My H and I have been married for 5 years. I feel like there have been so many obstacles in our marriage that when I list everything, you guys are going to say we're better off divorced.

Most recently I had two one-night-stands, a year apart from each other, the latest one was this past September when we were separated, H was living outside of the house.

I have issues with spending money without talking to H about it first. I pay the bills, it's just that by the end of the month I'm broke because I've bought something small and silly that I didn't need. I've gotten way better in the past few months about spending money but then things have come up like school money that had to be paid back, court costs and a new transmission which have left us short on money also.

We recently watched a movie called "Fireproof" together which was about a couple whose marriage was falling apart. The H started a 40 day "Love Dare" (seen here http://www.lovedarestories.com/pages/lovedarepages/TheDares.aspx ) but around day 25 or so it started getting very religious and less effective so I stopped.

H is a full time student and will graduate after the fall semester. I was in school but because of trust issues and things I did to not help those issues I dropped out of school. I stay home with our toddler.

All I seem to do is get on H's nerves, I can never do anything right, he's indifferent (withdrawn) it seems to anything positive I do and only seems to get angry and annoyed to the things I don't do right. I'm sad, I'm hurt and scared and anxious. Although there have been times where I have doubted if we should be together, I now know that I love him as unconditionally as a wife should love a husband and I want this marriage to work.

He doesn't want to try or to work at it. It's like, he's giving me the chance to win him back but with no effort on his part. I am 31 and he is 26, I have two daughters 11 and 8 (who he also always seems to be mad at) and then our toddler who is 3.

ANY help and advice is appreciated. I printed out the ENQ and I hope that I can get him to fill it out as some sort of starting point. Wish me luck with that.

Margie- Glad you're here. This is the place to be if you want a chance to recover your marriage. You WILL get the truth and advice from people that have been there/ done that and it WILL be hard for you to hear, but don't be discouraged. The goal of most posters here is to help you RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE (it is possible). It is going to be a long, hard road you will have to travel.

I'm sure you think your husband has a lot of work to do - but you have even more to do on yourself to fix this.

You should notify the mods and get this moved to the Surviving an Affair board. The people there could REALLY help you.

Does your husband know of your One Night Stands?

Thanks for your reply.

I do realize I have way more work to do on myself and on my marriage than he does. H knows of the affairs. I know this won't be easy and I am in no way looking for an easy way through this. I'm looking for the right way. The reason I posted here was that I honestly don't think the way H is acting has to do with the affairs. I could easily be wrong, but I feel like it's just where he is right now in our marriage and with all the other factors and things I've messed up etc and less to do with the affairs. Since affairs did take place, I will ask to get this moved.

Thank you.

I have had two one night stands, one year apart, the last one being this past September.

H and I have had other stressors come along in the past few months, including financial issues and H is now at the point where he is indifferent and withdrawn.

How do I even to begin to repair our marriage when my words and actions simply fall on deaf ears. He is leaving the door open for me to repair the marriage but he is "not in it"-it's all up to me.

How can I break through? Please help!

Margie

What have you tried with your husband? Most likely his indifference comes from the fact that you had two one night stands, more than the financial stressors.

Have you been open and honest with him about everything?

I have told him everything that had to do with the affairs and I answered all the questions he's had.

I'm just trying to be nice, good, honest, do things around the house, do things "right", trying not to get on his nerves, trying to talk to him about his day when he comes home etc. Wifely things. Nothing is making him happy. Which I understand... but... what can I do, ya know?

and thank you for your response!

Would he counsel with the Harleys?
I think that would help. They will validate his feelings as a BS and help you 2 get back on track with your M. YOur H might have frozen his feelings towards you and he is afraid to get hurt again. He might also believe that your changed behavior is only crisis management and it will revert back to the usual you soon.
blessing

Why?

And unless you personally address why, why should he not believe you will do it again?

Atena:

I don't know if he would talk to the Harleys or not. It's very expensive for us. We have been to other MC but BH ends up getting angry or discouraged and stops going. I am going to counseling on my own right now.

Chrisner:

The first guy was an old Army friend who lived with us for a short period of time. This guy had wanted to be with me for as long as we had known each other. One night me, the guy and my BH were up drinking very heavy. My BH went to bed, I blacked out and only remember bits and pieces. I don't even remember having sex but talking to this guy the next day, he made it obvious that we did have sex.

The second guy: I had asked BH to move out. I considered us separated. I was at a friend's BBQ and was just having fun. BH did not consider us separated, at least not to the extent that I was free to be with someone else.

I consider these two situations under certain circumstances that will never happen again. I have no urge what so ever to go and get attention from any other person in the world. I just want love and attention from BH.

Thank you.

.

I am going to say this to you because this is how my WH behaved, he said he wanted to separate, was still living in the house and then I later found out that from the time he verbalized his decision to separate from me he felt free to start sleeping with OW. He was still with me and sleeping with her for over a year. But he claims we were separated.

See, separation means you move out of the marital home and then file for separation. Just stating you want to separate does not count. So of course the BS feels you are cheating...and you are cheating...you are in fact in an adulterous relationship.
So your H's feeling are perfectly normal. Your entitlement is an issue you should work on if you want to save your M.
blessing

To clarify, when I asked BH to move out, he did. We were not living together when that affair occurred.

But yes, I know it still was cheating.

I know his feelings are perfectly normal. I am just afraid of his indifference and withdraw pushing a bigger wedge between us until he finally does want a divorce before I can get back through to him.

I know I put that wedge there to begin with... That doesn't mean I don't want to start healing the M now.

It is clear you want to R the M as you are posting here and that's good. But yes, you did cheat as you were still M to your H.
Do you have kids?

You do need some good counselor and maybe you can ask your H to post here on the forum and he will find that he is not alone and might open up to you and the MB principles..
blessing

My DD11 and DD8 and our DS3

I'll see if I can get him here. I would love for him to have people to talk to about it and would love for him to be able to open up.

Thank you.

I am a FWW. The one big problem I see here is the focus on how what HE does will impair the healing and how HE doesn't want to be all in.

What put you both here is what YOU did. So it is up to YOU. See betraying marriage vows through adultery is not about what we were or weren't getting from the marriage, the geography of each spouse, or any other smoke screen we like to put up. It is about a wayward spouse making choice about their marriage vows. Choosing to break them. The reason he is hurting and cannot move forward is because you hurt him. Now, many WS's say they know this. But when the focus is on "How can I make my H get over it" then it is apparent that they do not fully grasp it.

He needs to know everything about your life - affair or not. Everything. There should be no contact ever again with either of these men - no exceptions - ever. You passwords are his passwords, your cell phone is his cell phone, your computer is his computer. I believe that a WS needs to find some way to look what they did in the face full on for as long as it takes until they are BROKEN about their actions. That's what is missing a lot of times - real, humble, brokenness.

It took a year for my H and I to begin getting back on kilter, and that was with me laying myself at his feet basically. No qualifications, no clarifications, no explanations, because there are none that change the light on what I did.

I would read through everything possible on this site, and buy Surviving an Affair.

I really didn't mean to make it seem that he just needs to get over it. I totally see how that came across though.

I'm just afraid he's going to choose divorce. There has been NC with either man since right after each A.What scares me is that my phone, computer, passwords, everything is his, is open for him to see anything and everything. He's so far withdrawn that he just doesn't want to look. Did you go through that too?

When was you betrayed husbands D-Day?

How did he find out?

I don't remember the day, I don't think he does either. Sometime in September he was asking me about the guy because there were texts in my phone. The texts didn't reveal the A, I did.

Margie, what you describe sounds like depression. You BH may have simply withdrawn into depression to protect himself from any more injury. Has he been to see a doctor, even just your family doctor?

Betrayal takes a terrible toll on the betrayed. It's both emotional and physical. You could start with getting him checked out physically to see what the stress has done to him. He may need a doc to urge him to eat well, exercise, etc. He may even need antidepressants to help him through the worst of this.

Start with making him a doctor's appointment. Don't go with him - leave him alone to talk to the doc himself and say whatever he really wants to say.

The doc will almost certainly want to check him for STDs, too. I don't remember - did you say if you had been checked out for this?

Has either of you been married before? How did those marriages end?

Did you reveal both adulteries then?