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Concerned,
Is it wise to tell your small children about an affair that their mother is having? These kids are 5, 7 & 10 years old and how will they be able to handle this - my wife has been seeing a therapist and told her (at least this is what she told me the therapist said - LOL!) that the children do not need to know about the situation. Are the children strong enough to handle such a large issue as this? I am confused yet concerned as I was told this in repsonse to another Topic I posted last night!
Thanks,
CMerrill
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That is true, your children are old enough to know what is going on with their mother. That is their life and they already feel something is off with you and their mother. You were given very sound advice by one of the top notch members here, no need to question her words. Also, read this article
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your kids will be better off in the long run with the truth.
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They will blame themselves for the tension they already sense, unless they know the truth: it is not their fault.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Lots of independent councillors sadly tell their client to take shortcuts to feel good town, without making them face the consequences of what they did.
Its dishonesty, you cant take shortcuts through this route.
It isnt fair that your children should have to scratch their heads and wonder what THEY did to make things so different.
Plus lots of children know secrets about the A and are too scared to say anything. Theres no way your wife can be 100 per cent positive about never having been overheard on the phone/ seen doing something strange, had them find something unusual.
They deserve loving caring honesty. This will also teach them that is especailly important to be honest about big secrets, not just little things.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Lying to little kids about the source of the tension in their home causes enormous confusion because nothing makes any sense. Many conclude they are the real source of the trouble since the explanation makes no sense. Lying to kids is about like rearranging the furniture in the home of a blind person. It is to rearrange their REALITY.
As a kid, I knew about my father's affair but since no adult would validate my instincts about right and wrong, I learned to doubt myself. Apparently what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to adults, therefore, I must be stupid. It was extremely confusing to me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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CM,
affair that their mother IS having?
Seriously if my W had not just had an affair but was in one, I would bring my kids, and the OMW to the Motel and knock on the door "cheaters" style. I might even hire a Joey Greco lookalike.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 08/05/11 10:54 AM.
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My 14 year old guessed. Just because she saw mesearching phone records on DDay and I had asked her to help keep my younger ones entertained the night I confronted my H.
The next day she came and asked me why I was so upset and so angry at her dad.
I couldn't lie. She deserved to know.
The day I went to my H work to have dinner and show myself to the OW, I brought my children.
Kids are smart.
Me - BW - 35
WH - 35
Married 11 years, 5 kids
Dday - July 8, 2011
Recovering
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Such a difficult topic.
My daughter is 12, we divorced when she was 8 due to WH's A.
When she was 8 and asked the reason I told her it was because her dad broke a very important promise.
She now asks again - is 12 old enough to deal with the details?
I really don't want her to have negative feelings for her dad- BUT I don't want her thinking that his actions don't matter or that can be hidden or are acceptable
thanks
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Absolutely you can tell her. Most kids over age 4 understand the concept of adultery. It is a good idea to tell her the truth, because divorcing over a "broken promise" must be very confusing to her.
She will either not believe it or conclude that people throw away marriages and families over broken promises. Parents trivialize and cheapen marriage when they tell kids things like "we just don't get along" as an explanation for divorce.
I think that is a great idea to tell her. And it will also help your XH if she asks questions about his adultery. She should have negative feelings towards her dad if he ruined her family over his adultery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Telling a girl that dad had a girl friend and was going out on dates and having sex is in no way details.
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I told both of my children while I was exposing to the world. They were 6 and 9. They understood. They still understand. It was the right thing to do, and I would do it again if I needed to.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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It has been my experience around here that kids are RELIEVED when they are told the truth. They do much better with the truth. They can deal with the truth, what they can't deal with is the insecurity of not knowing what is really wrong.
Kids KNOW something is wrong when parents are not honest, because their stories make no sense. It is very anxiety provoking when nothing makes sense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK, I will bow to your experience. As I read it, I realised it was just helping minimise XWH damage. SHe just seemd so shocked when I told her that WH had a part in the divorce, it seemed like I had to protect her.
I really thought it may be better for her (or (maybe) just easier for me!!!)
thanks, sorry for the t/j
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It has been my experience around here that kids are RELIEVED when they are told the truth. They do much better with the truth. They can deal with the truth, what they can't deal with is the insecurity of not knowing what is really wrong. This is exactly what happened with my son who was 8 at the time of exposure. He had a lot of anxiety before I explained what was happening. After I told him, he was much more calm. I took a lot of heat from my in-laws for exposing. I discussed this with the kids' pediatrician & school counselor and BOTH told me telling them the truth in terms that they could understand was the BEST thing to do. Like Dr Harley, the pediatrician stressed that kids blame themselves for marital stress/tension/problems if they are not given an explanation that makes sense. I was very nervous to tell especially my son. It was the best thing to do and I don't regret it for a minute. He actually said to me today, "I will never have a girlfriend when I am married, it's wrong!"
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Like Dr Harley, the pediatrician stressed that kids blame themselves for marital stress/tension/problems if they are not given an explanation that makes sense.
I was given the advice -by a "trauma consellor" that basically the sooner I delat with the problem, the less my DD would feel pain.
SO - if I pretended, she would be fine.
I knew this was wrong, but had no one to bounce it off at the time. And it was easier just to accept that it would all be ok.
Is there a better place for me to post this?
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He had a lot of anxiety before I explained what was happening. After I told him, he was much more calm.
My question is then, HOW do you tell them
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lisa_m, you can start you own thread about your particular sitch
The exposure questions can be answered here as well though, since that is the intent of this thread.
You need to tell your child the truth in an age appropriate way. It's not easy, at first, but when they start to ask questions and really get it, you feel better about doing it.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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