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Hi everyone...
I am a returning MB'er as I used to post years back on the just found out forum. I'm proud to say that I've survived a horrible affair then a divorce and realized that my ex's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me in that relationship.
Since then, I've been involved in a few relationships. Some fun one and and one serious one.The serious one was a lot different from my marriage to my ex. I had learned a lot from it. But in that four year relationship, things were missing and I had to move on.
Then Mr. Dreamy literally dropped on my lap. I've been with him for two and half years. This man possess a lot of awesome qualities that I've been dreaming in a partner. And, he accepts my two children and they love him too. I understand life is about balance and there are things that are not so dreamy about him. And unfortunately, that has turned our relationship upside down.
To get right to it. I have found in the past several months, that he's the kind of guy that like to take the reins and steer. Ok, we are in that part of our relationship where we get to see each other for what we are. He also doesn't like to hear any kind of disappointment when I confront him if there's a problem. What usually happens is that he will interrupt me, talk over my voice so our voices are competing against each other and then before I can even get to my point, he comes up with his own conclusions. I am one of those that takes a lot longer to reach my point. I had asked him so many times to please be conscious of me when I am talking whether he thinks it's right or wrong. He thinks if I am wrong, he has the right to interrupt me. I considerate that rude. I feel as if he's using those interruptions as a smoke screen because he doesn't want to hear that he had hurt my feelings. ???
My disappointments with him is the same thing. We argue about the same thing. It's always the same thing. And I know this is an on going issue with a lot of couples who are dating with ex's and kids and so forth. lately, I have been sensitive to him and what he needs with his son. I understand that. My beliefs and his are totally different. Our time together alone is rare. I need alone time with him. I discovered that was one of my needs in a relationship and I stressed that to him. But we had a spat over a week ago because this was gonna be one of our weekends alone for a long time as my ex is pretty good about forfeiting his time with our kids. (another thread to be told). Last week, he had announced that he was going over to his ex's at 6:30 to talk about college for their son. I had asked him why couldn't he have done that in the morning after his class? (He's also a college teacher). I sort of made a stink out of it, because when he gives me a time that'd he'd be at my place, he never is on time. I felt slighted. The next day, our time, he was gonna take his son to visit a college.. Ok, I get it.. Very important. I didn't get an invite... Hmmm. Then he had told me that Sunday, he was gonna take his son to his class. I'm thinking wait a minute. That's the fine line. Why can't his mother do it? She's off that day! Better yet, take the train?? He lives right off the main line into the city?? I was floored that he was gonna go out of his way to pick his son up who is more than capable to get somewhere on his own. I was started again, to feel slighted. I understand the demands of being a parent as I am one to two boys!! He agreed that he'd make his son go by himself and such. But then the Friday night thing came up. Before I could even say, in the future could you please, please be conscious of our time together as my ex isn't willing to take the boys on a whim and give us valuable alone time. What he did, was interrupt me, talked over me, my defenses are getting high.. My thinking is this, every time, I want to make plans with him, something ALWAYS happens to take that precious time away. I'm already building up a frenzy about NYE. He and I discussed that after he does the evening news, he and I would head downtown and celebrate the new year together. Plans were made for my sister to take my kids that evening. Well, every single time there's a chance for us to sneak away, the ex wife says she going out of town so that means he has his son. Even if we made the plans far in advanced. It's getting tiring and sometimes, I feel that they are still married. This summer was no exception. Plans were made in January for he my boys and I to get away as I was invited to stay at my clients summer home. (amazing summer home) and what happened? Guess.
Ok here's the issue to this story. Voices were raised, conclusions were made and I wasn't allowed to voice my disappointment. No matter how delicately I bring it to him. He threw it back and told me that's life and I am not his priority!!! OUCH!!! Ok, what do I say to him when there's a pattern like this? Right now, I feel as if he had put me in a time out chair and had not talked to me in over a week. Conform to how I want you to act, or else. He's starting to be very parental to me. I don't like it at all. Dispite this one bad apple in our bunch, he's a great person..
But there are also many issues that I see and is afraid to go down that path. One is his son is spoiled and plays his dad the guilt trip to get what he wants. I see right through it. I can't confront him about it either. I often times put myself in his shoes and things don't add up. He also can't stand the fact his son is leaving for college... Now, I am taking a back seat to our relationship. Mind you, I put my kids and him on my first prioity. There is so much to post but I don't want to end up with a novel. I need help figuring out how to handle how he wants me to change my behavior thing. I say it takes two..not one.
Been there and done with it!
BS-me 35
WS 38
suspicions 11/02
True D-day 3-24-2003
It's your life, you choose how you live it!
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Joined: Nov 2000
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Conform to how I want you to act, or else. I'd take the "else". I don't see anything dreamy about "Mr. Dreamy", sounds like a selfish and arrogant guy from your desrciption. AGG
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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I don't see anything dreamy about him either...not a good basis for a solid relationship if you ask me. I'd let him take his priorities and keep on marching...JMHO.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
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I agree with AGG & KC.
Kick him to the curb. You deserve better than that.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811 |
That's the very thing I'm struggling with. Of course, I am writting the dirty laundry and what I need to do here, is go back to the basic concepts. I had an extremely controling husband and I am not about to make that mistake again. I am much stronger now and a lot wiser. Also this one i's a lot mature than he was. I don't want to base a decision off of emotion.
My heart is in deep!!!
Been there and done with it!
BS-me 35
WS 38
suspicions 11/02
True D-day 3-24-2003
It's your life, you choose how you live it!
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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It seems your patterns aren't changing. I encourage you to separate and spend time without a partner to heal.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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That's the very thing I'm struggling with. Of course, I am writting the dirty laundry and what I need to do here, is go back to the basic concepts. I had an extremely controling husband and I am not about to make that mistake again. I am much stronger now and a lot wiser. Also this one i's a lot mature than he was. I don't want to base a decision off of emotion.
My heart is in deep!!! I think you are fortunate to find all of this out while you're still dating. He has told you the main thing you should heed: You are NOT his priority. That's not going to change if you marry him.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
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Your mind needs to tell your heart to shut up. Intellectually you know this guy is bad news. That's why you came here--to get confirmation of what you already know.
This guy may be a less controlling version of your ex-husband, but he's still way too controlling. And this is how he acts while you're dating. If you continue a relationship with him, it will end up just like your marriage.
In my divorce group I have met so many people who are going through their second divorce because they did not take time to heal and learn from their first marriage. Please dump this guy and take a year off from dating. You can spend 2012 figuring out who you are and what you want from a man.
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811 |
I've got a lot of thinking to do... 
Been there and done with it!
BS-me 35
WS 38
suspicions 11/02
True D-day 3-24-2003
It's your life, you choose how you live it!
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 811 |
I'm broken. I never wanted to go through another situation like I am.. Being debilated, feeling down.. Nothing to feel good at. Yes, I focus on my kids.. but let's face it, if that's what we adults need, we'd all be single parents.
I have taken a year of dating to find myself, to figure out my needs. But what I am struggling with is that I had the wool pulled over my eyes. The flood gates opened. It is me with the problem... I say no, each of us are responsible for this. But all and all, he tells me that I don't know how to come to a resolution and it's the blame game. I know there are two sides of every story. The thing about me, is that I'm honest and I know when I make mistakes. If I love the person, I want to correct it. Unfortunately, we don't see eye to eye...
I am shutting down and feel the heaviness of losing this relationship. It's really sad. He tells me things are great. And now, I'm at fault because he's not liking the way I handle conflict. (read above)
I want to hide.. I know many heart are broken each day but I feel so isolated. And what makes matters worse, I have to return his laptop tonight as I'm borrowing it because my pc has a virus on it. I can use my phone to read post but I can't open up two windows at once... I need you guys!!!!!
Been there and done with it!
BS-me 35
WS 38
suspicions 11/02
True D-day 3-24-2003
It's your life, you choose how you live it!
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Joined: Jan 2005
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Ali88, I can sense your 'urgency' in trying to resolve this issue in your relationship. But calm down, we have all been there, and things do not change or improve immediately. We all wish there was a 'microwave' fix on things, but there isn't.
Do you guys have good communication? Folks here do give very helpful and insightful advice. Listen to them. At the same time, if you have not had a nice, calm talk with him regarding this issue, you ought to do so. If his answer is still the same or does not see any issues there, then you guys are not on the same page. Do you guys have any other issues?
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Joined: Jun 2008
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When we enter the blame game, we accept being a victim, it's the opposite of accepting responsibility for yourself, your choices and actions.
Yes it hurts to get over a relationship, it's hard, but we DO get over them and we DO heal, it just takes time...don't be afraid of the recovery part, each day gets a little better and it's like the cobwebs fall off of our eyes and we can see clearer.
We have to get rid of what's wrong in our life in order to make anything better.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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