I had learned of my wife's affair about 9 weeks ago and she's still communicating via chat on line and flew to see him during New Years. She tells me she wants to be honest from now on, but can't stop communicating because she's afraid of going back into a depression. Advice from her father (he knows) was since I want to save the marriage, that I have to be a person that she finds warm and accomodating. Telling her I don't like the affair, I don't like the chats, but I am hopeful that she'll see the error of her ways and come to her senses. Sort of being supportive, but at the same time not happy she's still having the affair. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it. This approach was to prevent her from being pushed away further from me. But now, I'm not so sure it's the right thing to do. It hasn't improved our marriage at all and she is now placing more blame on me. Plan A sounds tricky because i believe you want to meet her needs, and be this warm person she would want to be around, but if I tell her not to chat with him, that would come across as a demand and I thought DEMANDS were not a good thing. And she is terrible at taking any sort of constructive criticism. I'm thinking of reminding her how much it hurts as she continues the affair, but I don't know what else to do besides meeting her needs and being the great husband I've always been (or like to think I am). Sorry this is long winded, but any help balancing the warm and inviting husband with the "your affair sucks and it needs to stop" in the most positive and non-threatening way would be greatly appreciated.

In my case, I tried something similar at first with my wife's emotional affair other man.

He was someone that she said I would like, that I should get to know him, that we could be friends....that he was "just a friend" to her.

So I tried being his friend. I chatted with him, I invested an effort in trying to be his friend.

IT DROVE ME CRAZY in just a couple weeks.

When I finally got to the point where their conversations had eaten a hole in my soul, I made a DEMAND of my wife....sort of.

I said this:

"I asked you to make a choice before, when this all started. I asked you to choose us and our marriage. You still have a choice...but this time, if you believe in us, if you believe in our marriage, if you believe that there is hope for us moving through all this....I demand that you choose us over him. If you don't..." and I shrugged. The rest didn't really need to be said.

No Contact is the first thing your wife has to do.

Its hard, and yes she will probably get into a depression and want to talk to that guy...but be there for her...in every way possible that you can think of, be there for her.

If you haven't read the Basic Concepts and especially the Emotional Needs---you both need to do it, and then figure out from the Needs Questionnaire what each of your needs are and START MEETING THEM.

Good luck, and peace to you and yours!

Maybe your call is: "I'm fighting for a wonderful new marriage. The affair needs to stop now."

Those of us in recovered marriages have a little different take on that.

Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

stillwater, in order to save your marriage, you have to be Wyatt Earp on the affair and Mr Rogers on your marriage. Your approach is basically enabling her affair and will not work.

The tepid response will avail you nothing. What you need to do is go to her and tell her something like this:

Dear, I insist that all contact with your OM end today. Your affair is profoundly disrespectful and painful to me and it has to end or this will lead to divorce. If this leads to divorce, I will be suing on grounds of adultery and having the OM subpoenaed to give testimony of his affair with you. Under discovery, your email and cell phone records will be subpoenaed and brought in for evidence.

I will be suing for possession of the home, custody of the children and will fight against paying you a dime of money. It will not go easy on you. Additionally, you will have to support yourself. And for what, an affair?

Before you have this discussion, I would disconnect the internet by either cancelling the service or removing the router. Cancel her cell phone or whatever method she uses to communicate with the OM.

Remember, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs. If you are not making a wayward angry, then you are probably enabling her.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive her affair.

I've been on here recently, but a few new things have come up. My wife confessed back in October and did the " I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Says she loves the other guy who is married (she found out too), now he (not she) wants a divorce. He was quick to suggest this. Anyways, I've been trying to meet my wife's biggest need (communication), and I've been ok at best. She still chats with the OM, and went to visit him during New Years. Now she's playing the blame game and told me during our conseling session that many of my behaviors have built up stress for her over the years which is why she's been depressed. Now this OM is the cure (how about drug?). I am trying to work on Plan A, meeting her needs and not trying to stress her out with my behaviors. But she said she can't last any longer and wants a time out so she can recharge. thjat means one of us moving out for awhile. It sucks because I feel like I haven't used Plan A to the fullest and I'm not ready to go tpo plan B in fear of her thinking the time out or separation was a good idea. What should I do?

If she wants to "separate" to carry on her affair ["get space" ] I would tell her you won't stand in her way, but she can't take any family money or a stick of furniture. Wish her the best and tell her to keep in touch!

and I will just repost what I said before:

Dear, I insist that all contact with your OM end today. Your affair is profoundly disrespectful and painful to me and it has to end or this will lead to divorce. If this leads to divorce, I will be suing on grounds of adultery and having the OM subpoenaed to give testimony of his affair with you. Under discovery, your email and cell phone records will be subpoenaed and brought in for evidence.

I will be suing for possession of the home, custody of the children and will fight against paying you a dime of money. It will not go easy on you. Additionally, you will have to support yourself. And for what, an affair?

Before you have this discussion, I would disconnect the internet by either cancelling the service or removing the router. Cancel her cell phone or whatever method she uses to communicate with the OM.

Remember, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs. If you are not making a wayward angry, then you are probably enabling her.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive her affair.

Are you in touch with the OM's wife? Does she know they are still carrying on the affair?

Did you follow any of the advice we gave you here?

Have you dropped the E BOMB YET?