This is my first time here and I'm not quite sure where to begin nor am I sure this is the right forum to be in actually, but I'm trying.

My husband has basically asked for a divorce. I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid. I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am, how much I regret lieing, how much I miss him, how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.

He swears there is no one else and I believe him as he has never lied to me. That he has no intention of there being anyone else at this point. He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either.

But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out last week. I am devastated to say the least. I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him. We have been married 23 years and together 24. We have a family, a life....we have so much and so little without each other in my opinion.

I pick up the phone 100 times per day to call him, but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.

Thursday we had a talk, by telephone, and I finally just asked. He says that he will always love me as a person but not as a wife because I have broken his trust and his heart. He says I have the chance to earn his trust back and be his good friend, which he wants very much, and that maybe something will happen in the future and maybe not as no one can tell the future, but right now he can't trust me as far as he can throw me but he also said "if I'm not back in the house by then" when discussing an upcoming family reunion.

He doesn't, at this point, want to save this marriage if he has to choose right now. He doesn't want to be married to anyone and he says he will NEVER get married again. Period. But then he says I can earn his trust back and we don't know what the future holds.

I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.

How do you divorce someone you love? How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life? How to you give up your best friend? How do you move forward from something like this? How do I ever do anything again? And am I supposed to, does he really want this?

Neither of us has hired a lawyer at this point. And I don't see that happening financially in the very near future...but I know he says it will come sometime in 2011. But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?

Please help me. I don't even know what to do now.

Also, just for the record. I have never lied to him about anything other than those bills. EVER. He says that he knows this.

I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point.

So he came over Saturday and we really talked.

He wants to be friends and to work on our issues. If we can resolve it, good, but if not, he wants to be friends.

We talked about a few of the things that he sees as problems in our relationship and I CAN see those things too....we talked for four hours!! I can't really remember a conversation like that between us in so long...it hurts to think that we had lost that somewhere along the way.

He let me know that I need to show him, not just tell him, that I am learning to handle money better...that he can trust me to pay the bills and to work toward a financial future rather than letting them go.

We also talked about lack of passion in the bedroom and really discussed that for the first time...not just him telling me but me explaining some of my fears to him too. We responded to each other and got a clearer meaning of what was actuallly being said, not just listening, but hearing what each other said. That was soooo nice. He even kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me later or tomarrow.

I can't say this is going to work out. I don't know. I do know that I am going to give it my best effort to make some of the changes that he thinks are necessary...not because he tells me they are but because I can actually SEE that they are necessary and would be a betterment to me as a person as well as to us as a couple.

I'm just very scared and get very lonely. I never know if what I do is right, but I am feeling my way through here and hoping for the best. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have anything they can tell me? Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out and save the relationship and what was the turning point for you?

I think I had better put this here as more explanation of my fears. He DOES still talk about how he is saving up money to get a place of his own rather than live with his mom. That scares me to think that he is thinking that way too. BUT then he talks about how he can't live in this house because he hates the town, he hates the people around us and he doesn't want to live out here anymore...we live in a small town outside of a bigger city. Well, I can see that because the town and it's people are very mean for lack of a better word and I don't like it either. He keeps telling me I need to sell this house and move into the city.

So here I am again. Lonely, desperately afraid of life, and hurting.

I have been running through yesterday in my mind all night and day. I remembered something he said that is just as confusing given all the other things...but early on in the visit he had let me know that when a divorce comes all he wants is a, b, c. Nothing else. Okay fine. But then he goes on to spend the day with me and we really talk.

In part of that conversation I asked him if he would consider giving the marriage a chance if I could prove to him the changes I am making are for me and for the better as well as for him...he said, we've already been married and that hasn't worked out well for us has it? But he doesn't know what the future holds and that he wouldn't rule out a relationship. But this was early in that part of the conversation too...then we went on to talk about many things again.

Then, when he called me at 1230 am Sunday morning to talk more and say goodnight, we had more serious conversations. I even harrassed him a little about how fun the afternoon activities were and how I could not wait to do that again. He said there would be a time and place, he was sure of that, for us to be together again. And I asked if he enjoyed the afternoon as much as I did, he said he had. Then he had to go cause he was working and I went off to bed calm and enjoying the feelings he had brought up in me during the day and the evening.

When he left initially, he told me he would NEVER sleep with me again, NEVER set foot in my house again, NEVER love me or talk about us again. Now we are doing those things. That seems to me to be progress, and his actions speak louder than his words, but is that what it is meant to do? Is he still as confused as I am?

And it's just confusing. I am still going to work on myself being a better, healthier person. Happier. But I don't like this confusion. I think that the communication being open between us and the two of us talking very seriously about all this stuff is a good thing. I really do. But then, once in a while, he throws in a set of words that just doesn't compute with everything else he's been telling me. And his actions contradict those strange words that confuse me. I don't get it.

Help? I just need to understand. Am I making the right choices? Do I have a chance to save my marriage? Any guys out there that can offer me advice to understand what he may be thinking at this point and how I can help him and me?


++

I have been seeing a counselor (three times in the past two weeks and again tomarrow) and am working very hard to discover why I do those things.

I know that he means it...but sometimes his actions don't coincide with his words and that confuses me. BUT I AM making these changes. They are very good for me as a person AND for us as a couple.

I am very thankful that he is talking with me and I am very determined to make lifelong changes that will make our marriage better forever. I just hope that he is willing to give me that chance and see that I DO mean what I say.

I have done many changes so far. Baby steps, like cleaning the house and starting to go back to the counselor, but positive steps. I am NOT going to let myself down again because, by letting him down, I have let myself down. That is not acceptable. BUT I WAS hardheaded and blind to what he kept saying to me, I did not see what he was telling me as problems, so I blew them off. I did not know that those things meant as much to him as they did, I misinterpreted what he was telling me and now I regret that desperately. Now I do know. I am trying to make it up to him and to us as a couple, because it has cost us years of being closer than we already were. That is sad in my book, I know this. I cannot believe that I am so dumb as to not have seen that.

cami,

I'm moving your thread to the Marriage Builders 101 Forum.

Much busier forum specializing in situations like to yours and you'll get more help.

Thank you JustUS!!

Hi Cami, I don't have any particular advice for you immediately, I'm busy with kids but I wanted to say Hi, welcome to the forum and someone will reply to you properly soon I'm sure.
Hugs because it sounds really hard for you right now.
In the meantime start reading the articles onsite if you haven't already.

Hi Cami,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but it is a good place.

A couple of things to get you started. 1) You want to completely rule out the possibility that your husband is having some kind of affair. So check all his e-mail addy's, phone texts, phone numbers, etc.

2) Please read all the articles and/or get the books to start "LoveBusters' and "HisNeeds Her Needs."

3) You want to eliminate anything you do that causes your husband to feel less love for you (lovebusters) and do things that cause him to feel love for you (Meet his Emotional needs). It sounds like you are beginning to do that by meeting what is probably his need for SF (Sexual Fulfillment) and DS (Domestic Support).

4) If possible have him fill out the EN (Emotinoal Needs) questionnaire and the LoveBuster questionnaire. If he won't do it, then you can fill it out based on your understanding of things he has said to you in the past.

It sounds like he is already beginning to respond to your attention on things that are important to him.

Please know that other couples have made it back, even thriving, from where you are know.

You can do this!

You were not being a very good wife to your husband. Perhaps you were suffering from depression. It is good you are seeing a counselor.

Whether he returns or not, what do you want your life to be like?
Do you want your house clean?
Do you want to have energy?
Do you want your bills paid?
Do you want honesty?
Do you want respect?

Start living your life the way you want it to be. Let him see this. Don't say "Hey, I am cleaning my house!" but let him see it consistently clean. Let him have access to all money matters so he can feel confident he knows what is going on. Be honest with him about things. Respect his opinions. THat doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, but listen to what he has to say.

Thank you for all the responses so far.

Yes, I WANT to change these things for me and I am doing so for me. However, if they are good for us as a couple as well, that makes me even more happy with these changes.

I DO know that he is NOT cheating on me. He has never lied to me and flat out told me that he WILL never lie to me because he has no reason to lie to me. He was up front about talking with a bunch of old friends and having gotten together with them over the past two weeks twice to play some board games and have some company. He also calls me when he is headed out of town for work, so that I "don't worry" and know what's going on.

He is staying with his mom, so that's not a problem either.

I do feel that he is responding to what I have done so far and I am hoping that he will see the positive changes and respond more as times goes by. I just know that I have a long road to recovering my marriage and I know that I have to work hard....but I also know that this is lonely and scary. I am lost without him daily and miss him so much that I just have a hard time breathing someitmes.

As long as you verify the truth of no affair, you're doing your part, cami...Telly and Wanna want you to take the reins, not based on HIS part...solely on yours...to verify that truth without questioning him.

Why? Because up until our spouses chose an affair, we had that blind trust...and the wayward state of mind has phrases a lot like what your H is saying.

So verify for peace of mind...your part. Blind trust kills marriages, 'k? It's not real and it's really not respectful.

Along the infidelity path...what if you decided to act as if you were the wayward spouse? I mean this as in fiscal infidelity. Which seems to me, mostly what you are already doing.

You put your manipulation (lies by omission) ahead of your marriage and you really regret it. You did not respect what your H shared with you previously, about his concerns, the things you did to bust his love bank...and now you are ready, eager and willing.

Just to give you the outline to a plan...a WS can Plan A their BS.

Pick your goal...and I hear you already stating, "My goal is to save my marriage." We can help you with that goal.

Every goal needs a plan...and you've begun yours by...

Evaluating what you doing and not doing before and changing those to meet his ENs and your own self-respect. Make a list...because a list of amends can be part of your plan.

You stopped listening to your H...and you now realize how hurtful that was; you did it because you were assuming (DJ'ing) him, and you won't do that again because you will remove DJs from yourself.

That's how you do an amends list...and yes, you can share it with him once you've completed it. It's great self-examination, doing just as you are--for YOU and how you failed yourself and your half of the marriage. It states specifically what you did, why you did it (your thinking), and how and why you won't do it again.

And read up on Disrespectful Judgments...because assuming his mother will protect YOU from his affairs (they were separated, he thought the marriage was over already emotionally, it wasn't wrong--they were separated) is erroneous assumption, too. You don't know.

Really listen to your H right now...he is stating his choices...listen and repeat what you hear...that he's choosing to not work on the marriage (MC, doing the online course here at MB, offering to brainstorm ideas with him), that his goal as you hear it is to be really good friends through a divorce.

And yes, he's waffling, even within one sentence, on thought.

You guys have a long history...which now he'll rewrite (don't buy into all of it) to justify the separation and divorce (neither of you have filed...remember, it's a choice, you can't be made to do it)...and if you'll think "To justify is to lie" because that's what you did in order to betray him with those bills...you'll understand better choice from what happens to us.

Your hurt, fear and sadness are all valid, Cami. We truly have remorse from what we do that violates our code, and regret for what we didn't do. Coming to terms, owning those, and acting from remorse changes our lives and marriages...and you have every permission to fight for your marriage, to stand for it, even when your spouse is acting to end it.

You realize you haven't been deeply intimate...really heard your H as the new person he is every day, nor shared yourself in the same way for a long time...that happens when we assume our spouses...and we do...until we choose not to.

You KNOW he can fall in love with you, and you with him, again and have a great marriage...that's what MB is all about...and you can choose to believe that even when H doesn't, 'k?

Ask him to help you figure out more of what you don't understand...what really are his top ENs? What were your top LBs in his experience? This is part of what a WS does to win back their BS...you didn't acknowledge his complaints before, do so now...and let go the future...you don't know what he will choose...your job is to know what YOU choose, make a plan and follow it.

You won't be alone. We've been there and faced what you're facing, for a myriad of reasons. Give yourself a hug and a high-five for being here, asking, formulating and acting instead of going along to get along.

Don't take all the blame...look for your part. Don't focus on him, what he's saying as the truth...because actions are truth and each of have our own, 'k?

Welcome.

LA

Hi all! I am reading your responses and re-reading them, and re-reading them. I have printed out the questionairres that were recommended and I have been snooping around the site quite a bit too!

I AM going to work on this as hard as I can. I AM going to give it my good energy and my focus. I WANT my marriage! But, just as importantly, I WANT to make HEALTHY changes for me and for the relationship at the same time.

Keep the advice coming PLEASE!! I really appreciate it!!

Oh, and on a postitive note: We spent his lunch hour sitting in his truck and talking again. The original reason I went to meet him was to help him with some paperwork, but we didn't get to that. We talked about his day, my day, what's going on with my doctor, etc.

Then, when he was a little bored tonight and waiting for the sheriff to release a car he had to tow, he texted me and we talked while he waiting. Then he called me when he was towing it.

And he is still texting me thought he just got to his mom's after a 16 hour day.

So, all in all a good day of him responding and being open to discussion. To me, that is a positive sign for the day! But I would like your thoughts on that too.

Night all! Thanks again!

Well, we are still talking daily about everything from bedroom activities to feelings. We are still seeing each other almost daily for a little while each day.

I am still working hard on improvements to myself and discussing problems with the counselor and also with H as well, why? Because I WANT to hear H's opinion. Then decide if I agree or not. These changes are about me as a person, but I WANT to know what he thinks as well...for my own peace of mind. I know that's hard to grasp for some, but I still just need that from him as my friend.

I am also back to work at my job. I made it through 7 hours the first day before I just could not face people with a smile on my face anymore, so my manager let me go home. He told me I did well, but I should go home and rest now. (I had tears in my eyes at that point and agreed).

I have talked with him more about the relationship and he still maintains that he will not make a commitment as to whether or not we will end up together but he also maintains that it is possible, that divorce is a possibility, and that he wants to be friends first then see. BUT he is responding too, he is talking to me more and more in depth as well.

I'm just so lonely. Period. I feel like a total loser. I mean, how could I not have seen the things he was saying to me meant as much to him as they did? How could I have not heard what he was saying? I hear him loud and clear now, but it may be too late and I'm lost.

Everytime we talk about something or another, I ask (once in a while only) for instance....I was talking about how I now recognized and saw that he was trying to open me to more adventurous things in the bedroom rather than trying to find someone else by going to web sites. Then I said, it's bad that it's too late and you have had to move out to make me see that. He said, It's never too late. He consistently tells me it's never too late. I just hope and pray that that is true.

My son is a good deal of annoyance too. BUT I have started to lay down the laws with him too. He has taken over the yard work and he has paid me my first "rent" on his living expenses. That is a start. Oh, I should explain that he is 23 and living at home, so H and I have always tried to make him pay rent...he just never has. Well, now he has too because mom cannot pay the bills herself. Not with this job. So he did give me $50 last payday and says he will again next payday. We'll see. But Im' hoping he continues to do this. The problem is, he's happy that dad is gone. He is really happy about it. He keeps telling me to move on and get out and do things with whomever...well, I don't want that. I have searched my soul and my mind and KNOW that I do not want that....I want to work on this marriage and relationship and make it even stronger that it was in the beginning. I want to work on myself and make myself a better person and a better wife....I want to create the life that H and I should have had in the first place....if he will just give me the chance to do that.