brief story:
WH ask her teach him language once per week (30 minute at office) this year, mid of august, after we had a argue at home, about 8/17 after lesson, he suddenly found he fall in love with her, & told her, she didn't accept, ask him go back to me, about one week later, she quit job & move to other state with her two kids.

9/21 he read LB about honest, come back tell me his EA, 9/27 he decided stay with family, promise NC.
I post my story at stay or leave? it's harder than what I thought, I need further help now.

it take at least one week to get password, even he said I could delete the #, but it in my heart, I could show you mail, but I change tomorrow ... I told him keep it, finally he decided delete # & give me the password, nothing unusual, I thought I pass this, & move to MB101, but he doesn't want online course right now, so we read all the book.

he told me he would commit 100% to MB, we don't have SF problem before & now, but he don't want to show affection, even I ask him call me when he in the office, he told me he doesn't have this feeling, he keep ask me lower my expectation, tell me he need time to find the feeling.

we talk a lot about our marriage, the LB we feel, & other things, I told him I'm very depress, he couldn't help, again, he doesn't have the feeling.

10/18, I took some copy (the language he learned, nothing special) from his bag, he is very mad, ask me return to him, I told him, it's a trigger to me, I'll feel safe if I keep it & I'll return back to him after I recover. he told me: you think you keep this will make you safe? how about I watch her empty desk everyday ..., & he insist keep it by himself. it's really broke my heart

he said how different between her & me, at this EA, she choose to leave & ask him back home, how noble she is, how respectful she is. but what I did is so lower level. I told him, I didn't against her, I against you, you decided come back, but you put her in your heart, how could I move in, how to MB? what I did is for protect my family.

one more time, he ask me understand him, his heart with her is because he feel guilt, his word made her family suffer, he just want to help her, make sure they are ok. I told him, I understand, maybe after we MB well, when I see her, I'll thank her, but not right now.

then he said he need time to think stay or leave again, he told me there is something missing in our marriage, he try to figure out & see if he can live with it, so we end up stay in different room.

I drop back the black hole again, please tell me what happened, I really don't like this dance.

I checked, it's one way EA, but WH sinks so deep.

he talk to someone from Jehovah Witness today. what should I do next, help.

Heart : the answer is simple your husband commits to you and you only , her writes a no contact letter to the other woman where he admits his affair , confirms he loves you and wants no future contact with the other woman.

He then works actively on your marriage and makes every effort to earn your trust. If he declines to do any of these then he is not serious about your marriage .

Agree with XAU. For some reason this woman remains a fantasy in your husband's head. A No Contact letter laid out as Xau has described will help bring a dose of reality to him.

I just wonder why he continues carrying a torch for a woman who spurned him.

Is your husband depressed? Has he seen a doctor?

You need to stop love busting, and relationship talk. You need to plan A like crazy, read up on that. The affair is ongoing even if it is just in his head.

He needs to see you as the lovely wife again, meet his needs, yours will be trashed, but will turn around. Especially if it is just in his head, you compare better when reality sinks in, he chose you for a reason to marry.

Do you know there is no contact, or are you just guessing at that?

he didn't write NCL, just delete #, open password, only these take one week

"I could delete the #, but it's in my heart", "I could show you e-mail, but I would change the password tomorrow" I told him don't delete if he doesn't want, & second day he open everything, actully I think he delete some mail, luckly, the women didn't accept it.

because she quit the job, move to other state, lost job & we don't know how is she right now, I could find out. so he is care about her, he doesn't want her suffer.

I think he is been hurt too, but not by me, he didn't see any doctor, why ask this?

I'm sure, I know her, & know she move to other state, you are right, it's still in his head -- his heated head

I meet his SF before 10/18, now he want to stay in different room, & he also agree I give him a lot care love, he love this woman because " he has a soft heart, respect him, appreciate him, the way she talk" & he respect her since she need support herself & two kids, ask him back to his wife, his family, even move away. something is true, something is only he feel

so he think I'm lower level, because I want him back & cut connection with her.

is the NCL so important, even she didn't do anything wrong, she ask him back home, follow GOD

I search Plan A:

"But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again."

when he promise back on 9/27, looks good, but anything link with his EA, he changed, just like Dr. Harley said.

so that is mean he still in his EA.

sometimes he said his EA is not like others, since it's one way, should not call EA

I read the plan A, he stay at his room, we don't talk now except some simple word at dinning table, morning or dinner. he want me give him time, ok, I don't want to push, I told him, if stay, his heart should be here, I don't want like last time, body here, heart is gone

you are right, the affair is ongoing.

I couldn't meet his needs, not I don't like, it's he decide stay at another room to think why this happen, what is missing in our marriage. what can I do now?

Because he may have a physical problem that needs medical attention.

no, he doesn't have physical problem, except allery & some pain on neck, you know we use computer all the time

right, no LB, plan A, I'll do that

he still very struggle, couldn't figure out why like this, what is reality or fantasy, our friends & I can see this very clear, that is why his mind still in affair like what you say, should I help him

my WH told me as human being, when we solve the problem, we use totally different way, he think I always put my family (include he) on the #1 priority, he can't say it's wrong, but his different, still not clear, he think this is fundamental difference.

I'm not familiar with Bible, now we learn a little, & I'm very confused, is there anyone could help me figure out what's value God think should be.

Sure. I am guessing you are Buddhist?

As a Christian, we believe that we were created to glorify God and enjoy him. It means God is our priority and focus. In marriage is means that the husband and wife live together in marriage not just for our mutual enjoyment, safety and pleasure, but also to honor, glorify and worship God. For a Christian couple in marriage, the Bible is their 1st and best guideline for life and holiness. It is what God reveals to us about Himself and who we are and how we are supposed to live in light of who God is and what he has done for us through His son Jesus Christ.

Historically, Christians have believed that since the moral fall of the 1st man, all men are inclined continually to sin, so God the Father sent his Son, Jesus to redeem and purchase us from sin and death. It is in light of this that we as Christians live.

Does this help?

thanks, we are not Buddhist neither Christian. now we are try to learn Bible, & also on Friday, I bring my daughter to church for Bible study

I know he doesn't mean I didn't honor God first. he mean when we deal with relationship like with friend, original family, co-worker, he know I'm very friendly & hospital woman, but if conflict, I always put my family at #1, he is not. I read LB & HNHN, but I couldn't find what is wrong, what the MB request? since both of us are reading Bible, could you please tell me as Christian, what will they do & how they deal with this problem?

when I talk to him on Sunday afternoon, he look at window, there is nothing in his eyes, I feel my WH's depress, he still there, I don't know if he can use his brain to think

since he came home later & tired, I don't know is there any extra thing I can do after dinner. before, maybe we could have conversation, but now, looks like he doesn't have any intereste in anything, just sit there read book or go to bed.

help, I really need support to go through this

don't understand how a person could change so dramatically, from Aug, only two month, love totally disappear, we don't want divorce, but he think stay at home, keep distance is a good thing.

he doesn't want to meet any EN, he said if he show affection, it's unfair to me, because he fall out of love with me

I even don't know is this my husband?

Heart, you asked for me to help you. I am here, and I read your threads. I agreed with everything that everyone else has stated already.

You need to get a plan here. Without your WH agreeing to NC, that should signal to you that the A is still on. I would Plan A for a few weeks and then Plan B. Have you read all of the info on this site? Do you have any questions about what you have read?

You need to set your bar HIGH for recovery. Your WH living under ths same roof as you shouldn't be enough. You need to set some boundaries and enforce what YOU will accept in a marriage.

I hope this helped.

thanks a lot, he agree NC, I think he call her after that, since that woman never accpet him, no answer, so let's say NC. he told me he care about her is because of his fault, let her family pay price (quit job, move to other state), he want to make sure they are ok. I don't agree he keep care her, he is not happy with me, think I'm selfish, that is one difference between she & me to deal with this EA

we had LB before, now I read a lot of book, we try to improve, & he agree before, but why he suddenly change to so strange, looks like all our life before Aug is not real

is he still in withdraw? I try all I could do to follow plan A, sometime I feel shame for myself, how long this plan A should be? because he ask me don't set time for him