How can a husband receive the sex he needs? <~~~ Yes, indeed. An actual link.

Men; testosterone.

Women; /shrug.

See; "parental investment." The theory of parental investment (coupled with cryptic ovulation, and the uniquely human perpetually pendulant breasts, helps to explain the motivation behind female bond-building).


... Hint; we refer to them as DD/DS.

Waaaaaaaaaaaait, I thought we were talking about porn?

2 1/2 hours and I have my keyboard!

Now, first thing I'll say here, is I'm dropping the hookers.

That's right, I said it. And I'll tell you why; porn is sneakier and more destructive. I'm willing to bet that if you were to tally up the number of men here who have ever visited a prostitute, versus those who would admit to using porn (raising my hand), the difference would be staggering.

One reason is the half-step away;



TL;DR version - the further away from a transgression something is, the more likely we are to cross the line.

This covers not only porn, but affairs that develop because of Facebook, texting, email, etc. That small amount of detachment makes it seem "less like cheating."



This cross-cancels. One explains the other.

And, to add; porn is genital-focused. This is another reason that porn provides an overstimulating and skewed view of sex. No man is going to see sex as he does while viewing porn, unless he is a circus contortionist.



These are all interrelated. Because of 1, 2 and 3 are true.


Like what? A woman faking it? We can get that in a bad marriage, with a bad sexual relationship. No hookers or porn required.

Solution; the radical honesty of both spouses.


See the Phillip Lombardo vid.


Correlated. Orgasm is the payoff. The peak and ebb of brain chemicals that cause euphoria, and in a relationship (seriously, won't work with ONS or hookers, and especially not porn) the strengthening of emotional bonds - namely oxytocin.

However, with porn, the over-stimulus received requires ever-growing and ever-changing stimulus, to the point where orgasm is harder and harder to reach without escalation.


According to my wife, all I know how to make is... face that... hmmm... never mind.

Anyway, after brain-training for zero-investment gratification, porn users lose knowledge of the power and pleasure of delayed gratification.


I made a comment in a similar thread, and got whacked upside the head by a couple ladies who assured me that if their husbands would avoid LB's and meet their EN's, that no porn star could compete with them.

[I need a frightened smiley]

Beyond that, see; contrast effect, and sexual novelty.

If you have ever seen "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," the Old Cow/New Cow story refers to an actual study. It correlates with Dr. Harley's prediction that when a man's need for SF is being met, his drive will go down.

Novelty, which is provided by porn, coupled with contrast effect, is dangerous and disastrous to a marriage.

It's not that your wife can't be "that one porn star," it's that your wife can't be 600 different porn stars at the click of a mouse.


It can be learned from a lot of places. This discussion is focused on porn (and prostitutes).

However, if you want your husband to be good in bed... tell him what to do. Just like any other emotional need.

"Dear, I would like 3 minutes of ________, and I would like you to focus on point x, y, z. Please don't _____ my ______, because I don't like that."

(Same goes for the fellas)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, for the uninitiated readers; the Harley stance is that you should have no sexual activity that does not involve your spouse, and ABSOLUTELY NO PORN.

I can't personally finger-wag about porn. Exaggerated portrayals of the human form portraying sexuality have existed since cave paintings and the Venus of Willendorf.

However, the vast amount and ease of access to porn, and the large-scale social acceptance, has turned it into a monster of it's own.

Recent studies are linking daily porn use with severe depression.

For married folk, just don't do it.

It's all I had left after a few hours of brain tumbling. I have 1000 posts that have gone through my head that never made it to the boards because once I resolved the issue in my head it moved on...

Searches related; "porn and erectile dysfunction," "porn and depression."

There are critics of both of those, as well as the newly-minted "pornography addiction" diagnoses rolled out by the American Association of Addiction Medicine. I admit to being biased on the "porn is bad" side, though I couldn't support a burn it/ban it campaign.

I also have a bias with addiction as a disease, as evidence strongly supports that - and I totally disagree that any disease nullifies personal responsibility. In fact, I see it as a battle-cry to personal responsibility, more so after watching the life-long decline of my childhood friend who refuses to properly manage his diabetes.

Please, stop landing in the acute psych unit for not taking your pills because you "felt better."

Hello,

Well simply after stopping here again now tonight I realize I was wrong in my post last night. So Pepper I apologize, it is my fault that I misinterpreted your intent and thought it was a comment on most men having a propensity for porn. I realize now you were aiming your post at a target group rather than in general. So, I respect your effort and I tend sometimes to shoot from the hip.

I have been extremely fortunate in having a wife - Char - who has kept me attracted to her for 43 years of marriage. I know the deal about what is out there. Lots of temptations, but the thing I value is being able to look her in her eyes and not be afraid that she is going to wonder if I am concealing something, or actiing strange. In other words, and in the words of Robert DeNiro in "Meet the Parents' the circle of trust. Yea, she may want to beat me over my head for forgetting a few items at the grocery store, etc, but that is valid and current. Pepperband, I think the most important thing which I have had with Char is the comfort of intimate conversation with her. That is, not being afraid to disclose to her my innermost feelings with turst that she will honor them. I think if the males you are referring to had a partner like this, and have made an effort to appreciate, the porn, hooker, etc etc industries would melt away.

Tom

You're a good man, Tom.

Pepperband and others,

Here is a quote that has helped me. Simplistic maybe, but I think it applies to all of us, whether contending with infidelity, addiction, flaws, or any other challenges or adversities:

�I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious�
Vince Lombardi quote

In my mind as I apply this to a marital relationship, the field of battle is not the mariage, it is in attempting to overcome the obstacles that interfere with the preservation of the marriage.

Tom

Pep and others.....

Can we start a thread for women and their increased sexual aversion? Does the group think that women have been "conditioned" to see sex as a "dirty" act they must do?

Since men have a stronger need for sex as a EN, couldn't the increase easy of porn play a part in the withdrawal of women to meet that need?

I've always said, women are in control of the sex life in a marriage.....if it is a healthy or a negative..... The wife is in control??

Any thoughts?

Bump.

You can start any thread you've a mind to.

Dr. Harley says just the opposite! If a man is upset about the sex life in his marriage, there is usually a great deal of responsibility on him for that.

Some other perspective on the issue of pornography and it's affect on a whole nation.

HAHAHAHA Funny, while I was reading your explanation, I was thinking, "THAT'S ME TOO." Then I read this post, and now I KNOW it is.

I often have to explain to people IRL what just came out of my mouth because when I say something there were usually about 50 steps to it first and it is no where near where anyone else was. I wasn't even aware until a few years ago that other people didn't have thought processes the same as I did.

Eh?

The Illuminati?


It's a rather... interesting... perspective. I suggested two searches earlier which are being researched by psychologists currently in the US; "Porn and erectile dysfunction," and "Porn and depression."

Both of those only require brain chemistry and brain biology.

The situation in Japan has been ongoing, and a large portion of it is a generation of career-focused young people who have no interest in having children and starting families. Birthrates always fall when you increase the education and status of women. It will equalize at some point, the problem is, when?

TTS,

I disagree 100%. Women are their own selves as human beings, and I don't believe they (in general) are 'conditioned' to viewing sex as 'dirty'. I think they view it as an obligation and as unsatifying if their husbands demand or rush it. Your comment seems to have broken this thread now.

"Women are in control of the sex life in a marriage" seems to me to be a fear factor of some men, and unjustistifiably so. Making love has to be a mutual experience, or it is worthless. No matter how long married, the objective has to be seducing your wife, making her feel special and wanted, no matter how long it takes.

Tom

Cosmic twins.....

Tom,

I will concede it could just be my perspective that has led me to this conclusion. In the circle of guy friends I run with, most married more than 15 years, seem to believe that their wives have a dislike for sex and therefore commit to having SF less often than the man would prefer. I've started another thread on Sexual Aversion if you would like to join in that conversation.

[video:youtube]http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=UlXMboPnETU[/video]