting better and better, my Dr.�s and I have been working hard at it and truly seeing great results and recovery, something my husband couldn�t see because he was so blinded by the affair and their scheming.

She found bible verses that supposedly support the lifestyle they were planning�so much literature and planning�and this was not the type of polygamy where each wife has her own house, this was where the 3 of us would share a bed and a house and our big happy family with all of our kids running around�she said she would have more kids for him, since I only gave him 3 and 2 of them are daughters�and on and on�.

There are really too many details to go into�

So, I found out on Monday, he presented this idea to me and was very upset that I didn�t accept this plan they had developed over the past several months�because they were doing this �for me,� so that I would have someone to take care of me and look after me if husband should die, and because she wants to be able to take care of me and my health, provide massage therapy and such to help me heal.

I cried for hours and the hurt of when I finally drug the truth out of him about the affair, well, I know that everyone here understands that.

The emotional roller coaster has been utterly amazing, I had no idea I could feel so many things all at once.

We went to see our Pastor and we are seeking counseling. I have made a choice to forgive him and we are moving forward in an effort to make our relationship work. This website has been helpful, lots of good information.

He has cut off all contact with her (except for the times that we HAVE to see her at our kids� sports activities�and now I make sure I am ALWAYS there). He lets me know immediately if she contacts him. He forwards to me any texts, or e-mails and tell s me if she tries to call. He says that he is not responding to any of her attempts. I am choosing to believe him, although I still don�t trust him and am so afraid that he is actually contacting her and laughing at me and my emotions�

I�m sure you can see so many questions in this glimpse of a story�not the least of which is whether anyone else experienced this type of affair where their spouse wanted and planned a polygamous relationship? I sure could use some support because this seems a little different than other situations.

My big problem right now is how to deal with the e-mails she keeps sending�she is closing on her house which is just 2 miles from ours and is e-mailing my husband every day about how much she loves him and misses him and wants to be with him and have him be a father to her kids...

I don�t know how to deal with my feelings, because when I read the e-mails, I just feel overwhelmed again.

I don�t know how to tell her to stop; husband and I both agree that if she knows these e-mails are bothering me then the floodgates will open.

How do we get this to stop? What steps should we take? What types of things should I expect from her? I know she regards herself as married to my husband, but she must realize that is not true.

What types of things have the other person done to try to further drive a wedge between a husband and wife?

I feel like I need to brace myself, but I have no clue what to expect�or how to get her to stop.

I am sorry for the long rambling; first post here, but I could really use some support and advice.

Thanks,

Intears

I am sorry you are here. Your marriage is not going to make it unless they end ALL CONTACT. That means everything, even if you have to yank your kids off the sports teams and move to another state. Your marriage will never make it this way because he will never withdraw from her.

In order to recover, he should send her a no contact letter fashioned like the one in Surviving an Affair and commit to NEVER EVER seeing or talking to her again. He should change his email address and give you his cell phone TODAY. Telling you about contact is worthless because it does not undo the damage of the contact itself.

Secondly, every one should be told about your H's adultery. Your children, all of your parents, everyone. Your children have been introduced to his adultery and as a result, have been taught that wrong is right. Your kids need to know that OW is their enemy and they are to steer clear of her.

If there is anyway you can sabatoge her house buying, I would do it, because having her 2 miles away will mean a death of thousand cuts for you. Your H and you will be perpetaully triggered by this skankho. Just seeing her children at school will trigger you both. That is how 1 year affairs become 10 year affairs.

Please get the book, Surviving an Affair, because that will help you understand what you are dealing with here.

I'm so sorry you are here. He has TOTALLY lost his mind. Give him a while w/ plan A, but if he doesn't halt this crap go PLAN B/D!!! DUDE

You came to the right place to help save your marriage. The vets will be along soon but you need to do a few things first.

1. Click on "notify" at the bottom of your post and ask the mods to move it to "Surviving and Affair". You'll get your best advice there.done!

2. Buy Harley's book "Surviving an Affair"--read it, read up on all his basic concepts and begin working the program.

3. Have your husband immediately write a NC letter (samples are here on this website). You approve it and YOU deliver/mail it to make sure it got there.

4. Have him give you all passwords, cell phone bills--everything. Put a keylogger on his computer. A GPS tracker in his car. He needs to be totally transparent for you. Trust, but verify.

5. No contact means no contact. Your kids will have to play in a different sports league.

More I'm sure, will come if the mods move your thread.

Being at sports activities misses the point. And she should NEVER contact him. He is responsible for ensuring that there is no contact EVER.

Please read these links:

How to Survive Infidelity

Requirements for Recovery

Exposure is your most powerful weapon against this affair: Exposure

Dr. Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

My sympathies.
I don't mean to be facetous. But, seriously, is your husband of normal intelligence? He sounds, well, impaired.
I cannot imagine anyone, fog or no fog, being offended/surprised by a reaction such as yours, if he had any semblance of an intellect.
This guy sounds a few standard deviations(at least) away from normal in any respect.
I think you should briadcast this to anyone close to you and let this nutjob of a husband deal with the reactions.

Two standard deviations at what confidence interval?? I think he is the tail end of the empirical rule!! DUDE

Dude, have you ever read anything as bizzare as what this guy proposed? This makes the folks on Springer seem like Ward and June.

Zelmo, we have seen this before where a very wayward wayward will make up some cute name like "polygamy" or "3-D marriage" or "swinging" to white wash their adultery. These are usually the very manipulative WS's. I don't know if that is the case here, but I suspect there has been alot of gaslighting going on.

Damn, I live a sheltered life. This strains credulity. Not just the planned polygamy, but the genuine surprise/disappointment he displayed is mind boggling. I wonder if he is somehow related to Manson or Rasputin.

Thank you for your fast replies...I will stay here and listen to what you are saying.

MelodyLane--I am in the process of reading your suggestions and Ourhouse--purchasing the SAA book is next on my list...

I know this is a most crazy situation...and I truly am at a loss.

What is "gaslighting?"

Thank you,

Intears

You are in excellent hands with Melody. Listen to her and do what she says. Your best chance of saving your marriage is to follow Dr. Harley's advice and Melody will give you that advice unadulterated.

And if you want to go the counseling route once the affair is OVER (and it must be over...), phone counseling with the Harleys or even better, a MB weekend, is great.

May help you navigate the advice you'll be getting...
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2251936&page=1

Thank you for your quick replies...

I am reading the website and the SAA book is my next stop.

Writing a letter may be difficult, but I know it needs to be done.

I am still spinning from everything, so I will keep on reading your suggestoins...and thank you for your support!

InTears

intears, welcome to MB. Here is an old MB thread on gaslighting:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=146375&Number=1954184#Post1954184

To Zelmo and others: As Melody said, WS trying to foist this kind of lifestyle on their BS is not all that uncommon. Google "swinging" or "polyamory" or "polygamy" and be prepared for your jaw to hit the floor.

My XWH never tried to push this on me, because he wanted two separate lives for himself: one where he was married and one where he was single. But this "swinging" stuff is not as uncommon as you might think.

FYI, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are reputed to be into this. Don't know for sure though, but there have been rumors for years.
Mulan

No way - I can't believe it - the fresh prince of bel air - no .

Intears,
Sorry you are here - great advice from everyone. My only caution to you is to make sure you understand what it takes to R a M. You don't want to make the mistake of false recovery because you go by what your WH is telling you or falsely acting the way he thinks you want him to act. Be on your toes and pay attention to everything. Make sure you understand what you need and want to make the M work. The length that your H went to did kinda shock me. I just find it hard to believe he is so quick to turn around - that's why I question his (possibly) pretend behavior.


Gg

He's still fielding e-mails from her? That means he hasn't cut off contact with her. Cutting off contact means a No-Contact letter with "Extraordinary Precautions" [read about 'em on this site] that YOU can verify. Change the e-mail address or cancel the account. Same with the cellphone numbers.

The house thing is a little creepy. I know you've got enough on your mind, but you'd better make sure she's not a bunny-boiler. I did some bad stuff during my A., and am not one to cast stones, but this is really weird.

Hello Intrears, Im so sorry you are going through this
All the above advice is great and i know you are trying to take some of it on board but there is some advice that will need to be implemented immediately to avoid further complications.

The immediate action is EXPOSURE, you need to expose the affair to everyone you can because this might just be the ticket to keeping OW from moving to your town/area. Yes i know it brings embarassment etc, but the more people know the more people will keep eye on them, the more people know the more peole can shame her and she might just decide not to move.

The above are aimed at OW but there is a great side to Exposure that hit WS too, it will make him think about what he has done if he had more people to answer too, he may be able to get around you because you are emotionally drained right now but he wont be able to get round others (like his family and friends for example). I can guarantee you he wont like the idea of you telling everyone and he will be angry with you but you have the great excuse that your doing it to keep OW from coming to your town and beleive me its good for him to be questioned about his actions from everyone around him.

Good Luck

Like Gloveoil pointed out, he has most certainly NOT cut off all contact with her.

I've been to a swingers club once(Not knowing)..I can't imagine people exist like that. What is a marriage anyway? People are just F UP!! DUDE