Hello,

I am new here and I so wish I knew about MB and other stuff earlier...

Out of sheer stupidity, I have just ruined my life and that of my husband, a very good and loving man, and our baby, just 7 weeks old :-(

My story in a nutshell:

I met my H very early, I was 21 he was 19, he was my first BF, I was his second serious GF. When I was 24 we have started to live together and married when I was 27. We were perceived as a very happy couple and I was very happy most of the time, although I critisid my H a lot, just a my mother did to my father, who was very nice and caring man. I was also often told by my mother and H that I am very egoistical, but I did not realized how right they were.

3 years after we got married we both had very stressful situation at work and start to quarrel a lot and have much less physical contact - none at all at some point. I was unhappy and tried to do something about it, but did not know what, thought it was H fault and finally withdraw and waited - I was so sure M was "for life" I did not realize how it can end - I was sure we will somehow "wait it out".. We were planning to move to US from Europe, start new job together, new beginning, had tickets etc.

We plan last vacation in Europe, a week, a couple of days before we leave. My H was supposed to go with me but suddenly "did not have time". We were in very bad place already and I was so angry with him I decided to go alone, although I was calling him often from my vacation and telling him about my ideas to make things better among us.

After a week, he did picked me up from the airport but said he has something to tell me that he can tell me only at home. I still did not suspect anything.

At home he told me that he feels "restricted by the marriage" and want to live in US alone :-( It was 3 days before our departure, and we signed a contract to work together in US, same room, same project. He also talked me into quarelling with my boss in Europe and severing ties to my work there - although I do not think it was intentional, we were just both very stressed then.

When I asked more - and asked him not to leave, to work on our M- he told me that he was regularly sleeping with the maid of honor at our wedding, whom I consider my best friend at the time :-(

Anyway, I loved him still, want to work on things, convinced him to do so and to cease all contact with OW. He did so after a couple of hours of persuasion, although she left her 8 year relationship for him and hoped to marry him.

Then we start to work on our M - with one contact relapse on H part and 3 week time-out/break-up I enforced - and seemed very happy for the next 7 years - I was still a bit wounded but he tried to be a very good H and was really very good to me most of the time and we seemed mostly happy, get comments we look like newly weds etc

After these 7 years we were ready to relocate again - I was getting better job offers and H started to accuse me I would consider moving without him - not true, although I now realize I was egoistical and explotative most of the time, so he was right I would care more about my vs our interests. We were also planning to finnaly have a baby.

Incidentally, I somehow - not realizing it at the time - fell in "love" with a friend of our, married with children. I had not ide he was reciprocating the feeling and started to flirt with him thinking it is a harmless entertainment. Also, my H affair left me worried he would left me one day - and since I had not experience with mant at all I sometimes was intentionally - but very innocently - practicisng flirting to be ready in that case :-(

anyhow, i got closer to our married friend and he confessed that he is actually divorce, but still living with his wife - i even visited them before he confessed, they seemed perfectly happy, she also dod not give me any hint

he asked me to keep his D secret - I did, even from my H with whom I shared everything before. What is worse, it reminded me of my own suffering and I offered to "console him" and gave him my private email account. I was still thinking this is innocent, flirting at worst. We start very emotional correspondence and I started to have sexual thoughts about him but was sure he is not reciprocating. At some point he said that since I will be leaving in a couple of weeks it does not make sense to correspond - but I was not able to stop anymore and asked him to meet for lunch - sincerely, I meant lunch. But he replied that he was in love with me for a couple of years, desired me as strongly as possible and wanted to start PA but though I was not ready. I was not! And shocked at the thought. I responded that it was out of question, that I love my H, have my values, would never leave H, would not be fair to anybody involved etc. Then he begged for friendship but I said NC. However, I did not tell my H. I struggled to keep NC, could not sleep, eat or work for a couple of days, lost 8lbs ( I am 112 girl). I have started to be also angry with myself somehow that my H did suc terrible things to me and I would not even meet once with what seem like the most intense infatuation I have ever felt. I finally agreed to meet him in public place. Since I fell from him hardest when I did not see him - and he was not my type and not a potential life partner at all - I rationalized that meeting him may show me this is just an illusion. It did not, lieing and covering up make me nauseous and feeling extermely bad and disgusted and scared but kissing him for a couple of hours was very very nice. Than I decided to have another meeting, perhaps go full monthy and stop it. My H start to suspect something and another meeting in public place was rather disapointment I called OM to tell him we will break except for letters and I will not meet him even once in a hotel room ( i agreed before, he has it already rented in the place where I would be anyway). he said ok, just to meet him in a hotel restaurant (i had to be there anyway). Unfortunately I agreed and then agreed to go to talk in a "quiter place" (his room :-( ) but of course just talking no touching - I know sounds so pathethic but I believed hima and was a ragdoll in his hands - told him i want to braek up at least for a couple of weeks but continue our letters he said he would do anything I wanted if I would do what he wanted for an hour , "not sex of course" :-( I agreed and he started to undress me and him rapidly and wanted sex, of course, I agreed to anything but intercourse (lack of anticonception).
Then we continue for a couple more weeks, I forgetting about my intention to at least put things on hold and somehow now believing my H does not see it - although I saw that he was very suspicious initially. My lover taught me how to lie and deceive and our contacts were more and more satisfying for me sexually - emotional part, that drove me in initially, became disappointing very soon, but I start to seek out even more contact as the sexual excitement became addictive. I stop to think about the future and/or intent to keep my lover forerver - to visit him a couple of time a year (I was planning to move again) to "spice up" my marriage - I know how disgusting it is, but that was what I was thinking at the moment. I have started to act crazy - I was always a squeaky clean straight A student, believed in premarital chastity - and almost kept it, etc,

Anyhow, my H found out after a couple of weeks - and wanted to D initially - but I begged him and also use guilt over his past to make him forgive me and try again. Unfortunetely, even before affair - our marriage was based on a lot of friendships, common interests, work - but not much passion, During the affair, I stoped sexual interacctions with H gradually and was not attracted to him at all. What is worse, he felt disgusted by me physically altough stil loved me and agreed to try. He wanted to leave separately for a couple of months, but I convinced him not to :-( Our recovery was very difficult, I did not want to be with my lover long term, but short term missed him terribly and was sexually addicted to him. Consequently, I was not happy with my H, we quarreled a lot, and I was generally depressed as we moved, had troubles at work, no friends etc I also broke NC with my ex-lover, read his emails he sent m eusing friends account, saw some photos, heard about him from common friends etc
But marital sexual life was ruined. I did not know nothing about recovery at that time, unfortuantely, I expected my husband forgivenes will make me happy immediately, starting to be afraid we are doomed - that I either should leave my husband because of no possibility of sexual fulfillment that I craved incredible strongly at that time - but when I cotemplated it, it felt incredible stupid, he was the love of my life and everything else wa sgreat. All we need another lovers :-( I was so insensitive and egoistical as to start to talk to my H - a very romantic guy - about having an open marriage, but he did not want it.
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I do not know jhow to save it, so I post it and continue later

A few questions.

Who does the baby belong to - your H or the OM (other man)?

How long ago was your A (Affair)?

Have you written a NC letter and established NC with the OM?

Helena, your justifications for your A stun me, to-wit:

Incidentally, I somehow - not realizing it at the time
You are a thinking adult. Somehow?

started to flirt with him thinking it is a harmless entertainment
Do you flirt with everyone to entertain yourself? Do you flirt with your mother? father? nephew? the grocery boy? your minister? How many people do you flirt with for entertainment purposes? Why do I think this married man is the only one? And do you see by my questions that it is obvious that flirting is not meant for entertainment?

he confessed that he is actually divorce, but still living with his wife - i even visited them before he confessed, they seemed perfectly happy, she also dod not give me any hint

So he asks you to keep it a secret, and they seem very content together. How convenient of you to overlook that.


What is worse, it reminded me of my own suffering and I offered to "console him" and gave him my private email account

How often do you make it a point to give someone your email because they remind you of yourself?

sincerely, I meant lunch
Uh-huh.

I have started to be also angry with myself somehow that my H did suc terrible things to me and I would not even meet once with what seem like the most intense infatuation I have ever felt.
Permission granted to start your affair. Your husband made you do it. Got it.

i agreed before, he has it already rented in the place where I would be anyway

i had to be there anyway

Unfortunately I agreed
Unfortunately? Like you had no choice?

but of course just talking no touching - I know sounds so pathethic but I believed hima and was a ragdoll in his hands
Yes it does. Sound pathetic, I mean.

"not sex of course" :-( I agreed and he started to undress me and him rapidly and wanted sex, of course, I agreed to anything but intercourse (lack of anticonception).

How good of you, to have your boundaries.

My lover taught me how to lie and deceive
He taught you nothing. You knew how to deceive the day you failed to tell your H about the initial contact

You are terribly, terribly foggy. How long has it been since you have been with your OM/addiction?

Helena,

I'm really glad you're here on MB and very sorry for your marriage for your choices.

Please understand that your resentment brought you to infidelity...your own resentment...not your FWH doing it to you.

And with the resentment, came self-deception, disrespect and entitlement.

I've been there, done that...so with your frowns indicating you feel shame and guilt for that old thinking...be sure to know what you did, why you did it (the old thinking) and how and why you won't do it again.

Please get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and read it.

Understand that you had to make yourself have a sexual aversion to your BH, because you began betraying him when you gave OM your private email...and you knew that.

Have you notified OM's wife? He says they are secretly divorced...and yet they live together...do they have children?

Inform his wife anyway, 'k?

Tell your BH that you are making a plan to recover...you need him for the marital recovery plan...invite him here. And you need to make your personal recovery plan, too...and share it with him.

You can have a really great marriage and life after infidelity, depending on your plan, your steps, your actions...you can free yourself from the self-deception which has actually led you all your life...which is how a straight-A, super-critical, egotistical girl gets right where you are.

LA

Hello,

Thank you for all the replies - I am afraid there is no hope and what I did was incredible thoughtless, evil and stupid :-( I will try to finish the story quickly and then reply to your questions and comments.

------------------story continues----------------------
I was 38 at the time of the first A and could not try for a baby a couple of years earlier for medical reasons - just got doctors clearance and job offers at around the time of the A. When we discussed getting together my H first did not want to try - he wanted kids and said it would take us 2-3 years to repair marriage and then I would be too old :-((( But finally I convinced him to give it a try and gradually I convinced him to try for a baby after a couple of months only - since the doctors where telling me it was the last moment for me. Unfortunately, I could not conceive for 6 months and decide to start fertility treatments - quicker than normally, but again there was no time. I was getting more and more depressed and out of control - the doctors were telling me my chances of *ever* having a baby are 10%, marriage still on the rocks, I had often this irrational but strong rage at my H that he was not that much attracted to me sexually, delaying trying for a baby, did not seem to share my infertility pain etc - I wished I knew that the rage is normal during withdrawal :-( (Now I have read surving the affair at amazon - excerpts).

We could not afford repeated fertility treatments at US so I took holidays and traveled for 6 weeks treatment overseas - asked H to go with me but he decided to join me only for couple of days - quite understandably, we had a lot of work, although I was feeling completely desperate and lost and very much alone. During the treatment, we quarelled over phone (my perceived lack of his support and understanding of what I am going through) did not talk for two days, almost stopped treatment, but since it was the only hope I decided to go with this and he came along - although we both knew it was terrible moment, worst ever in our marriage so far. I felt very guilty about it but at the same time as I had no choice - I was still missing OM (actually, having sex with him) and knew it was a bad sign.

Now come the worst part - I was taking hoirmones, desperately wanting to know the resukts of the theray etc - I could not handle meeting much with friends with kids and family - and start to hang out with younger coworkers, ostly singles, start to drink a bit - before I almost never drank more than one drink.
To cut the long story short, I again started to flirt with somebody - OM #2 - and again I did not recognize it for what it was until it was too late. I rationalize it to myself I need to be with people to distract myself during treatment, be around people not to become crazy during the wait. It was under control - group outings, going to dance alone once ect - until the very last day of my stay, when I stayed long at work and under "last day" mentality we started to show each other dance and martial law and massage movents - and finally - now that I see things more clearly I am terribly ashamed to admit - had sex, late night at work At that moment I thought that treatment did not work, got couple of negative pregnancy tests etc. I was scared by what I did but also some of the physical urges that were tormenting me last months were relieved. I knew it was very wrong to try for a baby with one man and do what I did wuth another - but I hoped it was so far away it would not matter and my guilty conscience will remove these irrational rage I was feeling sometimes at my H for not fulfilling my needs.

When I came back home I learnt that I got pregnant - but also I have started to miss OM#2 pretty much, it would come and go but unfirtunately we had a contact through work and started to chat over internet. what is worst i rationalized to myself that such a chat - sometimes innocent sometimes suggestve - is a "least evil" way to spice up my - prectically noexistent at the time - sex life. Unfortunately, I was falling more and more for the OM #2 - for whom it was "sex for sex" - but I still thought that I do not harm my H since he "does not see it" and since we mainly talk over internet is felt somehow like a virtual reality. But it eventually became just reality, I used work opportunities to visit OM #2 twice during my pregnancy - yuck - and had sex with him. Finally, a couple of weeks before delivery, my H saw our chat - not very suggestive, but he saw that I was clearly interested in continuing the contact even more than OM#2 - which unfortunately was true. I thought of it as an "extra" to marital life and sincerely encourage my H to do the same - although he did not like the idea. I know I acted like an addict and felt as such - I see now how cruel and stupid it was. But I was lost, my H and I seemed like a soulmates in most respects, but we had sex only a couple of time during the last 11/2 years :-( - and I needed it desperately coming out of a steamy hot affair. Ah, and when we decided whether to save our marriage after OM #1 - when my H was deciding - he had one-night stand and told me about it - which made me genuinely happy - I thought it would help him with his male pride etc and made me feel less filthy. Anyhow, I somehow thought that more of the same medicine would help us - looks now like a rationalization to sc*w OM#1. Additionaly, I felt more attracted to my H when I was jealous, when I saw other women were competing to get him - that was the case after his PA.

Now he left me and says he has not the slighest doubt that he wants divorce, that there is no future - and I miss terribly the chance of having the wonderful man care about me and love me deeply and to have a family and a normal, honest, slightly boring life. Ah, and during the treatment we froze many emryos - probably kids #2 and 3 we wanted. I know I was not worth of my H and he could do better - but for myself of course I would do everything to win him back. But that is beyond hope, he says he would not see me anymore in my life if not for the case of the baby. The baby is 7 weeks old - my H of course, that is the only evil thing I am sure I would never do - and we are meeting every day to take care of him together - to show him he has both parents. My H is very civil towards me in front of the baby, but ignores me otherwise and reacts with pure hartred to my pleading to consider rebuilding the family in the future. I know I had to change my ways anyway - I just realized how selfish I have been most of my life and how incredibly I hurted my H and my baby. I have sought therapy and treatment, I had severe depression right now, am on medication and my psychiatrist says I should start with getting out of depression - he says I will need meds for 9 more months. I self-diagnosed myself with narcisstic personality disorder - extreme self-absorption, sense of entitlement, lak of empathy and illusion of grandiosity - and would like to work on it, although form what I found in the net years of therapy can change it only a bit and there is no pill. I am trying to behave more responsibly - not torment my H with calls and pleads eg and to give him space at work - we had to work together, too :-(

Do you think there is any chance I can get my account at his love bank at least to 0? I am doing everything he wants to make his contacts with the baby as smooth as possible, agreed in writing to any way of sharing our child custody and propery he will see fir, am tellling friends and family it is all my fault - but these are small amendements. My H is incredibly hurt, says he does not want anything from me, not even from another human being at the moment. He moved out almost three months ago.
I complety forgot OMs since H moved out, am slipping into depression most of the time and I am not really able to work except for taking care of teh kid.

We still have our son - and potentially more babies, - work we cannot change for years, friends, family, common interest - but my H is not interested in any recovery. I told him I would go to therapy anyway, offered accountabilty checks like lie detector tests, sign a document that if I ever lie to him again I would give him all my property - but he still says he would not consider any recovery, not even therepy to function somehow as parents together.

The only thing he agreed to do is to not file for a divorce - either of us has no plans to remarry etc - but he says he never had doubts during these last 3 months it is the only option and that he hates me so much that leaving with me "for the kid" is not possible either.

I feel tremendously guilty and would try to be as good to him as possible anyway - the only thing he wants from me now is no contact except wrt to the kid and never mention our past or future :-( and he says I am the last person he would like to share live with and that he would probabbly remain single and is better off alone. I know he is just terribly hurt and will probably sooner or later meet another woman.

I understand that chances he would fall in love with me again are negligible - and he says he would try again only out of love, not because of duty to the chikd (we are not believers, had only civil marriage).

Anyway, he is the only person I would like to share life with - I know, I abused him terrible nevertheless. I would like to somehow repay to hom what I did through love and devotion - but he says it is too much and cannot realistically be repayed ever

Is there any MB build advice you can give me? I am afraid even if there is you would think he will be better of with someone else.

He loves the kid very much - I am terrified when I think about our son's future - being handed back and forth between two families. I am also not feeling as a good role model or strong enough to be a single mother - yet not interested at all in another man than H as a life partner - both OM are out of question for different reasons.

If we would both end up single parents - and we probably would for a long time, we are at the moment both very depressed and not seeing any sense and meaning in life anymore - it would be incredibly sad and stupid in a sense. normally at least one spouse is building a new family, I thoughlessly broke our family just for a couple of cheap thrills. I realize I am not a person you can build something with at the moment - I need months, probably years of work too change. My H now thinks I will never be such person. I hope he maybe wrong but I do not think he will be "on a market" long enough.

Anyway, if there is any hope based on MB for our family to re-unite - and if you believe in marriage strongly enough to guide me - please do, please help.

How do you know that OM is not the dad?

Helena, your justifications for your A stun me, to-wit:

Incidentally, I somehow - not realizing it at the time
You are a thinking adult. Somehow?

I realized - also too late, when I took self-awareness test - that I score very low on self-awareness :-( and to my defense, one is usually last to realize that one falls in love - I have just enjoyed his company more and more, than start to actively seek it - it seemed like friendship


started to flirt with him thinking it is a harmless entertainment
Do you flirt with everyone to entertain yourself? Do you flirt with your mother? father? nephew? the grocery boy? your minister? How many people do you flirt with for entertainment purposes? Why do I think this married man is the only one? And do you see by my questions that it is obvious that flirting is not meant for entertainment?

After my H affair I have started to flirt - very innocently and without skill - with male aquitances. My H was my first boyfriend, I never knew how to flirt and had sort of abandonment fear since my H's affair.
Now I know it is like entertaining yourself with an atomic bomb, I was doing it very innocently for these 7 years without any repercussions - I thought I was immune, virtuous, strong-willed :-(another weakness and self-delusion, I see it now.

he confessed that he is actually divorce, but still living with his wife - i even visited them before he confessed, they seemed perfectly happy, she also dod not give me any hint

So he asks you to keep it a secret, and they seem very content together. How convenient of you to overlook that.

Actually, that was true that he was divorced at the moment - he soon after moved out - I still do not undesrtand why his wife did not tell us and other people - the reason she divorced him was he had numerous affairs among friends :-(

What is worse, it reminded me of my own suffering and I offered to "console him" and gave him my private email account

How often do you make it a point to give someone your email because they remind you of yourself?

First time to a male friend, once before to a female friend. One time too many :-(

sincerely, I meant lunch
Uh-huh.

I know, I was very naive - and somehow I believed that he was only interested in a friendship, as he claimed. I think I wanted one-sided emotioanl affair at the time - and was fooled into thinking it was "safe"

I have started to be also angry with myself somehow that my H did suc terrible things to me and I would not even meet once with what seem like the most intense infatuation I have ever felt.
Permission granted to start your affair. Your husband made you do it. Got it.

Yeah, it was that lingering resentment over his affair that resurfaced and made it easier for me to do it. Although I am afraid now I would do it anyway - will never know for sure

i agreed before, he has it already rented in the place where I would be anyway

i had to be there anyway

Unfortunately I agreed
Unfortunately? Like you had no choice?

Like I regret it terribly now

but of course just talking no touching - I know sounds so pathethic but I believed hima and was a ragdoll in his hands
Yes it does. Sound pathetic, I mean.

"not sex of course" :-( I agreed and he started to undress me and him rapidly and wanted sex, of course, I agreed to anything but intercourse (lack of anticonception).

How good of you, to have your boundaries.

I did realize that conceiving a baby is a life-altering event - I did not realize that having an afair is, too, even of one succseeds at keeping it secret - and succeess is not a good word here

My lover taught me how to lie and deceive
He taught you nothing. You knew how to deceive the day you failed to tell your H about the initial contact

I mean, he had many affairs and a lot of experience in how to lead a double life.

It was true I hid the fact OM #1 was divorce from my H - although it seemed innocent at the moment, I am not sure my H would tell me if he was in my place. I first wanted to tell my H and console our friend together - unfortunately, I chose another path. I see I was already than more loyal to him than to my H - so you are right :-(

You are terribly, terribly foggy. How long has it been since you have been with your OM/addiction?

My addictions started summer 2008 - and never stopped since then, although I am voluntarily NC since March 22nd - when my H moved out - and feel no inclination to contact either of them. My H says he does not care anymore what I do if only the kid is safe.
_________________________
Me: BS 53 yo
FWH: 52 yo
DS: 15 & 17
Recovering & Rediscovering what we almost lost

Hello,

Thank for responding.

A few questions.

Who does the baby belong to - your H or the OM (other man)?

My H

How long ago was your A (Affair)?

A#1 - about 6 weeks + 9 months of some kind of contact. I tried to quit him cold turkey, without NC letter that backfired - he wrote me still and used friends accounts to contact and pursue me, we head common friends that I refused to give up and they would bring him during conversation etc . I have only completely stopped to miss it when A#2 has started (but I was not aware of it yet)

A#2 - 6 weeks aquitance,than one intercourse + 9 months of texting and chatting and two brief meetings (hours, sex & conversations)

Have you written a NC letter and established NC with the OM?

To OM#1 only when I got pregnant (and found OM#2 :-( ), to OM#2 when my H moved out - he could not care less, unfortunately (I mean my H did not care anymore)

I was convinced initiallly because of the timing, pregnacy tests that tell you how far along you are etc. When my H discovered A#2 I oferred to do prenatal paternity test so that he could attend delivery, as planned, knowing for sure that the baby is his. He got the paternity tests results before delivery and the baby is his, as I knew all along

elena,

I'm really glad you're here on MB and very sorry for your marriage for your choices.

Please understand that your resentment brought you to infidelity...your own resentment...not your FWH doing it to you.


Yeah, I see it know that I did not fully forgive him - just took him back and let him be good to me

And with the resentment, came self-deception, disrespect and entitlement.

entitlement was my problem all along

I've been there, done that...so with your frowns indicating you feel shame and guilt for that old thinking...be sure to know what you did, why you did it (the old thinking) and how and why you won't do it again.

Please get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and read it.

I did now - I wish I did it after A#1, it would be enough then - I would undesrtand, eg that rage during withdrawal is normal ...

Understand that you had to make yourself have a sexual aversion to your BH, because you began betraying him when you gave OM your private email...and you knew that.

Have you notified OM's wife? He says they are secretly divorced...and yet they live together...do they have children?

Inform his wife anyway, 'k?

Now their divorce is no more a secret and my H informed her anyway, because he also did not know they divorced

Tell your BH that you are making a plan to recover...you need him for the marital recovery plan...invite him here. And you need to make your personal recovery plan, too...and share it with him.

I told him - but he says there is nothing to recover and I am not a kind of person he would choose to start from a scratch - good point, I know :-((((((

You can have a really great marriage and life after infidelity, depending on your plan, your steps, your actions...you can free yourself from the self-deception which has actually led you all your life...which is how a straight-A, super-critical, egotistical girl gets right where you are.

But is there a way to recover love? My H does not want anything from me, we only see each other during child caring - how can I contribute enough to his love bank in such conditions?

I am afraid know I can only try not to make any more widrawals and make small contributions towards parenting together. Parenting together is getting slightly better - a couple of days without quarrels - but H says that even though we are making progress as parents it does not make us a milimeter closer as a potential spouses.

Thanks for all the input

Helena

PS He is an atheist - so he would not keep marraige for his faith

OK, so that is the whole story. Please comment, and if somehow possible, please give me some hope nd advice.

I am making tiny bit progress - for two day I at least did not make my (x)H angry even though we spent many hours together (child, work).

Helena,

I will offer you some advice. I strongly encourage you to read the articles on this site. Let me list them for you in the order I would recommend them to you.

1. Easy and quick, read Harleys four rules for a good marriage.

2. Then read and comprehend (this will take awhile, like days or even a month to do, please ask questions) Harley's two policies. The policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. They are key to a good marriage.

3. For you I would recommend you then read the articles on NEEDS and meeting them and how important they are to a good marriage.

4. Then read about love busters and also the love bank. Avoiding love busters is a crucial part of recovering and rebuilding a marriage.

I offered these recommendations in this order for a reason. To recovery your marriage you will need a plan. A plan should have goals, hence #1 recommendation. A plan should have a means of actuation, hence #2 recommendation. A plan should have a method hence #3 and finally a plan should have provisions to avoid pitfalls, hence #4.

Read them, ask lots and lots of questions and gradually you will start to see your plan form. YOu will see what a good marriage is, and you will start to see how you can be the person you want to be in this marriage. What kind of person is that? My guess, you want to be honest, you want to be trusted, and most of all you want to be loved. To truly appreciate love you must learn to love.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Any thoughts, advice? I am sorry, the story is long and convolved

Helena,

Go back and read Just Learning's post. He just gave you some excellent advice. Have you read the things he recommended yet?

I did read Dr H's books - but too late. My H does not want to work on the marriage, says he hates me and does not want to change it even for the sake of full family for our son.

Is there any success story in a situation like mine? By success I mean marriage restoration

Thanks

I just bumped a thread for you. It's called Praying for a Miracle, Asking for Help, by u233sws. She was a WW who came here certain that her H would never forgive her and that her marriage was over. I believe they did eventually reconcile. You might want to start there. It does happen.

Hi writer,

Thank you very much! I found the thread you mentioned. Thank you for bumping it and for bumping mine!

Helena

You keep lying to yourself and saying "too late" "too late".

Yes, many folks recover their marriages, even after many "too lates" from the BH or the FWH turned BH. Mine is just one.

Had I chose my goal based on his response, we would have divorced five years ago. Hands down.

Thank God for MB because I learned right away that I choose my goal...to save my marriage or not, just based on me. MY goal.

Which is why I challenge you further to understand ownership...what is yours and not his...and in your marital history, that's a really blurred line in my opinion.

Time to clean it up. When you lie to yourself and say "too late"...which is choosing your actions today based on possible outcomes, you make yourself an oracle. And we aren't really, are we? We don't live in the future, only today, this moment, is truly ours in which to act. That's a potent truism for a marriage with multiple affairs.

You have a lot of work to do...because as you said, you didn't "recover" from his A...and now you must add another recovery to that...from yours. You have to heal your A when you haven't healed yourself. No surprise you'd go for the "too late" instead...that's two years recovery for each A, if you want to see the enormity of what you've done.

You can Plan A your BH...you can do many things if you choose your goal and make your plan. You can get advice and support. You can learn more...and learn WHY you chose to be so destructive to what is precious and most important to you.

And only you can do that. For that, it's never too late, is it? Or you can choose "too late" and seek to only personally recover...and then repeat again, in your next marriage.

I want better for you. Time for you to own up and be strong, act brave and go for clarity and redemption. You do so by doing...not by forecasting. You can do this.

LA

LA,

Thank you very much for your post! I will reply more later, baby's crying now.

Go back and read JL's post to you. Stay calm. There is hope.