I have sort of been thinking about this for some time. I often wonder if so many of the mistakes you make as a FWW especially..... but maybe it also relates to a FWH.... during the months and years post affair into and past initial recovery is that that we are triggered for years and years and that the triggers do not relate at all to the OM or OW which perhaps a spouse may suspect... but in fact is regurgitation of feelings of guilt for what we have done and shame for what those actions caused.

And we don't always handle this guilt & shame very well. I cannot but think that it unsettles our DH or wives in a big way and perhaps causes feelings of resignation about the marriage or maybe even feelings of just giving up even after some long periods of recovery time post affair.

I would hope that if my DH was actually here instead of being deployed I would be totally honest and let him know of how I was triggering and why �. but I wonder how often it really does happen? There is a temptation to try and handle it yourself and keep it from your FBS thinking you don't want to ever hurt them again... but that itself seems like a cop out doesn't it? even a genuine FWS as I truly believe I am would like it all to just disappear I suspect most times. But it doesn't. Not ever perhaps for both myself and my DH.

Now years later.. a new baby who is now in kindy later �. guilt and shame

This has happened to me again recently when my BIL suddenly separated from my sister and moved into a very expensive penthouse because he 'wanted a break'. I guess the youngish woman my DD photographed him with was the 'break; huh? I do have to say my DD was the first to say he was cheating upon hearing her uncle was moving out. I guess I was hoping it was a non affair mid life crisis but that didn't last long. My sister has until just a few days ago REFUSED to think it was an affair or that it has gone on for many months... but sadly DD busted him on that as well getting into his home computer.
Now of course my sister has accepted it and says so much over the last 2 to 3 years now makes sense.

So it was these sad little family dramas that set off my guilt and shame all over again.

Its not just my affair itself by any means. Its more than that.... I have a huge feeling of shame and guilt the way my affair affected my DD... without saying too much on what happened to my DD .. that is her decision to tell or not and to date she has told the full story to only a counsellor she went too and her new hubby... but I got the gist of it... hurting and a bit lost while I had my affair she entered into a abusive relationship � if I am honest and otherwise why am I here if not. � I am scared to push her to tell me the details of the abuse. She tells me its over and in the past and is ok... yet I sense a brittleness in her now that was not there before... hope & pray I am wrong
So the guilt and shame. If anyone tries to tell you affairs do not affect your kids then they don't know the he11 they are talking about.

So I wonder then if its the same for other FWW and FWH out there and if many of the BS out there do end up also on the short end of the stick when these triggers of guilt come around?

I'm a BS and I know the triggers I have still, I'm early on, only 9 months or so....my husband had an affair and many things remind me of that........it brings me back to the day I found out and it hurts all over again........I think we have all the feelings we have because we have put a burden on ourselves to get over it and we can't seem to.......I think we just have to look at like it's something that we can't change the facts about, so I think we need to stop trying to find that answer that will make everything go away......we have to let go of that fixer in us and think about it more practacially......we can't change the facts, we feel the burden of that.....we now need to think about it as a choice, hang on to it and let it ruin parts of our lives, remove ourselves from the situation or making a choice to trust and believe in our spouses and ourselves again......
Once we look at this as a choice the burden should go and our feelings are triggered by the burden we feel..........
We have to do what we can and let go of things that are to much for us.......making the choices frees us.........
I agree that the kids are affected, I know it's been 9 months now and just in the last month I see a better relationship with my husband and son......my son didn't say much but didn't want to come home, barely spoke to his father......
Sometimes I think as BS's we forget all the guilt the FWS's feel, I think an affair just is such a terrible thing for a marriage, it makes everyone feel bad about themselves.......It is a truly selfish thing
Choice is about survival

aussiewife & jessitaylor:

There are several networks that are currently working on documentaries regarding infidelity, and I have been called by them to give them some ideas. The one point I try to make again and again is that a spouse's affair is the most painful experience anyone can have in life. I encourage them to ask those who were the betrayed in their documentary to compare the suffering they experienced with all other tragedies they'd had in life. Our experience is that when those comparisons are made, infidelity tops the list when it comes to suffering. So guilt is a normal reaction for those who have inflicted this level of pain on someone. And flashbacks regarding the source of that pain is normal for those who have been the victims. In fact, I don't hold out much hope for couples where the unfaithful spouse DOESN'T feel guilt because he or she is usually unwilling to provide just compensation for the offense (see my three Q&A column series "Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?"). The just compensation I recommend is to completely eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible, take extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair, and meet the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. When those conditions are met, I've found that the unfaithful spouse experiences very little residual guilt, and the betrayed spouse has much fewer flashbacks.

The problem I generally see in couples where guilt and flashbacks persists is that just compensation has not taken place. The conditions that led to the affair persist, the extraordinary precautions have not been implemented, and/or the unfaithful spouse is not meeting the most important emotional needs of the betrayed spouse. On the other hand when these three conditions are met, the couple will report that they've never had such a good marriage, and that perhaps the affair itself, as painful as it was to experience, provided the catalyst for change. I've written in a number of places that unless a marriage is better after an affair then it ever was before the affair, the marriage is unlikely to survive. The just compensation helps create that magnificent marriage if it's implemented.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Aussie ... I think it is "normal" and expected for the RECOVERED WS to have some guilt flashbacks when faced with another family member devastated by adultery.

Please note: Dr Harley said "much fewer flashbacks" ... he did not say "flashback free".

PS

Your H's deployment is a difficult situation ... HANG in there sister

Thanks Dr H that does make sense ... and yes the flashback of guilt has reduced a lot over the last few years. But its hard hard work when your man is redeployed so often. everything is condensed into a few weeks of home leave a few times a year ..but whinging about it doesn't get it done.... and when your sister becomes the victim of a cheating H .. wow does it set off the triggers.

The impact it has on my kids and family that is the harder one now to work on... I should have been there as my DD expected me to be ... and life doesn't give you a rewind button.

Thanks Pep .... hanging in there is what my DD & I do for right now ... she ended up marrying a soldier too the silly girl

Anyway I do think that this subject of guilt and shame is very important. It has the potential to build and be a positive force as well as being destructive and destroying a M post affair and into recovery. I think it is sometimes forgotten just how powerful those feelings are.

right back at you !!

Sooooo glad to hear this. If TV can do documentaries on drug addiction, hoarding and morbid obesity, it's about time they started dealing head-on with adultery and the incredible devastation it causes.

It's been either a Jerry Springer-joke or a deep dark secret that nobody dares to acknowledge. I really think this is why there is such tremendous interest in high-profile adultery cases like Tiger Woods and Jesse James - because "average" people are shamed into shutting up about their own betrayals and family destruction, and are bullied into keeping the cheaters' secrets. They watch the high-profile cases in hopes of seeing some justice done, even if there was no justice in their own cases.

I'd sure like to see it addressed seriously (a kind of massive exposure for a lot of folks).

And they have gone to the very best for advice. Thanks for letting us know!

aussieswife, I struggled with this too. But the just compensation really is a key...that and time. My DD had a hard time as well - she was taking guitar lessons from OM, and of course she lost that, not to mention he had been one of her favorite teachers. One thing she knows is that even now, if she needs to ask questions or something, she can.

This may sound strange, and I hope I can express it well, but one thing that I have done is see the fact that I can still feel that sickness over what I did as a positive. For some reason, I have had a few people come to me over the past few years to talk about their own infidelity or even to talk about how they were lonely in their M and had feelings for someone else. I think drawing on that reality has helped me when I try to express to them exactly what infidelity does to shatter a family. I think about those women whose kids were killed by drunk drivers, so they started MADD. Their organization has such impact, in part, because they KNOW that horror. That is also part of what drove me to write the novel I wrote and what caused DH to be supportive of it even though it had so much of our story in it. The Bible says to comfort one another with the same comfort we have been comforted with (yeah, that was a confusing sentence).

For us, I think part of my just compensation has been to be willing to share my own failings if it will help turn someone else away from adultery or convince them to come clean and try to save their M. So though guilt and shame themselves are not healthy, I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to apply Romans 8:28 to what we have been through.