Hi,
Married 6 years, 1 child. Spouse has been having affair with close coworker, possibly for as long as 2-3 years. After having an icky feeling, I discovered text messages about 2 years ago between them. Marriage wasn't going well at time but I believed him when he said that she was flirting with him, he knew it was inappropriate and that it would stop. Flash forward to 6 months ago - I had another icky feeling and I drove past her house one day. His car was there. I confronted him. He made up a story. I so wanted to believe him.

Just recently, I discovered more evidence via phone messages. Again, he denies. We just started marriage counseling but the affair has not come up yet. We are working on communication skills. We have both started working on the marriage but there is an elephant in the room. I try to bring up the subject but he won't answer me. I know it's still going on.

I think the affair should be exposed to clear the air and I think it's the only way it'll stop. However, he is her boss. They've been using work time and computers to carry on their affair. It's complicated but his work is such a part of who he is that if I tell him leave work or else, he won't. And I think he'll interpret it as me being controlling, a complaint he's had about me. She's been at that job for years too so I don't think she'd leave. I don't want him to get fired but if they continue to work together, the affair will never end. She'll always be an outlet for him. And I've let this go on too long.

I want the marriage to work. I acknowledge that I wasn't meeting his needs. I am changing that little by little. He's also given some indication that he's ready to meet my needs - just not to disclose or end the affair at this time. Any advice?

PS-Just ordered Surviving an Affair. Also read Love & Respect.

Welcome to the MB, the best place to be in your circumstances.

I hope you will read a lot of stuff here.

But a few points for start:

1) As long as there is an affair, your marriage will not recover. Even more - as long as there is any kind of contact between affair partners, your marriage will not recover.
2) Recovery can start AFTER affair is killed and NC established.
3) The best weapon to kill the affair is exposure.
4) Exposure should be done without warning OM or WW and within shortest time possible. Exposure should start from OWH.
5) As long as there is an affair, counseling is waste of time.

Of course your WH does not give up work or OW. Why should he? But the main question is what do YOU accept?

Read HERE.

Fuzzy, I am sorry that you are here and welcome to Marriage Builders. Read through that link that recon linked and ask any questions you may have.

It seems from your first post that you have read a lot on here and you understand what is about to happen and what you are going to need to do.

Exposure to their workplace is definitely going to have to happen. YOU are not the one who is going to have them fired. Even if they do get fired, which they may not, it is because of THEIR actions. It is quite possible that the workplace, and most definitely people in the workplace, knows already. Now, they would have to DO something about it.

In that thread that was linked, you will find examples of exposure letters. It is important for you to expose this affair far and wide all on the same day for it to be most effective.

If I understand this correctly, your WH started his affair about 3 years after you got married, and it has been going on for half of your marriage? Why would you want to remain married to this man?

Hi there Fuzzy,
First of all I'm sorry you find yourself here and asking for help, you are in a good safe place here with lots of great folks to walk you through what you need.....
Your husband has probably been in his affair for at least a couple of years......I agree why is he married to you if he is having another relationship......
You can't work on your marriage with the OW in his life, that needs to stop, absolutely no contact has got to happen....
Exposure is key here, when everyone else knows what they are up to it won't be as much fun......tell everyone, both families, freinds, workplaces.....OM's family/husband......
I would hire a PI, get your evidence and confront him and expose him and his affair......
I would tell him that I loved him and would still be willing to work on having a great relationship but that can't be done with 3 people in the marriage......
It's time to either have him leave so he can go on with the OW or the two of you move on together.....
This is ridiculous that this has been going on so long.........

The first time I confronted him, I knew all of this but because I couldn't and didn't want to believe it, I caved in.

I will gather my evidence.

I should read the book but can anyone tell me if I should present him with the evidence first and give him a chance to make the choice - he puts an end to it, looks for another job (he may be able to relocate or maybe she should quit) and then we can work on the relationship we have. If he doesn't do those things, then I expose him. Or does this give him too much time to figure out a lie - like my wife is angry that I don't love her and has made up a bs story about an affair.

Should I also confront the OW? I know where she lives. Or is this pointless?

First of all, never threaten exposure. I made that mistake.

Gather concrete proof of the affair, then armed with proof you go nuclear with the exposure, all at once, and to everyone who matters, including his job.

Neither your husband nor the other woman are going to relocate on their own. This affair is deeply entrenched if it's been going on for 2-3 years. They will each have a million reasons why they can't change their work circumstance and how they can keep it professional on their own. They can't and there is 3 years worth of proof to back this up. The only chance you have is by exposure to the management and have the company force the issue.

So sorry you are here Fuzzy but you have come to the right place.

Do NOT under any circumstances try to negotiate the end of this affair with your WH (wayward husband). Do NOT threaten exposure in advance or you will be giving up your single biggest tool to ending the affair.

Do you want to remain married to this man? If so, then pay very close attention to the advice that is given to you here. Do not do anything without first bouncing it off your group of MB supporters. There is a very narrow path that you must take to end an affair and recover a marriage. You cannot pick and choose parts of this plan that you like or dislike. You have to follow the plan step by step. It will take courage. But you can do it. We are here for you....

First step is to gain concrete evidence of the affair in order to support exposure. Review cell phone records, email accounts, get a keylogger if necessary. Do you know how they are communicating with one another? Phone? Computer?

You need to do some things in a certain order. First, get all the evidence. Can you get his cell phone and forward any incriminating texts or voicemails to your phone or email account? (Make sure you delete that forward history on his phone when you're done.) Put a keylogger on his computer - that's worth every penny. (Go to www.spectorpro.com) Get a voice-activated recorder and hide it in his car to record his 'private' conversations. Make copies of everything and put them in a safe place.

Does your WH have facebook? Get on there and see if he's 'friended' her. See if SHE has FB. See if you can get info on HER friends. Make copies of her friends. You will likely need this for exposure later on. Be sure to see if you can identify family members, like her husband, parents, kids, etc.

Once you have everything, intel-wise, you'll be ready to expose. We'll help you with that.

The chance is good that you'll hear something on the VAR, or see something via the keylogger, that will flip your switch! Don't react! That will backfire on you.

Do not tip your hand about what you're doing! You can't reason with a wayward. In my sitch, the OW's husband knew 'something' was up for months, and just threatened her and my H. It only served to drive them underground and make them more careful. The affair ended the day it was EXPOSED to their employer. Not the day they were threatened with exposure.

BTW, welcome to MB.

I don't want to hear any of this but I so need to hear it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I so want to remain married to him. I think he wants to still be married to me but I also think he's torn. She's provided him something I did not.

I am on the gathering evidence part. They communicate only through work as far as I know. This involves his work email, work phone and contact at the office. I installed a keylogger. Found passwords - now all i have to do is log in and hit print. I even installed a GPS in his car:)

He works long hours and I started to suspect he may be going to visit her at her home. No overnights. Although a few months ago, his brother made a comment to me that I know suspect was a veiled attempt to warn me something was going on. So, I think his brother knows.

I think if I hadn't caved 2 years ago when I found the first evidence, this would be over now. But I let it go. I believed him. And I gave him an ultimatum then. I even called the OW. They both denied it. I was so silly. I think I unintentionally gave them permission because I could have exposed it then.

Is there a difference in how you handle a physical affair and emotional one? I haven't seen any evidence that they've been physical but how would I? So, if it's just emotional, does it make a difference?

So, I ordered the book. It's on it's way.

Don't second-guess yourself on what you 'should' have done a few years ago. You're doing the right thing now.

I would think the only difference between an EA and a PA is that you wouldn't need STD testing for an EA. That's about it. The damage is pretty much equal.

And, I'm sorry to tell you this, but if this has been going on this long it's pretty much 100% that it's a PA.

What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about this now.


EA or PA doesn't matter. The plans are exactly the same. However, I highly doubt that this has been going on for 2 years and that it is not PA. Especially since you have actually caught him at her house. Don't doubt your common sense. Don't let your WH gaslight you. If you don't know what gaslighting is then google it and read up.

Exactly what evidence do you have? What do the phone messages say? You already caught him having hidden communications with OW and already caught him at her house, you sound very close to having what you need to move on to exposure. Good job on getting the passwords, hopefully you should have what you need today.

You mentioned that he is her boss. Is the owner of the company? If not, we have a great form letter to send to the employer. I will find it and post it for you.

I am so sorry to tell you I have no doubt that this a PA. You need to be aware so that you can get yourself tested for STDs. Hang in there!

There is a difference between an EA and a PA: It's like the difference between the top half vs. the bottom half of a hand grenade with the pin already pulled out. Which is to say, if you leave it there & don't act decisively to do something about it, it'll blow up & make a helluva a mess of your life all the same!

I got into an emotional affair. And it became a physical affair in short order. Almost ruined my life. Gave my wife SO much pain that she did not deserve!

Seriously? The only difference between how you should react to an EA vs. a PA is that the latter requires you & your wayward spouse to get tested for STDs. Otherwise, the steps you must take to kill an emotional affair are the same as for a phyiscal affair. The former is every bit as dangerous as the latter for any marriage. Lots of people don't regard this as so, but those people simply do not know what they are talking about.

I posted back in November. Married 7 years, one 4 y.o. child.

Had discovered two things in November: husband was thinking of filing for divorce and that an emotional affair with a coworker I thought was over had never ended. We started marriage counseling and for the last few months, I've been in Plan A more or less. I've met most of my husband's needs - he needs admiration, affection, respect, and sex. He says he wants to work on our marriage, that things are going well, that he loves me. Early on, he told me that he had broken off contact with OW. We've had a good few months overall except...

The whole time, he's been cake eating. I discovered two weeks ago some emails and texts that seemed to indicate he had been to see the OW both before and after work. I confronted him and he lied. The evidence wasn't exactly irrefutable so I trusted him, AGAIN. But on Friday, I caught him at a hotel with the OW. Dirty [censored]. He sent me an email from his boss' computer saying that he had a meeting out of town that would last through dinner. I happened to meet a client at a hotel near my husband's office and what do you know - his car is parked there. I called the front desk and asked to be transferred to OW's room - guess who answered? My lying, backstabbing, husband.

I should have known...when we started MC, he told me their relationship was over. It was because she was angry with him and dumped him. At that point, he seemed really happy to work on our relationship. But she took him back and he took her back. Yeah, for me.

So, yesterday and today, he's slept in the other room. I have thought about recommitting myself to Plan A. (I must not have done a good enough job, right?) It seems like he liked that for a while but then when he realized he couldn't also have OW, he pulled away from me. I'm done with Plan A.

Now, I'm ready to Plan B. I sat next to him on the sofa last night and actually felt like throwing up. I hate what he's done to our marriage, to our life. I hate that I was reduced to snooping and had to read all their gross emails and texts.

He says he doesn't know what he wants. That he sometimes wants our marriage to work but that he also thinks his relationship with the husband-stealing skank is possible.

You see, his mother had an affair with a good friend of his dad's and it all ended happily ever after with his mother losing custody of all 3 kids, his parents fighting forever, and my husband and his brother having affairs. She remarried then died of cancer. So, in his mind, it's possible and likely to find love through an affair. He has his doubts which is why he is still in our house.

The affair has been out in the open, more or less. His wonderful family has known for months and said nothing to me. I just didn't know it. I will finish exposing when my Plan B is ready.

My reality: husband is in love with a coworker and will not ever leave his job. Never. He says he can break free of relationship if he wanted to - he just doesn't want to. He likes it. He gets me and my kid with the nice house when he wants it. Then he gets his the OW to make him feel like a big man - she's ten years younger than he.

I am accepting of the fact that Plan B will not get my husband back. He is already gone to me so this is about me, me, me. I need to get my self-respect and confidence back.

Any advice on a doing Plan B would be very helpful.

Bump

I'm sorry to hear that the affair has continued, fm. My H had an affair that I first discovered after 6 weeks, after which he hid it for two full years. When I rediscovered it then, he took it further underground for another 16 months of PA and a further 6 months after that of EA. I think that your H will do the same, and that Plan B is your only protection against this abuse.

I have bumped your other thread so that people can see your history. This appears to be an affair of more than three years in your six-year marriage.

I will also bump a thread created by MelodyLane about Plan B.

I had hope a few months ago when he admitted the affair to me that it could stop. Two days ago, after finding them in the hotel, I realize that he's just gotten to be a better liar. And boy is she persistent.

I'm working on a Plan B letter. Will be talking to my family tonight. I need to protect myself, my daughter and my family from this. That's all I think of now. I need to change what I'm doing.

Welcome, Fuzzy. I'm sorry to hear about your H's A.

As you have seen, MC's are pretty much worthless in ending A's.

What have you done to expose this affair? Is OW married?

Fuzzy, how will you separate from him? Will he move out?