I am new to this Forum and I could not seem to find a topic on my subject:

How do you get Communication back after an Affair and all while you are Separated?

My wife had a short affair that lasted about 3 weeks, and in the process she has told me that she fell in love with this man, and I found that unbelievable. Regardless of this fact, I tried to continue living in the house and she was so bitter and cold that I was at my last straw. She was harsh with her words towards me and kept stating that she is not in love with me and that she is indeed in love with this other man!!! She has started therapy and I have found from reading many websites that therapy can end a marriage especially when it is solely individual therapy. This was the only way I could get her to seek help as she was unwilling to go to therapy with me as a couple to try and reconcile. With all of those harsh words and bitterness, I decided to leave the house and leave behind our three children which was heart-breaking to me!!!

I have tried to communicate with her on several occasions over the past weeks and find that she is still communicating with her lover and does not want to talk with me at all. She told me that she cannot control the way she feels and that is that she loves this other man and not me anymore.

What I want to know is if there is some tactics I can use to try and start to communicate with her once again as well as gain her trust and see if we can't work toward rebuilding our marriage before she leaves me at the door and heads toward what she feels is greener pastures but what I feel is simply infatuation in which obviously this man is meeting some emotional needs for her that I am unaware of and would so badly love to be the one meeting those needs!!!

Confused and Lost,

CMerrill

Hi CMerril, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. Before you read my post, please go listen to this radio clip with Dr Harley click here and read this article: Men, Don't Leave your Home!

Your issue is not "communication" but her affair and your inadvertant enabling of the affair. I know you are probably not aware of this, but by leaving, you have only enabled the affair and made it much, much harder to save your marriage. You can't save your marriage and protect your children if you are not there.

The first thing you can do to save your marriage is first GO HOME. No warning, no nothing. Just go home and say "hey, honey, I'm home!!" Leaving your family at this critical time is abandonment. And is viewed as such by most courts. It makes it much easier for her to carry on her affair with you gone. She can also bring him into the home now. And I seriously doubt you want him around your children, right?

The most powerful weapon you have against the affair is EXPOSURE. See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only fuels the affair fantasy. Everyone should know of the affair: all of your family, friends, the OM's family, employer if a workplace affair, and most importantly, YOUR CHILDREN OVER AGE 4.

We have had affairs die the very day they were exposed. And while that is not a guarantee, it will certainly hasten it's death.

Once you have done that, I would strongly suggest you DEMAND she end her affair. DEMAND IT. Go have a face to face meeting with the OM and let him know hell is coming his way.

Your mission is to cause and create as much conflict and havoc in the affair as possible. Most OM are pansies who will run at the first sign of trouble so you need to keep the pressure up.

Next on this list is for you to paint a very, very ugly bleak picture to your wife is she doesnt end her affair. Let her know that if she doesn't end her affair, you will be filing for divorce on grounds of adultery. [if you are in a fault state - and find out if adultery is taken into account even if you are a no-fault state] Let her know you will have the OM subpoenaed into court to give testimony about the affair under oath. Tell her you will go for possession of the house and primary custody of the kids. And you will not BE HER FRIEND. <-----this is very important. Part of her fantasy is that you will be "her friend" while she sticks it to you. This helps her assuage her guilt. You dont want to do that.

Now, the reason she is being mean to you is because she is demonizing you behind your back in order to justify her affair. She will be much less MEAN if you start standing up and fighting up for your marriage. Complacence gives the impression that you don't care very much.

Here is the message that you need to send to the scumbag OM:

You let your WW make you so uncomfortable that you moved out. Mistake no. 1, big mistake.

Now shw is free to carry on affair without having to hide it and I would not be surprised that WW has brought OM into your bed already.

Move back now. You will not end this affair and you are giving your WW every legal advantage if this goes before a judge for a divorce. Such as who gets the kids, CS, etc....

Read up on exposure then expose this affair.
You must tell WW parents, siblings, your kids, OM parents, siblings, and at where they work if they work together.

bump